Don't want to turn into a bitter old lady....

So after our BFN last Monday and finally feeling better over the weekend we had to pop up to the hospital this morning for a blood test to confirm all the pregnancy hormones were out of my system so we can think about doing a fet.

I found myself sitting in the waiting room really not wanting to be there, I remember all the hope and naivety I had only a couple of weeks ago only to be replaced by anger and sadness.

I think the worst bit was watching a couple come in for their pregnancy blood test and looking so happy and excited ( I think they already new it was a positive) and I found myself feeling resentment and jealousy - how can they get pregnant and not me. How horrible is that?! I really thought I'd made progress over the weekend but now I just want to crawl into bed and hide from the world.

What has taken me by surprise is how worthless I feel now. I feel useless and feel like I'm failing as a woman and a wife. This whole process has really knocked the confidence right out of me and I think that is the saddest part of all.

[E_05]

Sorry to hear about your BFN but your definitely not worthless or failing. I can totally understand how your feeling though, I think unfortunately this journey does make you feel isolated. When you want something so much and it comes so easily to others it’s hard not to feel resentful. Hang in there, your not alone on here xx

[-noodles-]

oh laura, i am sending you a huge hug. it’s totally natural you feel like that, plus it’s only been a week. you are not bitter or resentful, you are human. you only want what seems to come so easily to everyone else.

you have been through so much - physically and emotionally. it will take time, but you will heal & your confidence will return. be kind to yourself. allow yourself to feel however you feel.

sending lots of love ✨💕

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Hi LauraM1986. Oh my poor girl! You've only just lost your chance of a pregnancy, so you will feel raw when you see "happy" people and babies. As you say it took you completely by surprise. Unfortunately obstetrics, gynae and fertility clinics are all nearby as they share facilities. Equipment is so expensive and unfortunately clinics can't afford to furnish them separately, so you will bump into such people. Let's hope that your blood results will give you the go ahead to try your FET, and that you are getting plenty of support just now. Thinking of you. Diane

[Hidden]

Thank you all for replying, the hospital have just called to say my bloods are back to 'normal' and I'm on the waiting list to start a fet from my May period. I feel the hospital have let me down a little as I have had no follow up appointment explaining their thoughts on why it didn't work and no one has explained how the fet will work. I don't even know if the hospital do natural or medicated cycles. I think I will wait for the letter to come through and then phone and ask some questions. At least we can try and get back to normal and enjoy an 'ivf free life' for the next couple of months. xxx

[Hidden]

Aww I'm so sorry to hear this. You are not useless at all. Sometimes life is just s**t. What seems so easy for some is sooo difficult for others. You have to keep positive and believe. One day it will be your turn xx massive hugs xxx

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you - I hope you 2ww is going well xxx

[Hidden]

We find out tomorrow. Its such a difficult journey. But whatever happens tomorrow I'm proud that I've given it a bash and did our best xxx

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I love your attitude - you have hit the nail on the head. Time to stop feeling sorry for myself and be proud for how far we have come. Thank you xxx

[Hidden]

You do feel jealous when you see others getting something you wanted for yourself but it's proving hard to come by for you as it's bloody unfair! It's natural to feel like that.

[emu2016]

These are normal feelings. I found myself getting mad at a woman buying nappies in Morrisons once. You’ll feel better soon I promise. We’ll always hurt inside; but you’ll feel better xx

[Hidden in reply to emu2016]

Thank you xxx

[Newqgirl1]

I can totally relate, going through 2nd cycle now, first time round I was full of hope and excitement, now it seems I’m just going through the motions.

It’s such a kick in the teeth sitting in the maternity bit waiting for apts watching the baby tv surrounded by new and expectant mums, being asked by the receptionist every time ‘where’s your file!?’ Accompanied by a disappointing expression like you’re so stupid for forgetting such an important thing. I have no file love, they save them for the pregnant people and I’m here for fertility treatment! 🙈

Need to pick myself up but it’s easier said than done sometimes!

Good luck with your journey ❤️

🥂here’s to future success (sparkling apple juice of course!! 😂)

[RidleyNL]

I completely understand how tough this is, I've been there - the feelings of worthlessness, failure, bitterness and shame are excruciating. And it feels like it's being slammed in your face everywhere you look, especially at the hospitals or clinics we have constantly to visit. All I can say is, please allow yourself to feel ALL the feelings. You've been through such a lot and it's not easy, so be kind to yourself. What Hidden said above is so right, we're all just giving it our best shot, there's so much to be said for that. Sending love to you Laura xx

[Hidden in reply to RidleyNL]

Thank you,i think this has hit me a lot harder than I thought and it is going to take a bit of time to feel myself again but I know I'll get there eventually xxx

[RidleyNL in reply to Hidden]

Of course you will, but it takes time to heal and SO MUCH courage to keep going (especially when you don't feel brave or strong), so take care xx

[AJJ123]

I know how you feel, not from an ivf perspective because I haven’t done it but the feelings your feeling I too have felt. It makes you feel sick, angry, upset amongst other things. I know it’s not fair. I can say is that the pain lessens but the hope never goes away. If u want a baby, keep going xx