Feeling 😩😠😧 today!

[Oakey80]

Hi everyone!!

So I don't know if this is just me but I'm having a peed off day today...my temper is about as short as a grain of pudding rice!

I'm due to start DR for our first fet on sat which coincides with the 1st day of my hols (grr!) Not sure if thats the reason for my p*ssed-offishness or just that I'm generally feeling put out that I'm having to go through this stupid process all over again!..but I certainly can't blame the hormones yet.

My mood started last night when my poor dh had the audacity to say he was looking forward to our holiday...I just suddenly, out of nowhere gave him a right mouthful about how it was ok for him but I'm going to spend it feeling like poo. I hadn't even been consciously thinking this myself so I don't know where it came from, but this moody has most certainly carried over to today.

I actually feel like having a tantrum, and stamping my feet "why won't it work!!!!!" I want to shout around the office. "Why can't I just have a bl**dy baby, like bl**dy normal people" waaah!!!!

The last couple of weeks I've been feeling pretty sad (and jealous of anyone on earth who has ever been pregnant- not a pretty emotion) but cheered up somewhat over the weekend, only to feel the sadness be replaced by this bubbling rage instead.

Has anyone felt like this just before starting treatment? It would be nice to know I'm not going mad!

❤🍀❤ to you all!

xxx

[Coracle]

So so sorry you feel like this today, it is just horrible.

And you are NOT alone! This is a highly stressful situation. And you never know when the brain will do a fandango and throw us through a 'loss reaction' type thing when life feels so unfair and we just want to rant and cry all at the same time! And having to go through it 'all over again' just pushes those buttons when we least expect..

I have had big swoops of this recently and can totally relate. I found once I had my rant/cry.. eventually it passed and I reached a place of acceptance.. before the next thing rocked my boat!

Thankfully I am having a good day today. Really hoping this mood for you soon passes, and you feel more at peace.. able to look forward to your holiday.. see small things that make you smile and be glad to be alive... Praying you are shown small kindnesses today.. see beautiful things.. the sun shines.. your mood lifts just a little... you are blessed with something nice to do with hubby tonight.. nice meal and a film possible at all?

Hang on in there, big hugs from us all xx

[Oakey80 in reply to Coracle]

Thanks Coracle, it's so good being able to rant away on here...I have to hold my tongue at home to keep the peace but sometimes I feel like I'm gonna explode! I can hear myself being completely unreasonable but there's a devil on my shoulder telling me I have every right to be! xxx

[Coracle in reply to Oakey80]

Can so relate to what you mean! xx

[N_M_10]

Omg I could have written this post. I just read it to my husband and he said you wrote that didn't you! I thought I was going mad so if you are then we are both mad together. In all serious I am assured that this is quite a normal way to be feeling it's all just getting too much. I hope you manage to do something nice and relaxing and feel better soon. x

[Oakey80 in reply to N_M_10]

Haha that made me laugh!...I'm so glad it's not just me. Unfortunately my dh doesn't understand though and when I shout he just shouts back. I was in a right huff Weds night with him as he dared to fill up his car!...like I was really miffed that he'd spent money on this so close to payday...but he needed it to get to work. I can hear myself but I just can't stop it as I'm generally a big ball of anger and frustration atm xxx

[_MrsC]

It's just the anxiety of starting a new cycle I expect. I feel a little like you. I'm going to be starting down regging before flying out to stay at my mum's and I'll be expecting af that week too. It's just frustrating isn't it. I'm sure your oh will forgive any arguments. My mum always says feel the way you feel until you don't feel like that anymore. It's one of my favourite things to remember as it's sort of like permission to feel negatively and a reminder that it will pass in time. Hope tomorrow is brighter for you. x

[Oakey80 in reply to _MrsC]

Hi Mrs C! That's a great piece of advice. My anxiety is flying through the roof atm. I'm so used to being in control of my life but this whole journey is one I have no control over. Its awful and gets harder as we go on...getting pregnant feels like an impossibility right now...I've never even been pregnant before! xxx

[Oliverl]

Hi honey,

I've been the same fine one day completely miserable and angry the next. Last weekend my sister in law came around to tell me she had cone of the pill 8 weeks ago and was 6 weeks pregnant! Of course I was all smiles and congrats but as soon as she left I felt so angry.

Try not to be so hard on yourself I think after a failed cycle that apprehension doubles as you have all the hopes still but at the back of your mind there's the thought but what if it doesn't work.

I will be thinking about your throughout and hopefully it's your turn xxx

[Oakey80 in reply to Oliverl]

God it makes you so angry doesn't it...but you know it's not their fault so you can't angle it at them so it's only poor dh who is left in line. Its so hard being "happy" all the time for anyone who's got kids or is pregnant. My face is starting to crack from all the fake smiling...when all I wanna do is throw some plates or scream at the top of my lungs (I'm not a crier!)...so much more anxious his time around than the first as it's our last funded cycle xxx

[Oakey80]

Thanks everyone. I am feeling slightly better today...might be due to the couple of g&t's I had last night! And it's so nice to hear I'm not the only one who's up and down. Its true my anxiety for this cycle is different to the last. The 1st time round all you can think about is getting through the treatment but this time round it's all about what if it doesn't work! This is our last nhs funded cycle and I'm already stressing about how we're going to pay for it....that's gonna be a killer! On top of that I'm worrying about our relationship...will it last!...is it strong enough?!...do I want it to last??!...so many what ifs and unknowns are around the corner and all I want is to feel normal again xxx

[Cinderella5 in reply to Oakey80]

Hey, glad to hear I wasnt the only one having an off day yesterday! I spent my time ranting like a daftie! Good that you're feeling better today, as I am! Make us pretty crazy all this not knowing. This is our last nhs cycle to so in the same boat as you although this is a fresh cycle for me. Good luck!xx

[Oakey80 in reply to Cinderella5]

Awful isn't it...as if we're not going through enough, we now have to bankrupt ourselves to just have what normal people have!

