One of my best friends (and the only friend I have left who isn’t pregnant/has a baby) has just told me that they decided last month to start TTC but has discovered she isn’t ovulating, so has been put on medication by her GP which should do the trick. She called to tell me she “now completely understands” what I’ve going through with my fertility journey, how hard it is etc etc.
I’m so upset/angry that she could even begin to equate what I’ve been through (TTC for 3.5yrs, miscarriage, ectopic and tube ruptured, and now three failed rounds of IVF) with her one month of trying and now obstacle.
I’m in no way trying to say that her struggle isn’t real or less important than mine BUT COME ON, surely you don’t call to tell someone going through this IVF hell that! I have no doubt too that she will be pregnant before I even get through my prep for my ERA next month! *rant over
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Patches86
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I know exactly how you feel, just had negative transfer no 7 so that’s 14 embryos none stuck been trying for 18 years, , and I know someone that has only been married a few years and was panicking by the way they just given birth, we been married 23 , I just learned to live with it now , and at the same time I think of only you knew the half of it 😬😬😬xxxx
You're absolutely allowed to be upset, but people who haven't been through what we have, just don't understand, she doesn't mean it, maybe she's trying to connect in someway and that possibly the pills won't work for her and the fear for her is real now. X x x
Preaching to the choir! 🤣 My younger sister doesn't know that I'm going through IVF. Long story but she's not terribly good at being emotionally supportive. But she keeps "worrying" to my mum that we're not trying to conceive hard enough. And she just sent me an article about not taking Advil if trying to get pregnant 🙄 I have no doubt she's looking up how to conceive for herself and that'll she'll be pregnant in a month or so. That is going to be hell. That girl was born under a lucky star and me under a sucky one! 🤣 I know it's not easy, but insensitive is how people are unless they really know the hope and heartache of IVF intimately. You can get through this because for all of us IVFerrs...there is no choice if we want to be mummies! 🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞xxx
Hundred percent understand. My brothers wife is 20weeks pregnant. That was really hard for me as they only just started trying and I’m 4 years/ectopic/chemical/5 ivf etc etc etc (we each build such a long list 😭)
My mum keeps saying “well they’re not really enjoying being pregnant because they’ve seen everything go wrong for you and think it might happen to them”
“Oh they don’t relax, it’s been really hard for them worrying they might lose the baby too”
Yeah it’s EXACTLY the same mum 😏😏😏
Now also I Completely understand EVERY first mum, really quite rightly worries about their precious baby. But please don’t compare my absolute horror story and lack of sustaining a pregnancy to normal, fertile healthy baby worries. It’s a different thing
It’s crap, just more we have to live through xxx sending love
Hey, understand how you feel too, a week or so before our first round of ivf after 2.5 years of trying and a real struggle to get to the ivf stage, one of my friends (and same as you, my only other one who wasn't pregnant) told me she was pregnant literally the first month of trying. She knew of my struggles and I felt it was so insensitive. I had to pull back from her for a little while and not long after she realised she shouldn't have told me in the way she did. Not long after she had a miscarriage then of course I felt absolutely terrible that had happened to her.
It's such an emotional journey when you have been trying for so long and on top of the other losses you have suffered.
Wishing you lots of luck in your journey and I hope you get the outcome you so very much want x
I don't know. Your emotions are absolutely valid and their's are too. I don't think it necessarily comes from a bad place, maybe they just try to sympathise. When they started trying and learnt that "there was something wrong or does not work" they probably found this hard too. I understand that it feels insensitive considering everything you went through. Don't let this wind you up too much, they probably "just" see the whole thing as fertility problems that they now have too and not the very painful details. I hope you are lucky and things work out for you soon and you can leave all of the pain behind! 🌻
I have this exact same thing happen! My friend isn’t ovulating and was out on Clomid to help.
She kept comparing it all to what I’ve been though (7 years, failed IUI, failed IVF) and how she totally gets it now. I didn’t say anything at first until her round didn’t work.
After, we went for a socially distant walk and she asked if it gets worse. I told her very honestly that it does. I told her that we’ve been through what she has but it’s gone further and harder and I never thought I would survive but here I am. She told me she can’t grasp how much we’ve been through and I think she realised her comments of ‘I totally get it’ should have been ‘I’ve had some insight and it shocked me’.
We’re actually closer now than we were. Hopefully you can be honest with her. I’m sure she realises it isn’t the same she’s just trying to empathise xxx
Nobody understands. They think they do. But they don't and can never understand. A really insightful friend is one that will support you and say they don't understand. The rest are, who say they understand, are all talking rubbish
This sounds a lot like my situation. My friend starting trying December last year which affected me and I’ve been a bit distant the last 2 months. She pretty much called me out on it the other day so i went to have a conversation with her. Not to sure why I thought I might get through to her to see if she would understand but nope. She found out she has cysts on her cervix and believes she could be in the same boat as me even though it only been 3 months. So yeah according to her she completely understands what I’ve been through (trying to convince for about 3.5 years first round of ivf needed in a missed miscarriage in October). I was due to start a cycle now but have a cyst taking up my whole ovary so now have to wait till next month.
