Help with colleague

[BettyBe]

I suppose I need to get this off my chest and fathom whether I’m being unreasonable… I recently went through an ectopic pregnancy and having been trying to come to terms with the fact that I may need my tubes removed - if I want to continue with ivf (suspected hydrosalpinx and blocked tubes) or if this is the end of the road for us.

My work know about the situation, as I had to tell them for the amount of time I’ve had off.

Work colleague, who I am friends with, has recently started trying for a baby, which I’m happy for. She’s tried for one week and fell pregnant straight away, which although happy for made me feel upset and gutted (couldn’t help it although I didn’t let on). She kept texting me images of her pregnancy tests etc. and how excited they all were. I told her that I do support her but this is very difficult for me with all I am going through at the moment, which she is aware, and she said she understood.

Now she keeps texting me that now she’s seen a small amount of blood. I was supportive again as I know how that feels but I have been having anxiety and a pain in my chest since she told me. I now feel depressed as if she’s emotionally dumping on me. I’ve told her already and don’t want to ruin the friendship but what do I do? I’m

back at work today and I just feel like crying. I don’t even want to see her… it’s just brought everything I’ve tried to heal come crashing back down, I was in a good place recently … 😢

[Bteeldla]

Gosh that's so hard. After my ectopic pregnancy three of my work colleagues quickly fell pregnant and I found being around then just excruciating. The only way I could cope was keeping my distance from them as much as possible. Luckily they aren't close friends of mine so I don't think they really noticed ( I didn't share what I had been through with many at work), but if you're friends with this girl that's much trickier. It sounds like she is bring a bit insensitive and doesn't understand what you're going through. Could you enlist the help of someone else from work? Perhaps ask them to buddy up with her a bit and shield you from it?

[BettyBe in reply to Bteeldla]

Thank you, problem is that I’m her only close friend at work! I’ve been there a lot longer so I know a lot more people but she doesn’t. My instinct is to avoid and just be civil when I have to be until I’m able to deal with it but it’s the personal messages through text that’s getting me… it’s like there’s no escape. Thank you for your support and sorry for what you went through 🌺 xx

[Rain415]

Hi Betty Be, I'm sorry to hear about your eptopic. If I'm honest when reading about your collegue I automatically thought - avoid her. You have been honest with her about what is going on and she is still using you to dump her feeling on about her pregnancy its a bit odd. I understand you don't want tobruin the friendship but you can't carry on like this. Personally I would take a step back but still respond and be friendly just not be her crutch your mental health and well being is more important x

[BettyBe in reply to Rain415]

Thank you, I just wanted to put the feelers out that I’m not being reasonable. I think avoidance is best and being civil. I don’t want to take away her happiness but I don’t want to be the emotional support either xx

[Ladybugluck in reply to BettyBe]

You are being completely reasonable. You told her how you felt and set a boundary and she’s not respecting it. She’s taking advantage of you (although I’m sure unintentionally), but you are paying a price for it. Honestly I read your story and cringed. She’s being so insensitive! Of being direct didn’t work, I’d try to pull back and not respond and if she pushes you on it tell her again that you just can’t be the friend she goes to with this stuff right now. It’s not right that she’s putting you in a position to compromise your own mental health. Space sounds like the healthiest thing.

[BettyBe in reply to Ladybugluck]

Thank you, I think that’s what I’ll go with - being honest and kind to myself. I found out today that she has a friend who is a midwife and doctor friends also, so she does have a very appropriate support network to fall back on. Thank you for the reassurance xx

[Ladybugluck in reply to BettyBe]

it's taken me a lot of work with my therapist to understand how and when to set boundaries to protect myself. its not my strength and I can honestly say I'm a better friend and spouse when I set the boundaries and stick to them. She has other friends she can talk with, you do not owe her anything. Also she's a work college, not your sister or best friend!? I'm surprised people in here aren't recognizing that protecting your mental health is SO important for you during this time.

[BettyBe in reply to Ladybugluck]

Thank you Ladybugluck, I guess some people may have big enough hearts to grieve and help at the same time.

I’m glad that setting boundaries for you has helped in all aspects in life. I feel I’ve had a better response from situations when I’ve been honest, it helps life a weight - something I need to work on. Thank you 🌺 xx

[Ivfgotadream]

It’s a tough one - I’ve been there - I had two ectopics and lost both tubes (and lots of miscarriages) and it seemed like the whole time I was always surrounded by friends/ family/colleagues who were getting pregnant ridiculously easy

I guess you need to ask yourself if her bleeding did end up being a miscarriage how would you feel? Guilty that she reached out to perhaps the only other person who could maybe understand her fears/anxiety but was rebuffed?

