I took a week off sick due to stress (ivf related) and I'm due back to work on Friday.
I had an appointment today with consultant who has advised we try ICSI after our failed cycle just passed.
My younger sister wanted to visit us today but I told her on Saturday about the appointment.
Anyway.... After appointment husband and I had a lovely lunch in one of our favourite places, meal was lovely and we had good morning early afternoon.
Due to the recent stresses I've not been sleeping since before my tranfer (bfn on 19th September) and my left eye twitches all of the time. When we got home I decided I would have an afternoon nap, why not I'm off work for a week so off I went.
I had been sleeping 2.5 hours so hubby came to wake me, when I got up and checked my phone my younger sister (mentioned above) had text me to tell me I'm going to be an auntie again (I already have 19 niece's and nephews between husband and I)!! I asked who is pregnant and she is!! Then the best bit she's only 2 to 3 weeks!!
Few internal questions
1 why the heck would she tell me today knowing I've had an appointment
2 why would she be telling people so early on
3 she's only been with the guy for 7 months
I'm so so upset, of course the tears came and hubby was trying to console me, why would she do this? And why today?
Thanks for reading. Xxx
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genten
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I know what you mean. I know it's different cos she's family but whenever my friend chats turn into baby talk I mute them for a week and ignore all the messages... We all know how it feels and there is always someone insensitive. It's gonna be your time soon. It will be!
☹️ I’m sorry hun. Really insensitive of her. Some ppl don’t think. She’s obviously wrapped up in her own news to take a minute to consider your situation. Something similar to that happened to me after we had been ttc about 5 years. My SIL dangled a + test at me in the middle of a party, knowing full well out situation. I went to the loo and bawled my head off. Then got AF as I was sat there to finish the day off. Made my excuses and left. I’ve never forgiven them for that and it was 5 years ago!! I just wasn’t mentally prepared for it. I’m sorry she told you the way she did. I hope it’s you with some wonderful news to share back with her soon. 💕💗💕💗
Hey hun. I know how you feel my best friend got pregnant on her first try just a week after my second miscarriage, hubby best friend wife a week later after my best friend, another friend's wife just after I've been told i will need ivf and they all knew what i was going through but they were keep putting their scan pictures in front of my face and telling me how hard is to ve pregnant and that oh you don't kniw cause you are not.... so yeah.. Even our closest people sometimes don't realise what are we going through and how difficult ttc can actually be.. Some people they get everything just like that and others like us have to fight to get it. Just let it out, cry as much as you need buy never forget you are strong and truly amazing woman and your time is just around the corner!!! Sending you millions hugs ❤❤❤xx
One of my friends complains all the time and says "uh thank God i got pregnant so i can leave my job". And im ih God really.. Just give me a baby i would do anything hahaha. Good luck on your journey love xxxx
I feel you on this. After my third miscarriage in a year I spent seven months listening to my manager every single day tell me how horrible it was being pregnant. Day in and out in a area where five out of seven days I was with her. I could have killed her. She knew what I was going through, ( I do already have had children but after trying for another have suffered while with this manager, a scar ectopic and three miscarriages ) longest seven months ever. I am grateful she went on maternity leave. Two miscarriages during her pregancy she knew of and every day whine and complain being sick, the baby’s movements keeping her awake ect ect. I could not understand how people can be so damn insensitive.
Wishing you all and myself this happiness very soon xxx 😍😍😍😍
Oh Genten. I'm so sorry you've endured such insensitivity. Do you have a good relationship with your sister generally? If so, perhaps you could talk to her about how her news made you feel on such a difficult day for you. If she has an ounce of compassion she will be horrified to have hurt you like that. Sometimes people get so caught up in their own worlds that they barely register what is going on around them, it all boils down to ignorance again. I remember telling someone that I was having issues conceiving and she went on to tell me she was 8 weeks pregnant! Not sure why she felt it was an appropriate time to mention it. The things we have to put up with in this journey!
