I very rarely post but I really feel the value of being part of such a strong and educated community of fertility warriors. Tonight I’m sat here sobbing, and I’m sure I’m in one of those situations every one of you will relate to.
So my best friend had an unexpected positive pregnancy test back in October. Turned out to be a chemical. She bled literally the evening after taking the test. A repeat test a few days later was negative.
This past weekend she was late on again and took a test (clear blue...and we all know how insensitive they are) and it came back very positive, but then that night, like the previous time in October, she bled.
I met her this eve for a social distanced, outdoor coffee and catch up. She was convinced that history had repeated itself from October....but it didn’t add up to me (we all know more than we should about cycles and implantation and early pregnancy bleeding). She was still having pregnancy symptoms, but she didn’t see them as that. I bought her a test and said “this is for when you feel ready to know one way or the other”. She went home and to my surprise, she decided she did want to know and she took the test. It was a dye stealer.
This was not planned. She had been looking to start trying towards the end of this year, so the timing isn’t ideal, but she does want a baby.
I want for her whatever it is that will make her happy, but selfishly my heart today broke a little.
I know our friendship is going to change. I’ve been here before. It’s history repeating itself.
One of her other good friends is also pregnant, about 16 weeks ahead and it’s only natural their bond will strengthen over shared pregnancy experience, which I can’t relate.
After the baby is born life becomes, quite rightly about baby...and conversation and contact dwindle because I can’t go on play dates and to baby classes. It’s not that I love her less, or her me....it’s just that our lives will become so different.
My mum wrote me a message when I told her what was going on. The message said “stay positive” and I nearly catapulted my phone across the room....and I know you all understand why.
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sazzle2680
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Oh my goodness, when I read your last sentence I felt that pang for you. It’s so difficult and it really does make you wonder how much we can possibly take. You sound like a wonderful friend and very supportive. You are right that it can change friendships unfortunately, but i really do think that need only be temporary. You find your way back to each other if its right when things settle down. I have a good friend who recently announced her second pregnancy included with the whole ‘it was earlier than we planned’ which silently made me scream because hey, who could imagine being able when to fall pregnant the month you choose?! craziness!
sending you big hugs, hope tomorrow feels better x
Thanks Susie. Similarly to you I’ve a friend that got pregnant after I started on my fertility journey who is now about to pop with her second. She was great the first time she got pregnant. We went out for lunch and she talked to me about it before the wider announcement was made. She told me the how and where she was going to tell our wider group of friends and it gave me the opportunity to step out of that situation rather than being ambushed. The second time round, her husband announced it on a group chat with a scan picture. Within seconds I had several messages outside of the group chat checking that I’m alright (everyone is aware of my struggles). I’ve had to distance myself from her and her husband for self preservation reasons.
It’s not that we don’t see it coming, of course we do... for me it’s the reaction of other and the cooing over the news. They deserve that, it is good news and of course all of these wonderful things should be said, it’s just really hard to bury the pain and keep on smiling. I just want to be able to quietly step or hide away for that first little announcement bit.x
Oh yes to all of this. I think sometimes people just move on in their lives and ‘forget’ the need for sensitivity or something. The knowing it’s coming and knowing it’s going to hurt when it does is awful. Then it does and I feel proven right for worrying about it which is silly really. The worst part for me is when you first find out but they are keeping it quiet until the 12 week scan and you have to help them keep their wonderful little secret - it kills me! And it just makes me feel so far away from the same thing. Sending you big hugs. You are very much not alone in what feels like the most isolating experience ever xx
Ow, it’s so tough when our friends and loved ones are pregnant around us and we are struggling. I’ve been there a few times with very close friends and my sister. You want to be happy for them but your feelings of sadness for yourself and your situation I think can take over. And I’ve learned over time that that’s okay.
Does your friend know your own situation?
I was open with my family and close circle of friends from the moment I lost my first baby, and the ones who are pregnant also know that I’ve not had a smooth sailing journey through IVF and I’m still struggling to conceive. Because of that, I find that they’re much gentler with me and they understand why I need to sometimes take a step back from the friendship and why I may not always seem as engaged in their pregnancies as I definitely would have been had I not been in my situation.
It’s hard, it’s heartbreaking and it’s unfair when you’re trying so desperately to be pregnant and you know that others close to you have only had to blink to fall pregnant.
Whilst it has changed my relationship with both my friends and sister, it hasn’t changed how I feel about them. I still love them and care for them. And every so often I check in and let them know I’m thinking of them and I ask how they’re getting on.
