Feeling bad for declining a christening invitation

[Tiger37]

Long story short, I declined an invitation to a christening which my friend has taken really badly. It is quite a long story if you have time to read it!

Context: we met in halls at uni. I met my ex who I was with for 14 years the same year. He got on really well with her partner so we did a lot as couples and they are the only mutual friends I still have with my ex. They moved abroad a year before we broke up so they don’t know the full ins and outs of what happened (he was emotionally abusive) but they do know he cheated on me with his current partner and she knows one of the reasons things ended was I wanted kids and he didn’t.

Around the time me and my now husband started TTC 3 years ago, I found out they’d invited my ex and ‘the other woman’ on a family holiday the following year. I was hurt by this but didn’t say anything but I did avoid telling my friend we were TTC because I knew they were spending 3 weeks with my ex and I didn’t want him knowing anything about my life.

With them living abroad now we WhatsApp from time to time but we don’t really speak on the phone and they come back to visit maybe once a year with their kids (10 and 8) so there hasn’t really been an ideal opportunity to broach the subject of fertility. Just before Christmas last year I was going to talk to her about it as we were due to start IVF in the New Year when she announced she was pregnant. I was surprised given they’ve said for years they were not having any more.

I appreciate I haven’t filled her in on our situation but I didn’t feel I could tell her once she was pregnant. She knows I want children and has always been the kind of person who asks when we’re going to - but stopped when she was pregnant so I felt awkward to bring it up.

She messaged a couple of months ago to say they were coming back to the UK in November to get the baby christened and she then asked for RSVPs by 24th October. We’ve just had our second egg collection, 3rd transfer and are in the 2WW with OTD the 20th so I thought I’ll wait to see the outcome before RSVPing as I wasn’t sure I would be able to go to a christening if it was negative but I would really have tried for her.

However, she messaged on Monday asking if we were coming. I fobbed her off a bit saying I’d check the dates and I asked if my ex and partner were going. She said they were getting chased for numbers by the venue but my ex had not replied yet but as they don’t drive and there isn’t a train to where the christening is on Sundays she thought probably not.

Knowing my ex, whilst there isn’t train to the exact village, I did check and there are trains to a town 20 minutes away and he is the kind of person who would get a taxi that far and he also has friends in the area so they could well get a lift or come up the night before. Based on the information I had, I decided not to go. I tried to be as respectful as possible and say I didn’t want to make things awkward so if you need an answer now but can’t say if my ex and partner are going or not that we will probably have to say no. I did say I’m sure she can understand I have no desire to put myself in a situation where I come face to face with my ex and the girl he cheated on me with and have to make small talk. I said it would be lovely to see them all and meet the baby but as it’s a flying visit (literally here wed-wed and I work full time) they are probably booked up so we might have to catch them next time.

I got what I felt was a really cold message back saying she knew this message was coming and I knew I wasn’t coming months ago so I could have broached it sooner and she was stung by the lack of effort to find an alternative date to see them. I really hadn’t decided months ago, I was going to try and go, though of course the ex issue is a bit tricky so I did want some clarification before making a decision.

I do understand it’s a complicated situation and can understand her being disappointed we weren’t going to the christening, but I really was trying to be as reasonable as possible. I didn’t really want to fill her in on everything so I just sent this reply and have not heard anything back:

“Well I take it from that response you are not interested or care why it might be difficult for me to attend a christening right now other than the other guests so there is really no point explaining. You’ve made a lot of assumptions. They’re not accurate, but again sounds like rather than asking you’ve made your mind up so there’s not a lot I can say. I’m sorry if I’ve upset you.”

Now I’m questioning have I been a total arsehole in this situation? Any else had any similar experience?

[TexasRose210]

No, you have to protect your peace. Her reaction may have been different if she knew they complete story. And that’s ok that she doesn’t. Maybe it’ll all make sense to her later. Hope your receive your bundle of joy.

[Tiger37 in reply to TexasRose210]

Thank you x

[Millbanks]

Hello lovely,

Navigating friendships when going through IVF is always hard - I'm sorry to hear it's tricky.

Firstly I'd call her - messages are always taken differently to how they are meant and you're both probably reading in to it way more. If you end up having a massive blow out on the phone, then at least you have an answer.

Secondly - you are most definitely not the asshole here! I would do anything to avoid my ex and he wasn't even horrid to me. No one needs that in their lives....

xx

[Endofitall]

I think if I had friends who continued to be friends with an ex partner who had been abusive and cheated on me, I’d be rethinking being friends with them. Maybe let them go? They don’t sound great.

I definitely think focus on your current cycle and don’t feel at all bad about declining the invitation. If you want to remain friends and can’t let it go then you probably need to be a bit more open otherwise you’re really expecting her to be a bit of a mind reader.

