Don’t know what to do....😢

[72cloud9]

Hi Guys, it’s been a while, about a year to be exact.I’ve been reading but not commenting, not sure why, just had to stay out the loop for a bit! I’m sorry for those still struggling on and thrilled for those who got their miracles all the same.

My last failed ivf was April 17 and now I’m 46, donor egg would be the only realistic option. At the end of last year my partner said he didn’t want to try any more.We agreed to try and have a normal life for 6 months and discuss again. I really thought he was persuadeable but I have just discovered he is still of same mind set. We are now barely speaking.

I don’t know if I should be mad at him or not as sometimes I find myself thinking would life just be easier now to not put ourselves thru all this again, to just live? But at the same time I think how can he deny me the chance to try to be a mum? Will I ever get past this?

[emu2016]

Hey you. Good to see you here. I recall the pain of hubby just not seeming to engage. Can you approach it by maybe going away to try and have conversations naturally and relaxed rather than fitting in to every day life? x

[72cloud9 in reply to emu2016]

Hi thanks Emu, I read your updates with interest, u write so well and have really been thru the mill, hoping this is your time x

We just don’t talk well at all, he says he doesn’t want to do it and I say well where does that leave me? And then we don’t speak.

Would love to get away but not really viable at the moment (I’m a dog sitter so just coming in to my busiest time) and don’t think it would help the conversation-we r normally what I consider a strong couple but talking about stuff like this not a great strength of ours 😢

[emu2016 in reply to 72cloud9]

It might be worth you asking your hospital for some support on talking it through. You can’t go on not talking it through. We’re all here for you xx

[72cloud9 in reply to emu2016]

Ah bless u,I’d love to but last clinic we used was Greece who gave me a shot with my own eggs, the UK clinic b4 were awful! I think what ever we do now therapy wise will be have to seperate as don’t think the clinics abroad offer anything like that.

OH seems to think everything ok as I cooked dinner like normal & he just questioned why I’m not sleeping in with him tonite.?!!!?! U would think he might fathom that :3 days ago He told me he isn’t gonna help us to have a baby!!!😡

[vic77]

hey hun..so sorry this is happening to you..really not easy. I guess you are now really at a point where you need to decide if kids are a realistic option.you know the pain of ivf and no guarantees..living life without kids is not easy to accept as I trying to think this through as looking more and more like this may be us and whilst we really want to be parents we want to live life, take nice holidays be spontaneous..both which are easier without children. I guess what you both have to do is communicate and agree a way forward. I always feel that your relationship needs to be solid before ivf as during the process it is certainly rocked and if successful and you have a child then your relationship will be tested again so needs to be in a good place if that makes sense. how was your 6 months living without ivf?is he able to say why he doesn't want to go again? and if so can you understand his reasons?is it fear?my dh 8s opposite I think he would have me keep going and going like a machine sometimes😂what about other options eg fostering, adoption? have you tried counselling to resolve this? not easy at all and my heart goes out to you it really does as agreeing when to stop is never easy..here anytime if you want to chat xxx

[72cloud9 in reply to vic77]

Thanks for your reply honey, I know u are dealing with your own stuff so appreciate u taking the time.its really ended up being 12 months without ivf and about 8 months of that where we did not speak of it.i think the money bothers him (which is bulls**t as I saved it all anyway) but he says he doesn’t think he can go thru it again-when I say 60% chance of success as opposed to less than 5% when we tried with my eggs he doesn’t seem to register that. He says I promised I wouldn’t be one of ‘these women’ (typical male perspective!!😡) that keeps going and going ...that I promised I would know when to stop. But I’m not asking to keep trying the same thing am I? I’m asking to try a new route.

Adoption is a no from him with no discussion to be had which sucks as I would have gone straight down that route without any ivf and then I would’ve been young enuf still.

If we actually had a more exciting lifestyle I maybe could even b more accepting of his decision, like u said, travel, be spontaneous but we don’t do anything much!!😩😂

U r lucky hubby so supportive to keep trying.

