Hi everyone, I haven’t been here for some time after ceasing treatment..hubby and I have just tried to move on and recover/get our sanity back after years of ttc and IVF and we will be moving forward down the adoption route soon.
I’m just struggling at the moment and wanted to reach out to those I know will understand and can give advice. Last week we lost our beloved dog, we had to take the extremely difficult decision to put her to sleep because she was very old and suffering. We know it was the right decision for her, it would be very cruel to keep her going for us and we know how lucky we’ve been to have such a loving and loyal companion for so long, I just miss her so much 💔 she really was my best friend, there for all we’d been through over the years, always cheering us up with her big personality in a little body and because I work from home, always by my side. The house now feels quiet and empty and I think this loss has brought back previous losses and really highlighted the fact that we don’t have the life we’d dreamed off 😢
I’m also struggling with an issue with a friend..she had her second baby the day after we said goodbye to our pooch, and chose the same name as our dog. That’s not my issue though, they would have chosen it a while ago and of course they can call their child whatever they like. I just feel weird because we only saw her the week before, where we told them we thought it was almost time to end our pooches suffering and they didn’t say anything about names. I totally understand it would have been awkward for them but I would have much preferred they were just honest rather than us receiving this info in a text. I just wish they’d acknowledged it, said something like I’m so sorry if this upsets you but we’d chosen the name a while ago..am I being super unreasonable here?
There’s also an issue with this particular friend that we live about 15 miles from one another and because she already had one child, it was always me who travelled to see her. I’ve never really had an issue with this because I can be flexible because of my work situation and I was happy to get out of the house and have a break. The thing is now, I actually feel a bit resentful if she expects this to continue. Unfortunately I think she will because of course she has a brand new baby plus a older child she has to drop off & pick up from nursery. I’m also not sure I’m feeling strong enough to visit the baby just yet, the loss of our dog has left me feeling pretty raw and I just don’t know if I can face all the joy and use the name without breaking down. It will just become weird if I leave it too long though..any advice ladies? Sorry for the long post xx
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Georgina78
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oh my goodness, your story is heartbreaking. I have a dog and totally understand how you feel - they are like your right arm - the house never feels the same when they are not there and they are part of everything you do. I think you should be selfish, and take the time you need to heal and don't go rushing to see her because its the 'right thing to do'. Do what you need to do to get your head together. Unfortunately some people do seem to think that as soon as they have children, the world has to come to them - but the reality is that it should not be like that (in my humble opinion - once the intial settling in period is over of course). A child does not make you incapable of leaving the house - it sounds like a one sided friendship and if it was 2 sided, in time she would make the effort to see you, or at least try and meet you half way, at the very least. I personally think friendships need to be two sided to work - both people have to put effort in - not necessarily at the same time, but it needs to be felt by both people at some point, that their love and friendship is being reciprocated otherwise its a one way relationship that is unbalanced - and all good relationships need to be two sided. Sorry, that was a bit of a waffle - but i truly believe our actions should come from the heart, and if you are feeling resentful or frustrated, then you should not do things from that place because you'll only regret it later. It is ok to step back, if she is a true friend, she won't let you slip away, if she isn't.. then maybe its a friendship not worth holding on to.
Wishing you much love and peace dealing with your loss xxxxx
Thank you Laceygirl, you’re absolutely right about relationships being two sided..I think I just needed to hear that I wasn’t being unreasonable/selfish and that’s exactly how I’ve felt..that it would be the ‘right’ thing to do to just go and visit. I think I’ve created this situation myself by always being happy to go to her but you’re right, if she isn’t willing eventually then what kind of friendship was it anyway 😒 I think the issue has been that she always thinks of her older child, he wouldn’t like it there or he’ll be bored etc and while of course she should prioritise him, children will also adapt and generally be fine wherever they go. I personally don’t think it’s worth losing a friendship over but what do I know!
