Dying inside and nowhere to turn

Today was my first and last appointment with the fertility clinic. My fiance of five years has suddenly decided he's too old and doesn't want any more children. It was a real kick in the teeth for me as he was the one who moved himself in, he was the one who proposed, he was the one who suggested I came off the pill to try, it's been detrimental to my health as I have severe endo. The past six months have not been fun as I've had major surgery and been quite ill. After my op referred to fertility clinic, I had my blood tests, they are all good and ovulating. I need to either have tube removed or opened up and consultant today was confident I had a high chance. Fiance was stalling for months on his sperm test, then said he didn't know if he was going to do one when I finally asked. He said I was holding a gun to his head about having a baby, I asked/tried to have sex with him twice since Feb. And mentioned in conversation who of our friends were having babies, which is pretty much everyone at the moment.

So I had to sit there in clinic and say he's effectively ended our relationship, as I don't want to give up my dream of a family. He didn't want to talk about any of it, it was too much hassle and he'd get angry. I feel so betrayed, the past five years has been a complete lie. I don't think he cared at all, and just said things to get his meals cooked and washing done! Feels like my whole life and future is over. I can't believe someone would be that cruel? What have I done that's so wrong? Is it wrong to want affection or to be touched by the man you're going to spend the rest of your life with. I can't even look at myself in a mirror without breaking down. I've been too frightened to tell my family the truth. I'm such a failure. I feel so damaged and unworthy that no one will ever want me again. Can't believe I was stupid enough to think someone could love me and I could finally achieve my dreams of my own little family! Never again will I open my heart to someone. This rubbish life isn't worth anything.

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  • Dear Squancy, I'm so sorry you're going through so much emotional pain, physical pain is hard enough when you've got severe endometriosis. I've also had severe endometriosis and I've been through 5 operations in the last 3years, the latest one to detach my kidney and remove my damaged tubes and unstick my uterus from my bowel. I've been suffering from secondary infertility for the last 8-9 years because of severe endometriosis. I've been married for 14 years and throughout all this, it's really taken a toll on my husband and my relationship with him. He is just coming out of depression which I think he's been suffering from for a long time. We've just gone through our second failed ivf cycle on top of which age is not on my side.

    We are just beginning to rekindle our relationship and marriage which looking back now, I think has been dead in the water for a long time, with the help of counselling and emotional support. The need to conceive again took over every aspect of our lives and just consumed me to the maximum. The presssure of trying for a baby when you've been /are going through ivf treatment is hard enough but when you are going through treatment for endometriosis as well, the toll it takes on your emotional health and well-being is huge and will affect both partners. It sounds to me like your fiance has issues which he needs to get out in the open and he needs outside emotional support. It won't be easy but is there anyway you can coax him into attending counselling sessions with you? If your clinic doesn't offer them then maybe your Gp could refer you. You may need to take a 'fertility' holiday to try and reset the button and concentrate on your relationship with

    your fiance for a short while. I really hope you come to some sort of resolution. It takes a strong person and a solid relationship to go through something that you guys are going through and I wish my husband and I had looked for outside support sooner. It would have saved a lot of heartache. You will get through this. Have faith.

    Take care xxx

  • Hiya

    I am so sorry that things have worked out this way for you. Everything else on top of infertility is just not fair. However I understand. When you look in the mirror it don't say you hate yourself tell yourself you love yourself and it's not your fault. Some of us have to overcome more trials in life than other and it's through no fault of our own, some will say it's bad luck.

    Don't let your fiancΓ© dictate whom you are or who you become. Take a break from IVF and try to talk and get yourselves back on track, rekindle what's been lost, perhaps a holiday just you two, no operations, no IVF, no baby talk just you two. Seek some counselling if you feel that you need a third party to make sense of it all.

