I'm not sure what I'm trying to achieve here but I guess I feel a little bit like no one around me understands. I don't know anyone who is in a similar position to me as most of my friends either have amazing careers or children or both. I've been trying to conceive for 4 years and have had three cycles of ICSI and very recently miscarried my first pregnancy (twins). We're continuing our IVF journey and I'm not at a point where I want to give up but I feel like my whole life is on hold and it's stressing me out. I run my own business but it's not flourishing and there are times where I want to throw the towel in on it and get a "proper" job. My partner has an amazing career and is very supportive of me financially but I just have this fear of running out of time and not having a baby or a career and not knowing quite what to do with myself. I don't even think getting a full-time job right now is realistic or even fair to a future employer. Nor do I know what I'd even do but it annoys me that I don't know if this is going to pan out. My current situation is perfect if I manage to have children. I also find that when I'm doing IVF I find it really hard to focus on anything else and find having to self-motivate is particularly hard during cycles. I get frustrated at myself because I feel like I should be more motivated towards making money and having a career but also think that given I've been through quite a lot (my mum passed away a few years ago and was my primary cheerleader) it's understandble in a way to be how I am. I wondered if anyone related and whether anyone here has successfully navigated these feelings??
A bit of a rant- does anyone relate?? - Fertility Network UK
A bit of a rant- does anyone relate??
I’m sorry for what you are going through. I feel the same in so many ways- it feels like my life has been “on hold” for the last two years. My partner and I made a determined effort not to live just for IVF, but at the back of my mind every plan I make I am thinking “I will be pregnant by then” or “that would work best around the baby”. I find it hard to socialise with friends. The ones who have children seem in too different a place from me, and the ones who don’t want children I don’t fit in with either. When people ask what I’ve been up to/ how was my summer etc all I’ve really done is IVF treatments and I can’t think what to say. I’m trying my best to focus on other things like my job or hobbies but I can’t make myself care about them. This journey is just completely consuming. I sometimes wonder if the only way to get out of this obsession is to actually completely give up on having children… but like you I’m not ready to do this yet. I’m sorry this is not really advice, but just to say I completely understand and I think it’s just really really hard ❤️🩹
I relate to everything you’ve said here! I just can’t at the minute care about things that I feel it would be helpful to care about and I also make an effort not to let the ivf take over entirely but it’s really difficult when you’re actively doing it. I also feel increasingly like distancing myself from certain friends, I almost feel like my situation makes them uncomfortable. I’m meant to be going to a baby shower in January for a friends 3rd unplanned baby and it’s the last thing I want to do. When I got pregnant I actually thought “I’m not having a baby shower, I don’t want to upset anyone who wants to but hasn’t conceived” I also didn’t want a baby on board badge as I felt really worried about looking like I was bragging and upsetting other women. This whole thing has put me in such a weird headspace. I agree with you, I think if I quit I would then maybe be able to move forward and might feel a sense of relief but I’m really not ready to quit yet xx
I feel the same- my close friends just don’t know what to say and often say things that actively make me feel worse (such as you have to stay positive or your body feels it and it won’t work- as though it’s my own fault I can’t get pregnant!). I know it comes from a place of caring and wanting me to be happy but I often feel so lonely in what I’m going through. This support group does help- a whole group of people who know exactly how I feel! Financially we have to take a break from trying now - so I’m going to try my hardest to enjoy the things I used to again and stop being consumed with this one goal. It’s so hard, as I also feel like I’m running out of time (I’m 43). But I am telling myself life is long and a few months off will help my mental health and that can’t be a bad thing…
I had a friend who told me that maybe I was stressed and needed to think positively. I wasn’t in the least bit stressed or negative at the time. In fact I was very sure my twins would be fine even when a sonographer told me she was pessimistic about the size of them at my first scan, so now I think that whilst having a positive outlook is good for your stress levels which is good for your health in general and can have a knock on effect, I also think very stressed unhealthy people get pregnant all the time and positivity can’t change everything. If you could manifest something like a baby I would have done it in my last cycle because I was in such a good mental space. It’s such an unhelpful statement because it’s like they’re blaming us for something out of our control. I was sat there thinking “it’s not even me that’s infertile!! I can hardly change my partners sperm count with a bit of manifestation you silly sod. Or turn a chromosomally abnormal embryo normal with the power of meditation” 😂. Hopefully your time off will help you to reset and whilst I’m no expert I don’t think a few months will make a difference xx
