Feeling blue and so alone...

[Eva1709]

Hi, I'm new here. Hoping to find a supportive community to chat about fertility problems as could really do with hearing from someone who has been or is going through the same difficulties. And happy to give support back!

My hubby and I have tried for children for nearly 6 years. At first it was nothing too serious; we felt almost giddy at the thought that any day now we'd find out we were pregnant. After a while that giddiness subsided into uncertainty, frustration and then complete and utter despair. All of a sudden I started to notice all the pregnant women around me when previously I was oblivious!

The last three years have been the hardest. It started with one of my best friends announcing she was pregnant at the same time my hubby and I began fertility tests. On the day we had our test results back confirming we needed IVF, our mutual close friend calls to say she is pregnant. Just weeks after that my sister-in-law also telephones to say she is pregnant, and literally a couple of weeks after that my sister who had only recently moved to Australia with her hubby calls to say she is also pregnant! Sadly my sister-in-law miscarried at 15 weeks but she then fell pregnant again shortly afterwards. Around about the same time, my other best friend finds out she's pregnant with her third child.

I've had two laparoscopies to investigate and treat endometriosis, and have had an hysteroscopy to look at my Fallopian tubes.

We went through IVF but sadly it didn't work- we were crushed. Whenever I think of the image of our little blastocyst hot tears immediately spring up in my eyes. The very same day our baby would have been due is the same day a work colleague's baby was born- I ran to the toilet and cried.

We have a frozen embryo but neither of us quite have the energy to go through IVF again just now, but we also know we can't imagine our lives without children.

Today at work, a colleague who seemingly got pregnant as soon as she put her mind to it (aka 'preggers') came over to the pod of desks my team sit at to speak with another colleague. This colleague commented on how preggers' bump was growing nicely, and preggers ran her hands over her bump in an 'aww, my baby' fashion. This simple and innocent action has had me in tears all day. I am desperate to know what it feels like to know you are carrying and creating a little baby inside you. Preggers walks around the office swelling with womanly pride at being able to conceive, she actually is positively glowing. I'm torn between being so very envious of her and being happy for her.

Sometimes I feel surrounded by super fertile women. I'm so tired of this heartache.

[romaluna2015]

Hello .

You will definitely get the support from this forum everyone in this forum is lovely and supportive and although going through our own struggles will always help one another in times of need .

I am sorry I don't have anything else to add to my comment but I just wanted to say hello I'm Romaluna2015 xx

[Eva1709 in reply to romaluna2015]

Hi Romaluna2015, thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. 😊 Xx

[Tw1986]

Aw hunny this forum is definitely the best place to be, we've all had to to support each other and without this forum I wouldn't of coped. No one will ever understand your feelings without feeling it, it's so heartbreaking watching people take there children for granted and take even getting pregnant for granted, you are not alone sweet we are all in it together here xxx

[Eva1709 in reply to Tw1986]

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post! It is good to know there's support on here- it can be so overwhelming at times. Xxx

[Shannon1400]

I completely get how you feel. We've been actively trying for 8 years. Been undergoing treatment for 4 years. I understand the feeling when everywhere you go there are pregnant women and you get to a point where you can become quite jealous at times. You feel horrible thinking like that but you can't help it. I have my consent signing and nurse appointment on 20th July. I'm pulling my hair out with mixed emotions. What do I do if it fails. Please feel free to chat away with me. Sounds like we both need the support xx

[Eva1709 in reply to Shannon1400]

Hi Shannon1400, I know exactly what you mean about the jealousy- makes you feel so irrational because you don't know their stories but at the same time the envy is real. Thank you for taking the time to reply! Here to support you all as well xx

[E_05]

Welcome to the forum, everyone is so supportive I don't know what I'd of done without this group even in such a short time.

I've had similar with pregnancy announcements - just over 4 years ago we were told by a GP that we would never have children, 2 weeks later on Christmas Day my SIL decide to announce her pregnancy. Then last year my 2nd cycle was unsuccessful and the next day she decided to announce she was pregnant again telling me she thought I should know because she now knows what it's like to struggle.

Unfortunately unless you've walked/walking this journey you don't understand the sheer heart ache it brings. I feel people thinks IVF is this magic cure, they don't realise how much is involved and all the uncertainties it brings.

I'm so sorry you've already been through so much, I hope now you've got people to talk with you and your hubby may find strength. I'm sure you will know when the time is right if you want to start your FET cycle.

Always here if you need a chat, take care of each other xx

[Eva1709 in reply to E_05]

Hi E_05, thank you for your reply! So true what you say about not understanding the complete heartbreak unless you've experienced fertility problems. I've never had a pregnancy test turn even remotely positive- sometimes I almost dare the stick to turn positive!

