For our second IVF cycle we’ve been pretty open about our experience, we were being filmed for a documentary and while I didn’t post every little detail on Instagram and Facebook, I had given just general updates which I did for my and hubby’s benefit more than anything else.
I got a message from someone I used to work with, she sent me private messages to ask how I was and that she was thinking of me and then last night she messaged me to tell me that moving forward I should keep everything to ourselves with anything TTC or IVF related and I didn’t know what to say or how to respond and I felt like I had to justify why we had made the decision to be open about our IVF journey, if she didn’t want to know or it made her uncomfortable she should have unfollowed or I friended me, I wouldn’t have taken any offence.
Has anyone else been told to keep their IVF or infertility experiences to themselves?
I’m now starting to wonder if anyone else thinks this and I don’t know if I should say anything, it’s not like I’m giving daily updates on my cycle and constantly posting negative pregnancy tests every month 🙈
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Sarah_a_2018
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What a weird thing for your friend to say. It's really not up to him / her whether or not you share your journey. Not enough people talk about it openly - I am one of them. I find it hard to talk about anything in general. But I really like how others are so open as it helps everyone. Perhaps something has happened in your friends life to make this statement. Whatever has happened you should definitely not feel bad. Xx
Hey, it's your life and you should do whatever you want to do. No one should tell you to stop. I think your reply was good. Its everyone's personal choice. Some want to keep it to themselves while others want to tell. I dont think there is a problem with that. For example, I just went through an IVF process I told my friends and family members because apart from that I dont have anyone. Also, I am not a very social person. So I dont even know what to post. However, there are women who will probably be waitig for your updates. Because they are helping them out. Therefore, do what you feel is right. Dont let negativity get to your way. Good luck to you. I hope things go well.
Wow. To be honest the more people that have the confidence to talk about it.. the better! How very strange. You're right to wonder if this is the case for those reading your updates as it's certainly not something I would have ever considered however you're right! She could just defriend you.. She could also mind her own business and leave you to continue doing what you feel to be best during this tough tough time! Either way, please don't let it put you off what you're doing. It's important us ladies get the courage to talk openly and honestly about the situation. Something that I'm still working up to - you should be proud that your happy and confident enough to do it so well done lovely xx
Sorry you received a negative reaction - makes me wonder what is going on for her as to why she would say this??? Also, will you be able to share the documentary with us? Well done for being open and taking part, sounds like a fantastic thing to do! I’m very open and honest about my ivf journey with all my family, friends and colleagues and have found being open and sharing my experience very helpful for the support and understanding I get back x
Thanks Scarlett13 still doing the last few bits of filming and then it’s all being edited for airing on BBC 1 later this year, it was meant to be aired in August but I think the producer wants to air it during infertility week but will let you know when it’s out, it’s called Making Babies xx
I’ve shared a lot of my journey on Facebook to try to get friends and family to understand the pain of infertility, the physical side of treatment, the heartache of loss, because I was sick of the (mostly well meaning) ignorance. Never once has anyone said I should keep it to myself (at least not to my face) but I do know that I’ve bored some people, upset some people (talking about the miscarriages I’ve had) and been unfollowed, maybe even removed but you know what? I don’t care! I’m proud of everything my Hubby and I have been through to get where we are. You should be bloody proud too! Hold your heads up high and keep up the good work! People know where the unfollow button is, no one forces them to read on so stuff them! I for one would be happy to follow your journey xx
Love this! Just wanted to say 'You go girl!' Awareness raising is so important. Well done for being brave enough to do it. Ignorance is everywhere on this subject unfortunately xx
Yes!!! Massive round of applause to you too. Couldn't agree more with everything you've said. Thank you for being so open and honest and raising awareness of the pain (mental and physical) that we have been through. Let people unfollow you. They weren't friends anyway! You should be very proud xx