I am so sorry to hear about your twins. I know how devastating it is. I've just lots twins myself at the end of August plus 2 previous miscarriages. I am constantly off work sick due to this and all the appointments for IVF. I am with a clinic abroad too so it is such a huge time commitment. I totally identify with what your saying and how your feeling. I am only managing a 3 hour shift when I am working. I have a complicated bladder problem too so it's very hard to stay well and all this treatment and miscarriages really flare up my health problem. I totally understand the limbo feeling career wise etc. I am 42 and only have a small amount of time. I try to think about my life being on hold as a temporary thing. Financially I'll be working well over the retirement age now with all this fertility treatment!!! So I am trying to see that I have plenty of time for career and its not going anywhere. I often feel useless though as I am not achieving what I want to. I also feel like no one understands and they say unhelpful things. I have no family support on my side. I am still hopeful that I can get success with a new donor egg round in Feb. I am having advanced miscarriage tests and biopsies next week in the Czech Republic. I try to look at the limbo/constant rounds etc as one step closer and we learn more each time. I know how hard it is though to keep motivated with everything. I never know what to say when people ask me how i am or what I've been doing!! I am sorry to hear about your mum. 🩷Maybe some counselling or hypnotherapy would help. I am having both. I find hypnotherapy so helpful and it's given me the courage to try again after miscarriages. Sending you hugs and lots of positive energy and luck for your next steps with your fertility journey xxx
Thanks for getting back to me with such a detailed response. What you’re going through sounds even more intense. I can’t wrap my head around how people manage to juggle ivf and also their careers. It’s interesting that you mention hypnotherapy as my mum had that when she was unwell and it really helped her manage her anxiety. I’ve had therapy but didn’t find it all that helpful but I know I am entitled to some counselling so if I don’t feel like I’m managing I will look into that. I hope your tests give you some helpful answers and that things go as you hope them to in February xx
Thanks so much. I hope things improve for you. I find the hypnotherapy really helps me relax and feel more positive before a round. Someone else mentioned reiki..absolutely love a bit of reiki too! The fertility network put on a yoga course which really helped me during an IVF round. I wish you the best of luck with your next round. You've got this 👍 X
I can so relate! After a few years I kind of ‘decided’ to not let IVF be the main thing in my life, I booked holidays, applied for promotions made plans with friends and ate and drank what I wanted again! It didn’t mean that after a failed cycle I didn’t loose focus and feel crap for a few weeks I absolutely still did! But at the times before and during cycles I was much much more myself. In fact the last transfer that resulted in our little boy no one even noticed we had started IVf again (for him some people knew we were going through it) it made me feel like myself again and I really needed that so much. Didnt stop or hinder anything on the IVF front obviously either as it finally worked. When trying (and failing) to have a sibling I got caught up again and could feel it taking over my life again after one of my miscarriages, I wasn’t myself and didn’t care as much about other things so I had to do the mental reframing again. I think everyone is different on the ‘how’ to get to the stage where it isn’t taking over your life with many different things to try depending on your own preferences (like acupuncture , CBT, reiki, hypnotherapy, working out, running, calming exercises, yoga, throwing yourself into work, planning a big event etc etc) but I think the first step is to do what you’ve done and recognise it’s happening and your not happy about it- which isn’t always easy to see when you are in the thick of things! Sorry I do t have the solution but just wanted to say I have been here a few times and can totally relate 💜 xx
Thanks very much for this. Generally speaking I feel like I cope very well but I’m just having an understandable low point at the moment. I’m also jet lagged at the moment and I think the weird sleep cycle is making me more negative. I’ve done lots of what you have said and was also less strict in my last cycle. The infertility is male factor so I don’t think I really can change anything much at my end although I do take my vitamins and stop drinking close to cycles and once went through a slightly ridiculous beetroot and pomegranate drinking phase!
Totally understandable your are feeling like this and sometimes we just need to embrace it and feel the sh*tty feelings for a bit eh😢 I remember walking up a big hill with my dog on a rainy windy day and yelling at the top as loud as I could just to get all my frustration and impatience and anger out. Dog thought I was nuts 😂 but I defo felt a lot better afterwards 🤷🏻♀️ I hope the jet lag gets better soon nothing worse than your sleep being all over the place as well xx
Hi there! I’m sorry you are going through such tough time 💙
Your career sounds is exactly how I have been feeling last 3+ years of TTC and especially the last year of IVF attempts. Life is on hold. Everything is on pause.