Cry as much as you need to, do something relaxing, snuggle up with your husband and try to put her to the back of your mind for tonight. Don't feel you need to respond straightaway, do it when you feel ready.
That’s really insensitive of her since she has known about your appointment. Unfortunately people are very insensitive and often even those who went through infertility and had kids didn’t seem to learn a bit either. I have a friend like this. Last month I visited my sisters for a few days and found it uncomfortable when they started talking about when they are planning to start trying for a baby. I was obviously excluded from this conversation as after 3,5 years nobody even asks us anymore about it. It’s really hard and it’s normal that you got upset. I hope you will feel better about it tomorrow xxx
Yes, it’s just very sad how people just don’t get it and they don’t even try to understand a bit. Especially the close ones. Once our friends got pregnant (after 1st attempt) and whom I shared my struggles with, they decided to sweep stuff under the carpet and never even asked about how we are getting on, just pretended that there is no issue. I couldn’t see them after few times they behaved like this and decided I’m better off spending time elsewhere. But at least we can make a difference as we have the sensitivity level that is needed in this world. Sending hugs to you xxx
It’s awful when it’s so easy when others can fall at a drop of a hat 😢
It’s not that you aren’t happy for that person just brings it into focus how much you want a baby.
Perhaps your sister is just really excited by the news & just hasn’t considered your feelings. Maybe talk to her when you feel a bit calmer.
The only consolation ( and it isn’t much) is when you get your much wanted & deserved BFP it will be the best feeling in the world. And all the heartache & tears will be worth it 😘
I got my positive test last Wednesday & I was so excited I couldn’t wait to tell my sister ( we are really close) literally all I’ve told is my mum & sister because as you say it’s very early days & having had a chemical pregnancy last year I won’t be announcing it until we are 12 weeks.
With everything going on you must put yourself first. xoxo
I know , we watched all our friends & family having babies & wondered if it would ever be us. 💔
My sister in law smoked pregnant in front of us & she knew how desperate we were to have a baby this was 2/3 years ago. Needless to say I haven’t spoken to her since or ever will again. Disgusting.😱
It is difficult journey but it is worth all the fighting & your time will come. ✨
On my bad days I told myself bad days don’t last forever and tomorrow is a new day. Keep going you will get there ❤️ xoxo
☹ oh that's terrible!! My sister smoke and drinks too. We're in a family chat and her best friend is in the chat too and said no drinking for you to which my sister replied I can have a few!! What the heck??? My sister already has 2 girls aged 12 and 14 so probably thinks she knows it all. She's 33 now should know better.
Absolutely and I totally agree. Will be worth the battle.
Oh my goodness that must have been really horrible for you to hear when you are so desperate to have a baby 🤦🏽♀️ Personally I wouldn’t touch a drop, it doesn’t feel like a sacrifice ;we are just grateful to be pregnant, but each to their own.
Your time will come & it will be so much more appreciated & special ( it is after a battle with infertility) ❤️❤️❤️xoxox
It is really awful timing. We’ve all been there 😞 My bff decided to try for her first baby just as I had started the ivf process. She picked cycle day 14 out of the air to do the deed. They did it just once that month and conceived straight away. Despite doing the ivf I took her news quite well. She struggled to conceive the second baby. She’d just gone to the GP for blood hormones when she conceived. She told me while Hubby and I were on our way home from one of our transfers. I was crushed that time. Happy for her but crushed for us. She said there was never going to be a good time to tell me, and in that I can see her point. I guess for our friends and family there is never a good time. But there is (or needs to be) sensitivity, understanding and tact. If your Sister can’t give you any of these things then you need to keep your distance until/if you’re strong enough to deal with it. I’m sorry. It’s absolute crap xx
I was in the middle of responding to you and sister called. Said she had forgotten about my appointment etc. And is very sorry.....
Really bad timing! Totally floored me.
Oh No! That must have been bloomin awful. And same again on your tranfer day! I think that's true, there is never a good time but there is tact. A text just didn't cut it and then as soon as I replied she posted pics of the test in the family group!!