But anyways yeah she pretty much said she only wants people around her that can be happy for her and don’t make her sad. I managed to get her to give me some time after she announces she pregnant but says she will tell me then it’s up to me to make an effort to talk to her. So yeah I’ve just been acting normal now and just waiting for the day she announces. I hope it’s something you can come to terms with (I slowly am) it’s hard as no one will ever understand unless they have gone through it. Good luck with everything! X
It's so hard when friends aren't as supporting as they should be. If I'm honest she doesn't sound like a true friend to you basically leaving you to deal with it and you have to make the effort with her. I think of you don't make the effort you may feel alot better. I have a friend who I've known since day dot and out of everyone she's surprised me with the insensitive things she's said. Before and through treatment I've stepped back from her and feel so much better. That's when you notice the true supportive friends who are there for you. Our situations are hard enough as they are without people who are supposed to be supporting us actually making us worse. Sending you positive vibes and strength!!! 💕💕
Haha! I had almost exactly the same thing! My friend (who already has a toddler) is trying for number 2, and she told me the other day that after 5 months they're still not pregnant and she's so upset - now she totally understands how hard it must be for me! I know she's being kind and she is amazingly supportive but it did make me snort! xx
I completely understand your frustration!! We've had so many different situations with friends it just shows you who are true friends in the times when you really need support. My friend found out she was pregnant at 17 weeks without even trying, he's now a toddler and they said they're trying for their second, but we're so keen on saying and making it known how the first one was such a miracle, how they're so blessed to have him, he makes them complete, he's their miracle child......saying this to someone who they know is currently going through IVF with years of trying and various heartbreak. No yours was just a surprise there was no struggle or heartbreak involved. Now they're saying they wouldn't want to fall pregnant now because that would be a Christmas baby and be too expensive!!! Clearly never had to pay for IVF then just to have a chance of falling pregnant!!! Literally mind blown how people don't use their brains before they open their mouths!!!!! Safe to say I have been distancing myself from her for about a year so that helps.Gosh it does help to rant doesn't it and know we're all in it together!!
I totally get when you say ex friends. I have had to distance myself from friends massively over the last couple of years. It makes this road even more lonely - which is why this forum helps so much.
With one - I would have considered close - friend I shared our difficulties. She said they were TTC too and were struggling because it had been a few months and so she wanted to speak the doctor. I explained a little of the process. Next thing I know she sent me a message with a picture of her ultrasound to tell me her news. I will never get over that level of insensitivity. Her little boy is a couple of months old and we rarely speak now.
I do understand it can be so hard with friends. My childhood best friend has never been maternal and doesn’t really want children. She trivialises my whole journey and there is a hint of *well it’s your choice to want a child, so guess you have to deal with it*. Because it’s been such a long journey she makes it quite apparent she doesn’t want to hear about it anymore. Which is fine, as I have other support. However I can’t bear to listen to her making a drama about things in her life, like ordering blinds or celebrating her birthday. She sends me pictures of her family’s baby announcements who I don’t even know! She’s been there for me in other hard times so now I end up feeling bad for the distance I’m creating. But I will never be able to explain it to her as she will never understand. It’s sad reading that so many of us are in the same situation as it can be so isolating. ❤️ to you xx
I feel your pain! People often say that they had ‘trouble conceiving’ but hey ho, it worked in the end, no IVF or intervention required. 🙄
There is a close family friend who had IVF and it worked first time. She has a beautiful 3 year old daughter. She went for her first FET to try for a sibling and it also worked first time. Baby boy due in the coming weeks. She is a lovely person and very deserving of such luck but I can’t help getting jealous (not healthy, I know!). She constantly blogs about how difficult IVF is...but it was successful for her on both occasions! She did a short protocol and only had to use pessaries, then a non-medicated FET, again with only pessaries. Meanwhile I’ve had to do 2 long protocol egg collections, been upped beyond pessaries to Lubion, intramuscular injections and blood thinners...going onto my fourth transfer after three early miscarriages from my previous three. My friend occasionally writes on Facebook that ‘IVF can be such a difficult journey’...she has no idea!! 😫
I always feel awful thinking this way as she obviously had two years of TTC so of course she knows of the difficulty of not getting pregnant. I need to stop comparing our IVF journeys...I think it’s just her constant sharing of it that drives me a bit 🤯 because it worked so well for her.
I’m so sorry your friend said what she did to you and can completely understand your irritation. I keep trying to avoid comparing my journey to others as it gets you nowhere other than wanting to be in one of those glass smashing rooms (I think they have them in London!) 🤣 Perhaps we should all go after lockdown?!
Take care of yourself and try and focus on you, that’s all that really matters xxxx
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Just a 2 minute rant 😡
Help with colleague
*sensitive* breaking the news to friends also struggling with infertility
looking for bit of advice on coping with work colleagues who are pregnant.
Trying to understand IVF...
