Fertility Network UK
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Just a 2 minute rant 😡

I am trying to control myself from saying some very ugly words right now. So my very close friend decided last month to start trying for a baby with her boyfriend of 6 months. Today she sends me a message saying “oh now I know EXACTLY how you feel, I just got my period”. I know I am probably being over sensative as AF is about to arrive and my Dad is really very ill and I am super stressed but this message sent me into a fit of rage! I replied saying “No, you have no clue how I feel. I have felt that disappointment for 6 YEARS!!!! I have been through 3 failed IVF’s, needles stuck into to my belly, laporoscopies, hysteroscopies, my lady bits permanently exposed to the world, massive medical bills, endless tears and heartache. Someone that has been trying for 1 months has absolutely NO clue!!!!!”. Needless to say I am being ignored now 🤦🏻‍♀️. I guess only us going through this will understand, this comment has just confirmed that no one else understands or ever will understand the emotional, physical, mental and Financial journey of IVF or years of trying to conceive....

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Good on you.... i dont blame.... god damn cheeek, i would have felt the same way and good on you for speaking how u feel.... shel probably message back and say sorry soon ( i hope) xx

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I know I need to forgive people for their ignorance but somedays I just cant deal. This journey is hard enough. Lets see if she messages tomorrow, I would hate to loose our friendship over this but she needs to understand the depth of what we have been through. Thanks for your message Hun xxx

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People can be so insensitive, I have a friend who's had two kids, when she was ttc her second she said she knew what it was like for me cos she's been trying for 3months at this point I'd been ttc for three years, people have no idea, makes you so when people act like this.

Hope you're ok and your friend sees sense and apologies xx

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They obviously just have no clue on how hard this really is for us...

I will give it some time for the dust to settle and I will message her again and chat about it.

Thanks for your message 😘

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Completely understand how you feel. I can’t stand it when my friends say now your having a break from it you never know it may happen now stop stressing. Yes it may but I seriously doubt it when we had a male factor to start with but after 3 failed cycles it may be me too now. I just cut the conversation short now and move on. Hope your ok and your friend soon realises how insensitive she has been xx

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Oh Yes Katrina I have had that line thrown at me so many time too. You right, I have come to the conclusion that its best to cut that topic of conversation very short because they just have no idea. I am so sorry you have to go through this and yes after 3 failed cycles you do hit panic stage where you start wondering if it could be a million other things. Its such a cruel journey. Sending you positive vibes xxxx

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👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Well done. Don’t feel guilty. That friend will know eventually that it wasn’t the wisest thing in the world to say. Big hugs. You’ll get there xx

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Thanks so much Mrs Emu! And your posts still make me laugh everyday!! Congrats on your little growing Bean 💗

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Well done you!! Unfortunately nobody will understand what we go through....not that I'd wish that on anybody else but good for you for speaking your mind! Sounds like she's had a goodckick up the backside and hopefully she'll realise what a callous friend she has been!!xx

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Yeah well hopefully her being so quiet is just due to my message giving her alot to think about. Of course I still love her dearly but I do think she needed a kick up the backside (as you put it 🤣).

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Totally agree with you. Noone fully gets it unless you have been through it yourself. You realise how people really are on this journey. Dont give up. You will get there x

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Thanks so much Hun, yes heres crossing fingers that all of us on this journey will get the end result that we all deserve 🤞💫

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Yeah well hopefully her being so quiet is just due to my message giving her alot to think about. Of course I still love her dearly but I do think she needed a kick up the backside (as you put it 🤣).

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What a shit thing to say!!! Even if you hadn't have gone through ivf, to turn around and say after a month that she knows what you're going through.. It's like she's trying to relate or she's wanting some attention! Or she really just didn't think that what she said was stupid! Hopefully she will realise that she was wrong to say that, if not, then.....!!!! I HAD a friend who said she knew what I was going through (she'd never had an issue to conceive) and she also told me that she didn't think I was trying hard enough and obviously didn't want it that much. Notice how I said I HAD a friend lol. Sorry your friend made me angry lol I hope you work it out xx

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Unbelievable! People really just shock me more each day. If you know someone (someone you supposed to care about mind you) is going through a hard time, why would you say things to hurt them even more! We really do need patience of saints to get theough this journey and still to have to deal with these people that have no clue. Sending you big hugs xxxx

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She often would say things that would be hurtful and thought it was OK, but anyone dare upset her and you knew about it lol That toxic friendship ended 4 years ago and although it was sad, in some ways it was a relief. She just made me feel awful all the time!! Xx

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Sometime you just need to free yourself of that negative energy. This is hard enough and we dont need to be punished more from the people that are supposed to care about us.

