I am in a really shit situation. The husband and I were incredibly lucky to get our child from our second fresh round. Because we wanted to make sure we have enough embryos for siblings, we did 2 rounds at the time and have 7 frosties altogether. The husband indicated shortly after the birth of our child that he does not want more children now but I hoped he'd change his mind. He did not. I really want to use the embryos for our child to have a sibling. I may be attached to them more because they are OE und donor sperm (long story). So basically my husband removes consent to use the embryos which means, they will eventually be destroyed. I do not know how to move on from here. Counselling did not help, there is no compromise (I offered to try 3 rounds of FET and if it does not work to stop). I do not see how to comtinue with the relationship because it feels like he is taking something away that I really really want and I have absolutely no say in it. Effectively the embryos will be gone whatever I do. Have you been in this situation? Have you managed to work through this without resentment?
Resentment withdrawn consent frosties - Fertility Network UK
Resentment withdrawn consent frosties
so they are your eggs and donor sperm? Just trying to understand the situation!
Yes. But created when married, so he would automatically be a legal parent if used. Is a mess.
Oh i see. That is a real pity, i thought maybe if it was donor sperm you could go it alone with your frosties. I have no advice at all, I’m just so sorry for you. 💕💕
my heart goes out to you. What a terrible situation. Surely SURELY there has to be some way around this , like they are YOUR embryos too, it's 50/50 so why would they be destroyed regardless? That wouldn't be fair without your full consent to do so. As long as you're willing to pay for storage surely they can not just destroy them based on one partners decision?
Would your husband consider counselling? Alone and together ? To see if this can be resolved in some way?
Could it possibly boil down to whether the marriage continues or not...? I know it's easy for me to say but I couldn't stay in the marriage if my desire for a sibling was too strong.
Tried counselling, not changed anything. I do want the marriage to continue, I do love my husband, but don't know how I get over the resentment of not being able to use the embryos. They would not be destroyed straight away, but if he does not consent, I cannot use them, so eventually they will go.
Sorry for your situation. I really empathize with you. If I was in your shoes I would contact a good lawyer. To process the divorce and save the embryos. I doubt they can be destroyed without your consent. In my opinion your marriage is over and also what your husband is doing is mean. I get that he has no stake in it because embryos are not his and maybe he even (subconsciously) resents the fact that it is not his sperm, but you two created the embryos with understanding to someday use them. It is not fair to change his mind. And no, you will not get over the resentment. It is much more probable that you will end up hating the guy. Act fast. Good luck!
He has valid reasons to not want another child, age and menral health being two of the biggest ones and I do understand that people can change their mind. I don't think I can get the embryos at all because they were created during the marriage. I just don't know how to move on from here.
Have you spoken to a lawyer? I would really do that before just accepting that nothing can be done. Also, would he “give you” the embryos if you divorce and new baby is not his responsibility? His reasons might be valid for him but it doesn’t mean that you have to accept them if this causes you pain. And if he loves you he should understand that and try to meet you halfway.
Lawer backed right out because of complexity. My husbamd had originally said he'd let me have the embryos but because they were created in the marriage, he needs to consent and if he does, is the legal parent. It is a bit insane because we could donate the embryos to other people but he seems to not be able to donate them to me.
And of course if he is the legal parent then all the responsibilities and child support payments apply.
This is a horrible situation. Is he worried about his or your age/mental health?
I don’t know how old you are but maybe he would agree to storing them a little longer and then making drastic decisions? Things change, mental health can get better and taking an extra year to get stronger mentally, maybe even financially or something else could make all the difference. It is unfortunate that the only way to solution is to get your husband on board.
But while I understand his reasons I stand by my opinion that this cannot be just about him. Does he even cares about your feelings?
His mental health and age. I am 41 now, so "younger" freezies would promise much better chances if one at all to have a sibling. I could just about try again but would need to get divorced as soon as possible and am not ready yet to do so. It feels really horrible and selfish to put my wants of a sibling above everything else, so I am still debating if there is a way to give up on that and process it without resentment, hence my post. He does care about my feelings. This is going on for a few years now, so won't sort itself out (which is what I had hoped for).
So it’s all about him and his issues. I am sorry, I probably come off as unsympathetic to his issues, but I am 40, and have a bunch of coworkers/friends who followed their partners more or less valid excuses about not having (more) children for years. Now they are 45-50 and on antidepressants because they cannot change what happened and cannot come to terms with regret. Therapy didn’t really help. Most are divorced anyway. Resentment grew and then at least in two cases husband left because wife was “not fun” anymore.
