I don't know who is here that always was but I am writing to those who remember me from months gone by. To everyone who has sent me private messages, I cannot thank you enough for your kind words and curiosity about how we're getting along and I hope you know that I have often thought about you and have been wishing you all well from a distance.
So where have I been? Where do I start? I came back at the end of last year after taking a break, gearing up ready for the next cycle (our third and final cycle). Back then I was just trying to come to terms with all that had happened in the 18 months prior and get myself emotionally and physically strong enough to start again. And I was just starting to get there. What happened next has turned my world upside down and I think I'm only now in a position where I can talk about it.
In November last year my Dad, who was my biggest fan, my cheerleader, my supporter, the person who I turned to when the going got tough, passed away. It was unexpected; he took ill, went into hospital and died 4 days later. The pain I had experienced the previous year with the miscarriage was nothing compared to this. My heart was broken (it still is) and it felt like my world had ended.
Following this in December on Boxing Day, my Mother-in-Law, who I had lived with, loved and cared for for over a decade, also passed away of the same condition as my Dad. I cannot begin to describe how my husband and I were feeling whilst all this happened. It was excruciating. After all we'd been through, we'd lost two of the people who we loved and who loved us the most, along with any chance of them ever getting to meet our future children. On the same day as my Mother-in-Law passed away my younger brother was admitted to hospital with Stage 4 Kidney Disease. The following day my Grandad was also admitted and I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I felt like I would never recover from all that had happened in the space of 6 weeks. When I went to the hospital to see my Grandad I broke down. I passed out in the corridor, it was just too much to take. My brother and Grandad are still unwell but I am very grateful that they are still with us.
Since then we have had many challenges. I have been admitted to hospital myself several times, more recently a couple of days before Fathers Day. I spent my first Father's Day without my Dad in the ward next to where he passed away. I felt like I hat hit rock bottom in that moment.
Also, a week prior to my hospital admission, our little Dog, the love of our lives, Douggie, died suddenly from acute kidney failure. All within the space of 6 or so months. At times it's all been too much to take. I am only strong enough to put this all into words now (albeit fighting back the tears) because I am lucky to have an unbelievable team around me; my husband, our family and friends.
And breathe.
So there it is. The reason I never got to make my comeback last year. We were all set too - we'd given up everything; alcohol, caffeine, processed food. We were eating organic. We were taking all of the vitamins we were supposed to. We were exercising, I went for reflexology, it all seemed to be going so well and WHAM. Life (or more aptly, death) happened.
And yet, here we are again. We're right at the very beginning again. Just starting to get back on track. It has taken months but I'm finally at the point where I'm not crying every day and I feel like in a few months I will have the strength to go back to the hospital and get a timeframe to start again next year. I don't think we could take any more heartache this year so we're making sure all of the first anniversaries are out of the way.
Wow that was hard condensing all of that into a few paragraphs. To everyone who knows how this feels I send you all of the love in the world and hope you have the strength and support to get through these dark times.
So really this post was more about how we've got back here. Back to a space where we can be hopeful again. We recently renewed our wedding vows in Lake Como which has helped to stop and reset us. It's helped us to look forward again, even though I was in hospital for a week right up until the day before we left - honestly you couldn't make it up!
If I'm being honest I don't think I can devote as much time to this site as I once did. As selfish as it sounds, I have to concentrate on our journey more than that of others but I know how amazing and supportive this site is and I am wishing everyone luck and love every step of the way. No one else can understand what we are going through, no one knows how physically, mentally and emotionally draining all of this can be but I am equally as sure that no one understands the joy, happiness and love more than when this works and we finally have our families. I'm hoping that the excitement I once had for the process will soon return. It's getting there. If there's one thing I do know, after everything we've just been through, one little round of IVF is nothing!
So I'm taking a very deep breath and getting ready to jump back into this world because the last year has confirmed what I always know; nothing is more important than family.
Thanks for reading all the way to the bottom you lovely lovely people.