I think I will. I have done that twice before and they add me back. They see me as the glue of the family (their own words not mine 🤣) so it's difficult. I have 8 siblings (through mum and dad and then from when they remarried plus dad's wife has 2 kids of her own which makes 10) and although 2 of them are older than me, they think I'm the strong sensible one which I suppose I am. My older brother does not get involved with anything or anyone troubles, he's always been like that and my older sister is really irresponsible, I'm the 3rd born.
I do need to put my needs first though as they are driving me mad.
My Mum and Brother see me as the glue too. But today I had to say enough is enough. I’m dealing with my own stress and I need to cut down on theirs. That’s not to say I don’t love them with all my heart but I just can’t cope with any more added stress. At our last follow up appointment the last thing the Doctor said to me was “Eat your fruit and veg and avoid stress” Hubby said “Have you met her family?” 😂 It’s hard when everyone thinks you’re the strong one isn’t it? Time to start putting yourself first xx
Exactly! Sounds like we both need to let the family fend for themselves for a change.
Same, I adore everyone and seem to be involved with all of their issues in one way or another.
😀 oh that's funny. Yes, it sure is tough.
Thank you and same to you😉 xxx
Some people just don't think! Sadly they dint see the big picture when it comes to others feeling! On the day of my last transfer a friend called me in a very blasa manner saying I think I'm pregnant!!! She actually laughed! Turned out she wasnt but why say if your not even bloody sure! 😡 I just think very differently of her now! Hope your OK xxx
God I'm really sorry! This must be heart breaking for you both. I think it's pretty insensitive of her to do this to you today. Do you think she maybe thought getting it out there was better than hiding it from you until a later date?! I don't know, some people just don't think do they! One of my friends sent myself and all my friends a cryptic jokey group text to let us know she was pregnancy right after a failed cycle. It was devastating & just cruel that she didn't even try to be remotely sensitive. No advice really, I've had to distance myself as it still irritates me although I know you can't do that with your sister. Maybe just take a little space for you & hubby for now! Big hugs.xx
Sorry you are having such a stressful time. People including family can be so insensitive.
I went for dinner couple of weeks ago during stims so wasn’t drinking and one girlfr kept asking again and again if I was pregnant and winking. It’s not amusing. Even if I was maybe I didn’t want to share that info!
Got home to a phone call from my mum to warn me my niece got ‘accidentally’ pregnant, and it’s twins. This will be baby number 3 and 4 for her.
It’s a very hard to describe fine line between being happy for that person, the miracle of life but just being jealous and wondering why for some of us it’s so so hard and others very easy.
My theory is we are made to work harder so that when we become mothers we will be the best god damn mummies ever, because we appreciate everything about it, because we’ve earned that.
Oh that's not on, as you said even if you were, all the winking at the table isn't great for you.
Oh that must have been hard for you. I had 2 friends last year that had twins, that was hard.
Children are indeed a gift and I'm thrilled for people when they are pregnant but it hurts, I yearn as do we all here to be a mum and for my hubby to be a father.
Absolutely 😊 well said, we sure will be. Xxx
That was so very insensitive of her. She obviously has No idea whatsoever how you are feeling or what it is like to struggle with this. Sending you massive hugs. Xx
But..... my soft side feels sorry for her too, she obviously does not get what it's like and then she's told me this news and I've been sad. Even cried on the phone, feeling guilty now. Oh gosh.... we'll get there.
You really will get there. I am glad you were able to tell her. She has obviously got a shock from her news and won't want to have upset you. You are both now feeling guilty but hopefully you can help each other xxxx
Oh gosh you poor thing!! 😢 gosh people just don't get it aye reeeallly peeves me off how un sensitive people can be, i get that they dont understand fully what we are going through but come on! How stupid and selfish can you be!! That may sound harsh but I don't care!! I'm sick of people not having any empathy or respect whatsoever!! I'm so sorry hun that's just not ok. Distance yourself if you have to for a bit, you need to look after yourself. I'm sort of going through not the same but similar, my 2 best friends say they are there for me yet neither of them have contacted me in the last 2 weeks to see how I am or anything. It's like they don't fully understand so they just stay away thinking that's what I want but it's not. Anyways look after yourself sweetie, we are all here for you xxxxx
I know! People are unbelievable at times. Even worse when it's your sister who is fully aware!
