What to say?

[R_J_B-90]

Just found out my partner is completely infertile, I have PCOS and I'm currently not ovulating, friends know we're trying to conceive, so people have been asking how the tests have been going. My partner doesn't want anyone knowing, he won't even tell his parents. He wants me to lie and tell people he is fine. Don't know what to say to people to end the conversation naturally as I don't want to keep talking about it, as it upsets me more and I hate having to lie to family and friends. What can I say?

[poochi]

Hi really sorry you have had this news. When you say completely infertile do you mean 0 sperm at all? If this is the case then he might need a few tests as a blockage can cause this. If there are a few sperm then IVF should still be an option.

I would tell people that you have decided to stop trying for a year, that you decided you want to enjoy a few more holidays and just take the pressure off. People (especially parents) will try to convince you not to but just tell them that you need it so to stop asking. Might sound harsh but sometimes you have to put your feelings first.

Good luck to you x

[R_J_B-90 in reply to poochi]

He has 0% sperm, he had undescended testicles that were not surgically corrected until quite late in life, so nothing can be done.

I like the sound of saying we're stopping for a year, but I don't think close friends will believe that, they know me too well to know I wouldn't put it off for anything. We are getting married next year, I suppose I could say we're focusing on the wedding plans and just letting nature take its course in the meantime.

Going out for a friends birthday today who is pregnant so all talk is going to be around babies 😔

[poochi in reply to R_J_B-90]

Oh that is really a hard situation, I'm sat in work with someone who was 7wks ahead of me in pregnancy terms & they don't know I lost mine so its hard talking about it as its a constant reminder.

For your partner the only other thing I can think of, & you will probably have already discussed this, will be a surgical procedure. They can go into the testis and withdraw any sperm that may have been produced, with this even if they get just 1 sperm then ICSI is a possibility for you.

I can understand him not wanting to tell anyone. My DH said that if we needed to use a sperm donor that would be fine because no one would know it wasn't his child & he would love it just the same. Maybe this is how your partner is feeling?

I really hope you get some positive news soon x

[R_J_B-90 in reply to poochi]

It is horrible, everything is a constant reminder, I work with children so work offers no escape and I very much like talking to people about how I'm feeling but can't as I'm respecting his wishes for no one to know.

Because of the lateness of his corrective surgery he will have never produced any sperm so ICSI isn't even an option. Our options are sperm donor or adoption. He doesn't want anyone to know, because once we have child everyone will know it isn't his biologically. Since I have fertility issues its even more complicated than just the usual methods of insemination if we do use a donor.

Just having to go through the horrible process of test after test to confirm what we already know. It just seems so unfair.

I don't know how people cope and stay strong like you seem to be.

Thanks for talking to me, discussing it has helped me process it a bit more.

Hope things go well for you too.

[Vickal]

So sorry to hear this news. I have endo and my husband has a very low morphology and he was devastated when he found out and didn't want anyone to know. He said he felt like less of a man. I felt so helpless as nothing I said was any comfort to him.

If you do decide on donation or adoption remember that any fool can get someone pregnant but it's being a father that really makes a man If you've chosen to spend the rest of your life with him I'm sure you know he'll be a great dad.

Regarding talking about your tests and treatment, I've found it really difficult at times. On my worst days just someone asking if I was ok was enough to start me crying. When I'm not feeling up to talking I just say "thanks for asking but I really can't talk about it right now". Most people are really understanding of this. I have one friend who seems to think she's a counselor and won't stop probing me with questions until I'm crying and my mother in law is offended if we don't want to talk about test results etc. but the majority of people are understanding.

Talking about infertility can be a bit of a conversation stopper. I think people want to be understanding but just don't know what to say sometimes. When you get to that awkward silence I usually say "well I'm board of talking about it now so lets change the subject" and then ask someone else a question.

Good luck with your chosen route xx

[mrsga]

hi I am in same position here my husband only has 3 individual sperm