Fertility Network UK

losing a ttc buddy

Hi there,

My first post here. Wow I’m struggling, harder than ever before. Bit of a backstory - myself and my partner have been ttc for 4.5 years. I’m 25, have endometriosis and have had two surgery’s. One ablation surgery, and most recently I’ve undergone excision surgery. I’m at the top of the list for IVF, however my bmi is still above 30 so have a bit of work to do first. I have a ‘friend’ who was also ttc, she had pcos, was overweight, a smoker, her partner had low sperm count. She got pregnant. In comparison to my journey, hers was considerably ‘easier’ in the sense that she didn’t try for a year before being referred to a fertility specialist (in fact her Mum is best friends with the local fertility consultant and got her referred) her bmi was 37 and she was given chlomid instantly. (She already has one child) Before getting pregnant we spoke a lot about our shared yearning for children. Now she’s pregnant! She bombards me constantly with scan pictures, baby clothes, photos of every possible angle of her new product etc. It’s every day. I’m heartbroken, and I feel so much hatred towards her, she is being so cruel. Aside from this, everyone... and I mean EVERYONE of my girlfriends are currently pregnant. All due at similar times, all meeting up without me to discuss babies, they all have big plans to go to baby groups together and I’m left here with nothing. I suffered so much with my endometriosis that I could no longer work, this caused a huge phase of anxiety states which lead me to turn to anti depressants and basically spend the whole of 2017 recovering. I went to cbt, I had more surgery and now I can happily say that I’m off anti depressants, and I am feeling the benefits of my recent surgery. But, I am so alone. I have no one left to talk to! All my friends are pregnant, and the closest person left is my sister, who’s also pregnant. Then there’s my mum who fell pregnant instantly each time with me and my siblings and has NO idea of what I’m going through. When people say ‘it’ll happen’ or ‘stay positive’ I want to punch them in the face. How can I stop feeling so alone? How do I cope for the next 6 months when every month a new baby is due on my friendship group?

People keep saying ‘but you’ve got ivf coming soon’. Yes, that’s true. BUT we have one shot at it, and what if it doesn’t work? It’s not guaranteed! I just really need some help and support. I read about people struggling with pregnancy announcements but has anyone ever had it this bad? When your 5 closet friends are pregnant, and your sister? (Not to mention the other acquaintances on social media and everywhere I turn)

Today I got told I’m a mother without a child. (Hence the username) but wow, that hurt so hard.

Any advice on how to keep picking myself back up? Any body been through similar? How did you cope?

Thankyou x

7 Replies

Hi, I’m so sorry you’re having such a difficult time. It sounds like you are doing brilliantly though in terms of managing without the anti depressants and recovering from your most recent surgery. I wish I could give you a definitive answer in terms of suggesting something that will help make things better. I think you have to take each day as it comes. I have been reading this forum for a while and recently started to contribute myself and find it a comfort to know I am not alone. You mention having had CBT, I wonder would some fertility counselling also be of help? I have also experienced anxiety and depression as a result of all of this and ended up having to leave my job. I went for counselling , tried to get out every day in the fresh air for a walk, kept trying to eat well and went for acupuncture. These were of some benefit to me but it did take me quite some time to begin to feel better. Sending you every best wish and lots of love. Take good care of yourself xx


Welcome to the forum, you’ll definitely get lots of support here. It’s understandable your struggling so much, Infertility can be lonely journey without everyone talking about pregnancy’s but remember to be positive about all the things you have overcome - coming off the anti depressants is something you should be so proud of.

I had a friend who also had some difficulties in conceiving we use to talk all the time and she would say how hard it is for her and how she hated seeing things on FB etc, she’s now pregnant through clomid doesn’t speak to me and and is constantly putting pregnancy photos up. I feel better off without her friendships but I know that wouldn’t be the same for you as it’s your best friends. Could you sit down and explain how hard it is for you? Maybe there just not aware of how truly difficult this journey is, most people aren’t and think IVF is the magically solution hence the ignorant comments of ‘you’ve got IVF coming’. Wishing you lots of luck, always here if you need a chat xx


I'm really sorry you are struggling.you are not alone. You will be ok here.the support here is amazing.we have all experienced something similar in one way or another.its so painful when your peers are having babies and you are left there to Congratulate and smile. It's so painful .i understand your pain. My sister got accidentally pregnant with her third child. Most of my friends have 3 or 4 children and I'm here just wanting my first one.