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Exactly!! At least nobody here will say such knobby things to you lol. We actually understand 😘 xx

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Thats why I Love this group so much! We all in the same boat and we all understand each others heartache xx

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😘

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That is so insensitive!!!!

Don't blame you for being mad especially if she knows your history.

That would annoy me too.

Xxx

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Yeah she is one of the very few people that has known my journey from the beginning. Sometimes you wonder if people even listen or if they just live in the clouds. As my husband says “just smile and wave” but today im not having a “smile and wave” kinda day, tomorrow will be better xxxx

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Ya you know every day is not a smile and wave day and maybe if you make it clear she might start to realise she has no clue what you have been through.

I have told 1 and only friend about our journey and so happy I haven't shared with any others.

I would have serious rage same as you.

I remember when I was single for a good while after I broke up with my ex. People used to say the most offensive things to me! I just told one friend to f*** off. Not my finest hour - but she was just being mean, I don't regret it! 😅

Xxx

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I LOVE your response. It absolutely needed to be said. I’m glad you gave her a reality check ✅ xx

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Thanks Tugsgirl, I just really needed to get that off my chest. I know if I didnt set her straight it would have bothered me for a long time. I hope you are doing good xxx

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I’m fine thanks. Nothing better than a rant. We all need one! xx

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For sure, we feel alot lighter once its off our chest! And nice that we have somewhere to rant with people that actually understand. Sending you hugs xxx

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Oh bless you....what a bloody ditzy moment your friend had! Super insensitive...well done you for putting her straight. I hope she comes to her senses and puts this right.

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Thanks Hun, I really hope so too xxx

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nobody truly understands but us..I think sadly we all have a friend like this 😢I have lost friendships through this as my tolerance now very low xx

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Yes vic77 I can also feel my tolerence levels are hanging by a thread. I try very hard most days but some days my mouth just doesnt allow me to be quiet.

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I know that feeling...my step mother in law remains in the huff with me for a comment she made that I replied badly too over 2 years ago!!! I need to learn to keep mouth shut..so hard sometimes xx

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Oh no her response was insensitive. I wonder if she'd change her tone if it ended up taking her years of trying and not getting anywhere? People sometimes just dont think before they speak its all about them. I used to get "so are you having another one?" Or "just relax it will happen", no clue as though its an easy fix, ive also had my best mate not able to tell me shes expecting and just put it straight on facebook. Damn social media lol! You did the right thing. There needs to be more educating on this. Documentaries on tv etc. Prople have no clue!! Maybe she will realise after a few days what she said and apologise to you xxx

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The very few friends I have told about Our journey, I asked them to watch “ vegas baby” to give them a better understanding of what we going through. Of course had she of watched it I dont think she would have passed a comment like this.

Yes some of those comments make me wonder if people think we can just go into the local green grocer and pick a baby off the shelf. 🙄

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JCJM you have more courage than I and I salute you!! The dust will settle and if she’s a good friend she’ll see the light and you’ll reconnect in a better way than before as she’ll have more understanding. Xx

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Thank You so much. I felt a bit bad for snapping at her but sometimes we need to just protect our hearts and the only way for some people to understand is by spelling it out and drawing a picture for them. I am sure the dust will settle soon xxx

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Well hopefully you made her stop and think but until they have had the full struggle people do seem to be blissfully unaware good luck with your own journey hope your dream comes true soon x

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Thank You so much and sending you lots of positive vibes too xxx

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What a fab reply to an extremely insensitive comment. How could she possibly understand how you feel?! Xx

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Thanks Hun, I guess along with this journey we also need the patience of a saint.

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Good for you! You’ve not said anything that isn’t true, and sometimes people need a good kick up the arse! Xx

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Thank you and yes some people do need a kick up the butt!

