Advice for a women who is one "just relax" away from going completely crazy...

[glt01]

I wondered if anyone could give me any pointers on how not to just give up... I'm sorry for such a long post/ rant. Please bear with me...

I'm starting to loose hope having been referred last October for fertility help after paying privately for my OH sperm tests which recommended ICSI. I had had 2 ultrasound scans previously which both showed I had polycystic ovaries but I haven't got full blown PCOS. We finally saw a consultant in February this year who told me I needed to get all my bloods done again, another ultrasound and for my husband to be retested as she didn't have any of our records! She also said she would put me on Clomid for 6-9 months but wanted us to go and think about it and take some vitamins first and she would see us again in 6 months! I rung the clinic and complained the next day as we didn't think this was appropriate and the nurse couldn't apologise enough, she got us in with another consultant who apologised and said Clomid should've never been discussed as an option and that I needed a laparoscopy to check my tubes and see if I have any adhesions. I've already agreed that if there is damage they can remove both tubes and also sort out any adhesions whilst they're in there. He said once I've had the surgery then he would see me after in clinic and we would be able to to start the ball rolling with IVF... Unfortunately my GP has already told me that she won't sign off the paperwork for our funding, (I'm military and the way the clinic want us funded is from the military and not the NHS otherwise we forfeit our 2nd and 3rd cycle attempts if the first fails), she's also keeps telling me that maybe I should relax and it will just happen and I'll fall pregnant... 😡😡😡

I've got to the point now where I just feel like we should completely give up. I'm fed up of having to fight for our right to have children because everytime we get somewhere we keep getting knocked back. My OH told his best friend that we needed IVF and his response was "well our friends have just adopted, why don't you do that?" Him and his wife got pregnant on their second month of trying...

Can anyone offer any tips on how to keep my cool/not give up hope/not completely loose my sh*t the next time someone mentions how they got pregnant of a one night stand or one month of trying? I'd be very appreciative otherwise I'm going to end up as the crazy lady who throws cats at strangers... Thank you all ❤️

[Hidden]

I totally share your anger at “just relax and it will happen” comments which are COMPLETE RUBBISH. Obviously telling someone to relax is the best way to do it- not!!!

Is there a military GP you can see who may be more mindful of your situation? Sending you lots of positive thoughts. It’s the only way we can get through it- thinking of it as when it will happen to us and not if. Xx

[glt01 in reply to Hidden]

I found a post recently that was titled 10 things not to say to people who are having IVF and want to share it all over my social media but my OH isn't as open as me so won't let me!

Sadly, she is classed as a military GP, she's now civilian but left the service a few months ago but still classed as a military doc. I've had other issues with her and how she's spoken to me with regards to fertility and have tried to put in an official complaint. I've got an appointment with her on Monday and if she's still refusing that we need treatment/sign papers/ give me sick leave post my op then I'm going to kick off until I get to see someone else!

Thank you, it's a good mentality to have, a when not an if! what stage of your journey are you at? (If you don't mind me asking!)xx

[Hidden in reply to glt01]

It’s hard when you don’t feel like your GP has your back. We are currently in our 2nd cycle with a frozen transfer. We are “unexplained”. Our fresh cycle in January was not successful so this is our last try with the NHS and then we will have to go private. It’s so much more complicated than people think! X

[glt01 in reply to Hidden]

Fingers and toes crossed, I really do hope you get that bfp x

[alfie19 in reply to Hidden]

Hop it works for you i have had enexplained infertility for years i am now over 60yrs my Gynogoloist told me it is extremely hard treating someone when it is unexplained if there was a cause then it can be treated it was years of heartache and depresssion set in as I got older still childless as my husband would not adopt or foster so now have a lap dog she is my world and we lo e each other dearly. I had 2 failed attempts at IVF my eggs were too small to transfer after numerous drugs. I keep asking myself and the Drs why no one knows the only why i could have a baby was by surragotcy unfortunately my husband did not want this either feeling so alone in this world you are the first person who i have been able to talk to who is also unexplained so thankyou for sharing your story.