No no I agree, I'm fed up of it too.
I'm actually going to see her tomorrow, she lives 45 mins away and has asked me to join her and one of her daughter's on a shopping trip and I have agreed to go. My niece had an turn in her eye corrected on Friday so she's off school so it will be nice to see her.
But going forward I'm not going to be so soft especially with the people who are aware.
So sorry that she has been so insensitive genten, but as others have said it’s just how some people are.
Over the past year of our infertility journey everyone else seems to be having babies and announcing pregnancies. My best friends both had babies last week and I’m finding it so hard when I know they bought a house after us, got married after us, and certainly weren’t trying for very long, one wa in her first month of trying and knew all about our troubles. My younger cousin and his wife had there baby recently too and chose the little girls name that we had liked...
Just feel you need to remember -it’s ok to be upset it’s ok to cry and let it all out. Also, (our consultant told me this after I broke down in the clinic and ranted about the pregnant women standing outside the maternity department smoking 😤) someone else having a baby isn’t what is stopping you conceiving, there is no limit on numbers and when the time is right it will happen for me and for you. I know that doesn’t make now any easier but in the long run it’s worth trying to think of it that way. xxxxxx
Really sorry to hear this. That must have been very upsetting for you. I have to say that I would have to tell her how upsetting that was for me to hear in that way, if I was you. Of course you don't want to dampen her excitement (as sadly people's lives do go on around us as we are trying to conceive), however it might encourage her to show a little bit of tact and thoughtfulness through the rest of her pregnancy. I think she was probably caught up in the moment and didn't think about how much that might upset you. I'm sure she would be very apologetic if she knew. Your time will certainly come xx
Thank you. It really was, in my mind i was thinking if she's pregnant she can't tell Me on this way so she must be warning me of another bro or sis! Was so shocked.
Absolutely and I want to share her joy and I will do. I'm going to see her this morning.
A similar thing happened to me and my sister. I just had my tubes removed so obviously a difficult time knowing I can’t get pregnant naturally so all my emotions hit. The day I had my appointment of that news with my doctor my sister came round to tell me she was pregnant.
My first thought was that’s insensitive and it was but I didn’t show it I just cried after she left.
I knew I can’t be bitter of someone’s joy because my day will come soon and I just put it down to she clearly didn’t think at that time how it would effect me telling me. But I also wouldn’t want to feel she couldn’t approach me and it’s hidden. I guess there’s better ways with announcing it around sensitive times like this.
You will get there, your time will come and it will be so special ❤️ Xx
Oh bless you 😥 I had mine clipped in May so also can't concieve naturally.
I know people here have said there's no good time and I totally appreciate that and agree but telling on days when we have fertility related appointments? I mean.... so out of order.
She told me in a text and after I replied then felt it was ok to announce in family group chat too.
I'm pleased for her, I know she always wanted more children (she has 2 girls already) and I don't want to taint her news but some tact would have been nice.
My sister could tell I was upset which backlashed into me being classed as selfish. Our relationship has always been chalk and cheese so I knew she would understand my pain.
I went through a round of ivf in August but failed unfortunately but I’m fighting ready to start my next cycle.
No one will ever understand the pain of going through this if they don’t go through it themselves so I feel you will always get insensitive people it’s just more hurtful when it’s family.
Stay strong, we are all here for you to rant at ❤️😘 xx
Oh sorry to hear that. Probably worse when you are very different and myself and sister are too but only 1 year between us so we've always been close.
Bless you. I hope all goes well with your next cycle.