Maybe I should look in to counselling but I don’t know if he will even agree to that x

[vic77 in reply to 72cloud9]

Oh hun not easy at all....I don't know what to say as if he won't shift there isn't much you can do it seems about changing his mind. ..my heart breaks for you. throughout this whole process communication is key and reaching joint decisions where possible. ..compromise is so hard when you want something so much ..sending love xxx

[72cloud9 in reply to vic77]

Thank u hun, will keep u posted and I will keep watching out for your posts in the hope to hear good news xxx

[Hidden]

Hey Hun

I feel your pain, and sorry that your last round failed it so so pants and soul destroying 🙁

This journey eat you up bit by bit and as for relationships even the strongest relationship struggles to survive unfortunately what was normal becomes hard, what’s was easy becomes a task life changes both parties but we will always feel cheated.

Sorry hubby isn’t choosing to give you this one last shot it’s hard and you don’t know where to go....

It’s accepting life as is that’s hard am in the same boat although he hasn’t said no to go number 8 it’s not a yes....

I hope it works out for you sweet

Big hugs 🤗

[72cloud9 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks honey, I know it’s been tough times for u 2 and I’m sure your hubby will be on board for another try when u feel up to it!!

I really thought he would be persuadable on this and I don’t want this without him but I worry I will resent him if he denies me this.

I was hoping I might feel relieved if he said no, then I would know that I’m done to but I just feel numb x

[Cinderella5]

Hey you, its been a while! I always wonder how you are doing, so sad to hear that things arent going so well. Sorry to hear that your OH hasnt come round the idea of DE. Have you tried counselling? I know you've said that you cant talk to your OH to talk but maybe if you went along together with the idea of trying to more forward in life that it would allow you to explore what he was thinking or his reasoning behind things and you can discuss DE openly....or maybe he has already said. One of my friends has had to cease treatment for financial reasons. I helped her to set up some counselling for herself to try to help her move forward as she was in quite a dark place which she does feel helped although it hasnt helped her move forward entirely, just to cope better. I do wonder where this journey may take me and my OH sometimes. I recently brought up adoption to him and that's apparently a straight no now which I was surprised at as he hasnt ever said that before and the goal posts seem to move the longer we do this. Sending huge hugs.xxx

[72cloud9 in reply to Cinderella5]

Hi hun, thanks for your lovely reply when I know u have so much going on.i always see u offering great support to all the group as u did with me when I was last on here so long ago.

He has just said he can’t go thru it again even tho I’ve trued to explain this would be a new process so it’s not ‘again’

He hasn’t said but I’m not sure if he isn’t a little freaked out that it wouldn’t be my egg.ive heard some men are weirded out by the fact their sperm is put with a strangers egg. He just keeps saying he’s sure it won’t work.

I really feel for your poor friend, finances has got to b the most frustrating reason to have to stop trying!! Bless u for supporting her thru it.

Yes I think u r absolutely right we do need some guidance on how to talk it thru or if he’s not willing I maybe need some myself to work out my feelings.X

[Cinderella5 in reply to 72cloud9]

Awww that's so lovely of you to say. After all the help I had at the start its the least I can do!

I can sympathise to a certain extent that that thought of having to go through more treatment is difficult for your OH. I do think that he has shut the door rather quickly on the thought of DE though. He maybe is a bit weirded out at the thought of it not being your eggs, I guess there could be lots of reasons that are putting him off but it makes it difficult when he wont discuss it. In some ways he is right, it may not work but I guess the whole not knowing is what you are struggling with. Would you be willing to accept things if a cycle of DE didnt work? Could you perhaps say that if you could have one go then you could put it to bed? I wonder if he thinks its going to be never ending as it does affect day to day life whether we want it to or not. I saw in you post above he thinks you dont know when to stop so perhaps saying one go at DE would be enough if that's the case of course!