Speak soon x x x
Written by
MommaBear16
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Wow MommaBear, I'm lost for words....you poor lovely lady having to go through all of this pain. I wont ramble on but its lovely to hear from you and glad that you are getting to a point were life is manageable again! Huge hugs to you and hubby.xxxx
hey hunny..I was just thinking of you the other day and wondering how you were..I am so sad to read your post..my goodness what hell you have been through..you are some strong woman though don't you ever forget that..a few oldies are still here😂myself included and sadly my story has also got worse since you were last on but hey we battle on..sending you much love and always here xxx
Hi Vic lovely - I've just read your updates, I am sending you so much love. You're so amazing to keep 'battling on'. I really hope that there are brighter and happier days to come for you, lord knows you deserve them x x x
Gosh MommaBear, you really have been through the worst of life 😢 I’m so so sorry you’ve had to deal with that level of heartbreak, I can’t imagine. I lost my beloved dog last week and that feels bad enough, how you’ve coped with all that life has thrown at you and even feel remotely ready to look forward is testament to yours & hubbys character. I agree that you should focus on your own path, I remember you so well from when I was frequently on here (haven’t been myself in ages, was just struggling this week) and you were so lovely & supportive to others, but now you should definitely put yourself first. I hope with all my heart that there are good things to come for you, they will never take away the pain of all you’ve lost but you really deserve some happy and positive things to come into your life. Sending you much love and strength xxxx
Hi Georgina - ohmigoodness I am so sorry to read about your dog. It's absolutely heartbreaking and it just seems to compound all the sadness from everything we've gone through doesn't it? The loss is unbearable, I hope you are doing as well as you can be. Thank you so much for your kind words, I am sending only good and positive things back your way. I wish that this site was just a temporary stop on the way to happiness. For many it is but for others its a recurring visit. Thank goodness everyone here is so lovely and supportive! x x x
Thanks Hun, it probably pales into insignificance compared to what you’ve been through but I am missing her dreadfully. I have to just take comfort from the fact that she’s at peace now, and she was old so we know we’ve been very lucky to have her so long ❤️
I wish that was the case for all of us too, I thought about deleting it but it’s never really over is it, and sometimes you need a little support even if it has been a long time since you last came on. I hope everything goes well for you lovely, you really deserve some good news. Lots of love xxx
Hey MommaBear.... wow you really have had such a tough tough time, im not on here much these days but from time to time will follow the group.
Wow I’m not quite sure how to respond to your post but believe me when I say we are always here and often think about those who are going, have gone it indeed still are going through this journey. Even those that are not ( but at some stage wer).
My thoughts are with you and I know how strong your are and May that be the case... you Take care, and as I say we are always always always here to lean on MommaBear.
Oh Sanj! I was just thinking about you before I came back on here wondering if you would still be around offering such wonderful support to others and here you are! How lovely! Congratulations on the birth of your daughter, I am so happy for you and I hope you are all doing well. Best wishes to you all and thank you for your kinds words x x x
Hi Mommabear, I am so sorry for your losses. You really have been through a lot, I pray and hope that going forward this is your time. I am sure your mil and dad are looking down at you and guiding you. I hope your next cycle brings you your bundle of joy xxx
NDE!!!!! Ohmigoodness - CONGRATULATIONS!!!! I literally have goosebumps! Your third cycle? WOW. Just WOW! I can't tell you how much hope you have just given me. Thank you so much for your kind words, everyone is just too lovely here. I forgot how much support you all bring. Thank you x x x
Thank you so much! It's been a hard 3 years, but obviously nothing compared to what you have just gone through. So after 2 iuis and 3 ivfs it finally worked! I honestly feel that taking steroids and having the scratch helped. If you haven't got your NK cells tested please do! I highly believe by taking the steroids which only cost £8 helped! I wish I had known before. I really wish you the best for your next cycle, and we're all here for support. If you need to ask anything please do xx
Lovely to see you back but very sad to read what you have been through. It’s positive you hear your in a better place now and are able to think about moving forward.
Lovely to hear you renewed your vows and you and hubby are stronger than ever.
Wishing you every success in moving forward and starting treatment again xxx
Oh Button - CONGRATULATIONS on your wonderful news! I hope that you and your beautiful little girl are doing well! How lovely - I will be honest, when I was on here previously there were some people who had such terrible luck and I thought that it might never happen for them and coming back to see all these wonderful good news stories is giving me more hope than you could ever imagine! Sending love to you and thank you for your words x x x
Aw it’s such a lovely forum and very supportive. It took us 5 cycles and at times I thought we would never get there, but with the help of our wonderful donor we now have our dream xxx
Hey 👋 Omg I don’t even know where to start except to say that I am so so sorry for your losses and all the other stuff you’ve had to contend with. I wish you all the luck in the world this time around xx
Congratulations Mrs Booton!!! Wonderful news!!! I hope you had an amazing wedding! And thank you for your kind words, I know you had a terrible run of luck last year and I am wishing and hoping that the coming months continue to bring you more good news and joy! x x x
Hello MommaBear! I'm still here, not as much as before. But i do check in every now & then.
Wow!! You really have been through it! You are amazing, to have coped with all your heartache. I can't believe how much sadness that has happened in such a short space of time.