Thanks everyone, the reason I shared and was more open was because I needed to, people just don’t understand and I needed to connect with people who were going through a similar experience, and everyone (apart from this so called friend) has been supportive and encouraging, everyone has respected that we’ve shared and seem to genuinely care, I’ve just found it hard to talk to my family because they don’t understand what we’re going through and I feel like a failure, we were thinking that for our frozen transfer we weren’t going to tell anyone but we need support from the people around us and there are women that have approached me to tell me that they’re going through ivf or waiting to start IVF and have asked for advice and thanked me for sharing because even when they can’t, it makes them feel less alone, and even at work I spoke to a lady where her daughter is waiting to go for IVf but me talking to her about my experience has helped her to understand that she can better support her daughter and now I’m friends with her daughter! It helps me knowing that my posts can help people to understand and if it helps people who are going through the same thing feel a little less alone, then I’ve achieved what I set out to do in the first place and will continue to post what I want! Xxx
It's your IVF journey and you do what works for you. I think your brave for putting it out there. I for one am so grateful to those that write on this forum and try to make infertility issues a public thing. Why should we hide in the shadows as shamed women? I seriously disagree with your "friend". She has no idea how lonely this experience is. I would just ignore her message altogether. You don't have time in your life for her issues. It's possible your tapping into something that's hard for her
I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again... ‘Opinions are like ar$eh0les - everyone’s got one’. What you’re doing is marvellous, but when you open yourself up and share, unfortunately some people see your ‘sharing’ as a green light to share what they think too. It’s just part of the process. Sadly, not everyone will wholeheartedly always agree with everything you’re doing... it’s just life.
I had a friend who wanted to share every gory element of her miscarriage. Of course I was sad and had empathy for her, but I couldn’t cope with hearing EVERYTHING whilst I was going through IVF, I felt knowing that stuff would invite it in to my life. So I asked her not to tell me any more. She found it tricky, but hopefully it hasn’t damaged our friendship.
Don’t take it personally. You’re doing a great job xxx
Firstly - well done for you getting filmed for the documentary whilst going through for ivf journey. I wouldn’t be strong enough to do this but I think it’s so important to get the message out there. I’ve been trying in other ways with closer friends.
You have every right to share on Facebook or wherever, if she doesn’t like it, she can mute it (that’s what I do when people post too many pics of their kids 😂). I only wonder whether she’s saying it as advice to protect you in some way - i.e - has she gone through something similar and regrets being open? I was more open on first cycle and felt pretty let down by my friends when it didn’t work out, so I shut more people out second time around - for my mental health over anything else. I just wondered whether she was coming from a similar place and she’s trying to protect you. But if not then really she can’t tell you what you can & cant post - do what you’re comfortable with - we need more of you who are able to talk about your experiences on IVF to inform people, break the stigma and dispel myths 🙏
Hi Sarah, to give this friend the benefit of the doubt she may be genuinely trying to protect your feelings by encouraging this so you don’t have to answer loads of queries from others who want an update on where you’re at. BUT I am someone who believes that we should be more open about the challenges we face with infertility. I applaud you for being part of this documentary, I’m sure it will help others when it is released. Do what you feel is best for you and your family. We’re all just trying to get through these terribly tough periods in our life. We all do it differently and that’s ok. Good luck with the documentary but most of good luck with your treatment xx
Hi Sarah_a_2018. What a strange thing to say for a friend. Most friends would be supportive and think that you are a strong open person willing to share such a delicate part of your journey. We have only told about 5 people and that is because I didn’t want people knowing my business. I had two failed rounds and I’m glad I kept it private as dealing with a fail it’s so hard and I don’t want to have to explain anyone how I feel. I don’t need their sympathy or them telling me that they understand how hard it is because in the end of the day if you haven’t been through it you can’t possibly understand it. Sorry if I sound harsh.
Wishing you all the best. X
You should be so proud of yourself - to be open and confident about sharing your experience, your loss and hope is very impressive.
I can’t even talk to anyone. I feel so much shame which just increases fertility taboos. I have literally locked myself away.
I wish I had your confidence and courage to own my fertility challenges and create awareness.