It’s definitely been hardest with my little sister - her whole pregnancy was an accident and I think that’s hit home for me. It’s the elephant in the room and we don’t talk about it.. it makes it too real for me and I can’t seem to cope with it. It’s not the best way to handle it, but she knows I love her very much and often think of her - we send each other little gifts every so often as a way of holding on. It’s just as hard for her as it is for me. I also wrote her a letter (in the form of my blog..) and said that really appreciated that.
You have to set comfortable boundaries for yourself if you find it too difficult. I was fortunate that my friends understood without me having to tell them, and that takes the pressure off the friendship. They reassured me that no matter what, we will always be okay. It’s just a tough time right now. They know it doesn’t make me a bad person for not wanting to know everything about their pregnancy, they know it hurts me because I’m not there and have had a harder journey than they have. A strong friendship won’t collapse.. it may change slightly but it will be there if you both want it to be. You both just need to respect one another’s boundaries during a difficult time.
Ive waffled there, I’m sorry! A lot to say on the topic!
Thanks Xoxo, yeah she does know my situation and has been with me as I’ve struggled through these last 3 years, we’ve even talked about the possibility of this happening long before last night.
She was adamant she wanted to hold off on Pregnancy until after I got pregnant. I was honest and said to her that she can’t plan her family (or managed unplanned pregnancy) around me as I may never be able to get pregnant. I was honest and did say that if it happened and she did get pregnant before me, of course that would be super hard for me and it would hurt, but that’s not her fault nor a reason not to.
I think it’s my boundaries I’m scared of. I know from past experiences with close friends, I have stepped back and taken that space....but gosh! That’s a lonely place to be. I also know stepping back will upset her greatly and I wouldn’t ever want to deliberately hurt someone I care so much about. It’s just a raw set of conflicting emotions.x
What you are feeling is complete normal in the circumstances.
I imagined that I would have babies with my friends. They have had their 1st, then their 2nd. Their 2nds are now starting school. I’m still struggling on.
It did change our relationship. I have to be honest that was down to me. Me struggling to be around babies, not them losing any value or importance in our relationship. However I needed to do that for my well-being. But true friendships do stand the test.
Your feelings are valid, we have all felt the same I certainly have. I’m so relieved that my friends have stopped trying for more so I don’t have to feel the pain. It makes it easier. It is ok to have multiple positive and negative emotions and feel the frustration of why not me.
It sounds like dispute how hard it was today. You were their for your friend when they needed you.
Thanks Daffodils, I feel the similarities in our stories. I went through a first cycle of pregnancies with friends my own age, but then ended up closer to friends younger than me as their lives and lifestyles were more similar to mine and my friendships changed with my older group of friends. Like you say, there is no less love...it’s just our lives have diverged and we have less in common. One day that will change again, either with me finally getting pregnant or their children growing up.
It was great, the sense of relief, as you describe but I am now hitting that cycle for a second time where the younger friends are all getting pregnant, the older group are having baby 2 and 3 and the pain is creeping back again.
Hi there, I’m normally one to post or read rather than respond but this really resonated.
Over the past 8 or so years, I’ve watched my friends and more recently my younger sister go through many pregnancies. At first, I was always pleased but the longer my unexplained infertility went on, the harder it got (not that I’d tell anyone else that).
I would also get similar stupid / annoying comments from my mum!
My sister was the hardest, pregnant every time she looked at sperm, I found it rather amusing that she had terrible morning sickness!
Fortunately though, it hasn’t affected our bond as she’s still been well up for going out for meals etc. Yes, the family format is different, birthdays are focused around the kids now, but as a consequence of always being around, I have a niece and nephew who strangely seem to love it when I go over and a very close bond with my sister.
Yes, I’ve had to suck up my emotions, and you know the annoying thing about the mums comments, they’re right.
I’m now 40 and after 5 years of TTC, 3 failed IVF’s, and never have seen a positive pregnancy test that’s mine, I’m now 4.5 weeks pregnant.
It’s early days, but I still have my close network of friends around me who I’m desperate to tell and know I shouldn’t. You might find this friend actually wants to keep an element of consistency with her pre-baby life, and no doubt that will focus on you!
Ha, you are so right and so is my mum...I guess we are all in this situation where, for the first time in our lives our mums don’t know the comforting thing to say in this situation...because they’ve never been through these struggles themselves, so they tell us the truth.
I’m struggling with the harsh reality of the fact there is going to be a change in my friendship, probably of my own doing, out of necessity, despite not actually wanting to.
I have the fear of loneliness as she is currently my partner in crime! The person I see and speak to the most in life. We go on trips away and holidays together and just have that best friendship bond. I’m grieving for what I’m about to lose. I know holidays together for example will be a thing of the past for many years to come.xx
This is really great advice Olivia.... and big congratulations.