I wish you all the luck & love to carry on fighting & I know you will be amazing!
You were such a strength to me when i first joined the site 3 years ago. So if I can be the same to you, please message me anytime. Lots of love. Becky xxx
Becky my love! Congratulations!!! Ohmigoodness!! I can't take all this good news - what on earth has been happening while I've been away?! I hope things are going well, it sounds like you've had a rough time of it but I am sure everything is going to continue to go well for you and I can't wait for another update!Thank you so much for your lovely words, you are so very kind but please take care of yourself x x x
You are stronger than you think cos I don't know what I'd be like if I went through all that you have gone through. I just want to send you hugs and kisses xxx
I also want you to do whatever makes you feel better and keep you going, lots of love to you hun😘
Hello lovely - how are you doing? It looks like you've had a tough time too lately, I hope that you are recovering well from the last cycle and that you are starting to look forward again. Easier said than done I know. Thank you so much for your lovely words, I look forward to keeping an eye on your progress x x x
Oh I'm a lot better now. I had it rough on the Zoladex (passed out twice and was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance to be admitted). This journey is TOUGH, just when you think you are ontop of it, life happens.
We are taking a break till next year when we will use DE.
You really deserve it to be your turn next. Fingers crossed for you. Xxx
Hey MommaBear it’s so good to hear from you! I am so so sad to hear of all you have gone through; I can’t begin to imagine the heartache and turmoil, just devastating. You are an amazing woman. Just make sure you take time to make yourself better before you jump back on this band wagon!! Sending lots of love and healing positivity xxx
Oh WeeMrsH!!! Congratulations!!! Have you had your 12 week scan?! What is happening on this site?! So much good news from those who have gone through this journey with me previously, I am getting sooooooooo excited just thinking about getting started again from hearing such amazing things!! Thank you for your lovely words, you are so kind. Please look after yourself and keep us updated with your progress!!! x x x
Wow that was very hard reading all of that...im so very sorry. But I do know how you feel...i buried my parents and a sister all before the age of 30. Heartbreaking. I'm still not ok. I dont think ill ever be. Plus I live halfway across the world from The family I do have left. Feeling lost and alone...i know all about that. The only thing that slightly helps is time. Time can be your enemy..as is with our journeys...but also your friend. Just take it day by day...some will bad...really bad. And some will be good. And as time goes on you can finally think of them and smile. It takes time but you. I'm feeling for you right now so please take care of yourself and just try and be strong...and carry on. As that's what we do! I wish you so much happiness and that rainbow baby we are all searching for. Sending big hugs from new zealand 😊😘💞
Oh nikib what beautiful words from someone who is obviously still hurting from everything that you have gone through - I am so sorry that you have experienced all of that especially at such a young age. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for sharing your story. I wish I could send you a real life hug. What an incredible lady to go through all of that and still take the time to offer support to others. You are amazing. I hope that there is good luck and good news on it's way for you in the coming months, sending love x x x
I hope your holding up ok. Thanks so much for your kind words, it means alot. Take care of yourself and spoil yourself a bit if you can. Anything that will take your mind and thoughts off things even for just a few minutes. Sending massive virtual hugs and love xxxx
Hi literally loss of words . All I can say I had a phase like that during my 4 th ivf trial . In a span of a year I lost 3 people near to me . Even now I feel lost at times . So feel ur pain . But we all have to put our strength together and get going really. It's really hard but you have been amazing.
Hello Tiger love - thank you for getting in touch and I am so sorry that you had to endure that at such a stressful time, there are no words. I hope that you are well and you are starting to look forward again after everything. Please keep in touch x x x
No I've not been able to get myself to do anything ever since 10 months now . Hardly come on here . I don't know how to pull myself together no more . I simply don't feel like doing anything at all really . That's me . But always there to share experience if someone needs .
Oh Tiger. I understand how that feels. Please take care of yourself and I hope that you start to see the sunshine through those clouds soon. Don't beat yourself up, it will take as long as it takes but know that there are always people who can help and support you. Take care and keep in touch x x x
There are just no words...you have had an incredibly difficult time. I’m so sorry to hear things have been so very painful for you. I just wanted to say that I truly hope happier times lie ahead for you. Sending you very best wishes for your forthcoming treatment xx
Oh Dunla - thank you so much for your lovely words. It looks like you've been on a difficult journey too and I wish you so much luck for the coming months that there is good news to come in your next round of treatment x x x
Hello lovely lady! I was just thinking about you the other day, wondering how you are.
I’m so so sorry to hear what you’ve been through, I can’t imagine the pain and devastation you’ve had. You’re an incredibly strong lady and a fighter and you’re absolutely right life can really put things in perspective when things like this happen.