[elle80]

Don't give up! This journey is tough and emotional from the start to the end. But hopefully the end result will give you that child you've always longed for. Xx

[glt01 in reply to elle80]

Thank you, it's such a horrible journey and I just hope it'll be worth it xx

[elle80 in reply to glt01]

I hope so too!

The unknown is daunting...... I think that's why it's taken me six years to finally go ahead with this before it's too late. It's the what if's? What if I put myself through this and it ends in heart ache...! But hopefully it will be worth it xx

[glt01 in reply to elle80]

I just wish more people were more understanding of the fact it's not as simple as shoving an egg and some sperm in a test tube and giving it a shake! It's all the heartache and procedures that comes with it without a guarantee of a little one! I'm going to keep everything crossed for all of us going through it!xx

[elle80 in reply to glt01]

Lol unfortunately most people don't understand! People on here do though xx

[Hidden]

Just relax is about the most annoying thing along with why don’t u adopt!!! Proper have no clue and it’s the smugness that really gets me. Stay strong and don’t give up u are a warrior and u have to fight for your dream we are all here for you x

[glt01 in reply to Hidden]

I'm quite blunt and tell people we need IVF when they make smug little remarks about how I haven't got pregnant yet. I also tell them exactly what the IVF involves, they're so embarrassed at their own attitude they then stop asking 😂 Thank you, it's nice to hear that they're are lots of us and none of us are alone xx

[emu2016]

Have you had the “my sister’s neighbour’s brother’s wife are having ivf; I know all about it so shout if you need any advice” ?!

And my favourite is always a sort of relax one - “if you stop thinking about it it will happen” MASSIVE EYE ROLL.

You’ve two options here... one... tell them the truth; it’ll shut them up. But be blunt. “I can’t have children naturally. It hurts and I don’t want to discuss it” or two... take a deep breath, sigh and say “I know. I’ll try that. Now let’s talk about something else!” Have an inside laugh and come here and tell us all about it! x

[Birdwithnoname in reply to emu2016]

Aah yes. Those unhelpful ‘pearls of wisdom’

I’m pretty fed up of people telling me , or hearing about, that couple that ‘’as soon as they stopped trying or as soon as they stopped Ivf they fell preg’’. Like, what am I supposed to do with that information?? Really??! To me it is impossible to just ‘give up’ for this to actually work as in the back of your mind you are only giving up in the hope of falling preg, so it wouldn’t work lol. To ‘stop trying’ really is a nonsense. As long as your having unprotected sex you’re still trying! Aaargh!! Xxx

[glt01 in reply to emu2016]

I've had so many people tell me they know exactly what we're going through and then I ask if they had IVF they respond oh no but I've read about it, we got pregnant without even trying...! Oh good for you as I grit my teeth!

I'm very honest with people and when people try to make little remarks about how long it's taking us to have a baby I just tell them we need IVF and we are both infertile, they soon shut up then. I've also been known to google the egg collection procedure and show it to people who tell me IVF is the easy way of having a baby... I'm such a horror!

I'm glad I've found this community, I'm quite new but it's been an absolute god send already because we're all in it together x

[Saya85]

I hear u! 🙌🏻

I almost stopped the ivf before it even started just from the stress of having to chase up incompetent nurses and labs and test results that I couldn’t access.

I’m glad I didn’t though as the ivf part was actually a breeze for me! We got really good number of embryos even though the fresh transfer didn’t work.

We’re now doing frozen transfer but all my investigations and insistence on blood tests meant I actually picked up a lot of health problems and vitamin deficiencies I would never have realised. So it’s been a learning curve and I now fully manage my own health and don’t let myself get fobbed off by doctors.

However I’m careful not to push it and be selective with what I tell my doctors otherwise you’re labelled a hypochondriac even when th test results are abnormal! (That’s a whole other issue/rant)

I love the ‘why don’t u adopt’ advice. I just want to ask them back- why didn’t u adopt? I mean there’s enough children in the world without u adding to it- surely it’s selfish of u to have had ur own kids?? That would shut them up.