Thanks so so much 💖💖
I understand exactly how you feel. I had 2 ivfs this year that both failed and those 2 months our best friends and SIL both conceived and shared the news with us. I cryed so much when I heard the news, I am happy for them but so so sad for us. We are going to do another ivf this year and go back to focusing on us and try and be positive which is hard as I’ve had 2 failed. I pray it’s our time and this time I get pregnant and stay pregnant 🙏
I felt I had to write this as no one understands our heart ache and truly understand the painful emotional coaster journey we are all going through. Having these forums help because we understand each other’s heart ache and one day join in the celebration of when we are pregnant and understand our emotions being bad or good.
Just want to send you big big hugs we understand what your going through and one day we will have a baby of our own don’t give up 💞
Aww so sorry to hear the same has happened to you. Just awful.
I get that and feel the same. I'm happy for her but I'm hurt for me and my husband.
I'll be praying for you that this is your time, that all goes well and that you get to carry your baby very soon.
This forum had been my life line, I used to come on and just read but as you go through more, you're able to help others and share experiences so thays a positive.
It just beggars belief how little people think of others! I told two colleagues about my impending IVF about a year ago for practical reasons stating I don;t want to talk about it and I don't want people to know. One was great and pretty much respected that, and you guessed it, the other went over the top with the questioning and ended up blabbing to others in the department. So ended up off during our first 2ww, got a BFN and spent time off getting my head round it and went back when I WAS ready ( as much as you can be!) only to have about 4 colleagues WHO I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO ABOUT IT AT ALL came up and give condolences - one of them did so in front of a group of kids - not even in private!!!!
From this same colleague I have heard every single possible cliche including -
* if you can't cope with one pregnancy than you shouldn't be here ( that was the first she was aware of since ttc - I'd coped with 16.......)
* Have you thought about adopting? We considered it after child no3 but accidentally got pregnant (that line was rubbish cause she talked about getting her husband the snip and how much a handful 3 were)
* ivf is so exciting you are sooo going to get pregnant!!! My god what if it's twins!!!! ( Stats for positive outcomes in my age group at my clinic are 18% - self explanatory, and my appointment that I'd just had was not a great one)
*so tell me about what happens when you go in - I know nothing about IVF! - (this is straight after and appointment)
* you can borrow my children anytime- they're a nightmare at times!!! (4 under 6 years of age)
Needless to say, I have been off for the entirety of my third round - did get a BFP which I am delighted about BUT am totally dreading going to work as NOW I will have, yet again, people looking at me funny - am I ? am i not? Some have in past asked other women out right if they're pregnant - do they seriously expect me to answer before any scans. If i was negative, do they realise the wound they're opening? The stress that this one woman has caused me - I feel it's taken the shine off this for me going back to work and I do completely resent this which makes me feel even worse.
SOrry this has been such I long post.... some people I guess can be just no nice around thus....
We tell people who we think need to know or that can somehow support us and that is disrespectful.
Hate the cliches!
Oh yep.... the adoption one, one of my favs! Not.
Just ridiculous really.
Don't let this woman spoil your joy, you deserve this moment. I wouldn't tell her a thing. You owe her nothing. Even of she's not meant any harm, she needs to think before she speaks.
How awful for you, it must be particularly hard coming from your sister. It’s good that she rang to apologise once she realised about the appointment, but seriously sending you scan photos without being invited to is just a slap in the face. I genuinely think some people have no clue how to handle it and so end up ignoring it and carrying on as normal rather than acknowledging how difficult it is for us. It might be worth having an open chat with her about how she’s made you feel and how you’d rather hear her updates moving forward - sounds like coming off the family chat is a good idea.
