Fertility Network UK
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What to say?

Went for a gathering last night at a friends house. I didn’t drink as I was the driver. Most people in the room aware of our TTC situation...

“Have you got something to tell us” - No, not pregnant.

“You won’t know if you have problems unless you try” - We’ve been trying for a while.

“Why aren’t you drinking” - I wish it was for that reason, but no I’m not pregnant.

They all pretty much know what we are going through. How do I politely say stop trying to guess! If I get pregnant I will tell you when I feel comfortable to!!

The worst one was a wedding where a drunk guy kept congratulating me on my pregnancy- it was the girl stood next to me who was actually pregnant 🤦🏻‍♀️

I understand they don’t get it and sometimes its by accident (or the drink talking). But it just makes me want to avoid going to these gathering altogether.

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That's so annoying! I had to tell my family to not ask and I'd tell them as my mum kept calling and asking 'ANY BABIES' aghhh! ive told friends that I can't drink during specific times in the treatment which actually isn't a lie after EC. Some people are so irritating!

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Just tell them to stop trying to guess. Blunt is best. I favour something along the lines of, “if there’s something I want you to know then I’ll tell you. If I get pregnant then I’ll tell people at 12 weeks and I don’t really want pressure to tell people sooner.”

I know this is not everyone’s way but I think anyone who is rude enough to try to find out if someone is pregnant is not going to respond to a subtle approach!

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Only last night my cousin text me to ask why I wasn't out partying on a Saturday night. In my situation I am pregnant, but she knows we've been trying for 2 years and I've told her we're about to start IVF, which we were, so she should know I wouldn't be drinking anyway. But also, we're in our 30s, been married for a while, and even when I was in my single 20s I didn't go out every Saturday night, I just couldn't afford it and didn't want to. Why is it so unusual for someone to either not be out getting absolutely wasted when they are childless (is this something we must do but haven't been told about?!) And why can't we have a night off the booze without people questioning constantly whether we finally "relaxed and it just happened, see, didn't I tell you that you just needed to relax?" Urgh it makes me so annoyed! I've avoided seeing people since we got pregnant as I didn't want to answer those stupid questions and then feel bad because at that point I'm making up excuses for a lifestyle choice I made some time ago. I also previously felt pressured into having a glass of wine when we saw people just to prove I wasn't pregnant, when actually the last thing I wanted to do was have a drink.

Hang on in there, you're very brave being so honest with all of them. And on here it's great to share a moan about how annoying other people are! Xx

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Thanks! I feel exactly the same! Its not like we’ve just started this process which annoys me. I’m not just a piece of gossip!

Plus as you said I’ve also never been the big party animal. And we don’t live close so one of us usually drives and I do most of the time because I don’t mind. I’ve also done the I’ll have one drink to prove I’m not pregnant- but why should I!

I’ve not drank at weddings thinking I was pregnant and at another big party I was taxi because of the medication I was on making me feel rubbish.

So I feel like they should be well used to me not drinking at events by now!

Ha just re-read your ‘just relax’ part. At 1:30am all the drunk people were telling me to stop blaming myself and to stop putting all the pressure on myself (neither things I actually said). Then were telling me about miscarriages (as I have a higher chance of miscarriage this is a sensitive subject anyway). I was almost sat in tears before my husband swifly moved the conversation on!

Luckily I am busy with work for the next few weekends - never thought I’d say that!ha so that can be my next excuse.

Also a massive congratulations! All the best xx

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That is hard. We decided to tell only a few people and had to tell them not to ask and that I would share when ready about anything. Maybe talk to them about it sure they mean well but can feel ur frustration and awkwardness maybe as been there. Once I told mine not to ask that did stop so maybe worth a try. There is enough that is out of our control in a lot of ways so I def wanted to be in control of what I shared and when. Best wishes xx

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This has been the most annoying aspect of this whole thing. Only one friend knows so she’s able to back up my stories as to why I’m not drinking. But really feeling for my husband who hasn’t drank since mid-December. Why do people ask why he’s not drinking!?! Like who cares!? We can go out and socialize and have a good time without a drink in our hands. He’s actually begun to like not waking up in the weekends with a hangover. And we’ve saved money. People are so nosey. What if he was struggling with a drinking problem or something... would they ask then? People should really learn to stop asking questions like these especially in large social gatherings - like if you’re really concerned or curious and feel like we are good friends enough to ask, then take me aside and don’t put me on the spot. Ugh rant over! 😆

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