:( has it hit me properly?

[oharal]

I don't even know where to turn. I started writing a blog type letter for our families to read when we got our BFP and to explain the journey we have embarked on.

I have just sat here and read it and I feel so gutted that our first cycle didn't work. Reading one section has made me feel so sad.... "That was fine, we had 1 and only need 1 to make a baby. In the stirrups I went, the hatch opened to the lab, our embryo was on the screen, it was pulled into a catheter and passed through the hatch to our doctor and in it went. Done. I was now officially PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise).

It was the most surreal experiences of our lives. It was magic. We were pregnant. We have our baby in me right now, growing. Our baby had managed to get this far in life without me but now I was going to cherish every moment of my pregnancy!! Neither of us could get over what had just happened. Off we went for our mcds, apparently the fries help the baby stick… any excuse!"

I just want to know why it didn't work it was our only embryo that got to a strong blastocyst stage but it didn't stick

This process is so hard and I think keeping it all a secret makes it so much harder but then on the other hand I guess telling everyone for it to fail is also very hard!

So thankful for this platform to off load. Im sorry to sound negative just didn't know where to turn xx

[Hidden]

Oh Oharal, I am so sorry it has hit you so hard today. This journey really is a cruel one. I can totally relate to how you feeling and its hard, damn hard! I guess we need time to pick up our pieces and get strong enough to face the next round. I an thinking of you and sending big hugs xxx

[oharal in reply to Hidden]

Its hard isn't it I know I am okay but just feel like it has actually hit me that it didn't work. I have been so busy on other things I hadn't really thought about it properly! Thanks lovely xx

[Buisquits]

So sorry that you feel like that today. It is very difficult to be strong all the time. But you are strong. And you are doing that for a reason.

Sending big hugs xxx

[oharal in reply to Buisquits]

Thank you so much xxx

[E_05]

Totally understandable to be feeling the way you are, I still struggle now with having now answers to why it didn’t work or why I had to miscarry. As for telling people it’s a totally personal choice, in the beginning we didn’t tell anyone but as times gone of we’ve began to be more honest as it’s hard to always pretend your okay.

Your allowed to have days like today, the important thing is to keep coming here to offload, we’re all here to support one another xx

[oharal in reply to E_05]

Oh im so sorry about your loss Its a cruel word isn't it. We decided we didn't want to as we didn't want the questions from everyone but it gets tough and sometimes can feel alone. Thanks so much, hope you're okay xxx

[E_05 in reply to oharal]

It most definitely is. Yeah that’s the same as us and it can add extra pressure people knowing, I think you’ll know if and when you want to open up to people xx

[JULIETJAM]

I am so sorry love. Remember next cycle will be your miracle. You are an amazing girl. Praying for you and thinking of you always. Lots of love x

[oharal in reply to JULIETJAM]

thank you my lovely xx

[emu2016]

Oh oharal, I feel your pain. I do. We have decided to tell no one this time. Because of the pain it caused us telling everyone it had worked and then not worked after first scan. We are telling my bff... because we recognise the need for support; so I can recommend you share with someone your pain. Big love x

[oharal in reply to emu2016]

It's such a tricky process isn't it. My best friends knew which made the support better but the only person I wanted was my mum xxx

[emu2016 in reply to oharal]

Will you tell your mum? My other half says you’ve just got to do what feels right at the time. And... you’ve probably lots more tears to shed. Just let them fall brave lady xx

[oharal in reply to emu2016]

Not until we are pregnant. We decided at the start to not tell family / friends because we didn't want the questions all the time. Whilst I love my mum very much and am close to her, she has enough on her plate than to be worried about me. Also now one has failed i want to keep it quiet xxx

[emu2016 in reply to oharal]

That’s fair enough. I wish we hadn’t told my mum. Difficult to undo. Get those close friends of yours round for some hugs x

[oharal in reply to emu2016]

Do you get alot of questions? When is your transfer date xxx

[Jenjen84]

I feel your pain Oharal.. I have no answers yet seek exactly the same as you.. It’s a very cruel world sometimes and very hard to find positivity all the time.. Take some time for yourself and build your strength up for the next round.. Sending a hug your way xxx

[oharal in reply to Jenjen84]

Thank you so much. Hope you are okay xxx

[Stephiex]

I’m so sorry to hear this news! It’s heartbreaking.... we are at the stage where everything so far has gone right so far.... same as you.... we have a positive test. But we are so scared to be excited incase it goes wrong. We 5 weeks at moment. Have our scan in 20th March. I’m sorry to hear ure news. Good luck on your journey. Xxx

[oharal in reply to Stephiex]

Thanks. Your news is very good and a positive test means you are pregnant. Must be a worrying time but I have everything crossed for you xxx