[Twiglet2]

you haven’t done anything wrong, no is a complete sentence and you didnt even need to give as much of an explanation as you did in my opinion. I have declined quite a few christenings over my ttc years and not one of them has reacted this way or pushed the point (whether they knew what we were going through or not). I honestly don’t think this person sounds like a real friend tbh so personally I would leave it at that. There’s no need for a ‘talk’ or argument I would just move along with my life and wish her well in hers and continue Facebook ‘likes’ etc to be has far as it goes xx you e did the right thing! Good luck with your 2ww 🤞🏽💜

[Tiger37 in reply to Twiglet2]

Thank you, it has been really helpful to get someone else’s perspective xx

[Tiger37]

Thank you all so much for reading my long post and for your replies. This community is amazing ❤️

I agree Millbanks a phone call would be the way if I wanted to try resolve things, but as you say Endofitall , I’ve been reflecting that actually I’m not sure I want to continue the friendship. I don’t hold any hard feelings as I appreciate I haven’t told her about fertility stuff and they had moved abroad before things got bad with my ex so I get it is probably more of a surprise to them than other friends. It was a surprise to me and I was in the relationship!

But ultimately I feel relieved more than anything to let go of it which I think says it all.

[Endofitall in reply to Tiger37]

I’m so glad you could come to a decision you’re at peace with. Sending strength love and positivity for this cycle 💪✨

[Pugs079]

I don’t think you’ve done nothing wrong. It’s always tricky when your friend remains friends with your ex. You’ve handled it brilliantly so far.

A true friend would understand and not question your response. Maybe things will work out with her, but right now, focus on yourself.

If the guilt is playing on your mind, call her. Sending you lots of luck and positive vibes! Xx

[Tiger37 in reply to Pugs079]

Thanks so much x

[Freeway24]

Hi. I just wanted to say you've done nothing wrong! My husband declined a christening invite. We went to their first child's when things were very difficult for us and I sat and cried it was dreadful. They soon had another baby and we had lost 2 babies by this point so we politely declined. (We've now lost 4 but have chosen not to tell this friend) despite knowing of our 2 miscarriages he reacted badly and very insensitive so my husband has decided to let this friendship go. Going through IVF you really learn who your true friends and family are. I've definitely improved my boundaries since starting and now I don't care if people dislike my decisions when it comes to baby showers, christenings etc! Even if you take the baby stuff away I am shocked your friend doesn't seem to understand how seeing your ex/his new partner is awkward. Personally I wouldn't want to see my ex at any event. You don't owe her any more explanation. A friend should read between the lines anyway when they are having children but the other friend hasn't because its like girl code. It's not hard for them to work out! The way she spoke about the venue made it sounds like a wedding!!!! Try not to worry and take on her stuff. Good luck with your test day. You come first and so does your treatment X

[Tiger37 in reply to Freeway24]

Sorry for your losses and that your husband’s friend was so insensitive. I really appreciate you taking the time to reply.

Like you say I’m surprised it hasn’t crossed her mind. We literally had a running joke that she’d ask me when I was having a baby and I’d say when she gets a new puppy. She then got a new puppy and pregnant and stopped asking, but was still telling me all about the risks of being a geriatric mum knowing I still don’t have kids and we’re the same age!

She also gave me all her old maternity clothes when they moved abroad as at the time they were done having kids, but then earlier this year asked me to go through them and pick out certain items, send photos for her to choose which she wanted and post them to her MIL who was going out to visit. They were her clothes originally so I obviously don’t have a problem returning them but she did give me them 6 years ago and personally if I was her I would have perhaps caveated with I’m not sure if you might need these any time soon or something.

Overall I think I’ve put a lot more than I’ve got out of this friendship for some years and as you say have to focus on what’s right for me right now xx

[Loveelou in reply to Tiger37]

I am sorry but this does not endear her. She doesn't sound like a friend. I would have assumed you may be have TTC trouble after all this time and would have been sensitive let alone asking for 6 years+ old maternity clothes back!

[Skittles11 in reply to Loveelou]

Totally agree!! The last thing you need is "friends" like this when you are going through something so difficult x

[Freeway24 in reply to Tiger37]

Thank you for your kind words. Aww your welcome. I literally can't believe she asked for the maternity clothes back that sounds very cruel. I think this is very harsh and shows she has zero empathy. Lots of self care needed I think. Clear boundaries and focus on spending time with those who are kind, respectful and supportive. X

[Kitkat10]

Don’t feel bad, you’re doing brilliantly during this tough time. It’s a tremendous toll to navigate IVF while having to also cope with normal life things.

I very much ducked out of life during IVF, as I couldn’t cope with much more above and beyond the challenges at the time and my good friends stood by me. I forgave myself when I was on the other side of it all and knew at the time that I just had to protect my heart while I got through.

Good friends will still be there, xx

[Tiger37 in reply to Kitkat10]

Thank you, I really appreciate your reply x

[Anonymous29]

You are definitely not the asshole. You have to protect your own well being and if she was a good friend, she would know that there would be a really good reason behind you not attending.

Also, you are your own person and are more than entitled to say no to anything you want and do not have to justify your reasons to anyone.

Christenings, baby showers etc always bring up the questions from others 'Do you want kids?' etc so be selfish and think of yourself right now! x