    Good luck in your journey xx

  • Hello. First of all. You are not a failure. You have done nothing wrong. He does mean everything from the last five years. and maybe the shock of the tests for you apart from the endometriosis are fine. That he is the problem in this. And that's why he did not want to do the sperm test. Maybe seeing you in so much pain and having so many operations to has caused some of this. I would suggest that you both go for counselling. But for now not to talk about the baby stuff unless he brings it up. I know how hard that may be. But my hubby went through a stage last year of saying he did not want kids etc. and that was after a Year of us having Icsi. Because he believed it was his fault and hated seeing me having to inject etc. so I handled it by leaving treatment for a few months. Letting him have some space. And letting him talk when ready to. As he was just scared. I'm not saying any of this will work. But if you both want to stay together then it's worth a shot. we are stronger than ever now to. Really hope you both manage to sort things out. Xx

  • Hi squancy! I am not a great person to have an opinion on ur situation. As I myself am a severe endo candidate going through ivf. Just did my 4th cycle which was a success but miscarried it at 4weeks. Now waiting for my bets to go dow and have a bleed. But all I can say is my husband was very confident he didn't have any issue. But during this last cycle we were told his sperms r a bit a abnormal. Now aftee d failed cycle he was so devastated he didn't want to to continue and I told him I'm fine with whatever he decides. And I gave him his ow space. I kept on crying to myself. And after a couple of days he himself came up and said he felt we should not give uo hope and keep trying. So I guess what I'm trying to say here is me r different and they don't take things d way we women do. So give him some space and time and let him do d talking. And give urself some time to think about everything as well. We ladies here r in a very very difficult situation. And time here is of essence and healer both. Take care and keep ur chin up gurl.

  • This was really heartbreaking to read but I'm absolutely sure you can get through this because you've been through too much to give up on everything now. I'm not going to comment on the relationship because although i understand what the other ladies are saying and I know how much of a toll endo can put on a relationship, I think the way he has behaved and treated you is pretty horrendous and it sounds like you deserve better. But you have to love yourself and think about all the things you've overcome and achieved and try to remind yourself of those in order to move forward.

    I hope things start to improve and you can start to feel happy again but it's going to take time. Thank you for sharing your personal story with us and please post again to let us know how you're getting on. X

  • Thanks everyone, it's a real struggle today to try and cope at work. I think our relationship is over, he's not been interested in me in a long time. He won't talk about anything, won't face anything and buries his head in the sand. He says all the right things till it comes to crunch time. I'm sure he's very depressed, he shows a lot of signs but won't admit to anything. Refuses point blank to see a doctor about anything. He couldn't even say he would try and have a normal relationship if I gave up having a child. I'd understand more if we'd been trying for a long time, but all he's done is avoid me for a long time and not when it's time to do something. . We've not even talked about it much as he won't. All the promises he made. I do think I deserve better, but it's the fact of having to start all over again. I can't live my life in a loveless affectionless relationship. I miss my engagement ring too! I'm almost done with men!

    thank you everyone for your messages.

  • Hi Squancy, I am so sorry you have had that experience, it seems he has taken you for a ride with his stuff. It feels rubbish right now but it's not about you. It's not your fault. One day you will look back and see how much you learnt and grew through this but right now it's OK to feel this crap, it will pass. What you are feeling now is what you think of yourself and thinking changes, by the very nature of thought it comes and goes, even if you wanted to hold on to it for ever. So, I know it is hard to believe there are better times to come.

    You are making his behaviour about you. That's natural, but it doesn't make it true.

    We are born as a diamond, perfect and unique. Then things happen in life. We start to think our well-being is dependant on what parents or teachers or friends think of us. We start to think our well-being is dependant on our behaviour or what we do. It is like horse manure gets thrown at the diamond. And sometimes it sticks. And before we know it, all we see is a pile of horse manure. And we don't like what we see. We are worried what people might think of us. We work really hard to polish the pile of horse manure, to give it a shine, giving an impression that we are OK. It is like putting a layer of nail polish around the pile of horse manure. Some people experience this as a mask to project an image of being OK but within we think we're the horse manure.