However I do want to adopt also lol so I don’t really entertain those discussions.

Hubby keeps telling me to be positive and others tell me to relax. I think it’s semantics...

Wishful thinking isn’t going to get u pregnant! Nor is burying ur head in the sand.

But relaxing so that your body is rested, u feel well and healthy and stress free can certainly do wonders- if only to prepare u for ivf. However people telling u to relax does not create less stress- quite the opposite !

Tbf though I have had 2 friends who conceived naturally after ivf so what do I know 😂

[glt01 in reply to Saya85]

I completely get where your coming from with regards to the doctors! It's so difficult to have to try and fight for everything before you've even started!

We've said that we would look into adoption if IVF didn't work, it sounds terrible and it's not a second best thing at all, it's more I would just love to have the experience of a pregnancy and a baby. If our situation was right for it I would foster ( and probably adopt) every child out there!

I love how people think they can tell by just looking at you that you're stressed and have no idea if you are, they always just assume!

You have two very lucky friends!x

[Noobs]

I started this process early 2016 and I’m only just going through my first round of ivf now. I had a massive fibroid blocking my tubes,which got removed but I had to wait to recover etc etc. People think this journey starts at this point but for all of us trying, the journey starts years before. I was 39 when it was removed and open that it had made me infertile all these years. Some comments were ‘oh well you’re probably too old now anyway’ and ‘ you wouldn’t want to have a baby at your age as it was hard enough with my two when I was younger’ . I’ve never wanted to punch people in the face so much in my life. I don’t think people mean to be insensitive, they just have no idea because they’ve not had to fight for the possibility of having a child. Wishing you good luck in your journey.x

[glt01 in reply to Noobs]

Thank you, and you, age shouldn't matter, as long as you're able to love a child then it shouldn't matter on your age. I hope it all works out x

[Aleelilook]

Don’t lose hope just yet, yes people are absolute morons, and yes you will want to punch them in the face sometimes!! I’ve had 5 rounds of IVF, a mmc and a chemical pregnancy last round, which was our first with donor eggs, apparently they’ve been the problem, but they didn’t realise as we started when I was 33 and all my tests were normal. A new comment I’ve been getting recently is “so when will you give up?!” 🤦🏼‍♀️😡🤦🏼‍♀️ I could definitely punch them, but I just smile and say when I have a baby!!! I found counselling has really helped me not hate everyone I meet😂😂 and has just helped me not lose the plot completely! Good luck xxx

[glt01 in reply to Aleelilook]

Thank you, our clinic run monthly group counselling sessions however the clinic we go to is a good 45 minute drive away and with me working shifts it's near impossible to go! We booked for one but then they had to cancel it as there was too few people booked on! I've had counselling before and think it's brilliant, the other difficulty is convincing my OH it's not mumbo jumbo!

I can't believe people ask you when you will give up!? You must have some strong willpower to not throw anything at them! Good luck and I hope you get your bfp xxx

[Aleelilook in reply to glt01]

Haha! There have been times where a quick poke in the eye would have made me feel better! Thank you, fingers crossed, round 6 next month 😩🤪 I have to say my husband has only had 2 sessions of counselling, apparently he doesn’t have that much to talk about!😂🤦🏼‍♀️xxx

[Hands2015]

Totally understand where your coming from with people saying just relax it's like yeah why hadn't I thought of that and you know what now I've thought about it's just super easy !!! Lol. It's so hard and can feel very overwhelming. Stay strong and positive and totally rant it out here if you need to

[glt01 in reply to Hands2015]

Thank you

[CBOO1]

I’ve just read all the comments & had to laugh at the stupidness of some people - I get ‘if you just stop thinking about it, you just need to relax, you’re trying too hard & as soon as you give up it’ll happen’ all the time!! People really have no idea!! And how on earth do you give up?!!!! I would love to be able to give up, to let go & have a little bit of time where I’m not consumed by this feeling every second of every day but how can you?!!!! I try not to look at apps to know when I should possible be ovulating but you just know in your head the rough time! I will never understand how people can get pregnant by accident, from a one night stand or weren’t even trying - I could punch them all!!! 🥊🤬😂

Xxx

[glt01 in reply to CBOO1]

I've got a friend who managed to get pregnant off a one night stand who then had a 20 minute conversation with me about if I was in her position would I have an abortion, (she is fully aware of our situation) I was like I would do anything to be pregnant and you're sat here asking me this?! (I've got nothing against what people want to do with their lives but pick your audience, especially with a conversation like that!)

