Ashamed to say... I'm ashamed


I'm having a meltdown today and needed to do something positive. It's triggered by 2 friends pregnancy announcements and tbh I don't know how much more I can take. Im constantly being pelted with everybody elses good news and although I'm happy for them I'm so so sad for me. My life has been overtaken by my inability to have a bablet. My emotions are high today so it's easy to describe. Most days I try to be positive and find a way of getting on with my life. I find a distractions and nice stuff to do and people to talk to that make me feel normal. But if I really think about it if been in a constant state of crap-ness for nearly 3 years.

My particulars: just turned 36. 3 years TTC. 2 miscarriages in the first year of TTC and nothing since. Absolutely nowt. I've had all the tests under the sun and nothing wrong. The next step our consultant has suggested is IVF and ive decided to go for it. I think. I'm scared. And ashamed. Which i realise is ridiculous.

I'm having huge problems dealing with my girlfriends who are oblivious to this situation as each of them have gotten pregnant in 5 seconds flat. Someone is always pregnant so so I have been putting on a brave face for probably 2 years - who needs a loser who brings misery when things are so different for them. They are too busy for me and have no idea of the pain I face every time I see them with their expanding families. Regardless of this I try and stay in regular contact. I try... but if I'm honest I don't think they are that bothered which of course is hurtful. They all have their own issues (such as picking children up / tiredness etc. sorry trying not to be facetious but it's hard. I use humour as a way of coping) we are all just on different paths and i understand that. I have tried in the past to open up about how I feel but as much as they say sympathetic things In the moment, they are no where to be seen most of the time. Every now and then I'll get a random message saying something like "I realise how difficult mothers day must be for you. Thinking of you xxx" and I want to ram the phone up their backside. Their intentions are good but they get it wrong every time.

Im so bored of this topic of conversation. I'm bored of myself. I'm bored feeling like this. I'm starting to become a person that's not being true to themselves. I want to ask for help from my friends and family but I don't want to be a burden or want pity. Regardless of what they all say the ones that know about my situ generally treat me differently.

Im putting on the bravest of faces and to most people my life is pretty great. That's because I make the most out of every situation. I'm cracking on whilst staying still. My girlfriends say things like "oh to be spontaneous like you!" I go along with it. "yes my life is just one big party. I love it. Anyone for a wine?" Secretly I've laid off the wine (mostly) for months. Another pleasure of mine denied because of this endless pursuit. I must point out I'm not guilty of having instafun (the fun everyone looks like they're having on Instagram). Im trying to stay off social media as its full of smugness. The reality is regardless of my facade I'm desperately miserable and lonely. I miss my friends. I miss that community and closeness. I miss the support and the journey we were all on together. The excitement of it all. I'm not on that journey and it's pretty rubbish. I don't get invited to some stuff because I don't have kids (I wouldn't want to go anyway apparently - dam right). I have expanded my friendships to some excellent new people who have been a pure delight. A relief. Thank god. And for this I'm grateful. I don't know what I would have done.

So... In all seriousness I would appreciate any advice because I honestly don't know what to do for the best. I don't want to lose these friends. They are really good people and have known me for many years. But right now Im not getting anything from the friendships and I feel like I'm putting all the effort in.

I'm going to finish on something positive. One of my friends* (not included in the above category) told me today that i was a beautiful amazing person who always puts other people first. It made me cry because im starting to believe im a failure. I've never been a failure at anything because I try so hard at everything I do. Friendships. Work. Making a beautiful home for me and the husband. This situation is therefore hitting me hard because for once there is eff all I can do about it.

*this person is a beautiful amazing person


21 Replies

  • Not surprised you're struggling. Pregnancy announcements can hit really hard.

    Try not to be so hard on yourself, easier said than done I know.

    I too have worked hard for everything else I've achieved and that approach doesn't make any difference with infertility. I have also been in the mindset of being fed up with being fed up.

    Listen to your friend, you are an amazing person. Perhaps at the present time you need to choose who can support you best. This doesn't mean dropping old friends totally. Other friends might not know how best to support you, they might think you're coping, so they might need some pointers from you. Not an easy conversation to have.

