Today was my first and last appointment with the fertility clinic. My fiance of five years has suddenly decided he's too old and doesn't want any more children. It was a real kick in the teeth for me as he was the one who moved himself in, he was the one who proposed, he was the one who suggested I came off the pill to try, it's been detrimental to my health as I have severe endo. The past six months have not been fun as I've had major surgery and been quite ill. After my op referred to fertility clinic, I had my blood tests, they are all good and ovulating. I need to either have tube removed or opened up and consultant today was confident I had a high chance. Fiance was stalling for months on his sperm test, then said he didn't know if he was going to do one when I finally asked. He said I was holding a gun to his head about having a baby, I asked/tried to have sex with him twice since Feb. And mentioned in conversation who of our friends were having babies, which is pretty much everyone at the moment.
So I had to sit there in clinic and say he's effectively ended our relationship, as I don't want to give up my dream of a family. He didn't want to talk about any of it, it was too much hassle and he'd get angry. I feel so betrayed, the past five years has been a complete lie. I don't think he cared at all, and just said things to get his meals cooked and washing done! Feels like my whole life and future is over. I can't believe someone would be that cruel? What have I done that's so wrong? Is it wrong to want affection or to be touched by the man you're going to spend the rest of your life with. I can't even look at myself in a mirror without breaking down. I've been too frightened to tell my family the truth. I'm such a failure. I feel so damaged and unworthy that no one will ever want me again. Can't believe I was stupid enough to think someone could love me and I could finally achieve my dreams of my own little family! Never again will I open my heart to someone. This rubbish life isn't worth anything.