To cut a long story short, one month ago, I had one tube removed and I've been told the other is blocked and badly damaged, making me infertile beyond doubts. Today I was at the GP and I overheard a young lady saying to the nurse at the reception, with a super joyful voice, that she was pregnant, and I broke into tears, and, as such, I entered the GP room. The GP suggested a self-referral for accessing psychological therapies.
I am really not ready to listen to someone who will tell me that there is also life without children (I know), that I will get used to this (not sure I will ever get), and other similar bits.
Has anyone of you made use of such services? Any feedback?
My partner suggested trying and that it cannot do any harm, but listening to someone saying that there is also life without children and that I will get used to this does actually harm me, sending me in a deep state of despair (that is: why no one can understand that rationally I know all these things, but still, I am feeling sh*t?)
Thanks for your help!
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MofM
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So sorry you’ve had this devastating news. I’ve had counselling a couple of times on the NHS, both cognitive behavioural therapy, and psychotherapy. They do not really (in my experience) tell you to get on with life without children. In the case of CBT it shows you how to manage your emotions which are leading to your behaviours and to sort of re-program your mind - it’s about how you process the feelings. The psychotherapy was “talking” therapy and this helped me come to terms with my previous miscarriages and helped me see my feelings were expected, normal and above all allowed so that I could try to move on in my mind rather than try to block it out. I hope this helps. I really do think you should give it a try. I don’t think it can do any harm; if you don’t feel it’s helping you can stop, but you might just find it’s of benefit to you. Best of luck x
Hi WeeMrsH, thanks for sharing your experience. It was very helpful: now I am more confident that they will do something that may be helpful rather than something that may be useless or, even worse, will make me feel worse, plus I know I bit more on what to expect!
Glad to have helped. I hope you feel better soon x
My advice would be if you try a counsellor that you are not happy with then shop around.....there were a few at my clinic. One that suited me better than the others.
Hope you can deal with things in small steps as sometimes it is too much to look at the whole picture until you are ready.
Hi EB2001, thanks for your sharing your story. I am not sure whether the NHS will allow me to shop around in the clinic and the kind of services they will offer. I did the self-referral today and the options were phone consultation, online courses and one-to-one.
I’m not sure about nhs counselling but the private psychotherapist I saw focused on enhancing my natural coping strategies for what I was going through right then, rather than trying to placate me or make me feel positive about the future. She basically unpicked what strategies I had to get through each day (we all have them) and then helped me to focus on them to make them more powerful. Hopefully you will find a counsellor who is as good.
Hi Lizzie, thanks for your sharing your experience. I hope I would be lucky enough to get such a good and helpful counsellor, and I am glad that he/she was able to effectively help you!
Hi Rachel, thanks for your message. I am unfortunately strongly against surrogacy (for myself, I mean, if others feel comfortable they have 150% of my support), and not sure whether I will cope with IVF. I still have adoption as an option, however, I am not sure of ticking all the boxes.
Yes, to echo everyone’s responses, counsellors will not tell you how you should be feeling or to move on. They will help you to explore what’s happened/ing and your emotional responses. I had counselling and found it immensely helpful. Good luck xxx
I personally have had mixed experience! I initially had a counsellor via the gps and it wasn't good! Don't know if I was unlucky, but she actually made comments like 'you're putting to much pressure on yourself' and 'have you tried not trying and just having sex'. Don't think it helped me at all. I then had a specialised fertility counsellor through my clinic who was amazing. She normalised what I was feeling and explored how it was a grief reaction and never talked around the things you were worried about. I never tried cbt, which is more about managing the here and now but could be another approach to consider. If you can get a specialist fertility counsellor I would really recommend it as they have a lot more insight and understanding. If you can't, I would still say give it a go as could really help. Just feel empowered to change counsellor if needed to find the right fit for you xx
The first one I went to on the NHS said I needed to come to terms with the thought that I would never have a child! We hadn't even had 1 IVF session! Needless to say I asked for a different one next time around.....
This is what I don't want to listen. What a bag of cr*p! Glad you could get another one, and I hope I will be able to do the same if I am unlucky (it seems to me that all this "dealing with infertility" sum up just to luck, and I have never been particularly lucky )
Indeed, meeting a counsellor as the first one you got via GP referral is what scares me the most. It doesn't matter how less I stress and how much I try: I do not have tubes and this makes natural conception 100% impossible! However, I have gotten similar suggestions ('you're putting to much pressure on yourself' and 'have you tried not trying and just having sex') by others health professionals However, listening to this thing makes me absolutely mental
I guess I'll need someone like the second one counsellor you met! Were you referred by the NHS sub-fertility clinic or by the IVF clinic? Was he/she private?
In my self-referral I specified that this is a "fertility issue", I hope this will help me in finding the right counsellor
The counsellor was at an ivf clinic that did private and nhs treatment, and was free to book as many times as needed. Nice fertility guidelines do say fertility clinics should have a counsellor available in view of how stressful infertility is. Are you being referred for ivf? If you are, I would suggest contacting where you will receive treatment to see if this service is available. Think there will be a good chance they have a specialist counsellor and hopefully reduce the chance of you getting a bad one! Best wishes xx
I should be referred to IVF, but I will have a final answer on July 10th, when we will be meeting a consultant at our NHS sub-fertility clinics --hopefully to sign the paperwork for the NHS funding. Then, no idea of what will happen (again, more waiting and luck involved :()
But your suggestion is very good, and I will follow it!
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Fertility counselling
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