    I've also had 2 miscarriages. I've also had 2 failed ICSI cycles. My best friend told me she was pregnant less than 2 weeks after my first BFN, I was pleased for her but devastated for myself. Fortunately we were able to talk about it (and cry), I never felt she was ramming pregnancy stuff down my throat. She really wanted the treatment to work for us. I've had conversations with her about using donor eggs for our 3rd round.

    Have you thought about counselling? I've been using mindfulness techniques which seem to be helping. I still have times when I feel so useless and this forum is really supportive.

    I'm happy to PM you if you want.

  • Thank you. This makes total sense. The conversation with the pointers. Not sure where to start. It feels awkward. And I feel like I tried this already. If I try again and I get nothing back it will be hard for me to take again. Counselling - yes it helped. It helped me get perspective. Just had a hard blow today but I know I'll work through it. What option do I have.

    You are incredibly brave and I want to hug you. I'm been too scared to even to face up to reality and move into the next phase because I'm not even sure if I can cope with the result if it's not positive. How are you coping? xxx

  • I don't feel brave! I'm trying to cope the best I can with the situation. I saw treatment as giving us the best chance of getting pregnant, unfortunately it hasn't worked for us yet. It has been really hard and I have often felt like giving up but with time, support, counselling, lots of discussions with hubby we've got through it all. Father in law died too during our first attempt so we had that to deal with as well. Although it has been a very difficult few years it has bought us even closer together.

    Give yourself some time before making decisions on next steps. Keep your supportive friends and family around you as well as all the things you are doing to keep yourself healthy and to take care of you. It can be frustrating if you think of others a lot and they don't seem to be able to reciprocate in the way you'd like.

    You will be OK as you are brave.

    Big hugs.

  • I loved your essay. Thank you for reading mine. It is daunting. I need to make peace with it though because I can't have another three years of feeling like is. I do everything humanly possible to improve my wellbeing acupuncture, yoga, healthy eating, less alcohol, less caffeine, more exercise. I read some nonsense about necking cough medicine this month before ovulation so I've been on that too! Im a walking infertility instruction manual - i don't know what else I can do.

    How are you finding the clomid? Is it sending your head west? I didn't find it too bad but I know it can make you a bit crazy. IVF is a crazy place. I Can deal with all of the physical stuff the procedure the injections but it's the uncertainty I'm unsettled about. I just can't take anymore no's.


  • Hi Lulu_one, as pm27 says, this is an extremely difficult time, where you feel your life is on hold, and dealing with everyone else getting pregnant when it's the one thing you want. I have felt like this many times and when it got so bad I did see a counsellor, which helped. You've got nothing to be ashamed of, this isn't your fault. It is cruel and it hurts but this is not your fault.

    I think you need to make a judgement about what is best for you, who is best for you to talk to. You don't have to cut your other friends off, just hold back a little. If there is someone close you can talk to about it, that might help. It seems like you are doing the other things as a distraction. If you are finding it too hard, maybe seeking the help of a counsellor would be beneficial. I was scared when I first went, mostly because I thought she would judge me. In fact, she told me my reaction was normal and sometimes it's ok to distance ourselves from situations we don't like. But not forever.

    Take care. xx

  • Thanks you for your kindness. I'm ashamed that I don't feel I can achieve something that should be so natural. I have been to counselling and I told her I felt like I was being punished. I'm not sure what for. But I must have done something.

    I think I will distance myself. And try not to get jealous of the meet ups and the things I'll miss out on. it will be ok. I just need to fill that gap with the right people who can support me now.

    I hope you are ok. I don't know your story but every story is just as painful. I hope you have good friends you can talk to and keep you sane.


  • I too have felt like it was my fault and being punished but I don't think we are. it's completely unfair & heartbreaking though.

    We have been trying to conceive for nearly 3 years & had a failed ivf cycle. I've watched on as family members & friends have babies & felt so envious. But in all fairness they might have had a difficult time & just kept it secret. I've told only a few people which is hard at times because when I'm having a bad day nobody really knows why.

    I have learnt to look after myself. If I feel rubbish, I go for a scenic walk or watch some trashy TV! I now eat better & started doing more exercise.