My job is a joke and I really should have changed it a while ago. But same as many here I have been living with thoughts like “if I pregnant this year…” and stay at the job I don’t like and that don’t develop me. I felt like my career was slipping away whilst my family goal doesn’t get any closer either!
Every time I meet with friends that are not aware of our IVF journey I feel embarrassed to answer questions about how’s work as I have nothing to say there and I coudn’t talk about IVF that consumed my life and my thoughts…
But saying all that I appreciate that my current joke-job actually allows me focus on the fertility treatment, attend all the appointments and have rest when needed only because it is so low effort at the moment. And whilst I’m annoyed my career didn’t progress over the last couple of years, I’m grateful I am in the position to focus on my health without crazy burning deadlines stressing me out. So I guess that’s the weird way of support from the universe - I’d take it!
It’s so hard to converse with people who don’t know what’s going on!! My partners family have no idea what we’re doing and his dad last mothers day was like “hope you have an accident soon and can be a mother next Mother’s Day”. So cringe!! The notion of us having such an accident!! Also they clearly don’t understand why we are so good with kids and randomly appear to be putting it off. The amount of lies we’ve told them at this point is absurd.
As for the career thing, I’m in a way in the perfect position for if I do have a baby and if I don’t I will be able to work something out but sometimes the anxiety just takes over doesn’t it?
I really hope you get to have your baby soon!!!
Hello! Very similar situation to you, I have had 3 rounds of icsi, had 2 positives but led to miscarriage and chemical. I’ve had 10 transfers. And I’ve been trying to conceive for 8 years. It really gets me down if I think about it too much. And I also am going to be starting with a new clinic in the new year. I’ve got 3 consultations this month. 2 in London and one in Spain. And going to see where I get good vibes from. But I am a hairdresser, so it makes it so difficult, I’ve spent years and years building a solid client base and have felt I have had to mess them round quite a bit, I’ve never told them what I’m going through as I can’t deal with the conversation again and again, especially as obviously we have never had success. I think it’s going to result in me having to take some time out of work to do this. I don’t know how else to manage it. But I really need to give this one final proper shot. It’s been almost a decade of my life. I’ve had so many interruptions and delays which have led to this length of time. Finding I had endometriosis having to have operations. Then ended up with sepsis after my egg collection and transfer, was in and out of hospital for 2 months and nearly died; this also led me to have to have another operation, which wasn’t done properly and then had to have another to remove my tube. It’s been relentless this past couple of years and I just need to for my own sanity have this over one way or another.
My advice would be, if you can afford to not fully focus on your job, then don’t. As long as you keep it ticking over. Then just do that. I feel like you have to know you’ve done all you can to try and get where you want to be. I’m really sorry to hear about your mum as well, that’s tough. It’s so hard the whole thing, and everything you and everyone else goes through in this situation, all we deserve is to get our baby. It feels so cruel that the one thing your body is supposed to just be able to do you can’t. I think so many people can relate to your feelings. And I think you’re right to not give up yet. Take some time and do anything that you enjoy. I love going for walks, it really does make me feel so relaxed. Wishing you all the best for the next part of your journey, and I really hope you get some success!xxx
Thanks for your lovely response. It sounds like you’ve been really put through the wringer. You must be a very tenacious, resilient person to have handled all of this and find energy to come on here to help others out. I wish you all the very best for your consultations this month. Hopefully this will finally get you to the end goal xx
Firstly, sorry for your losses.
It’s important you take the time to acknowledge what you’re currently experiencing.
If you’re on social media there’s some great Facebook support groups - please get in touch or feel free to DM me.
Lean on you’re husband and don’t be too hard on yourself.
You mentioned you are in a position where you can try again & when you do you want to be in the best mental state so my advice it be patient.