41 is young enough to try again I think. Maybe you should take a weekend trip by yourself to think about different scenarios and how would you feel about each of them in about 20 years. You can stay, suck it up and try to find happiness in the fact that you have dedicated your life to making your husband happy. You can go - not easy, probably means hard life at first but maybe you will have one more baby. Or you go and having another child still won’t happen. Everything is a risk. Question is - are you a person who will regret not trying?
And you are not selfish. Especially not more selfish than he is. So he is allowed to think about himself and you are not? That is weird!
And there is of course a very tiny chance that he will get a wake up call when he sees divorce papers.
You could also try individual counseling to sort through your feelings. Just be careful about the type of therapist you choose. If you go down the route of trying to give up, then you have to be really sure about your decision. Only your clock is ticking, your husbands isn’t.
Thanks so much for all of this! I am already not fun, so this is my worst case scenario too that I loose my chance on a sibling but loose the marriage anyways. I am on the counselling waiting list. It is just so difficult because I feel like I am the one shaking it all up and "destroying te family".
No, no, it is not you and don’t let him convince you otherwise. He is the one who backed off and it doesn’t even matter if he has valid reason behind his decision or not, because that doesn’t change the situation for you.
Sounds like he is very aware of the importance of his mental health. What about your mental health? What is he giving up for you?
As far as I understand you did IVF because of male factor. So you already made one “sacrifice” for him, since IVF is not an easy road. Your family planing was affected by him (not blaming him for it but it still means sacrifice on your part) and now he wants to have a final say in what your complete family looks like. Again, I am not pointing this out to make him look bad, but it sounds like you already really did a lot. Are you sure that you are getting as much as you are giving? How old is he?
Ultimate truth is that you are not only giving up on more children but you would also have to accept that already created embryos were destroyed because of his decision. This second part seems like even bigger source of future resentment and marital issues.
as a former lawyer I suggest you find a solicitor who is an expert in IVF law and contract law, as the contract with your clinic may have sone bearing.
I know you have consulted before, but perhaps a specialist fertility solicitor would be able to understand the legislation and limited precedent better. For instance, one if the other posters was correct (certainly based on the family law legislation in my jurisdiction) that the law automatically assumes any child of a marriage is the child of both parties to that marriage and therefore confers legal rights and responsibilities on both parties to the marriage.
As the embryos were created using donor sperm my question would be, if we were divorced, would I need his consent to use the eggs, created during the marriage? Does it give rise to proprietary rights?
I have not been in your situation but something very similar. My ex partner and I did split up in the end, a decision, although messy, I do not regret. In your situation, if your husband isn’t going to budge on the issue of any more kids I guess you need to ask yourself can you live with only having one child and let go of the embryos you have in dyorsge? And can you forgive him and get your marriage back to where it was?
Not an easy decision to make. Good luck xx
Agreed with some of the above thoughts. I'm certainly not recommending that you do any particular action. However, I think it's fair you know your actual legal options as it seems like you don't. If you do get divorced (and divorce would be a requirement), and sign away your husband's "responsibility" to the embryos I believe you have a fairly good shot in retaining them. You would effectively be a single Mom to these embryos and not be able to seek financial support from your ex-husband. The embryos are not considered marital property, so this isn't something he can try and "dispose" of during the divorce. A regular local lawyer likely wouldn't be able to help you, but there are a few specialist lawyers that can. You would need to seek a consult with them if that is what you wanted. Best of luck finding what is best for you! xx
having read all the comments, I feel compelled to write a quick one in defence of the husband. Your feelings are totally 100% valid, but so are his- equally so. He’s already sacrificed and gave you a gift of agreeing to a sperm donor to make you both parents. Talking divorce might be a bit premature or just emotionally loaded. I presume you love this man and treasure your family, even if you’d like it to be bigger. I understand the resentment, but you must remember relationships are 50-50 partnerships and are hard work. Whatever you decide to do I just want to wish you the very best of luck 🤞
Thanks so much! Yes that is the exact dilemma. Both valid, just opposite.
Hey there, this is clearly such a hard situation to be in, and I can’t imagine the pain you’re feeling of potentially losing embryos or not having a sibling for your child. I do also understand your husbands point - regardless of his reasons he has a right to withdraw consent at any time, for any reason and his reasons shouldn’t be criticised like I’ve seen on the replies here and he’s obviously thought about it (I’ve read worse reasons tbh). I think it’s mad for anyone to suggest you’ve already sacrificed for him because he had to use a sperm donor - that sacrifice on both your parts gave you your beautiful child, and I hardly could see someone commenting so ruthlessly if it was due to cancer etc. I can find this forum challenging as it errs on the ‘man or partner bashing’ side in replies where only the female perspective is accepted but I would hope anyway you’re considering how this would be if it was you who wanted to withdraw consent, as would also be your right. How would you want to be treated etc
Given you call him ‘the’ husband as opposed to ‘my husband’ suggests to me you’re trying to distance yourself already so like others have said, a good IVF lawyer to understand at least your rights would be a good start.