Ignore your friend. You are speaking up for all of us. Thank you x
Hmmm this is a mighty strange one, I cant really get my head around why this person thinks its ok to push her opinions on you....Ive read your message a couple of times and still just dont get it. To be honest, I'd love you to tell her to p!ss off and mind her own business but I dont suppose that is very nice either! Ha ha ha I think it's very brave for any of us to share our journey and even more so knowing that you are being filmed...... if people dont want to know then as you say just dont ask about it....simples! Not sure if I have an sensile advice for the so called friend.....maybe just delete her, Im sure she'll get the message!xx
Wow! I was absolutely outraged to just read this. Words completely fail me. Firstly I would like to applaud you for being so open and honest about your experiences and doubtless you will be helping others (like me) who do not necessarily feel able. I have an anonymous instagram account, as well as my personal one, that I use for fertility related posts. I follow lots of inspirational people going through a similar journey to me and it helps me no end to read about the journeys of others. Also lots of posts pick me up when I'm feeling down. I'm sure you are inspiring and educating lots of people with your journey. IVF and infertility is just not talked about enough, which adds to people's isolation and loneliness when they are going through it. The only way forward on that one is for people to start talking about it and we've seen a big increase in the media of people starting to discuss it. Well done Michelle Obama for a start!
Please don't let this person stop you in any way. What you post on your social media is / should be of no concern of hers. Like you say, if she doesn't like it then she can mute you or unfollow you. I can't think of a positive /logical reason why she would have given that advice. You also don't need to justify your decision to her. Please don't feel that other people feel the same way.
I would be so interested to follow your story. If you would like some positive followers then please feel free to let me know your instagram and I would be happy to follow you (although completely understand if you'd rather not share). Either way I wish you all the very best with your journey and continue doing what you are! I can't thank you enough for raising awareness on behalf of all couples who are struggling.
1. Colleagues at work saying I should not say at work what I am doing as management will not consider me for promotion (told them I’m not worried / it’s not my priority right now, but they kept their view).
2. Another colleague is doing ivf. She started first and did initially other procedures. I did only ivf, but it took longer to get there due to some health issues. We discussed some things during the last months, but not frequent updates. We did our first cycle recently around the same time (without knowing until she approached me after ET) and mine was successful, her’s was not. She does not want to talk too much, but asks me things from time to time to then usually stop me half way through, saying that she does not want to know additional details. She seems upset and looking for answers why she didn’t succeed. We are at different clinics, had some differences in the protocol and ET. I decided not to tell her anything anymore, unless she asks and then keep calm when she stops me (this bothers me).
Far better to be open about it than post cryptic messages just to get attention. As others posters say, your posts might be helping some people. You're not doing this for a selfish reason. Keep being open and honest. Don't let someone else's negativity affect who you are
It’s very clear that this person has some issues in their life relating to fertility, maybe miscarriage, or a family member going through fertility issues. Whatever the reasoning, it isn’t for us to judge them. It is strange for them to confront you with it though. I would simply say that you didn’t mean to upset or offend them and you won’t hold it against them if they choose to unfollow you (maybe tell them how to do it incase they don’t know). Then end the message pleasantly and walk away. Don’t get caught up in the drama of her issues. It’s not up for debate what you choose to share about your journey and none of us going through this should have to cope with any unnecessary additional stress.
I think this is shocking that a friend said that to you.and i think it is a wonderful and brave thing to do putting your life and your journey out there for people how may not be getting all the information they need and having people telling ther stories can help and give people hope and support in their journeys i just wish that more people can open up with out being judged buy uther people that don't understand what its like to be in our shoes i don't have time for people like that so i cut them off its there los. Just remember you have done an amazing thing putting it out there and i bet if one or two people say that you helped them in some way it will be worth it all the best with your journey and dot let someone make you feel bad for doing a good thing xxx
Unless she is struggling to get pregrant herself I feel her comments were totally uncalled for. A friend is someone who you should feel comfortable speaking to about anything and I feel in turn a true friend would ask you about your journey to check you coping ok. As for you taking part in a documentary, I personally would like to thank you.... It's sometimes difficult getting honest opinions when it comes to ivf..people tend to always tell you "oh I heard of a girl who got pregrant first round"and all the good stories as if it's a magical cure n works for everone... No one ever sits there and tells you how crap it feels on the medication or even worse when things fail...so I am very greatfull to people like you and your partner, your doing something very positive, that will bring you both closer as a couple. ( Perhaps it's jealousy on your friends behalf too! That you have a good relationship) I wish you all the best... And please keep us updated on when documentary will be airing
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