I’m new to all of this, but felt I needed a little support from some sympathetic people.
I’ve been depressed on and off for all my adult life, I’m 34 now. I’ve been on and off anti depressants, done 3 types of different counselling. I get better, then have another breakdown. My life’s a cycle of breakdowns and recovery, each time hoping it will be the last.
I never found myself in the right relationship to have a baby until I met my husband to be when I was 30. We bought a home a year ago, and decided to start trying for a baby. We talked about our spare room and how it would be the baby’s room. We spoke about how our German Shepherd would be a big sister one day. My mental health was good, and I came off my anti depressants and contraceptive pill. 13 months on, no luck. Every month I’m crushed. My fiancé says he’s happy either way, if we have children or not, but I don’t feel the same way. Sometimes I wish I could think like him, it’s like he’s just accepting and being happy for the hand life has dealt him. He doesn’t like seeing me sad, and the topic of conceiving has caused a few arguments. I now have to think about when I bring the topic up, so as not to start another argument. We jokingly refer to it as”the topic”!
I found that over the last few months, trying to get pregnant has brought so much to the surface. I blame myself for being 34! But I know it couldn’t have been any other way. My self esteem and confidence is low. I’m stressed at work; I don’t really like my job but I’ve been in it 10 years, the wage is good, it pays the mortgage. In my head, I work to provide a future for a future baby.
I feel like I’ve just hit rock bottom, wondering what I’m doing with my life.
I don’t really have a question, but I guess it would be how could I deal with my depression and low self esteem without anti depressants?
My fiancé is going to get his sperm tested soon. I’ve had my bloods done, they’re all where they should be and my period is regular every 27 days.
Good luck out there to everyone trying. Other people talking about it is such a support, and it’s good just to have somewhere to talk without judgement.