    Best of luck xx

  • Lulu_one,

    Your post sums up what it's like for women living in our position perfectly. Unfortunately there is no magic answer. Infertility consumes your life, it's with you all day, every day, first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Yes, there are holidays, weekends away, parties, nights out and shopping trips but they don't bring the emotional fulfilment that having a family would. I feel like I've lost a lot of my old self in this horrible process. I can't remember the last time I laughed (I still have a little chuckle or smile) but I can't remember the last time I had a proper belly laugh and it makes me a bit sad 😞

    Much like you I have had all the tests and they have found nothing wrong. Reassuring but frustrating at the same time! As a result every month we had hope that it would be 'our time' and every month we were left with disappontment (and often the announcement of another pregnancy or birth!). When we started our IVF I felt sad that it had come to this as obviously we would all prefer to conceive naturally but I now see it as brining us one step closer to having our baby.

    The only other thing I would add is that I did quite a bit of counselling which really helped me process all of my feelings and (if you've not already done so) I would definitely recommend it (especially if you're not getting the support you need from family and friends).

    Good luck and take care x

  • You are so brave. Thank you for your post. I'm trying hard not to lose myself too. It's so important to keep laughing that's why I try and use humour as a way of coping. I guess there are a couple of positives we can take out of our new selves. I will never face anything so hard so geez throw anything at me. I can take it. Perspective is a powerful thing. And more importantly the value of your true friends. I can count them on one hand and I would literally chop it off for any of them.

    Keep on keeping on. All that shiz.


  • I don't feel one bit brave! Lol! Another postive is that I've realised the relationship I have with my hubby is way stronger than I ever thought. It has to be to get through this rubbish! x

  • Hi Lulu_one,

    Thank you for being honest and open and reaching out on here with how you are feeling. I'm having a particularly bad day and can relate to everything you are saying. Please take some comfort in the fact you are not alone, you are going through a terrible time but you are stronger than you realise and you will get through this. The friendship aspect is so hard and I too am feeling a big void open up between myself and friends. I think you just need to keep the main focus on you and your hubby and surround yourself with people who make you comfortable at this stage in your journey. You are not giving up or abandoning old friends, you are just having a little sanity break! I feel like infertility has put a strain on every area of my life and wonder when and how this roller coaster ride will end. I think I need to take the advice of all the lovely ladies who have written to you and arrange some counselling as I am close to a severe meltdown! This forum has been a huge comfort to me and I hope it helps you too and you feel supported on this journey. Like I said you are certainly not alone and I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed that things start to get easier and fall into place for you soon. Sorry to waffle on, sending love xxx

  • Hello. I'm sorry you're having a bad day too. It's dog dirt isn't it. I've just had a long conversation with one of my friends who is one of them people who just make sense and make you feel better so I'm feeling slightly less crazed. its mental how many people are affected by this and yet I don't know anyone in my circles. I know how I feel about telling people so I guess everyone just feels exactly the same. Me and hubby are having tough times too. It makes you question everything. But you are right. I need to focus on him. He is pretty amazing I take everything out on him and he mostly just deals with it. Poor love.

    I have been touched by everyone's kindness tonight so thank you. ❤️ X

  • I just want to give you a huge hug, this brought a tear to my eyes as I think anyone going through this can understand and I can totally relate to you. The second you decide you want a child, you think about it every day until it happens. But when is that date? You have no control over it and your just waiting and waiting for the unknown! I get frustrated as I wish people could understand and feel how I feel , It seriously takes over your whole life! I've distanced from my hubby's side due to bumps and babies, I don't want to be like this tho, I've come off Facebook and also had the message about Mother's Day! Who do people think they are sometimes?!

    Have you thought about counselling? This will be my next step if we are delayed any longer.

    I wish you lots of luck and sending hugs xx

  • Oh god! I didn't want to bring a tear to your eye! Yes counselling tried that and it helps but I find distraction helps more. I think I just need to bite the bullet now and go down the Ivf route. I've been stalling as I wanted to believe it's just a matter of waiting. but I think it's time now.

    Just spoke to my mum and got a bit upset. She's not really been great with the whole thing don't think she knows how to approach it. Instead she's been pretty good at focusing on my sister and her 1 year old. She told me to get some fresh air and see if the doctor could give me anything to cheer me up. FFS.


  • Oh no not what you want, people sometimes really don't know what to say!