not at all, am here if you want to chat any more and rant or let off steam. I have many times done things because i thought it was the right thing to but my heart was not in it - and have only regretted it later. If you only act out of love and happiness, it can never be wrong. You are right, children will adapt, and we should not be slaves to them in their entireity - parents have to have a life to. I too would feel pretty devastated if someone name their child the same name as my dog around the time of his demise and didn't have the consideration to message me privately first - to me, that is quite thoughtless - and that, in itself, I would find quite hurtful. Thoughtfulness is NEVER wasted but always makes such a huge difference xxxx
Oh my gosh , you have been through a lot and you simply must put yourself first and if she is a real friend then she also needs to actually support you and make an effort to be there for you and that means coming over and not just expecting you do all the leg work, I’ve lost friends who think because they have children that women who don’t should always make the sacrifices and be available at the drop of a hat, and it’s just not fair.
I think you should take time and be good to your self and don’t feel forced to put your self in a situation which will cause you pain, hope you’re ok and sending love x
Thank you Myhope, you’re right. I think I just needed to hear it, I’ll still struggle with feeling guilty but I think I’ll stay away for now xx
I’m so sorry you lost a family member in your beloved dog, it’s totally heart breaking! 😢 you’re hurting and it’s so fresh! The last thing you need to be worrying about is seeing your friend especially as she had been a little insensitive. Send a card to welcome their baby but you need to look after yourself and take time to grieve and grow strong! If she really values the friendship she can come over for a visit when she’s ready but kids or not friendship is a 2 way street. Thinking of you and sending lots of love and strength xxx
Thanks Natalia, I did just that and sent a card today, she’s probably wondering why I haven’t mentioned wanting to meet baby but I am going to put myself first and if it’s not obvious to her that it’s not a great time for me then maybe she wasn’t such a great friend. Thank you xx
I’m so sorry to hear you had to let your wee dog go Georgina. Allow yourself the time to grieve the loss of your companion and the other feelings of loss her passing has brought to the surface again.
It’s also very difficult for you that you’re also having to deal with these issues with your friend at the same time. I think you need to put your own needs first. I’d find your situation incredibly hard too and to be honest, I wouldn’t be able to go and visit the new baby straight away. I hope your friend will be sensitive to your needs. Take care of yourself xx
Thank you Dunla, I have decided to stay away for now. I really hope she’s sensitive too but I’m not sure how that’s going to play out. Like you say I need to put myself first right now xx
I’m so sorry to read this and of your loss, I’ve got 2 dogs and they are literally my life so I can totally understand your heartache. I think your friends been quite unreasonable tbh, like you’ve said she could of mentioned about the name before hand. Also a friendship is 2 ways just because she thinks it’s easier for you to travel doesn’t mean you should always be the one to do so. Don’t be to hard on yourself, you’re still grieving xx
Thanks Hun, I know she was ready to go but I miss her so much, it’s the time every pet owner dreads isn’t it 😢
I wondered if I was just being unreasonable but I agree, that’s how I would have handled it, her not even acknowledging the name has really hurt. We’ll see how it goes from now on. Hope you’re ok xx
Sorry to hear about your dog. Totalling heart breaking to go through something like that. Our dog died on our kitchen floor just before Christmas and it is so difficult to deal with! Took us months to stop crying over her all the time. We tried to think of a few ways on how we could have keepsakes to remember her.
My husband said we were never getting another dog to go through that pain. Needless to say I now have a puppy!