Vice versa- here if you need a chat or good ol' moan anytime. Xx

[E_05 in reply to Eva1709]

Thank you! I hadn't either until last year it was definitely bitter sweet. How long ago was your first IVF cycle? It's so tough always being surrounded by pregnant people and the jealousy it brings - there's times I'm out shopping and tell my husband we need to leave cause I just can't emotionally deal with it. Im slowly accepting to take each day by day xx

[Eva1709 in reply to E_05]

It's been a little over two years since our first and only cycle. I needed to wait for an op afterwards which I had April 2016. Both my hubby and I go through phases when we're eager to try again, and then there are other times when we just know we don't have the strength for it. I feel we're getting closer to a FET though. Maybe by the end of the year. The first time round we were so very naive- I just expected it to work. There was no doubt in my mind that it wouldn't. Friends and family were naive too- no one thought it wouldn't be successful.

What's your situation now? I'm sorry to hear you feel that way when you're out shopping sometimes but, you are allowed to feel that way- this journey is so hard and there is no break from it. Even if you watch something on YouTube there are adverts for pregnancy tests!! Xx

[E_05 in reply to Eva1709]

Ah okay I hope your op all went well. I totally get that, I think everyone thinks IVF is this magical cure that means you'll have a baby when will all know isn't true. My family that knew were similar and because I did fall pregnant never dreamt it would end in miscarriage.

I know so true, it's like you can't escape it! I'm starting my 4th cycle (2nd fresh) next week. I had my first fresh cycle last year followed by 2 unsuccessful FET cycles. I'm nervously excited about starting fresh again, I do worry it won't work as well as last time so I'm just trying hard to not make comparisons xx

[pm27]

Some days there are too many reminders! I had one of those days yesterday. Conversation between 2 people in the office

Lady 1 "Oh you're back. What did you have?"

Lady 2 "A boy and a girl. They were 1 on Sunday." "How old is your girl?"

Lady 1 "13 months"

Lady 2 "Would you like to see some photos?"

Lady 1 "Oh yes"

They then started ohhing and ahhing over photos and discussing nurseries etc.

Then at our exercise class 2 ladies start asking the instructor about her baby bump, visits to hospital, 1 of them even rubbed the instructor's bump. The instructor said that her and her OH have a lovely day out when they go for scans. Lucky you I thought the day we went for our scan was the worst day of my life (missed mc). I would not wish that experience on anyone but I did feel envious at that moment in time.

All the conversations (including the one you had to sit through) are perfectly normal but they hold more significance for those of us who struggle to conceive or keep the pregnancy. We also had a close friend get pregnant as we were being told we needed ICSI. We sadly got 3 BFNs from 3 rounds of ICSI. This friend was one of the most supportive people during our treatment & ceasing treatment. I was really pleased for our friend but also felt envious, this mix of emotions is normal. It's ok to feel like this.

[Eva1709 in reply to pm27]

Hi pm27, thank you for taking the time to reply!

I am so sorry to hear of your day the other day. You're right; all those convos and little actions are totally normal but you just wish you could swap places with them to know what it feels like to have kids to ooo and ahh over.

I'm sorry for your experience so far as well. Do you think you'll go through another cycle? X

[pm27 in reply to Eva1709]

We ceased treatment last year. I couldn't face any more failures or tests. We'd 2 mcs from natural conceptions and used DE on round 3 of ICSI and still no BFP or any frosties. I was getting on a bit (42 at time of stopping) and we'd spent £21k+ it just didn't look like it was going to happen. If we'd had frosties I would probably had FET but the thought of another fresh round was too much. Most days I'm fine but sometimes it seems that there are pregnant ladies, families and other reminders everywhere. It's so helpful to have this forum!

I wish you all the best for the future.

[Hidden]

Welcome to the foum Eva.you have come to the right place.you are not alone.dont give up hope. I got a bfp on my third try. Though it has issues with hcg levels not rising im still glad I got to be " pregnant ."all the best with your journey.

[Eva1709 in reply to Hidden]

Hi Lawmom, thank you for taking the time to reply! Congratulations on your BFP. That's great you had the courage to try three times. All the best with your journey too. X

[Hidden in reply to Eva1709]

Sadly my bfp turned into a bfn.so I'm still taking it one day at Stone abs hopeful for a better outcome next time.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Sorry I meant one day at a time and hopeful for a better outcome.

[Eva1709 in reply to Hidden]

Aw, Lawmom, I am very sorry to hear that. One day at a time is all you can do just now. I hope you're allowing yourself some treats- whatever it is that enjoy. X

[krw345]

You've come to the right place! It has been so reassuring to chat and read people's stories - finally a place where people understand the daily grief and devastation of infertility. You are not alone and I'm sure you will get the support you need on here xx

[Eva1709 in reply to krw345]

Thank you krw345! Yes, I agree- there is a lot of warmth and support here, I already feel better and I only joined a couple of days ago. Xx

[Georgina78]

Oh Hun I can feel your heartache in your words and know exactly how you feel. You've come to the right place for support & total understanding though, hopefully that will help you through what can feel like a complete nightmare.

I've been trying many years with my hubby too, have endometriosis and have had 4 failed ivf cycles (last one ended in a chemical pregnancy)

I'm the last of my friends without children (some have 3 😳) my SIL is currently pregnant and it's only a matter of time till both my siblings are too, which I'm dreading.

It's so unfair, I wish I had some amazing advice to give you but I'm struggling too and just wanted you to know you're far from alone 😘

What's the next steps for you Hun? Xx