I’m one of the oldies still on here and still not got the happy ending yet but one way or another I’m hoping to move on this year.
It sounds like you’re starting to feel stronger and I’m wishing you all the luck in the world for when you’re ready and massive hugs xxxx
Hello CheshireKit old friend - I am so sorry to read your most recent news. I am honestly so sad for you, I hope you are doing as well as you possibly can be. I am starting to feel stronger, I just hope that it lasts. I suppose it has to - we don't have much choice do we? Have to give ourselves the very best chance of this all working. Sending lots of love to you and so much luck - here's to brighter days x x x
Hello i have no words to say....im so sorry for your losses 😪 you are an example to all of us and this post has just shown what a brave women you are and although we feel ivf takes over our life there is heck of a lot more we are bearing day in and day out..... Just want to give you a big hug and anytime we are all here for you although we need you more than you need us becaus you are the strength we need to keep reminding ourself to have. My sincere prayer is for things to get better for you and you achieve what you are fighting for ❤️😥 xxxx
Thank you so much Trying for your lovely words. I have just read your most recent post and I hope that you are feeling much brighter at the minute. You are doing amazingly well just know that. I imagine your head is all over the place and you can't keep track of your emotions from one day to the next but I'll bet you are doing so much better than you could ever imagine. Your last post was very familiar, keep being honest about how you feel but keep looking forward and try, as much as you possibly can, to stay positive. Good luck with your cycle, I have everything crossed for you! x x x
Momma bear, hello lovely lady. See how you’ve pulled all the old friends out of the woodwork! What a terrible time you’ve had, but wonderful that you now feel ready to try again. Looks like everyone’s still here. We are due to start our second attempt in the next few months xx
Hi Sipidania!!! You're right all the old gang is back together again! I love this!!! I've just read your last post, what a beautiful little girl you have!! I hope she is doing well after her recent surgery, what a terrible thing to go through but I'm so relieved to hear she is doing well. Good luck with your second attempt - I hope there is more good news on the way! x x x
Thankyou - she is amazing. We literally went to hell and back during that time but she has proved to everyone how determined she is to live life and we are enjoying helping her do it! 😍😍😍 - see my next post for my latest not so great news....
Ohmigoodness. My love. I don't know what to say. You are being tested beyond what any person deserves. Sending love, best wishes and good health to you and your Mam. Please make sure you take care of yourself through all of this and allow others to take care of you too x x x
Wow.... the strength of a woman
You are superwoman even when none of life makes sense you fought the battle and even sometimes when you feel weak, remember how you got here.
I wish for and your family the pain to ease, the days return when you smile with only a little pain.
And you get your bundle of joy to love and cherish xxx
Oh mommabear, I remember you were just coming to the end of treatment as I joined this site a while back. You really have been through the mill and some! I’m so sorry, you are one strong lady to be able to even write it down. I have everything crossed for you xxx
Hi Lizzie! Thank you so much - how are you getting on? I've just seen your most recent update but that was from a few months ago - I hope things are continuing to go well for you! x x x
Yes, am now 18 weeks and baby has started to wriggle in my tummy. Anomaly scan next week which is a slight worry as there’s a 5% chance the embryo screening was wrong, and we do have a baby with a chromosome problem, but am hopeful it will all come back clear.
Good to hear from you but so so sorry about all you've been through. I've had a year out of treatment too but today we had another of those crappy scared about scan result times and it brings it all flooding back.
So good to see so many familiar names on here. I also don't post often but obviously keep an eye on things like you guys.