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Hi Hun

I think your feelings are completely justified and your friends message was ridiculous. Maybe she was trying to connect with you in some way but her message was completely misjudged. I have come to accept that nobody can really understand how it feels and no matter how much I try to explain friends and family just can’t get it. I’ve even had my mum say things like “this is the path god wants for you”. But this is why we have this forum. Best of luck Hun. I understand. Xxxxx

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Thanks so much, yes we need to accept that people will never understand. Thank goodness for this forum xxxx

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What a stupid thing for your friend to say. Some ppl are so insensitive and thank god for this forum for rants . Someone said to my daughter that if you can’t have children naturally you shouldn’t have them at all . You could literally punch ppl at times xxxxx

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And people that dont know how to use their tongues wisely shouldnt be given one at all! How rude of that person to say that 😡. How dare she actually. But then again her words mean nothing because there your daughter is happily pregnant 👌

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We’ve lost friends over this, our choosing not theirs. We would rather not have them in our lives tbh xxx

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Sorry to jump in, but my brother in law said that to me once, and it was the universes way of saying my husband and I are meant to be parents!! Easy when he never wanted children and then they just fell by accident!! People are morons!

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So aren’t meant to be parents!!!

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That’s so horrible. What’s is wrong with them. Their mouths work before their brains I’m sure xxx

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Yep! I think I explained to him what a ridiculous human he was!

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Brilliant. You go gal xxx

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I actually have no words!! People are so hurtful and lack compassion and intelligence!

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Can I jump in? Nobody has ever said that to me (thank goodness for them because I'd punch them in the nose if they did), but I've read it a lot on any fertility related articles. Anyeay, my argument to that point is there are plenty of people on this earth who have children that really shouldn't for various reasons; what about the poor children who are abused or neglected? Surely nature can't be saying those people are 'fit' to be parents?! Survival of fittest? No, it's shit luck!

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Oh yes you are so right 👌.

I often cant help myself but wonder why people who are shitty parents are always so fertile 🤦🏻‍♀️

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Fair play to you. People don't understand and they also sometimes don't want to understand. Some of them will try and completely miss the mark but at least the thoughts there but others just astonish you with their ignorance. I would just leave her to it for a bit, eventually she'll realise that she's hurt you and she needs to apologise for that. Keep your head up x

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Thanks so much, I am feeling calmer today so I will leave her for a few days and let the dust settle and then I will contact her and chat about it.

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I think sometimes people think they understand but they don’t . Sometimes people dont think about what they are saying and it doesn’t register to them that what they could be saying could be possibly the wrong or inappropriate thing to say .

When you next speak to your friend maybe explain it so they can try to understand . Xx

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yeah I will wait for the dust to settle and I will give her a call in a few days and talk it over and help her understand if she doesnt even after my message.

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My mother in law used to make the most inappropriate comments at the time telling me everything will be ok .. it wound me up every time . People just don’t think xx

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👏🏼 100% agree with your reply to her! People just don’t think before the day things at all. Or maybe she did think and genuinely believes that 1 month of trying is as bad as it gets. If it’s the later I hope your reply brought her down to earth with a bang!

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Well I still havent heard back from her so either she really thinks she hasnt said anything wrong or my message has got her really thinking....

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This makes me so mad!!! People do not have a clue. My auntie said to me recently that if I ever got pregnant (after 10 years of trying and two failed embryo transfers!) she hoped I didn’t carry as badly as her daughter did! Her daughter got pregnant within a few months of trying and other than the usual pregnancy symptoms and giving birth to a healthy baby boy a few weeks early was absolutely fine!! I lost the plot too and said I couldn’t care less if I had the worst pregnancy in the world as long as I was pregnant!!! Xxx

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🤦🏻‍♀️ Obviously they dont realise how incredibly lucky/blessed they actually are. And here we are going through hell and willing to go through almost anything just so we can have that end result.

I am sending you lots of positive vibes, may this be the year that your dreams turn to reality xxx

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I probably would have sent a similar message back. She will get over it.

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Well done you!!! Some people really have no idea!! I’m sure (hope)she will have thought about what you said and try make things right! Xx

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