I hope you get a resolution that works for you, it’s not a nice place to be in and I’d feel all the emotions too - your feelings are valid. All the best.
I am distancing myself, it is just hurting so much. I am really trying not to but it is so hard which is why I am wondering about the resentment down the line. He did at some point decide he did not need to have children but I said this was not the deal and we had one and it was all quite complex. I think this topic is the only one I ever insisted on. Everything else I am usually the one putting my needs last. I do understand his reasons but I also have to say that in the whole journey I was the one trying to give him as much space as he needed, having therapy to "fix my needs" and initiating the marriage counselling. I know that he often was not in a good place for individual counselling, but it has been years and he has not gone although he agrees that there is a lot of unprocessed stuff. I respect his reasoms but I am disappointed he is not working through the emotions which would help the marriage in general.
I am so so sorry to hear you both have such opposing views on such an important subject 🥲 I haven’t got any great advice to offer. I’ve been lucky my husband was on same view as I had for a bigger family. After a lot of heartache we now have 2 girls Francesca who is. 5 next month and Eliza who turned 2 last February and are currently trying for another one but so far I’ve had a miscarriage at 9 weeks and. 2 more both at 5 weeks. My husband has given me a time limit of when we stop and I do feel under pressure 😳 if it was up to me I’d keep going till i decided enough was enough. He hates to see me upset when it goes wrong. In my head I’m already starting to accept that this isn’t going to happen and I’ll be more grateful for what I have it’s so hard to think what I haven’t got and forget what I have. He thinks we have enough to contend with our eldest daughter being complex autistic and Eliza has reached the terrible 2s! I do hope you find peace . I wish you the best it can’t be easy maybe your husband might be scared of ivf failing and frightened of starting again and you both feeling stressed after you’ve had the joy you’ve had of being successful it’s such a difficult journey for some of us to have children. ❤️xx
Sorry to add I knew a guy who wanted to have more children than his wife- she was “one and done group” but together they got past it. He was so maternal and filled the house with hundreds of children ( my son was friends with his niece) and she was very career driven and ambitious. There was sadness’s from him you knew he wanted more but he was also accepting and respectful of his wife’s decision. They made it work 😊 sadly he died a few years later in a terrible car accident but he was so happy and content with his only child 😃 I just remembered that when I was out walking our dog 🐶 Xx
This is what I was looking for, successful examples for working it out! Thank you so much!
He was very happy with their life they had together . No anger or bitterness. He was always very busy growing lots of vegetables and making homemade bread. He was a very happy and funny man who was immensely proud of his only child his son he adored him. With love I think you can make most things work. All the very best xx
Also my sister in law and brother in law have 1 child a son who is also autistic. She was desperate for another one but he didn’t want anymore coz he was scared another child would be autistic too ( tho it doesn’t always follow tho my close friend Wendy has 5 children all autistic) Our youngest isn’t showing signs but he was totally adamant and didn’t change his mind. And they are still together and she has accepted his decision and are happy with the one son they share.
My mums friend decided she didn’t want anymore children after her son ( he was a baby that screamed literally the whole year- these days there would be help to diagnose and cure what was making him cry but this was 80s!) She pushed and had a hysterectomy and is very happy to have just one.
My sisters ex partner was reluctant to have more children- he changed his mind and they had a daughter when their son was 5 years old ( they split up for different reasons they were very young when they got together)
My dad wasn’t very bothered about having anymore children after me ( I was unplanned 😂) and was very content to just have one but my mum wanted another child.