I think a lot of people will share sazzle2680 feelings.
I remember almost feeling betrayed when my best friend told me she was pregnant... but she made me godmother and I know I’m important in her and my godsons life.
Anyway your feelings are utterly normal and human and they will subside.
Awww that’s such a lovely thing your friend did hoping2021.
I completely get that feeling of betrayal and almost resentment.
I have to keep reminding myself that my friend is actually really scared about it all, and what’s going to happen next. The current circumstances in her life will not make it easy......she’s not running around with excitement.
I feel like I’m letting her down by taking time out to wallow in my self pity, but right now I’m no good to anyone.
Feelings are just so complex.
Hi Sazzle I completely understand your frustration. My friend and me have a different relationship, if she phones or I phone her she has the baby near her and you can't have a conversation without it being interrupted so I have stepped back. she has had two children each time I was starting a cycle she announced she was pregnant, my ivf is on hold because of covid, I'm now 40 and will probably be 41 starting my 3rd cycle completely understand your frustration, I scream into a pillow which helps, stay strong and focus on you ❤️x
The real value in this community is being able to speak with others who are experiencing the same things, which is comforting when no one else around you truly gets how you feel.
I must admit my pillow did suffer last night, from both my screams and my tears.xx
I can totally sympathise..... when a close friend told me she was pregnant I broke into tears. I was so happy for her, but I’d been trying for 2.5 years and she got pregnant a month after her wedding.... another time we went out for a family meal, we talked about a cousin who recently got married and my sister (who has 2 kids and knew we’d been struggling) said ‘oh I wonder how soon they’ll get broody and start popping out babies’. If it weren’t for my niece and nephew being there I would have thrown a plate at her and stormed out.....
It’s cruel. It’s awful. And no one who hasn’t been there understands.... they think they do - they try and sympathise - but they’ve got no idea. It’s a closed club.
Oh I know that feeling. After my last, and most traumatic, miscarriage my brother told me that there’s lots of children would be glad of being adopted by us. If he’s been stood in front of me I’d have punched him. Instead I shouted down the phone that maybe him and his wife should stop talking about a third baby and adopt one instead then, or is it only the infertile people that are responsible for that!! I think he understood where he went wrong with his well intentioned advice! Wallow in your sadness, cry and let yourself process it, it’s much healthier than trying to pretend the feelings aren’t there. Then when you feel like you can you’ll be able to be the supportive friend as usual (sounds like you’ve been super supportive already). Xx
Wow - you did well managing your brother. Well done! My sister has a really weird belief of how IVF works (she doesn’t understand that you don’t necessarily get pregnant every time you do a transfer and a single egg is not likely to be enough). She’s got two beautiful kids, so she doesn’t really have a need to educate herself of infertility.
I’m still sad and wallowing today. I look awful and have told everyone during my teams calls that I have hay fever.
Thanks for saying that. It feels like having permission helps 💗xx
If only it was simple enough that it just magically worked every time, imagine the heartache that would be spared. Not that you need it, but permission well and truly granted! x
Oh Sazzle, I could have written this post 😞 This was my exact situation a few months ago. FriendOne has a 1-year old and FriendTwo just gave birth a couple of weeks ago. I definitely feel like there has been some change in our friendships and I’ve already been excluded out of catch-ups they’ve planned in future with their little ones.
It is really tough. I went through quite a bad bout of anxiety and what I now recognise as depression for a few weeks. But my wonderful husband really supported and emotionally carried me during that time; I’m very lucky.
Once I felt better, I did start to overcompensate and throw myself into situations / scenarios I normally would not (ie a socially distanced baby shower, buying gifts for the baby, video-calls where FriendOne had her little boy on and FriendTwo was there stroking her then-pregnant bump). I did this just because I was so terrified of not feeling included in the friendship. But it’s already started to happen and of course it’s because they have a bit more in common now, both first time mums etc. It does sting but I have no choice but to suck it up.
I’m now also battling with my feelings re my younger sister who has dropped hints that she will be ttc very soon.
I wish I had pearls of wisdom or better advice but I just wanted to let you know, you’re not alone. Sending you big hugs x
Its great to her your husband was so so supportive. I guess that’s an added complication for me, I’m having IVF on my own (ovarian insufficiency and huge immunity issues - double donor and don’t want to be too old a mum -39 already).
The fear of loosing a key component of my support network fills me with anxiety and dread.
It’s interesting hearing you talk about the rebound over-compensation....I’ve never really thought about it, but now you say it, I recognise I probably do that too.xx
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