Other’s opinions: Was just messaging my... - Fertility Network UK

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Other’s opinions

Rivaligure
Rivaligure

Was just messaging my bff saying how I think my Mum thinks we are silly going for IVF.

Story is I fell pregnant in Sep 18 but had MMC. The month I fell was the only normal 28 day cycle I had with ov on day 14.

Not been able to get pregnant since and in April was prescribed Clomid to get the ovulation timing right and for a helping hand. 8 months of Clomid, releasing two eggs every cycle, nice thick lining, super strong sperm and no pregnancy resulted in AMH & FSH tests which came back low and high respectively.

We have been advised by a leading fertility expert to try IVF. He said that on Clomid I have around 8-9 follicles each month so thinks I will respond to ivf meds.

He also said that as we don’t know how rapidly my ovarian reserve is decreasing I should also freeze eggs for the future as he is pretty confident for baby 1 but baby 2 could be potentially tricky.

So I’m pleased we have a plan but obviously gutted that my eggs are running out quicker than they should be for my age.

My bff said that she agrees with mum, that as I know I can get pregnant I should wait longer - this really upset me - how much longer do you wait before you think it’s time for IVF. It’s been the worst 18 months of my life and I want to move on and do as much as I possibly can to give myself a chance to get pregnant.

Just don’t understand why others think it’s a bad decision - if I hadn’t got pregnant last year and had all the same tests with same results I don’t think they’d have this opinion :(

I need their support not to feel like they think I’m stupid.

17 Replies

I’m really sorry your BFF and mum weren’t supportive of your decision. I’m sure they care about you and want what’s best for you, but it isn’t their place to decide what that is or judge your decisions about making a family. It’s deeply personal and only you and your partner can know what’s right for you.

It’s much easier said than done, but try to let go of their opinions and focus on what you know in your heart is right for you. If you feel comfortable, perhaps it would help to share with them that you’ve made your decision and are hopeful they can be supportive, even if they disagree? This is a very difficult journey and all you really need right now is love and support from those who care about you.

I wish you the best of luck in your journey! X

Rivaligure
Rivaligure in reply to Foodie23

Thanks - just has good cry down the phone to another friend x

I think it’s because there’s so much ignorance surrounding infertility and the treatment. They probably don’t know any better. My Mum didn’t want me to start treatment because I was scared so she couldn’t understand why I was going to put myself through it. She’s been supportive since I started though. And my bff took me to a scan once and said ivf wouldn’t be for her. I asked her why and she said “Oh, we’d just think it wasn’t meant to be” easy for her to say when her baby was sleeping in the back of the car! She too has been much more supportive since I started treatment and thinks I’m really brave. I’m not of course, I’m just doing what I have to do to start my family. Hopefully once they see how serious you are and you have a plan in place they will rally around you xx

Rivaligure
Rivaligure in reply to Tugsgirl

Thanks 😘😘

It is so hard, almost impossible for someone who has not experienced this to really understand. I would ignore them and go straight for ivf. X

Rivaligure
Rivaligure in reply to Camillage

Odd thing is my friend was told in her 20’s that her egg reserves were probably too low for ivf.

Fast forward 8 years and she fell pregnant at same time as me last year with on off partner and also MC.

So I think she now thinks that even with low eggs there’s a chance (which of course there is) x

Camillage
Camillage in reply to Rivaligure

Of course there is however it's the exception rather than the rule. And as the years pass, the eggs decline and we get more and more desperate. She will only have started to experience what you have been through, and have no idea x

I think Tugsgirl has said it in one. There is a lot of ignorance surrounding infertility. A lot of people don't know a thing about it, and why would they if they've not been through it, or seen someone close do so. I myself had misconceptions about it before I went through it, i.e. It's something for old ladies. I was clueless!

You've just said you have had an awful 18 months, which I presume is having a negative impact on your mental health, happiness and relationships and now you are trying to make moves to improve on this. Be confident in your decision. And educate your mum and friend along the way.

You have your partners support and that's what's important. Wishing you luck on your journey.

I think maybe the people close to you are worried you are being rushed into things by your dr. Depending where you live, there are clinics who see ivf as something with good profit margins that they can sell. I wonder how old you are and whether you are paying for your treatment- these are probably all factors in your friends and family’s opinion. Also bear in mind that only around one in four ivf treatments actually works so they are possibly aware of this too. So even though it feels like ivf will speed things up, it may not. I’m not saying this to put you off though- I started my first ivf around 19 months after starting to try for a baby, by which time I was 36. I hadn’t had any miscarriages though. I was still glad I went for it even though that round difnt work.

Did you get any medical information about why you miscarried?

I’m 33 with AMH 4 and FSH 13 so out of range for my age but not horrendous- problem is we don’t know how rapidly the decline is progressing.

I’m waiting for my NHS referral but have been seeing a private consultant since April.

I had HyCoSy with Rehan Salim of Hammersmith hospital who recommended IVF but said we should find someone local (Hampshire) to make it easier for us so definitely not a money spinner.

The results of the miscarriage are also of concern, no abnormalities identified and the tissue type indicates there’s a high chance that there was something wrong with me as opposed to the embryo.

X

Will having a private round prevent you from having an nhs round later? Different ccgs have different rules. I was allowed up to two private rounds before having an nhs round under Northamptonshire’s rules. You sound like you already know that ivf is the best next step for you but I’m just asking in case you haven’t checked that.

Also what can they investigate further re the idea that there’s a problem with you rather than your miscarriage being caused by an embryo abnormality? It would be awful to get normal embryos through ivf and then lose them.

I wish you and your partner all the best for your ivf- I would be going for it too in your circumstances. Your bff and family just don’t understand I think.

I need to phone the local CCG to find out.

With the miscarriage thing, one of the first treatments I believe is progesterone which I was told is given to you as part of IVF but it might be that they give it to me for longer.

Thanks for your messages and kind words xx

Progesterone is indeed a treatment used for some women who have had miscarriages who have short luteal phases and you’re right this is given artificially during ivf because you don’t produce it naturally after egg collection like you do in a natural pregnancy.

Hi there, at the end of the day, you’ve got to go with your gut and do what is right for you.

No-one truly understands the whole ivf journey until they’ve experienced it. Wishing you lots of luck 💕 xx

Rivaligure
Rivaligure in reply to Lou7744

Thanks. Xx

I'm coming up to 35 and was 28 when i first started ttc. I have regrets not starting sooner but my husband wasn't ready when I first was. I think you've got to do what's right for you and your partner. Ultimately it's your lives and your decision. When I was told my amh was 3.0 (I've had 4 tests, all different), I was told that I would need ivf to conceive, that I was highly unlikely to conceive naturally but that it wasn't completely impossible for me to conceive naturally. There are woman out there that have conceived with much lower AMH. But I always knew that I wouldn't be one of the lucky ones and therefore I had to do something about it. It took over 2 years to go through the nhs process before being eligible for nhs ivf, i was declined it because of my low amh, which subsequently rose and then i qualified. The issue is, from the age of 35, that's when fertility starts to decline (I'm sure mine started years ago). You need to do what's best for you, as you are the one that's got to live with the decision. Hopefully your family and friends will eventually see how important this is to you. I hope you get support from your family and friends, you are going to need it. This journey is hard, life changing and brings out the best and worst in you. Sending you hugs and luck xx

Thanks xx

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