Is he a bit looser tongued if he's had a drink? I know that this sounds bad but at the start when we started treatment my hubby was a bit of a closed book (still can be sometimes) however if I can catch him when he's had a few drinks he's more willing to open up.....just an idea?!

We got given the whole 5% chat at our last review but we had already decided to try DE and of course it still hasnt worked for us....yet! We have laid out limits of when we will stop although I understand that is easier said than done. Anyhoo, sorry for the essay....Im rambling a bit! If you need a chat or anything then you know where I am, thinking of you!xx

[72cloud9 in reply to Cinderella5]

I think a drink maybe a good idea.im also considering writing him a letter as maybe I can explain myself better when I can pace myself instead of blurting our all my thoughts b4 I start crying.we r still not really speaking as I’ve been so angry so will wait til I feel less aggressive b4 trying this approach. I’m not even sure that it’s DE itself that he is saying no to or just the whole process but he certainly doesn’t know enuf about DE to make such a judgement call.

I think suggesting one go as a compromise might be a good suggestion altho I think I’d know that if there are more embryos I would want to at least use all of them but I know if it didn’t work I would not consider trying another donor or more goes.i think if it didn’t work I would be sad but I could make peace with a different life than I’d planned.plus financially we couldn’t do more anyway.

Thank u for such great advice.i hope things work out for you, I really do and I will keep following to check your progress. Xxx

[Cinderella5 in reply to 72cloud9]

Well I think you have come up with a idea. A letter would be a great way to explain everything, and take your time to write it to make sure you cover everything. When I said one go I did mean one cycle which of course covers all embryos, I think it would be very hard to leave any embryos behind if you havent been successful so I think you would have to say this but it is a new start/journey which cant be compared to your OE cycles.

Thanks for your kind words too, I need to be more patient which is difficult but hoping that we get there one day of course!xx

[littlebeastshaya]

hello there. How are you doing? hope you are in your best health. Infertility is such a big issue. I mean couples just break because of it. I really wish a world without it. I can understand your pain. Couple chemistry needs to be really good to make such a thing work. I think you need to talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. I am sure he will listen to you. You are 46y/o. you've guys been together so long and am happy for you. You can get through this. I believe in you. Best of Luck. My prayers are with you.

[72cloud9 in reply to littlebeastshaya]

Thank u for your lovely kind message, I find it really hard to tell him how I feel even after 15 years!! I’m thinking I may put pen to paper as I can take my time then to explain how I feel without emotions getting in the way, thank u for your prayers & I wish u luck in your journey to x

[littlebeastshaya in reply to 72cloud9]

Hello there. Hope you are doing fine. That is great. I am glad that you decided to do this. It really takes a lot of courage. I commend you for doing it. He will definitely understand. He loves you. Take care. Lots of love

[Kari55]

I’m terribly sorry that things has turned out that way for you. It must be extremely hard to stand at the end of the journey... I once read a quote by Tracey Cleantis: “I don’t want to kill your dreams; I just don’t want your dreams to kill you.” She has been through infertility herself, lost a lot of money on treatment and her relationship ended. I haven’t read the book but the quote made me think and reminded me that we only live once. If we live life constantly thinking of what is missing in it then I guess it will be miserable. I hope that you and your husband can find each other again and find a new way forward to have enjoyable life together. I wish you all the best xx

[72cloud9]

I love that quote, it’s amazing!! I may get her book.Yes I fear I have wasted nearly 5 years now with this hanging over us and no baby to show for it-maybe part of my reasoning to keep trying.

Thank u so much for your supportive words! I wish u the best to and to your husband who I see has been poorly.this is not an easy road even in great health so I wish u both strength x

[littlebeastshaya]

Hello there. Hope you are doing fine. That is great. I am glad that you decided to do this. It really takes a lot of courage. I commend you for doing it. He will definitely understand. He loves you. Take care. Lots of love