Hope these words of encouragement help x
Thank you, the being patient part definitely needs to be a focus xxx
I’m so sorry 😢 it’s such a tough thing to deal with but I hear you and can relate. Most of my peers are now as you say both advancing careers and have a kid or two by now (and quite a few in school) in time we’ve been trying. That feeling that every aspect of your life is stagnating is so upsetting. But I’ve decided that career is something for many years (decades) ahead and is not my focus right now. So I’m trying to just be at peace with going through the motions with that aspect of my life but TTC is so time dependent I need to give it my all. I’ve also had a major family loss as well as a devastating pregnancy loss in the last few years and it all does weigh heavily and affect one - DMs always open if you need a chat. I’ve found mindfulness and focusing on nature, the family and great friends I do have, and my husband who is my best friend, as positive aspects to bring me joy during these dark times. Wishing you so much strength xx
Thanks so much. Your story sounds very similar to mine. You’re right, my career can still happen at a later date. I lose belief in that sometimes so thanks for being rational about it. My dms are also always open should you ever need to chat xx
I think the sad fact is the fertility journey makes us feel old but actually we are still young! Years ahead for career stuff.
I understand what some of the others are saying on here but don’t let the fact some people are seemingly able to do it all make you feel bad (it can for me). I tried earlier this year to just be like right I’m not letting this get in the way - so I booked holidays, I went for a job interview, I tried to act like I could live a normal life alongside IVF and the whole shebang. And then I lost money on the holiday because I couldn’t go (travel insurance wouldn’t cover as they said I could have expected to have an issue given what we are going through) and I got the job but then couldn’t do the mandatory residential training that only happens once every 2 years because I’d just had the ectopic pregnancy loss and emergency surgery. Affording holidays or activities is another issue as the whole IVF journey is beyond our means. Because of low AMH we’ve not had any NHS funding and already spent tens of thousands. I think it’s also very job dependent. I can’t easily work through cycles, and cannot work from home, it takes so much planning and also nature of job means I am making life or death decisions and facing women who are pregnant so that means I have to emotionally be in a strong place. So we shouldn’t compare ourselves to others who are able to keep working, move house, and book holidays/go for promotions etc as everyone’s situation is different. I hope that makes sense! x
It makes so much sense! I applied for a job recently and got it and then weirdly got ghosted by them immediately after but I was riddled with guilt anyway and just didn’t know how I would do it with IVF at the same time. I then immediately got pregnant so I felt relieved to not have the job and have to navigate telling them. We’ve been travelling to places that don’t have Zika but I had to fit my D and C in quickly before our latest trip and we also had to move other plans around. So it’s not always possible to be normal and you’re right everyone’s circumstances are very different so comparing isn’t always helpful or trying to do what others do isn’t always realistic. Thanks for reminding me of this. You are also right in that it makes you feel old and that life has or is passing you by.
Hi 👋 totally understand the dilemma you are facing. So we've been on the IVF journey for 7 years. We as a couple made the decision to live in the now, so we booked holidays, worked for promotions, bought a campervan, got a second dog, bought a new motorbike our family thought we were mad. All because we knew the now would one day be parenthood whatever way we got to it. IVF is a luck game, and we felt previously we couldn't make decisions or do anything just in case this was the one. We knew what the plan would be if it worked and continued to live. Yes the cycles can be stressful but trust me after 11 they do get easier, I personally found it easier than ever on our last one.
With regards to your business imagine if you focus on that and something takes off, then IVF works you'd be so proud of yourself as a new parent and business owner. You have to have something that is yours on the journey if you don't you do become lost and down. I've been there too xx
Thanks, I hope mine get easier as yours have! I've mostly been living quite normally but I find the career bit tough. I did get a job a while ago but then they randomly ghosted me and I soon was pregnant and glad I didn't have the job. I'm going to focus on my business as best I can and continue to book holidays and things although I did nearly have to miss our last one because I miscarried quite close to it (we did manage to go though!). xx
I wish you all the luck 🤞🙏
hi, yes I can relate and I totally understand how you feel. I found that I had to concentrate on one thing at a time and while it does seem like life is on hold, you can pick up the other parts of your life once your baby is here. My career, my social life, most of my friends, my hobbies, (my sanity) they all got shelved while I navigated IVF but they were all still there where I left off after the stress of all the IVF was over.
It’s a really tough time and I think it’s easy to spread ourselves too thinly. I can reassure you that life does return to normal and you will get your baby, it does just feel completely consuming while you go through this process but things can return to a better ‘normal’ at the other side of it all x
Feeling a bit lost.... 
Advice - seriously considering giving up work 
Zoladex and a bit of a dilemma
What a week! Not in a good way...