This whole process is becoming more torturous the longer I'm on it...I'm 36 now and can feel the opportunity to be a mum slipping away so fast it's untrue! xxx

[Cinderella5 in reply to Oakey80]

Oh Jeez whizz you've a bit more time than me, Im 40 in November....I feel your pain!!xx

[minerva17]

oh my! honey, you are not going crazy. I definitely can relate as I had mood like that although it was not before I started treatment but during my 2ww. I decided to avoid talking with my dh to avoid rude words I would regret later. But you know, I was so angry and almost sure that treatment wouldn't work so I decided to test before beta. Of course it was a disaster, as it was BFN. So my thoughts were proved and I felt miserable but I was kind of ready for that so I exulted. It was a storm of emotions and I wasn't in control at all. Fortunately it lasted just for one day..When I finally got my bfp I remembered how silly I was and how hard my hubby tried to support me when I wasn't able to take it. Anyway, it's in the past and I'm sure you'll be fine soon. just remember that all your thoughts at the moment are not right and you shouldn't take them seriously. You can't know what happen next but when you believe you'll be fine there is a great chance it will be so. Wishing you to recover from this anxious mood. xoxoxo

[Oakey80 in reply to minerva17]

I hope I'll be fine soon...I hope me and dh can become carefree and start having fun and hopes for the future as we've been treading water for nearly 5yrs now...I'm ready to move on to the next chapter (whatever that may be) now xxx

[Lizzielizzielizzie]

I was exactly like this the week before starting my second cycle. It's because of knowing what's coming. But it wasn't as bad as I had remembered. Good luck xx

[Oakey80 in reply to Lizzielizzielizzie]

Aw thank u! Glad to know I'm not the only one. Feel like a petulant teenager this week...been throwing a right strop in my mind...just wish my thoughts would shut up and get on with it (stupid mind talk...now I do sound crazy aha!) Xxx

[Oakey80 in reply to Lizzielizzielizzie]

How are you after your dismal day yesterday? Xxx

[Lizzielizzielizzie in reply to Oakey80]

I'm fine today thanks. Clinic said I can test a day early and stop the progesterone if test is negative. I'm so excited to lose the mood swings and night sweats... I'm focusing on that rather than the horrible reality of a negative test!

[Oakey80 in reply to Lizzielizzielizzie]

My mood swings never go away which makes me wonder if I can keep blaming the drugs 😂 So sorry if you don't get the result you want....this whole process is just the biggest pile of poop! xx

[Lizzielizzielizzie in reply to Oakey80]

Thank you. Have confirmed bfn this morning, but hey, I already knew that two days ago so it's no big shock!

[Tw1986]

Hi I totally related to this, the week before we started our treatment I was vile I don't know why but all I can think is it's just all the waiting and waisted time that we had been trying(3 years) to find out my tubes were blocked and ends and since all that time trying every single family member and friend had had babies. I expected all them feelings emotions to happen whilst down regulation but actually I've felt better than I did before treatment. Please don't stress the best thing you can do whilst doing all this is relax so no better place than on holiday xxx

[Oakey80 in reply to Tw1986]

Aw thanks! Glad to know it's not just me. I suppose we just hit out at our nearest and dearest don't we?...I'm off to haven with my sis, her other half and my 2 nieces who are 5 & 2..not going to be a quiet holiday but it will be the most amount of fun! The 5yr old has been phoning to tell me how excited she is to be coming on holiday with us...she can't wait to show us her skipping that she's been practising and to go crabbing for the first time too...should be good! (Luckily I don't mind being surrounded by families...you get used to it after 5yrs ttc...if you can't beat em, join em hey!) My sis knows all about our ivf so it'll be nice to have someone to talk to. She had problems ttc as well (lots of miscarriages) so she gets it more than most xxx

[Hidden]

It's very hard work at times, at the start I felt like I cried all the time and now I definitely cry less (which is a good thing) but I'm just more angry and pissed off like you say I just want to have a bl**dy baby like normal people and get on with living my life arrrrrr!!! It's very frustrating but we just need to take a deep breath and know were doing all that I can for now write this off as a bad day and start a fresh tomorrow xxx

[Oakey80 in reply to Hidden]

Hiya, oh yes this is exactly like me. I spent years being sad but now I'm just p*ssed off and angry at the situation. I rarely cry anymore...I think the bitterness has set in instead! The good days outweigh the bad... I'm currently very excited as I have a week off work and my sis and nieces are on their way to mine right now as we're off to the west country for a week (we're the halfway point so they're staying the night) I'm never jealous of my nieces as they're just so innocent and full of fun...its going to be great! xx

[Hidden in reply to Oakey80]

I know its sad isnt it but good to know your having a better day and looking forward to your week off. Sometimes we just need our moan and then we just get on with life. Nice that your away with family I'm sure you will do lots to keep you busy and occupied and kids can be so endearing xxx