Stay strong and just do what you feel is right for you to deal with your grief x
Thank you and I’m so sorry you went through it too, I am wondering when the tears will stop but of course it’s very early days yet 💔 I think we would definitely have another dog eventually because I adore them and can’t imagine life without one but we need to think carefully because we’re hoping to adopt and it would be awful if the dog wasn’t right for a child. Our hearts are certainly going to be empty for some time 😢 I hope life goes well with your new addition 🐾 xx
Aw hunny I can’t imagine what you’re going through, the thought of losing either of my boys breaks my heart as they are my life. The loss of your beautiful pooch will bring up so many other difficult emotions. I would say not to rush into any visits and just take some time out for yourself until your feeling a little stronger. Much love x x x
Thank you, it is devastating 💔 I can’t believe she’s not here and it has dredged up all that loss again. I think I’m also feeling lost at not having her to care for, it sucks. I’ve decided not to visit just yet, I feel selfish and I doubt my friend will understand as she’s not a animal person at all but I have to protect myself. Thanks xx
Don’t feel selfish hunny, unless people have been through IVF they truly have no understanding, you really need to be looking after yourself. Sadly nothing other than time will ease the pain of losing your fur baby , some people just don’t understand the loss of losing a dog but even the thought of it can bring me to tears so you take as long as you need x x
Thank you 😘 yes I guess I have to just give it time and look after myself. I always tend to put everyone’s feelings first and feel bad if I don’t but I’m not helping myself am I. Thanks for your understanding xx
Oh sweetie I’m devastated to hear you lost your precious fur baby dog. Truly awful . I’m so sorry for your loss & the pregnancy losses. I had a chemical pregnancy & on top of infertility really hurts that bit more. I don’t think we ever forget; don’t feel bad for feeling like that.
I have 2 dogs and they are literally my world; whatever I’m going through they always cheer me up with their little wagging tails and cuddles 😍 😍 so much part of your life I bet you feels empty.
As for your friend I agree with others I think you need to have time for yourself to grieve each loss; your precious loss of a wonderful fur baby, your precious pregnancies that were shattered dreams, the end of this journey in terms of infertility; not gaining a child.
I think if she’s a really good friend she will understand. And be there when you need her.
I really hope things start to get better for your and wish you the best for your future. I hope the adoption process goes well and you soon have your precious child that you’ve dreamed so much about ( maybe not in the way you had hoped) Family comes in all shapes and sizes. I truly think it’s a beautiful you are doing by giving a child a second chance in life ❤️❤️❤️ what a lovely person you are. And what a lucky child that gets to call you mummy ❤️❤️❤️ xoxo
Thanks so much for your lovely words Jess, I do feel empty, not having her to care for and her cheery little personality. The house feels so quiet and something is most definitely missing 😢
I hope she will understand but if not, what kind of friend was she..I personally don’t think you have to have or love dogs to grasp that it’s a huge loss for someone else so I hope she bears that in mind. Thank you, I hope you’re doing ok? I’ve not been on here for so long I’m totally out of the loop on where people are xx
hey hun I am so so sorry about your dog. it is so so sad. as a fellow dog owner I totally get what you are going through.. ozzy is my world and perhaps more so as he has constantly been by my side through all this hell..sending so much love and hugs as for your friend I agree with others. .prioritise yourself now you must do what protects you..I did after miscarriage and that meant not being around certain people for a bit..you do realise who your real friends are it is true and I have had some surprises both good and bad...brave move on adoption too. .we are thinking same perhaps..one frostie left xx
Thanks vic, it’s so good to know people understand because even those close, who knew how much we loved her, don’t really seem to grasp the sense of loss. She was my constant companion and now I just feel lost 😢 I just have to take comfort from the fact that it was the right thing for her.
I have decided to stay away from my friend for now, I’m not sure what will happen but I can’t worry about that right now. Hubby is glad I’m prioritising my own needs for once!
Adoption still scares me a little but it feels more right and positive than carrying on with any more treatment did. I hope your one little frostie does work but if not, there are options. Not how we hoped it’d go but that’s definitely life I’ve learnt. Lots of love and thanks for your reply xx
awww hun keep in touch for sure and only dog/pet folk know that pain and it truly is a member of the family..not an easy decision for you to make at all but sounds like the right one and she landed on all four paws with you for sure xxxx
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