Due to my history I always seemed to be the “go to” person for everyone with bleeding/loss of symptoms etc. It could be triggering sometimes but I also felt that at least something good could come from the absolute shit journey I went through if I could make it at least a bit easier for someone else by supporting them x

[BettyBe in reply to Ivfgotadream]

Thank you for another perspective… I guess I’m finding it hard as my boundaries have been crossed. After requesting some distance it felt a bit insensitive to tell me it only took a week to conceive. I’m hoping she is ok and don’t wish anything to happen to her pregnancy, as we all know how that feels on this site. Guess if i had more time to heal, I’d be stronger to talk about it xx

[Mellyboo111]

Sorry to hear about your loss. But i think i have a different veiw on the situation than these ladies. Its obvious the girl look to you as a true friend because no way a person will share their pregnancy journey with just a coworker. She had a bleeding scare and she obvious didn't have anyone to talk to but you. I wouldn't say she is inconsiderate its just that she might genuinely dont have close friends so she share with you. I know the ivf journey brings sadness but you cant let it consume you to the point that you cant have a happy social life or just be happy for others around you. My first ivf didnt work and although i felt sad i didn't let it consume me or take me away from have joy for my friends and family member who all fell pregnant after my fail ivf. My Facebook was flood with friends announcing pregnancy including my sister who i attend her baby shower. After attending her baby shower and sharing in her joy in feb my ivf transfer in March work. My point is just try hard to be happy for others , you feeling a bit jealous is natural but dont ruin friendship along the way in the process.

[BettyBe in reply to Mellyboo111]

Thank you for your perspective. I am happy for her - just being honest that I’m finding it hard and want to protect my own mental health… not that I can’t be happy for anyone else.

I do think it is insensitive to announce a very early pregnancy in the same conversation where I’ve just disclosed my pregnancy loss … I guess if I’m honest, I’m questioning the friendship… but you’re right, everyone can try to be kinder 🌺

[Mellyboo111 in reply to BettyBe]

Yes, you have to protect your mental health but inorder to do that you might have to lock yourself away from the world because just a show, a friend or family will say something which they dont mean any harm and it trigger you. Cry if you have to but i honestly believe staying away from friends and family will only make you lonely and isolated .And after this process is all over you might push away the people who truly cares for you. They wont understand what you are going through but everytime you feel like they are triggering something inside you, take the moment to tell them how you feel instead of avoid the person overall. But in the end its up to you and how you feel best to handle the situation

[BettyBe in reply to Mellyboo111]

You’re right about isolation and avoidance having a negative impact in the long run. I can’t hide but I can try and be nice and just get on with work… we don’t socialise outside of work which makes things easier.

I think I am more hurt that I opened up about how I felt and it was disregarded. I mentioned my trigger points only to keep receiving pictures / texts. I’ll talk to her once she’s in a better place - if the need arises

[smarties85]

Being a supportive friend shouldn’t be at a detriment to your well-being and sometimes due to bad timing it just can’t be you to support that person.I had to be open and say that to a colleague who I was friends with and she completely took the funnies but I stand by it.she knew what horrors I’ve experienced and had plenty of other support options so had she have thought about my feelings she wouldn’t have expected it to come from me.only you can put your boundary in place and if you don’t feel up to supportive g her right now,that’s okay xxxx

[BettyBe in reply to smarties85]

Thank you, I guess I’m feeling bad about reiterating my boundaries after mentioning them already. I’ll be honest and kind with her once she’s in a better place, if I need to, and hopefully the openness will lead to a better friendship / understanding. If it doesn’t then at least I’ve been authentic and will just get on with my job and be civil xx

[Squareark]

Oh dear, I'm so sorry to hear, this is such a tricky and unfortunate situation. I don't know your coworker, but my mom has a habit of sharing the worst news about herself if she feels like her friends are going through a rough time. While I think she means for it to be comforting, it comes across rather poorly (as you can imagine). So my take on this is that your coworker may 1) be scared about the bleeding and 2) feel bad about sharing her good news want to make up for it by sharing some bad news.

All this means is that while you are totally right to ask for a bit of time/space (I believe that you need to take care of yourself first, especially through this rough journey), perhaps recognize that she is potentially 1) also scared and 2) trying to reach out in her own way. I think this may make her seem less annoying and self-centered (at least that's how I originally felt about people who kept shoving their good news in my face), and more like a friend who's trying to reach out.

[BettyBe in reply to Squareark]

Thank you for your perspective, I hope she doesn’t feel that bad news might cheer me up, as I feel awful if that’s the case. I hope her pregnancy goes well and I’ll get over myself and get on with it. I can’t hide from her for her whole pregnancy and don’t want to ruin her happiness. I just want a bit of space for a while, like you mentioned, so I can come back better / more level headed 🌺

[Squareark in reply to BettyBe]

You sound like such a kind and level-headed person, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this journey. I hope that the journey gets easier for you! Take care of yourself and I hope that there is a rainbow at the end of this.

[BettyBe in reply to Squareark]

Thank you for your kind words 💖 xx

[Runcaptain]

BettyBe I know oh so we’ll that heavy feeling in the chest. The anxiety pressing down. Tbh it frightens me & I do everything I can to avoid those ‘triggers’, the main one being my SIL. After my own recent miscarriage I can’t bare to look at/hear about the joys of my SIL’s 3rd baby. Call me selfish, call me jealous, I don’t agree, I’m grieving & it sounds like you are too. You have every right to protect your own mental health & quite frankly you need to in order to navigate this journey. Anxiety is not something you can pack up and ignore nor do you choose to feel.I don’t think your colleague understands how difficult this is for you. Just protect yourself and worry about consequences when you are better placed to do so. X

[BettyBe in reply to Runcaptain]

Thank you, that is how I feel - a heavy lump on my heart that tightens when triggered / puts a cloud over me / heart starts racing. I didn’t think of it as grieving but it really feels that way…

I’m so sorry for what you are going through, it must be so hard. At least I only see my colleague at work. I hope things get better for you and you find peace and time to heal too. Thank you for your message, they have all really helped to put things into perspective 🌺 xx