    Don't feel ashamed to go down the Ivf route, although I get that too. Some of us just need a little help to get the same end result and do you know what, it will be so much more special as we've had to try so much harder to get there! Xx

  • Oh dear Lulu_one! My mum isn't great with the emotional stuff either. I don't think they want to believe how difficult it is for us because it's just too painful for them to see their little girls hurting and not be able to do a thing about it! x

  • Hello- a lot of what I'm about to write is tongue in cheek and designed to make you laugh so please don't take me too seriously. Here's the serious bit though- our infertility journey started almost at the same time as yours (Dec 2013) and I am now 10 weeks pregnant with twins after ICSI IVF. At the time I couldn't believe it had come to IVF, it was something that other people needed- not us. Anyway, now it's worked I don't give a damn that we needed IVF to get pregnant and am eternally grateful the science was out there to help us- anyone who wants to whisper behind their hands "they needed IVF to get pregnant" or "their children aren't 'natural'" are just idiots who should be ashamed of themselves and I'm grateful to the IVF experience for making these people easier to spot. A lot of my friends were supportive about our infertility in their own way, but I found that I was only comfortable around people who 'got it' and so distanced myself a bit and found a few IVF buddies- now I have more friends, both old and new, the old friendships did survive infertility- they just needed a bit of a space. Now, the jokey bit- there is a theory out there that stupid people breed more easily than clever people, from reading this forum it is full of intelligent, compassionate women- yourself included- so maybe there is something in this theory?!?

  • Well, wind the clock back and I could have written this myself. We had our whole journey through trying (I won't bore you with the details) but some of the things you said could have come out of my mouth. 1. NOBODY understands (if they haven't been through this) they say things like, it'll happen when the time is right, or when you least expect it, or when you stop trying so hard. Well newsflash - it never happened in all the years I didn't expect it, I wasn't trying this hard to begin with, and who decides when the time is right, oh, that would be me because it's my life, and still no baby!!! And 2. I was boring myself with how boring this was, it consumed me, it was alk I thought about, and I was bored of thinking about, I barely had the energy to put it into words. 3. I could listen to anyone elses baby news, I certainly didn't begrudge them their babt or their joy, I wasn't really even jelous I just wanted this so badly that it I was a physical pain as much as emotional one now, and I just couldn't taken it. 4. I was also terrified when we were referred for IVF, I wanted to do it so so badly, but I had this fear that once I had used this chace it was all over. Like if I kept that final card in my back pocket I always had a chance and some hope, but if I used it abd it still didn't work, wgat then, there was nothing left, not even my last glimmer of hope, then how would I get past this.

    What you are feeling is so natural in the situation you are in, it's so hard going through this. All I would say is give yourself every single chance that comes up, don't let fear win. And try to be kind to yourself. I think my biggest lesson in all of this is that the things that matter most are the things we have least control over, and that I had to accept that otherwise I'd drive myself crazy. Good luck lovely, wishing youvlove and strength.xx

  • Thank you for responding! You're so right about the final card thing. That's what I'm most scared of. What happens if it doesn't happen then. But I'm ready for the next phase now. I'm on it. I'm going for it. I was more scared of the decision I think xxx

  • I completely empathise with you. It's probably one of the worst situations anyone could go through. All I know is from the reading I've done is that it takes time and that woman who come through this are ok whatever the outcome whether we conceive, adopt or come to terms with being childfree. x

  • I'm so sad to hear your story. If I didn't know better it could have been about me.

    I'm so tierd, feeling so useless and low all the time. I brush it off with crap comments when people say hurtful things like "you better hurry up, you're running out of time" and "one day you'll be married etc etc." They have no idea of the failed IVF and multiple surgeries, months of TCM and countless days of pain, and not attending social gatherings 'when you know the conversation will be about families, children being a blessing etc'. I used to attend church until someone said "if I didn't have children it was my own fault and I probably wasn't supposed to have any". It's so hard when nobody really knows what the next person is going through and yet people are so quick with hurtful comments. Your friend sounds like a wonderful person. I too find it difficult to find anything positive in myself. Try to look forward each day. I know it's hard but knowing you're doing everything you can helps a little. Wishing you every happiness and success later. x

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