Please help. Don't know what to do 😔

[Amanda86]

Hey all,

So as the title says I need some advice. This isn't IVF related but has the potential to affect my treatment.

I've had no contact with my mum since February. It's a long story but basically she is an alcoholic. She has been for years and it's been very hard on me and my sisters. After various things my mum has done to us over the years we all decided enough was enough and we had to cut ties.

My mum never tried to contact me since then until now! I've had a missed call tonight with a voicemail asking me to call her.

I'm so mad because although this sounds terrible my life has been so much less stressful since we stopped speaking. My relationship is stronger as my mum would often cause arguments between us.

I'm due to go through treatment in a couple of weeks and now this, now I'm thinking about her again and worrying what is she doing with her life? Where is she? I can't handle this stress through the treatment but now she's been in touch it's hard to just ignore. It was easier when she just didn't get in touch.

I don't know what to do 😔

If anything happens to her I feel like I will always have so much guilt but you wouldn't believe what me and my sisters have done to try and help her and it's always been thrown back in our face.

[Lucyloo81]

Hi Amanda,

I have been in your situation many of times with my mum. As a young girl I went in to foster care due to the relationship with my mum. I have to say I do have a good relationship now. The reason being is that I have choose the relationship I wanted with her. My mum is still the same person but I don't put up with any crap anymore. When I got married the run up to it was a nightmare she caused so much trouble and that was the icing on the cake for me.

I would phone your mum listen to what she has to say, then tell her you love her but can't have her in your life just now. I have always loved my mum but at times hated her. Alcoholism is a illness but the person needs to seek help before anyone can help them.

I am like you I worry that if I fall out with my mum and something happens I would feel guilty. By phoning your mum you have taken the control back. Then by telling her you can't have her in your life you are then in control.

This time is for you and your husband which is your family.

Hope this helps xx

[Amanda86 in reply to Lucyloo81]

Hey lucy,

Thanks for your reply. Sorry to hear you've been through a similar situation.

My mum was drunk in the voicemail so I decided not to call as she just becomes aggressive and argumentative. Usually she's fallen out with her partner (also an alcoholic) and she's looking for sympathy. I sent a text to ask why she had called but didn't get a reply.

I may text tomorrow and just say I can't have her in my life until she becomes sober.

It's a very hard situation because like you say she's my mum and I love her but I also hate her for all the crap she's put me through. A lot of it I feel is unforgivable.

Unfortunately it's an illness she's battled for over 10 years with numerous admissions to various hospitals to help with her drinking. Or stays within hospitals due to attempted suicide. Nothing at all seems to make her stop and sadly I don't think she ever will 😔

Thanks again for your reply xxx

[Blondyboo in reply to Amanda86]

I too have been here with my brother, he nearly died in intensive care From years of alcohol abuse. He went in rehab ... didn't work.... it wasn't until he hit rock bottom and lost everything.... house wife job, that he pulled himself together. We distanced ourself from him, telling him he couldn't stay with us when he was homeless it was so hard but it needed to be done.

To cut a long storey short he is now 3 years sober and re married and a different person. We found we had to be cruel to be kind. They will only get better when they really want too. Heartbreaking for us though watching them distracted themselves.

I'm sorry you have this on top of your treatment. I would listen to her on phone and take it from there. If she's like my brother was she may not remember phoning you and that's what she text. My brother did that a lot when he was drunk. Keep strong xx

[Lucyloo81 in reply to Amanda86]

You do what's right for you sweetie. Don't think of the past look to your future it's time to live your life for you. Good luck with your IVF journey xxx

[Hidden]

Hey

I was in a similar situation with my dad. To cut a long story short my parents split when I was 7, I had no contact apart from the odd card at birthday or Christmas, at 18 we built bridges and had an ok relationship. At 21 he called to say he was changing numbers. I didn't have a pen.

He never called back.

In 2009 almost 15 years later I got a call to say he'd been found dead in a caravan.

Cirocis of the liver, he drank himself to death.

I had made my peace. We had nothing more to say. I miss not having had the father he could have been.

I had an incredible relationship with my granddad.💓

You need to make sure of one thing in this.

It's hard but...

If you get the call tomorrow that your mum has died, are you at peace with yourself?

Tomorrow isn't guaranteed, least of all with the illness your mum has.

I hope and pray you have the strength to get through your cycle as you'll surely be a brilliant mum, you know what not to do. But please, be at peace.

Good luck hon💕

[Amanda86]

Thank you for your reply ladies. So sorry to hear you have also been though such a horrible thing!

My mum has lost my dad (she left him for another man and this is when she became alcoholic) none of her daughters speak with her, she has no relationship with her 5 grandchildren and yet this still isn't enough to make her better. She's gets the help,leaves hospital lasts a day or two and drinks again.

I don't know if I'm at peace with her to be honest but I can't have a conversation with my mum when she's drinking as usually everything is blamed on us for why she drinks, she becomes aggressive saying really nasty things and I just don't have the strength to deal with it.

I could maybe text my feelings but at the moment I feel I can't have her in my life, not through this treatment. I didn't sleep at all last night and it's down to her being back in touch and the worry I now feel again.

If anything happens to her I know I will feel guilt but I can honestly say that over 10 years I've tried everything to help her. I've put up with so much abuse. And nothing has ever changed, if anything it's only got worse x