Family

[Bunty83]

So an update on my previous post, the person who was giving me all the hints and tips last week was my sister. She called on Sunday to say she's 14 weeks pregnant. After 1 month of trying, literally everyone in my family is super fertile. She suggested sending me a book to 'help' me. I said I thought it was all pretty random really and not much I can do to change it but what was your trick. She said they'd been on holiday, maybe I should try that. I've felt so many things since this chat. Mainly that life is a total bitch. If she does send me this book, I'll be sure to post the tips, she mentioned something vague about timing sex around ovulation. Just makes me think I shouldn't share any of the fertility stuff with anyone unless I know for a fact they'll be helpful. Has anyone seen this, I'm not sure how to give to my family or whether they'll all think I'm just attention grabbing, my family don't do emotions so well... infertilitynetworkuk.com/up...

[Hopeful1982]

Hi Bunty83, gosh I've never thought about timing sex around ovulation, maybe I should give it a try! Sometimes you have to laugh. It's infuriating when people think you must be doing something 'wrong'!

I sent that fact sheet to a few people. It stopped my mum telling me I just needed to 'relax' which was a huge help as (ironically) there's nothing more stressful than being told to relax!

[Katrina13 in reply to Hopeful1982]

I heard them all when I was ttc, some really crazy ones, and always so inappropriate! Even when I had my tubes completely removed leaving IVF as my last option, my mother in law suggested I try taking cough mixture as she had heard it increases cervical mucus and helps sperm to travel. I always call them 'the polo mint theories' i.e. "why don't you suck on a polo mint, stand on your head, spin around 10 times then have sex and you will get pregnant straight away cos it worked for my next door neighbours cousins friend", and they are all equally inappropriate!

[Hidden in reply to Katrina13]

What's even worse than friends and family's "good" advice is when a so called medical expert gives you irresponsible advice. When fighting for a referral (have a sub mucosal fibroid and cyst on right ovary) gp advised me to go ahead And have my ivf now after all that's what I want after waiting so long for a baby! Luckily my clinic put me and my health first and refused to do ivf till I have had this treated and even then have to see one of the consultants with my paperwork before ivf can commence. Honestly some people even those who should know better X

[Bunty83 in reply to Hidden]

Sorry to hear you're having so much trouble getting the right treatment Jess. The gynaecologist unit we were referred to was a sausage factory, so many couples, always delayed and the consultant was just so unorganised and pretty unhelpful really. Parts the NHS are amazing, other parts seem to have real issues, hope you get what you need soon x

[Hidden in reply to Bunty83]

This was a gp from my drs surgery.

Yes our ex nhs clinic wasn't good always time delays. And failed to discover my fibroid too. Got discharged last year with it's trying or ivf and we won't fund your ivf (have son from previous relationship) Got my appointment this Monday to discuss my fibroid and cyst. I hope she will be more helpful than my gp who has written up wrong notes about it obviously not listening!

Anyway sorry to ramble on hope you're feeling a bit better now X

[Bunty83 in reply to Hopeful1982]

Thanks Hopeful, I get a lot of that I think the fact she's pregnant, hadnt told me and let me tell her all my heartache and then made all these suggestions, I feel like an idiot for sharing. I wish I wasn't in this place, its so unbelievable. I think I've adjusted then something like this happens and makes me feel like crap again. You ladies lift me up again tbough, I appreciate you xx

[Hopeful1982 in reply to Bunty83]

I can totally understand that. I said to my husband a few weeks ago that it's just so unfair. He just said, yes it is unfair. It was nice to have someone just agree with me rather than trying to say something to make it better when there's nothing anyone can say to make it better!

[Katrina13]

Hello I just read your other post, I have been where you are now. I know it just plain sucks.

For me I tried to calmly explain to people that there is a difference between people who do not have any medical fertility issue - and for whom a holiday, thinking positively, sex at ovulation etc can work. However for people that have a specific medical condition affecting their fertility, no amount of tips and destressing and 'trying not to think about it' will work. I tried to explain that if your car engine has a problem and won't start, no amount of sitting in the drivers seat 'relaxing and feeling positive' will make it run. You need to go to a garage to get it fixed professionally, and that is what I was doing by going to see the doctors. People seemed to understand this a little better.

