Need some advice

[Hopeandhell]

I wrote on here a while ago.

Hubby and I had a successful fresh IVF transfer last August and were over the moon to find out we were having a little girl. On the 6th of Jan, our baby girl was born at 24 weeks and 6 days gestation. During the course of her short life 23 days she had many prematurity related issues, we were pulled backwards on a rollercoaster. Our little girl was sent to a children’s hospital where during the course of treatment, her leg was damaged and we were told she would lose her leg. She was born weighing 660grams and was 31 cm long. Her body couldn’t take the anaesthetic she was put under and three days after the operation, my beautiful little miracle died in my arms. The official cause of death is prematurity and kidney failure. To say that I’m broken is an understatement, life just seems to be so awful and confusing. She was born with the most beautifully long eyelashes and a thick head of hair. For all intents and purposes she didn’t not look like a premature baby. Currently we are in the process of finding out what happened. My IVF consultant feels that next time we should continue the progesterone pessaries up until 34 weeks of pregnancy. I do want to try again but all I can see is her beautiful little face. I miss her so desperately and my insides are crying out for her. Has anyone been through anything similar and gone on to do IVF successfully again? We would have to start the cycle again as she was my only surviving embryo.

[Core]

I’ve no experience sorry but just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss, I can’t imagine the pain you must be in. After battling through infertility to then lose your beautiful girl, I can’t imagine there are words to describe the pain. Hope you find some useful advice and support xx

[Hopeandhell in reply to Core]

Thank you. I’m trying to remain strong and positive but it’s hard not to blame myself. I’ve decided to take the full year off on maternity leave, I’m a school teacher and so so often see kids that are neglected. Life is so cruel.

[Faith27]

Hello lovely

I also don't have any experience to share with you but could not scroll past after reading your heart breaking story. I'm so so so sorry about what you have experienced. Its understandable your looking for some advice and support on your future treatments. I hope someone here will be comfortable reaching out and sharing their personal experience with you to offer some advice and support.

The one thing I wanted to just share with you, (Your probably already aware of this) but there are specialist charities out there to offer bereavement support to those to have sadly lost a baby unexpectedly. The one I'm familiar with is called the lullaby trust. While they probably wont be able to give advice on your future options, please make sure your getting support to cope with your dear loss. Your little girl sounded beautiful and the way you have described her has really touched my heart. This whole situation must be horrendous for you and your family.

I think taking the time off work was a very sensible decision, and this displays how much your focusing on your self care. It also means you won't have to rush into anything and will have time away from work to progress with anything in the future if and when you decide to try everything all over again.

I hope you're getting lots of support. While I can't offer personal advice, I'm here to listen so please do feel free to PM me if you ever need to rant, talk, run through ideas or whatever with someone you aren't familiar with.

Take care xxx

[Hopeandhell in reply to Faith27]

Thank you so much. I feel like I have to be strong for everyone around me. My husband is such a lovely man, we’ve been together since we were teens and just celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary. I’m just so hurt and feel that the whole experience has been cruel. I will look into that charity and do so hope someone who has had a similar experience will reach out. Thank you xx

[Faith27 in reply to Hopeandhell]

You do what you have to do lovely but please remember that the brave face that your putting on to be strong for everyone, can only be worn for so long each day so please do take time to grieve and cry if you need to. It will honestly help in the long run so please don't fight anything that you may be feeling. I'm glad to read your husband is a lovely man and that you have been together for years and years, it sounds like you have heaps of support around you which is lovely to read. It certainly is a cruel experience, one that I don't wish on anyone - so sorry it's happened to you. Take your time with whatever you decide and remember, after the shock of it all, your allowed to be angry, upset or however else you may feel - it's not a weakness, your a human being and a lovely one by the sounds who has lost your beautiful little girl so please be kind to yourself xx take care xx

[fhiosat]

My heart is broken reading your comment. I didn't have the same experience as you but had a miscarriage at 8 weeks and I loved that tiny little baby so fiercly that it sent me spiralling into a hellish grief. There are so many heart breaking elements to your story: I had an IVF baby last month after 5 years of failed attempts and I know how longed for your baby was, the fact that your baby was born a perfect little baba and that she died from anaesthetic. I don't know how many answers you have got from your hospital but when you are in the mind space I think you need to get a review of your case and some answers. Everyone deals with grief differently but it absolutely threw me under a bus. I would go through stages of being in shock, being numb, drowning in a sea of sadness, feeling despondent. I found a support group in my area that really helped, it was a safe place to cry and talk and feel understood.I also went to counselling but in retrospect the counsellor wasn't a good match, she had miscarriages herself but was very dissmissive. Find people who understand or at least are empathetic and kind. I found the silence really hurtful, ps lit of people acted like my baby never existed. Do what you need to cope. I listened to music on repeat, certain songs comforted me in a way words just couldn't. Find ways to remember your baby. My sil planted a tree for her little baba and one for mine. It was really difficult for me and my husband, our individual grief pushed us apart for a while. Feel free to private message me or ignore me! Whatever works. Big virtual hug xxx

[fhiosat in reply to fhiosat]

My sister in law was so lovely at the time, there to talk any time, she was really honest about losing her own baby. That really helped. We are so close now. Don't feel you have to be brave but I know crying in public with snot going down your face is not a good look from prrsonal experience. I had to run to the toilet many times in work in floods of tears. Most people are kind but have no clue how to react, don't feel you have to make them feel comfortable though. There's no avoiding what happened.

[Hidden]

Sorry for your loss

[KTL80]

I couldn't not reply to your post, it is heart breaking and I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful little girl. Even typing that has brought tears to my eyes (I'm grateful to have my own office at work!).

I just wanted to give my sympathies but also to tell you that I empathise with what you are going through. We lost our daughter at 23 weeks and 1 day after our first IVF cycle. A scan at 22 weeks and 6 days showed she had died so I had my labour induced to deliver her. I can't believe that was almost a year ago.

Taking time off work is hugely important. Unfortunately, because my daughter was born before the 24 week mark I wasn't entitled to any maternity leave, I'd technically had a miscarriage. I went back to work just 6 weeks later and it was a massive mistake.

The only advice I can offer is be good to yourself and never ever feel like you shouldn't be feeling the way you are. You have gone through the most terribly cruel bereavement, and you must allow yourself time and space to come to terms with it. Life will never be back to normal, but each day you will wake up feeling slightly more used to this new normal. Remember that you are not only grieving for your daughter's life, but you are grieving for the future you had been planning with her. So there will be many days in the next few months that you want to scream, shout and cry at the world, and you should allow yourself to do it. We went to a theme park on what should have been our due date as it gave me all the freedom I needed to scream as loudly as I wanted!

I know your post was asking about success after a loss but unfortunately I can't give you any answers. We have had 2 frozen transfers which were both BFNs, and miraculously a natural pregnancy which I sadly miscarried at 6 weeks. Coincidentally we have a nurse consultation meeting today to discuss using our last frozen embryo. And importantly, we have our first counselling session today too. Our consultant pretty much said we had to see a counsellor before our next treatment.

So the only positivity I can provide is to say don't give up. No future pregnancy will ever make up for what you have lost, and no 'rainbow' baby will make you forget your daughter. But while there is a desire to continue this journey there must be optimism. Your 'name' sums it up perfectly.... there is hope, but you have to go through hell to achieve it.

Take care, and be kind to yourself. Feel free to PM me.

xx