I'm just glad that at the end of all this I'm still standing and hoping I see my little one soon .i got a bfp at 4 th attempt.

Hang in there. When days are dark this forum is our solace. I wish you well for the new year.. Avoid your friends if it's what you need to do. Take care of yourself first.


oh hun. What a selfish "friend" u have. Message her and ask her politely not to send u the photos as they upset you.

I have PCOS myself and I am overweight and have struggled with my weight for years.

myself and my fiance have been together and ttc for nearly 4 years.

I already have have a daughter who is 15, but she doesn't live with me (I don't want to post the reason on here hun), but u can read my profile to find out more hun.


Dear “Motherwithoutachild”

What strikes me as I read your post is how much resilience it must be taking to navigate your way through everything at the moment. With all that you’re going through, it’s not surprising you are experiencing such difficult emotions. And, importantly, you have every right to feel how you feel.

Often when people are struggling to conceive, the rest of the world seems a precarious place filled with pregnancy announcements, bumps, scan pictures on social media and soon things start to feel out of your control. There are ways to take small steps to try to re-gain some control and to find some ‘safe places’.

Health and Well-being

First of all, your emotional and physical health are very important – both yours and your partner’s. Taking time to take the focus off the things that are causing you pain and to focus on activities that increase your sense of well-being, whether that is exercise, art, picking up an old, or developing a new, hobby, can have very positive effects on our psyche. They help us to re-engage with the playful, lighter side of ourselves that often gets left behind in times of life-crises. You deserve to nurture yourself as you go through this difficult time.


Also, while going through fertility difficulties, it is easy to lose sight of our relationship with partners. Taking time out to be together, to nurture your relationship and perhaps to take turns to talk about how the fertility issues are affecting each of you can be really helpful. Often couples say that going for walks together eases them into talking about what is going on and how it all feels.

‘Guidance’ for friends and family

It may not feel like it but you have more control than you might think when it comes to friends and family situations and their responses. It is understandable that you feel angry at the situation with your friend. You have lost a valuable source of support and she has what you so desperately want. I wonder if your friend knows how it feels for you to receive all her scans and news about her pregnancy. Would it be possible to gently tell her how you are feeling? If not, perhaps you can choose which texts or messages to respond to and when.

Coping with pregnant friends is very difficult. In my experience, if they know what you are going through, they can often find it hard to know what to say or how to be. They may not know whether to include you in their all their developments or to try to protect you from what they believe might be painful for you. You might have a sense of what you think would be helpful for you and they might welcome a little bit of ‘guidance’ in how they can support you. The same stands for your mum and sister. If you feel able to, you could find articles or resources (there are many on FNUK’s website) that you think echo how you feel, you could direct your friends and family to those to help them understand a little more about what you are going through. FNUK has a bank of resources and this one on coping strategies may be helpful fertilitynetworkuk.org/wp-c...

Finding a like-minded ‘community’

Many people are now turning to social media in order to find support from those going through similar life experiences. Whilst, it doesn’t match face-to-face support, a balanced approach to engaging with an online community (such as this Health Unlocked forum or Twitter for example) can help in those moments when you feel you need to vent or just need a little bit of like-minded understanding. It can also be helpful to find a support group local to you – perhaps your local fertility clinic has one or can point you in the right direction – equally FNUK has information on regional support groups here fertilitynetworkuk.org/for-...

Professional Support

Lastly, but no less importantly, counselling gives you a dedicated space to talk through your sadness, anger and frustration with someone who will be non-judgemental and who is there to listen without giving advice. You can find counsellors with specific fertility qualifications and experience at bica.net. bacp.co.uk also has lists of counsellors in your area. You may be entitled to funded sessions if you work for company who are signed up to a counselling organization such as the Employee Assistance Programme (EAP).

I do hope this is helpful. Please get back in touch if you think we can help further.

Kind wishes


FNUK Volunteer Counsellor


I am so sorry that you are going through such pain but don’t worry dear! You would definitely achieve your dream just don’t care about what others say. This is what people do but if you really care about your dream you must ignore and fight for it. May be you should talk to your friend and tell her how you feel and if she still doesn't get it then you need to stay away from these "friends" and get yourself more involved in such forum where you would find many struggling mothers. We all have to suffer pain at some and this is life eventually. You are a solid young lady. No need to get your hopes down we are all here to support each no matter what. Sending you lots of love xxx


If you require any assistance regarding the treatment of infertility i shall guide you to it ! I would love to help you . Stay strong .


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