Since this whole thing started I’ve learnt a lot about my friendships, both good and bad. I have friends who haven’t even met anyone to begin trying with who are still lovely and understanding about it all, while others have acted appallingly. It’s really shocking some of the things people think it’s ok to say - like the friend who asked me if we’d started trying and then when I opened up about our difficulties, said “wow, it only took us one month to get pregnant, you must have a real issue if it’s taking you that long!”. We later found out through my husband chatting to her partner that they’d been trying for a lot longer which I find even more galling - why lie to get one up on someone who is opening up to you as a friend? Unbelievable. I find it hard to cut people out completely, especially when they’re part of a wider group, but definitely keep certain people at arm’s length now and try not to take anything they say personally. It really does reflect badly on them as a person and as my husband always says, most of the time people aren’t living the perfect life they’d like you to imagine.
As she’s your sister it’s definitely worth sharing how you feel so she can be more sensitive in future, but just remember to put yourself first. If people aren’t getting it, do what you need to to get through it. Xx
I'm glad we talked too. I met her today and spoke about what had upset me and that i was shocked she broke the news in such a way.
She post a scan Sorry, she posted a pic of her test which is even worse in a way but I think anything at the moment feels bad after a failed cycle 3 weeks ago.
Me too, there are 2 friends I don't talk to anymore. They never ever asked how we were getting on and not showing any care at all and I don't need that.
Sorry some of your friends have been less than supportive to you.
Cannot believe your friend commented that it's taking you long!!! What on earth? And then for you to hear that she had fibbed about the length of time it took her to concieve, it's not a contest.
That's so true. My mum thinks that as a family we all have lots of issues going on and we do, were a massive family and I always tell her that all families have issues but they are not as open as we are. Always things going on behind closed doors and no one's life is rosy all of the time.
My sister wasn’t even trying and got pregnant, I almost felt like my chance had been taken away when I found out - she even said she didn’t want any more.
Everyone I know who could be impregnated has been since I’ve been ttc. You get over it though, you have no choice in the end because u can’t avoid them forever.
At the time you just want the world to swallow you up.
Keep going, you will get there. Hopefully we all will too xx
My sister used to say that but also knew that she would some day.
Same!! Literally everyone. Only one of my friends does not have children but she does have a step son and does want kids, she's also younger than me and will have children I'm sure.
Oh I am sorry to hear this. But I would say be kind to yourself. I recently sent this to a friend who was being a bit insensitive- fertilitynetworkuk.org/wp-/...
I found out my pregnancy wasn't viable last year November and had to terminate it.
Two months later my sister tells me she is 3 weeks pregnant and unplanned, she wasn't ready and stressed out.
I know well how hard it is, i can relate. I cried a lot, i was angry, felt that life was unfair, avoided people but eventually i made peace with it. After that i went to every appointment with my sister and weirdly it gets better. You will still have some down days, its a continuous effort but it gets easier to cope.
FYI i was to start IVF last month but since my sister was having a baby i postponed it for my own sanity and also celebrate the arrival of my nephew
Same here, I cried on Monday evening but I've seen her since and cleared the air. I'm always the one in the family who supports everyone and I'll support her too.
That's a good idea. You need to keep your stress levels down when possible.
Thanks for replying and wishing you lots of luck with your cycle. Xxx
Hi I had read your post and thought that this was very insensitive of your sister. I now have came back and commented as I found out today on 2nd day of injections for first ICSI cycle that my sister in law is pregnant. As much as I am happy for them can't help but think it was insensitive as they knew we were having difficulties as were they. So I guess I knew this was going to be a possibility but doesn't make it any easier. Wanted to comment to let you know I sort of know how you feel. Take care x
Yes! It's awful really adds pressure for some reason. Did they say how far along she is?
I know what you mean about being happy for them but yes it is insensitive.
I think there is never a good time to tell us that they are pregnant but some times are better than others.
In your case and with being early in your cycle, you will have to put it aside (and trust me I know this won't be easy), this is your time and you need to focus on yourself. You deserve it this time, I've no doubt that you have been gearing yourself up ready for it.
Don't be put off and give this cycle everything you've got. Sending you a big hug. Xxx
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I'm so annoyed!!
Struggling a bit today.. 
Really upset, 12 month wait!!!
