I'm having a meltdown today and needed to do something positive. It's triggered by 2 friends pregnancy announcements and tbh I don't know how much more I can take. Im constantly being pelted with everybody elses good news and although I'm happy for them I'm so so sad for me. My life has been overtaken by my inability to have a bablet. My emotions are high today so it's easy to describe. Most days I try to be positive and find a way of getting on with my life. I find a distractions and nice stuff to do and people to talk to that make me feel normal. But if I really think about it if been in a constant state of crap-ness for nearly 3 years.
My particulars: just turned 36. 3 years TTC. 2 miscarriages in the first year of TTC and nothing since. Absolutely nowt. I've had all the tests under the sun and nothing wrong. The next step our consultant has suggested is IVF and ive decided to go for it. I think. I'm scared. And ashamed. Which i realise is ridiculous.
I'm having huge problems dealing with my girlfriends who are oblivious to this situation as each of them have gotten pregnant in 5 seconds flat. Someone is always pregnant so so I have been putting on a brave face for probably 2 years - who needs a loser who brings misery when things are so different for them. They are too busy for me and have no idea of the pain I face every time I see them with their expanding families. Regardless of this I try and stay in regular contact. I try... but if I'm honest I don't think they are that bothered which of course is hurtful. They all have their own issues (such as picking children up / tiredness etc. sorry trying not to be facetious but it's hard. I use humour as a way of coping) we are all just on different paths and i understand that. I have tried in the past to open up about how I feel but as much as they say sympathetic things In the moment, they are no where to be seen most of the time. Every now and then I'll get a random message saying something like "I realise how difficult mothers day must be for you. Thinking of you xxx" and I want to ram the phone up their backside. Their intentions are good but they get it wrong every time.
Im so bored of this topic of conversation. I'm bored of myself. I'm bored feeling like this. I'm starting to become a person that's not being true to themselves. I want to ask for help from my friends and family but I don't want to be a burden or want pity. Regardless of what they all say the ones that know about my situ generally treat me differently.
Im putting on the bravest of faces and to most people my life is pretty great. That's because I make the most out of every situation. I'm cracking on whilst staying still. My girlfriends say things like "oh to be spontaneous like you!" I go along with it. "yes my life is just one big party. I love it. Anyone for a wine?" Secretly I've laid off the wine (mostly) for months. Another pleasure of mine denied because of this endless pursuit. I must point out I'm not guilty of having instafun (the fun everyone looks like they're having on Instagram). Im trying to stay off social media as its full of smugness. The reality is regardless of my facade I'm desperately miserable and lonely. I miss my friends. I miss that community and closeness. I miss the support and the journey we were all on together. The excitement of it all. I'm not on that journey and it's pretty rubbish. I don't get invited to some stuff because I don't have kids (I wouldn't want to go anyway apparently - dam right). I have expanded my friendships to some excellent new people who have been a pure delight. A relief. Thank god. And for this I'm grateful. I don't know what I would have done.
So... In all seriousness I would appreciate any advice because I honestly don't know what to do for the best. I don't want to lose these friends. They are really good people and have known me for many years. But right now Im not getting anything from the friendships and I feel like I'm putting all the effort in.
I'm going to finish on something positive. One of my friends* (not included in the above category) told me today that i was a beautiful amazing person who always puts other people first. It made me cry because im starting to believe im a failure. I've never been a failure at anything because I try so hard at everything I do. Friendships. Work. Making a beautiful home for me and the husband. This situation is therefore hitting me hard because for once there is eff all I can do about it.
*this person is a beautiful amazing person