    However, all along we have forgotten we are actually that diamond. We think we're the horse manure. However, it's not who we are. It's your thinking believing your sense of OKness is dependant on what people think of you, or demonstrating your value/OKness in some way.

    It feels really crap right now, but hang in there, you will begin to see glimpses of your diamond again and gradually you may realise it's not your fault and you are worth so much better.

    You may want to consider speaking to someone to help you not just bounce back but come back even stronger and wiser. Don't suffer alone, you don't need to and you are worth more than that.

    You may want to see this webinar I did for INUK about what I learnt on our 10 year journey, and it was all about how my thinking kept me stuck in a pit of sadness and hoplessness:

    x

  • Hello Squancy, I am sorry you're going through such a hard time. I obviously don't know your relationship but I do know that coping with fertility issues has been tough on my relationship with my husband. Now we are closer than ever but there were times when we both wondered if we would survive this.

    I went to see a counsellor a few months ago. I found it an enormous help. It might be worth doing some counselling with your fiancΓ© before either of you make any big decisions. If your fiancΓ© doesn't want to go I would still recommend going alone. After my sessions I feel a lot calmer, more relaxed and less angry about everything. I also feel like I have improved clarity of thought so I can make better decisions.

    I also bought my hubby a great book on Amazon called "What to Expect When She's Not Expecting". It is written by a man and is about the infertility journey he had with his wife. It's easy to read and it is pretty funny in places too. My husband found it a huge help.

    Dont underestimate how tough this is on both of you.