Oh Mantaray - I am so sorry to read about your Dad. I hope you are doing as well as you possibly can be but I know that it is a long road. I have often thought of you and how you are getting on. I look forward to following your progress with DE and I really hope that this is your time. Sending you so much love, keep in touch x x x
Hello lovely, we had a little boy in May from our 3rd cycle. Love him to pieces. Will be thinking of you for your next steps. You deserve every success xxx
Ohmigoodness!! Congratulations!!!! Another third cycle miracle baby!! I love this!!! I've got goosbumps, getting excited for our third cycle now. Hope you are all doing well! x x x
MommaBear, this last year has dealt you a tough hand, but I am in awe of your strength and awareness. The sun is glimmering through those storm clouds and soon you’ll see those clouds disappear away. Life is shit and I’m sorry that it has all landed at your doorstep this year. Stay strong, look after you & hubby. Congrats on your vow renewals. I hope 2019 has something special and magical in store for you, hugs Xx
Oh Jengi what lovely words, thank you so much.You are right, life is shit haha but I am so grateful for everything that I have and my hope is building again with every day. I hope that this and next year bring you success too - I see you are on the verge of a new cycle, I have everything crossed for you! x x x
Oh my god you poor thing, you really have had the most traumatic time, and I am so sorry 😞 I am actually lost for words and I’m sure nothing I say will bring you much comfort, so instead I will wish you the best of luck for your upcoming round, and pray to the universe that it delivers you some much deserved good luck 💜💜xxx
Oh my love, Aleelilook, I have just seen your most recent update. I won't ask how you are, I know how you are and I am so sorry you are going through this. Sending so much love and strength your way. Please take care of yourself, I wish I had the words to give you some comfort but you've been through so much already I know you are strong enough to get through this x x x
Thank you lovely, I really appreciate your kind words xxx
My lovely I didn’t follow your past journey as I wasn’t on here but if there is anyone that deserves a positive bfp in your next try it’s you. I wish you all the best and send huge hugs for everything you have gone through. My brother is on his second kidney which is failing so I understand how that alone feels never mind everything else. Look after you xxx
Thank you snuggles, that's so kind. Wishing you so much luck with your next cycle, third time lucky for both of us and sending best wishes to your brother x x x
So sorry to hear about all your news! Your one strong lady. Good luck for when you decide to try again xx
Oh hunny i don’t even know how to respond after reading your post, you have truly been to hell and back, you are one very strong and inspiring women and I truly hope that when your ready that this round will be your round as you really deserve some happiness x x x
i remember you! We were going through treatment at a similar time. wow, what a story! You've really been through it. So sorry to hear about all your heartache - you were always so kind and helpful despite your own situation on here. I often wondered what you were up to. I'm not on here much these days, just to catch up with people like you and offer advice as a IVF OAP! 😂 i truly believe life throws at us what it knows we can cope with so you must be a very strong person. My experiences don't come close and i almost cracked. My long awaited BFP was what saved me so i wish you all the luck in the world. You deserve this 100% ( sorry too much love island) please keep updating on here, it's nice to know how the old uns get on ☺ xxx
Aw embiemomma thank you so much - I remember you too!! It's nice to see familiar names on here, it's comforting to know that people still care even after they've had their success stories! Huge congratulations, I hope you are all doing really well. Take care of yourself, I'll definitely keep you updated x x x
Lovely to have you back here mommabear16. ❤️
I remember you well and like others I remember you being so supportive to me. Thank you 🙂
I am so incredibly sorry to hear of all the heartache you have both been through. There are no words for it. I think it says an awful lot about you as a couple to have been through all of that and still be fighting strong together 💝
I shall look forward to to hearing your updates along your journey and wish you every success with it. If anyone deserves this it’s you. Take good care of yourselves ❤️❤️❤️xoxo
Hi Jess!! Another familiar face!! Thank you so much for your message and your kind words! You were always one of the really strong ones here too, how are you getting on? It looks like you've had a hard time with your surgery, are you recovering well now? x x x
I’m doing well thank you ❤️He got rid of all my endo 🙌🏻 I do need to see him in a months time - just one more issue to sort and then hopefully can try again. 💝
What a terribly terribly hard year you’ve had. I’m so very sorry to hear about your losses of the people (and fur kid) that you loved the most. My heart is sore for your sake, but I hope that every bit of time that goes by will bring healing and a return of hope, and joy and purpose. All the best for this next round of IVF, you can do this. Go kick its ass!
I’ve just seen your post! Wow - you’ve had such a rough year 😥 so sorry to hear everything you’ve gone through.
Your such a strong lady and I’m glad to see that your feeling strong enough to start treatment again. Wishing you all the best, I’ll keep everything crossed for you 🤞🤞xxx
Ohmigoodness!!! Amanda!!! Congratulations!!! GOOSEBUMPS!!! Thank you for your kind words, I can't wait to get started for our third round after all these good news stories!!! Bring it on!!!! x x x
Wow you have definitely had a stressful and heartbreaking time over the last 6 months and I cannot begin to imagine the inner turmoil you went and are going through.
I wish you all the best on your journey and I hope that you and your husband soon get your wish xxx
Momma bear I'm so so sorry to read of what you have been going through. I remember you from way back when, being an oldie myself, and you were always so supportive to all of us. You are truly amazing, and inspiring to have coped with the past year and more. I hope you're getting stronger as time passes and I hope your IVF journey is continuing. Xx
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Fingers crossed for you. Xxx
It's been a long while...
*Sensitive post* 12wk 4 days
So I think it's all over...*update* HCG dropped from 600 to 61. It's over 