I deleted all my fertility apps because I found I was becoming too obsessive with them, I put all unused pregnancy and ovulation tests in a bag and sealed it shut with a roll of sellotape then gave it to my OH to hide. It seems extreme but it was the only way I could cope, the heartbreak of knowing I hadn't ovulated that month and then the single line on a test was too much for me to bear. I admire the ladies who do it every month, they must have such a strong resolve!

I think for me giving up would be pulling out of IVF as we know that's the only way we will have children, but then I see babies or pregnant women out and about and know I want it more than anything else! Good luck with your journey, I hope you get a little one soon xxx

[CBOO1 in reply to glt01]

Thank you & you!! It is extreme but sometimes we have to do these things to keep our sanity! I never got positive ovulation tests so I gave up with them as after blood tests the Doctors insist I do ovulate. I don’t have much faith in them but I guess. We have to trust them to some extent.

For us our IVF journey has come to a grinding holt, we were told we need it but don’t qualify for NHS funding as my partner already has a son so that’s the end of that before it’s even begun! Every month I hope for a miracle! We are going to pay privately for a consultation in the next couple of months just to see what they say so we’ll see!!

Fingers crossed for you & I hope your friend is a lot more sensitive in future!!!!

Xxx

[Sunshine92]

Reading your story has given me goosebumps because its scarily similar to me!

I too have recently found out i have polycystic ovaries but not PCOS. GP doesnt want to know as we have only been trying for 7months, told me to come back when we’ve been trying for 2 years. Paid for a private scan where they found the polycystic ovaries, I actually had a follicle that was maturing. They tracked this follicle and i hoped and prayed it would mature to release an egg - but it didnt ☹️

I’m now taking Vitex Agnus Castus following recommendation from my acupuncturist but the private clinic are happy to start us on clomid once my other half has a sperm test. Im skeptical because the percentages of conceiving even on this aren’t great

I work for the NHS, pay my taxes, and it both upsets and embarrasses me that they continue to fail some women who are struggling with fertility due to their age or their postcode. If i had a £1 for everytime someone told me to relax id be rich! Unfortunately no amount of relaxing will make my follicle mature sadly.

Dont give up xx

[glt01 in reply to Sunshine92]

I hope your OH sperm analysis comes back okay, Clomid can be amazing, unfortunately for us because of my OH sperm not being ideal it wouldn't matter if I did ovulate, his swimmers still wouldn't fertilise an egg! It's so frustrating isn't it? I get really cross with work sometimes because I think if I was pregnant I would be very much protected however because I am infertile which isn't my fault I feel like I'm penalised for it. I've been told I need to take leave for hospital appointments when if we were adopting they would allow us time off, or if I was attending midwife appointments or prenatal classes I would be given time off. There's so many of us as well that are affected by this yet still nothing changes! I know they have to save money somewhere but it seems so mad that you can live next door to someone who can have 3 cycles but you're only entitled to 1!

I hope you get some positive news soon and that Clomid works for you xx

[Drives]

Don't give up! It's bloody hard, emotional and frustrating (and we've only just started our journey) but the support here will help you through 😉

I swear if I had a pound for every time someone told me to "relax and it will just happen" or "stop thinking about it" or "my sister's friends friend was going through IVF and then just fell pregnant naturally" I would be able to pay to go privately for our treatment!! 🤦‍♀️

We've had a crap time chasing results, cancelled appointments and a transfer to an alternative NHS hospital and we haven't even started treatment yet. I know it will be worth it in the end though and all this rubbish and heartache will be a distant memory.