[ClarabGlasgow]

Sorry you are feeling so sad. It’s totally natural that you do . It really is such a tough journey & you are so brave to be fighting for what you want . I sometimes think about what I’d write on here and scream from the rooftops about a bfp but no luck yet. We heard a friend miscarried today & they have told everyone & received rightfully a lot of sympathy . We have told a few about our difficulties and even less about the failed ivf. It’s hard to know if/when to say anything and I think people are a bit clueless about how to respond/support when there has been no actual loss but it leaves a huge hole all the same. Why don’t you save that bfp blog for when it works hopefully next time?. There was a useful link here recently for friends & families on what infertility feels like - could be worth sharing that with some close ones? Lots of love x

[oharal in reply to ClarabGlasgow]

That's the trouble, you could tell everyone and get sympathy but no actual support but they don't know how to support you when they have no idea. I am going to keep the blog and add to it during our next cycle and will keep writing onto it until it works. Thanks, I'll take a look. Hope you're okay. My inbox is always open xxx

[Lizzielizzielizzie in reply to oharal]

My friends have been amazing and sent flowers and gifts after a failed attempt and it does help. For me anyway. My family have been amazing and kept quiet and not asked too many questions. I’ve been so lucky with support. I wish this for you too xx

[vic77]

so am sorry for your loss..bfns are so painful. .sending hugs xxx

[Lizzielizzielizzie]

I think it’s much harder to keep it a secret, my Hubbie did not want to tell parents first time and so he didn’t want me to tel my parents either and it was terribly hard. Fast forward a couple of years, everyone knows (all my friends and colleagues knew anyway) and it’s much easier. In terms of telling people if it fails, I just tell them at the outset that if it works I’ll tell them at twelve weeks like a normal pregnancy and ask them not to ask unless I bring it up. We cope much better now it’s not a secret. MOST people are hugely sensitive as well, though my husband’s friends are much much less sensitive than mine (it’s always them who text ultrasound pics etc).

[oharal in reply to Lizzielizzielizzie]

We just can't decide what is better. It was fine during treatment keeping it a secret, my work know as do my partners. Everything is tough in this process - I might speak to my partner again and see what his views are. We have jointly agreed to take a much more relaxed approach this time! I guess if you ask them not to ask then it will be okay. Ahh sorry to hear about the donuts who don't think. Some people just really don't get it xxx

[Tugsgirl]

So sorry. It’s so hard. A bfn is tough, all the hopes and dreams we invest in our precious embies. Our first was absolutely perfect and hatching but failed. I had a triple lining. No one could tell us why.

If you can afford another cycle or have funding then please don’t give up yet. Good luck for that next time xx

[oharal in reply to Tugsgirl]

Thanks honey, oh that is really tough it's not fair is it. Luckily we have funding for another fresh so we will go for it but a bit more of a relaxed fashion xxx

[Lizzielizzielizzie in reply to oharal]

I’m so glad for you that you have funding for another go xx

[Anna00]

I’m so sorry😔 I really feel you. When mine faile which was my first cycle I felt it’s end of the world for me, I was heartbroken upset angry and I could do nothing,everyone in here told me I’ll be fine and only time can heal it. They were right! I’m still upset even sometimes cry about it but I’m fine,I decided to fight for my dream,and I’m sure you’ll be the same. Don’t give up make your body and mind more ready for next round I’m sure you'll get your BFP soon. We’re here for you 🤞🏻xx

[oharal in reply to Anna00]

Thank you for taking time to reply. A lovely message! It is very tough, some days I don't think about it and others it really gets me. We are going on holiday next Sunday for 2 weeks and then we get back ready to start again. I will put all my strength into achieving our dream, no matter how bumpy the road is. Hope you are well xxxx

[Anna00 in reply to oharal]

I’m exactly like you some days I feel good don’t think about it at all and other days totally opposite I’m upset and depress. It’s totally normal. I have counselling app this month, my dr told me lots of women get hidden depression trough this journey so it’s good to speak with someone professional to make sure you’re fine,they made me an app. You can ask your clinic to refer you but I’m sure you will be fine after your holiday.Just think you’re not the first person that going trough this journey and your not gonna be the last. Your dream will come true soon xxx

[oharal in reply to Anna00]

I have a counsellor at our client that is included within our treatment so if I still feel a bit down after then I'll pop in a see her. Good to hear you are taking an app, better out than in xxx

[Anna00 in reply to oharal]

Take a good care of yourself enjoye your holiday xxx

[gattonero]

my dear, let me hug you from San Francisco, we'll see the light sooner or later, be strong, we're here x

[oharal in reply to gattonero]

Thank you xxx