I also explained that my fertility issues were out of my control, and I needed people to accept that. Being told to 'think positively' or 'stop worrying and it will happen' implies that somehow my fertility (or lack of) is a direct result of my own attitude, which is not the case and these suggestions are therefore not helpful.

I always explained the above with as little emotion as possible as I didn't want to hurt people or make them feel bad for saying the wrong thing, just to understand.

Sadly unless someone has been there they will never fully understand, but this goes some way to making them realise how things are.

Even now I get people say really stupid things to me. My situation is that I had (after a long battle) my tubes completely removed, then had successful IVF and am now 7 months pregnant. Even though I have no tubes so am effectively sterile, people still ask me how many kids I am going to have. When I answer that I am not going to do IVF again, and will be extremely happy with one child, they say things like 'oh but you never know what might happen, you could just fall pregnant when you are not trying', to which I answer 'why, can fallopian tubes grow back? I never knew that!'.

How long have you been trying, and have the doctors said anything about why you have not conceived? x

[Vickal in reply to Katrina13]

I love your car analogy! Will use that myself xx

[Bunty83]

Hi Katrina, thank you for your reply. I know I come across as a crazy angry person but I do manage to hold it together in real life. My sister has no idea she's upset me. I'm still not sure if its worth discussing with her or if it will create more problems. Especially the fact she's pregnant so I shouldn't be stressing her out. I like all your analogies about getting your car fixed. My family are pretty black and white about things and as all fertile they think we're just not trying hard enough. My mum told me to stop galivanting. When I tried to explain I found that a bit unhelpful after the 1st time making a joke about it, she got really upset and now we both have sort of an un spoken agreement not to mention anything beyond the plain medical facts. I dont think ill even tell my mum were doing ivf. We have unexplained issues and have been ttc for 2 years, about to start ivf nxt month. I wish i was able to speak with my mum. My husband is lovely, he's very patient and kind and we can talk things through. I just feel on top of all the fertility worries, it feels tough having to deal with other peoples thoughts, comments, emotions but I am trying to understand their viewpoint as well. Thanks again, I really appreciate your reply xx

[Katrina13 in reply to Bunty83]

For those of us that have been there you do not sound crazy at all.

For our second (successful) try at IVF we decided not to tell anyone, and for us we actually found it far better. I made the decision that I was not going to talk to anyone unless I knew for sure that talking to them would bring me a positive benefit. Otherwise, what is the point?

I told everyone that I was not drinking, being healthy etc in prep for my next IVF in January 2015, whereas in fact I started injections in September 2014. This meant that no-one questioned what was happening and we had some breathing space. It also meant we could completely shock them with pregnancy news just when they thought we were about to start treatment! No-one minded at all that we had kept quiet until then.

We really found keeping it to ourselves more relaxing. I got my support from on here mostly, where I could talk openly about my feelings. I also told my boss who was brilliant, but apart from that no-one.

My advice is to really think about who you can tell, what benefit telling them will bring you, and remember that there is a lot of support on here and other forums when you need it.

[Bunty83 in reply to Katrina13]

Thank you Katrina, I'm so glad I found the forum for support. Everyone is so kind and understanding. Hope you and the bump are doing well today xx

[pm27]

Fortunately no-one has given us tips or told us we're doing it wrong.

Infertility is unfair, especially when it seems everyone can manage it the 'normal' way.

We have only shared our infertility issues with very close family and friends, some of them know it all some just know we've had treatment that hasn't worked.

My advise about telling people (given to me by 2 separate people as we were starting investigations, one of whom had had IVF, the other was a nurse) is only tell the people you think will be supportive and choose what you tell them. You're not grabbing attention, you're going through a really tough time.

[Bunty83 in reply to pm27]

Sorry to hear your treatment didn't work pm, that sucks. We are definitely keeping everything vague at the moment with most people, even family. I guess it's all about putting a brave face on. I really hope you get some good news soon to share xx