I am going away with 2 friends, both who know my infertility journey and struggles with TTC. (PCOS, 18months TTC, 2 cycles of Letrozole for ovulation induction which I haven’t responded to).
We would all talk about being on maternity leave together, our future babies etc and are all very close friends. One of the woman has recently fallen pregnant after 1-2 months of TTC. I am happy for her, it’s how it should be for woman!
But equally so utterly sad for myself and it’s just a reminder of how unfair infertility is. I know my feelings are valid but I am worried about going away all together with the baby chat - which my friends are sensitive but we can’t not talk about her pregnancy. She gets to share her due date, preparing for a baby and I have failed infertility cycles and no certainty when or if I will be able to fall pregnant. And I’m struggling with how I’ll get through the trip without breaking down.
Any advice?
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Melsunshine
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I totally understand your apprehension about the trip, and it’s totally valid to feel like that.
You’ll probably find that the baby chat will be quite limited especially if she’s very early on in her pregnancy - there won’t be a huge amount to say. You may just need to distract yourself when baby stuff is brought up, or pretend you need a wee. It might also be worth mentioning to your non pregnant friend in advance that you may need to remove yourself from situations.
I’m not sure what type of trip it is, but if it does involve shopping then you may find them looking at baby clothes and that could be quite triggering? So if it does and you go to any shops with children’s clothes/toys etc you may just say that you are going to go and have a look at XX items that you really need and that you’ll meet them back at XX place in XX minutes. I remember going shopping with a friend who had two girls aged 3 and 4 while I was in the midst of fertility struggles and prepping for IVF, and we walked passed baby clothes in primark and she picked up a baby grow and awwed saying she loves it when they’re that small. It was never malicious, but crikey it upset me and stuck with me. xx
Hope you have people around you for support at this time Please take a look at our website fertilitynetworkuk.org "Access Support " to find a group near you
There’s also the option of not going, yes you’d miss out on a trip but your mental health the is the most important thing here and you can only protect yourself. Yes it totally sucks to miss out on a trip but only you can decide if that would be better for you. Your feelings are valid no matter what you want to do & you don’t have to tell them why, you could become ill or have something come up. I’ve struggled and needed some distance with pregnant friends and family but honestly I don’t regret anything. The people that love you will understand eventually. Just giving you that option if you need it.
I completely understand how you are feeling. You won’t be alone in this either, it is really difficult. I think you will either need to go but make sure you have little pockets of time alone just to process, or maybe don’t go if u feel it’s going to be too much.
I recently found out my best friend is pregnant with her 3rd child and that it was a shock to her, not planned. She knows Iv been TTC for about 3yrs and had recently found out I had a failed FET. I had very mixed emotions, obviously happy for her and also just really sad it wasn’t me. The emotions were very real, and I just remember thinking to myself, how am I going to get through the next couple of hours and I what I really wanted to do was leave right away and just go cry! Which I know sounds selfish. But of course, I wanted her to have that moment and didn’t want to take that away from her. For the next 2hrs we spoke constantly about it and how she was feeling really rough etc etc and it was so hard. I think you will need to be kind to yourself and if you feel you need to take a moment away to yourself and process your feelings, maybe have a cry and go for a walk, it is really important you do that. I actually felt like I needed to distance myself slightly, just to wait for certain feelings to pass. Be kind to yourself and I’m sure your friends will understand x
Thanks for sharing your experience. Well done for even asking questions - I’m currently on the holiday with my 2 friends (1 being pregnant) and can’t bring myself to ask much more than what’s your due date and congratulating her. It just feels all too much to ask her any baby questions 😅 I am probably coming across rude but I just can’t emotionally do it. There’s a lot of baby chat. And any questions about my fertility treatment, I just don’t answer. Gone off to cry a few times, I don’t think either of them get it 😣 but equally don’t think they mean it
Aww I honestly do feel for you. I can hear how difficult this situation is for you, and I too would be exactly the same.
Others that don’t have fertility issues, I think find it hard to know what it’s like as they’ve not experienced it. They can try, but they will never truly understand what is triggering for us and i always try to remind myself that they just don’t get it cos they haven’t had to go through it. That’s why i have got so much from joining this forum. It’s probably the only place I can come and express how I truly feel, knowing there will be others here who just get what I mean, and that alone helps me so much. Sending you some love and strength to get through the rest of your holiday, I hope you manage to enjoy it in some way x
I’ve been on both sides of it so can totally empathise. If they are good friends which I’m guessing they are they should be aware of your feelings and keep baby talk to a minimum. Maybe go for a walk on your own so they can take the opportunity to have a baby chat whilst you’re not around.
Hi Melsunshine. It is so, so tough. But you are lucky in that they know, even if they don't understand. I would say consider using that to your advantage and maybe beforehand or at the outset just tell them how difficult you might find it. Do it in a positive way and tell the truth - let them know you are delighted for them and would love nothing more than to have joined the club you imagined the three of you would have, and sit and gossip about pregnancy, that you fully understand how important it is for them and are trying to figure out how to be the supportive best friend you can and want to be, but also let them know that there is a good chance you can't be that person right now as thinking about their happy news holds a mirror up to how you are feeling - which I presume is devastated and isolated - and that you are struggling. Say you will do your best to be yourself all weekend and not let the infertility win and that you don't want them to act any differently around you but you just thought you would let them know where you are at so if things are overwhelming or triggering and you are acting weird they know it isn't their fault, or yours, or any reflection on how you feel about them or their babies, but just something you have to deal with yourself. That might take the pressure off and let you find the space to navigate the weekend.
And you know where you will find a group of people who do understand completely if you need to vent during or afterwards 🙂 x
Thanks💜💜 I did set out to be this level headed but didn’t quite succeed. I am back home now. It was a really brutal few days. Lots of solo hidden tears.
It really highlighted unless one has experienced infertility, they don’t get it.
I'm so sorry to read that. One of the hardest things about infertility is that it strips you of the social events and friendships that would normally give you so much happiness. It takes them away and there isn't anything to replace it - except "that" feeling. Is it sadness, despair, jealousy, dread, anger... who knows. It is very hard to describe and you are right that if you haven't felt it yourself it is very hard to understand. Hope now you are home and in your own space you can process the trip away, build yourself back up and start to find some joy again. And hoping even more that you don't find yourself suffering infertility much longer x
hello, my advice to you is try to always remember that each one of us has their own unuque journey to follow. Jealousy is hard to control, i know, but try to love your own path even if it's hard
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