There are lots of couples that have o s and are done and very happy. There is something to be said you have more time ( not split into two !) and resources to focus on one child. My son was an only child and he grew up very happy and social- he had many friends😁 I didn’t meet my husband until my son was 11 and after a long journey my son was 20 when we finally had Francesca! Xx
I’m really sorry. I don’t have advice, just wanted to say that in my opinion as you’re the one who put yourself through two rounds of ivf, not him, I think you really should be able to pursue the transfer and it must be devastating your husband won’t let you. I went through a situation with my partner where he backed out of ivf at the last minute, just before I was 40, changed his mind about having a baby, then changed his mind again and we managed to squeeze in a round of ivf before nhs funding ran out. I had loads of eggs collected and was terrified the whole time that I’d end up with lots of embryos that he wouldn’t consent to me using, as I couldn’t really trust him any more (he’s terribly depressed and changes his mind a lot). In the end only one made it to a 5 day blast which I was initially devastated about, but it worked and I’m pregnant. He’s now not sure he wants the baby. I can see if we did have some frozen embryos I’d be in a similar situation to you further down the line. Anyway I didn’t want to make this reply about me! But just wanted to say how much I really empathise with your situation and hope there’s some way for you to try to have another baby, it’s a totally valid thing to want.
Congratulations to your pregnancy! My husband did initially not want to go through ivf and have a baby once he learnt that he is infertile and we tried iuis (that was after getting married and I was always vocal about wanting 2-3 children in whatever way, biological or not). My pregnancy was not easy and he was not excited which was heartbreaking. Once the baby was born everything changed and he loves them to bits. There was always and will always be lots of tiptoeing around my husbands needs, there is a history of depression too, but most of the time, he is good. Because of the depressive episodes, I always knew I would just have children with him if I knew I could look after them myself if necessary, which is maybe why I am currently distancing myself a bit. Iknow I can do it if needed. I did lots of the looking after them, so this is maybe something to expect. If you can, get some support network up so you are not too reliant on your partner being well. You've got this!
So sorry to read your post. What a horrible situation to be in. I agree with others that you need to find a specialist lawyer and at least be 💯 sure where you stand and what your options are.
In also agree that your DH is also totally entitled to his feelings and decision. Painful as it is. I am SMBC 10 weeks and have had worries creeping in about doing this on my own, but I am also feeling very grateful I am completely in control and don’t have anyone else’s feelings and rights to consider - selfish as that may sound.
I think the first decision you have to make is a clear choice between your marriage and no more children V being single with 2 children. I think the factor of future IVF success is irrelevant at this stage.
I do think regretting the things you don’t do is a much tougher thing to live with than regretting the things you do.
💖
Awww congratulations! You've got this! The hormones are lying to you a lot during pregnancy and shortly after, so don't trust them and have a support network in place (especially other mums that have babies around the same time).
Thankyou. I’m very lucky to have an amazing support network of family and friends. Including my friend who I met on this forum who is about 7 weeks ahead of me - she unfortunately lives a few hours away though.
In 40 years on your death bed, what would you regret more…..not having more children or splitting up with your husband? What would bring you more fulfilment, a life with more children or a long marriage with your husband and one child?
That doesn’t help with the legalities of your situation but maybe thinking along those lines may help you come to a decision. I know you want both and deserve both but I don’t think it’s going to work out like that….💕
I’m sorry to hear the situation you are in.
We were lucky enough to have one child, and my partner was happy with just the one but I pushed for ivf because I was desperate to give him a sibling. We agreed before starting treatment that we would pay for one round only and if it didn’t work then we would move on (deep down I knew I didn’t actually agree this, but naughtily it was my only way of getting him to proceed). It didn’t work, and straight after I said I’d go again. He was adamant he wouldn’t part with the money and the emotional turmoil again, and after a month of discussions I reluctantly agreed - weirdly I had started feeling like I was enjoying life a little again by eating what I wanted, and we also decided that our money and time was far better spent investing it in our little boy. It wasn’t worth putting our life on hold for a gamble with very small odds.
We have been incredibly lucky and conceived naturally again another month after. We are of course so grateful, but what’s so strange is because I’d actually accepted only having one child and started planning our future (including our wedding - which I thought I could drink at! And our honeymoon), it has made it less exciting and more of an ‘oh crap’ situation. The reality has set in of going through the newborn stage again, with a toddler, and I suffered with the blues last time and so I’m already panicking that it will happen again.
My long winded point is that when I knew it was something I couldn’t have (being a second baby) I was oh so desperate to chuck god knows what money at it and do what I could do get there. You always want what you can’t have. I now realise my partner was right in terms of not wanting to spend more and put me through more emotional and physical pain of ivf. Yes we’ve been incredibly lucky, but remember for your husband it is probably still difficult knowing that it’s donor sperm and he’s already content with the beautiful child you already have, and presumably your life together. It’s not about either of you being selfish, but it will work out the way it needs to for the both of you, and you have to look at what is best for both of you and the child you already have ❤️. If you know it would be a life long regret for you not to try again, then there is your answer. But remember he isn’t doing this to upset you x
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