    Be kind to yourself and take care x x x

  • Hi Squancy. I'm so sorry what happen to u.... I'm with my hubby from last almost 11 years. I always knew in my life that the only thing I want is to have a baby's ...husband who love me and place to be called home. That always was my dream. Beginning of ours relationship he was the first one to ask if I want to have a kids. I take my moment to answer....I was only 23 years old ... And when I say yes ...but scared for my body to change... I remember like that was 2day ....when he say : I'm going to love u even more for every single stretch mark " ... Years was passing when I feel ready to have kids he sadly was changing conversation, he didn't even want to talk about , he was angry with me and argue with my saying that he don't want to talk about it. That situation start "killing " me from inside. I was upset ,sad thinking the wors ...that he maybe don't want to have a kids. We have ups and downs like every relationship have but the way he was about having family start terrified me. I was scared that we will never have a kids even my friend say many times ..." U never gonna have kids with him because he don't want to".... I felt like my hole world collapse...I got no more reason to live for .... Because he is the only one I chose to be with for the rest of my life ... Around 6 or 7 years ago when we open own business I thought that I'm going to bring that conversation again.... I did once but answer was the same πŸ˜” then I say to my self this is not good time now we need to concentrate on our future business... I left for few years. I never ask him in that time ...I keep sadness for my self ... Seeing different people, Woman pregnant, little new born ...I keep that sadness for my self ... Saying nothing I can do I cannot force him and I don't want to upset him either.... I change the way I was thinking and try to deal with reality of never have a kids πŸ˜”πŸ˜” It was heart breaking point in my life . Then sadly something change in him ... One of the evening was the first time that "he "... Done different... I thought that I'm dreaming, that this is not happening... I didn't ask , I was to happy and scared that he my change his mind. First month of unsuccessful trying I sow him being sad that nothing happen . We was still trying ...nothing . I was scared every month when I sow my perio come . I had moment that I start crying saying "I don't want anymore "...πŸ˜₯ Then we decided to go to GP. She referred us to the clinic. We special me went thru so many test . Long waiting appointments from one to another... I only had 3 good news , one that my hormones level is good , that I'm ovulating every month, and my womb is good . But that wasn't everything... I had scan , they say I need Laparoscopy. I had that . From laparoscopy they say I need another scan to make sure double before will go more further . Doctor told me look like I got both Fallopian tube block. They told me that they will do best they can to safe them but it may be possibility of removing left one. I had operations in December . They finally decided to remove right one and they open and repair left one. I didn't see my hubby so happy when doctor told him that we can try naturally. We was for 3months . He want to wait bit longer but I couldn't special knowing that my sis in low 23 years old is pregnant just like that . We went thru IVF cycle start in March. I was happy and scare the same time . But in that time I was dealing with family issues.., argu and problems with his brother... Every day I was effect by that issue I had with him... Not only that my hubby try to deal with that to being angry day after day which effect me so much . I felt like I got 3x a day regular med stress. One moment I was crying one moment I didn't know if world is going to end for me . My husband wasn't supported at all , he always was angry ,snapping for no reason. I felt like I'm in this all alone... Like he don't care anymore πŸ˜”πŸ˜”πŸ˜” When we went for eggs collection... He even then was angry not talking to me ... In one moment I thought what if he change his mind ... They collect 11 eggs , fertilise 5 and then we drop to 4 . In that 5days waiting for transfer I was in stress how all this think will go ...he change bit he start to be nicer. On transfer day he didn't go with me ...he need to pick up his dad from airport... I didn't mind because we don't want anyone to know and start asking questions. They transfer 5day blastocyst and embryo. I was so happy . He was rushing to come to me .,, we both was so extremely happy. We change , he could move mountains for me if he could.., I never felt so special and over the moon like in that 10 days . When day come to do the test he was at work ... I done two ...both of them negative. I call him but I couldn't stop crying. My world collapse...what reason I got now to Live ... All this years 2gother all this arguments , luck of hope for having a kids .,,, we ...I never being that far ... And in that point I felt like I call this maybe to soon .., my babies or babie πŸ˜”πŸ˜”πŸ˜” He felt like his dreams to become dad when for nothing ... Like there is no more life after. We was devastate ... He ask many time that not right r u sure this test is right ... Since then he was calling me many time when he was at work to check how I feel if I'm ok . I couldn't and now I'm even worse to deal with that . I want to scream "why why me "... What I done in this life to deserve that .... I just want someone to love and someone to love me back. The family issues is getting worse now... This is above me ..this all take me chance of becoming a mom and him dad ... This all situation ruined my life ... And I don't know what to expect more... 2day ok 2morrow I don't have a reason to live ... Last night I couldn't sleep... I was sick from stress what I go thru now feeling like they all r against me ... My husband is the only family I got ...if I don't have him my live is worth noting... I cannot eat just thinking of it make me sick , and he didn't even call me once since he left to work ...even after all I say that I just want to die.... πŸ˜”πŸ˜” No life in me at all πŸ˜”πŸ˜”πŸ˜”

  • I'm sorry for what you are going through. Sounds like you both need to talk honestly and openly without arguments and he is sad for himself and for you but doesn't know how to deal with it. He has made it this far, mine wouldn't even get a sperm test done or accompany me to any appointments stating work, in a rubbish mail centre was far more important! You should take some time out together and grieve together. From your message, I'm sure you can get through it together. Communication is key. We didn't have that, I tried, he would say he was watching TV!

    I hope things look brighter for you soon. X

    I want to thank all of you for your messages. I had to keep disappearing today at work to have a cry while I read them all. I was close to hyperventilating several times today with the enormity of what's happened and I can't change it. It's all I can do to get through a day, commute home and as soon as I get home, I sob and sob. My heart is permanently broken and I hate him for what he's done to me. I'll trust no one for a very long time if at all.

  • Please don't feel the way u do. You are worth so much more. This is his loss and not ur own. There r so many options out there for you where you don't need a man to do this. Trust me I know. I'm sending you big hugs and will keep you in my thoughts xxx I know how's feel sort of cos my treatment failed xx but remember it's not a bad life....just a bad day xx

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