give me some support

At the end of April last year, at 4.5 months of pregnancy, I lost a child. There was a miscarriage. I think it's my fault. It was necessary at the time to go to the hospital, lie on the preservation and now I would have a baby. It was a boy, a son. The operation was difficult, the placenta grew into the uterus, it was difficult to separate it. After the first curettage, I had to do it again, since there was something left in the uterus. The narcosis was terrible, I flew through the pipes and thought I would never come back! . However, I managed somehow to cope with what had happened. A year later I became pregnant again and at the end of May I was scraped because of a frozen pregnancy. After discharge from the hospital, I returned home in a terrible psychological state. I do not work, I do not have the strength to do anything. Even the simplest work around the house. I do not want. I hardly force myself to wash myself. I almost do not go out into the street. Often I feel like crying. Maybe if I cried it would be easier, but! No tears. I just exist, but I want to live ... I do not know how to live. I do not know how to cope with this problem. I constantly think about what happened, especially about the first baby. I feel bad. I have a good husband. My parents support me. But I'm confused, I already do not know anything.

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  • I am so very sorry for your losses, this must be unbearably hard for you. It sounds as if you are in terrible turmoil and need some help to start processing what has happened and try and find some peace again. I think you need some professional help and would advise that you seek counselling and visit your GP. Am sending you big hugs xxxxx

  • I'm so very sorry for your losses. My heart goes out to you Abigail! It sounds like you've really been through a whole lot. This journey towards motherhood can be so difficult.

    Sometimes when we lose a child, it can easy to have thoughts and feelings of guilt. If only we did this or that, maybe things could have turned out differently. No one can say for certain what happened. It is ok to not feel ok straight away after such a tough tough time. It can be so overwhelming.

    The ladies on here, are so supportive. Keep talking to us. Vent and know that we are with you energetically. I lost my twins in 2015 quite early on and I'm still learning to live with it. But I decided to get back up and keep trying, when I felt ready to move forward.

    Take all the time you need. I hope that you continue to get all the love and support you need from your family. When the time is right, you will get back up and move forward. For now focus on healing. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  • I'm sorry that you experienced the same loss. I hope that eventually I will find the strength to move on, just like you. thank you. hugs xx

  • thank you Martina! After two losses I'm just afraid of getting pregnant again. I will not survive it again...

  • Hi AbigailAbie, i am very sory to read about your loss. I can only imagine what a difficult time this must be for you, but you mustn't blame yourself. Misacarriage can sadly happen for many different reasons beyond our control. Did the hospital offer any advice for where to access help? Perhaps you could contact the miscarriage association on 01924 200799 for information and support.

    Have you thought about contacting your gp as bluewanderlust has suggested? Xx

  • Sorry to hear about your losses. Such a terribly hard thing to go through. It sounds like a bit of crying would help if you can allow yourself to do that. There are also groups on here for people who have had miscarriages who I t may help you to talk with and share experiences with.

    And it sounds like contacting your gp would also be a good idea to see what help they can recommend e.g. Counselling or perhaps some light anti-depressants for a little while to help lift your mood a bit and get you back on track? They may also make suggestions or refer you to someone else to look into why you have miscaried and whether there is anything that can be done next time e.g. take meds next time to help (if you are thinking of trying again)?

    I had depression in the past and found that on both occasions it went away once I started studying and occupying myself with an activity. Perhaps you could look into doing some home study to see if that helps? I also found it helped to set myself little tiny targets like getting dressed each day and going to the shop or to the library or going for a short walk. Or maybe you could think about getting a pet? I've heard pets are very good at helping people to cope with trauma. I hope you feel a bit better soon (or a lot preferably) xxx

  • So many tips, thanks! I work as a psychologist, and I know what you need to be in such cases. I know about all the methods of rehabilitation and tablets. But I can not help myself. Maybe when I survive this I will become better as a professional. My doctor advises me to think about alternative methods of family planning (adoption and surrogate motherhood). But at the moment my thoughts are very confused to think about it. I really liked your idea about a pet. I've always wanted a cat all my life, maybe now it's the perfect time. Big hug for you, thank you again

  • Oh Abigail, I am so sorry to hear that you find yourself in such a cruel place, my heart goes out to you.

    When we go through such traumatic experiences, it often feels impossible to process those experiences fully at the time as we can sometimes go into survival mode, using various mechanisms to cope with the trauma that confronts us.

    While these coping strategies are lifesavers to us at the time, they prevent us from grieving properly which can leave us feeling stuck in limbo which I know is a horrible place to be.

    It sounds like thst now there is the safe distance of some time between you and your experiences that your brain may be ready to cope with and process what you went through.

    I can honestly say that seeing your doctor and getting some counselling could be really beneficial to help you access and release your grief, work through those feelings of blame and to help you live again.

    I say this as I too felt a similar way after my experience of loss and counselling helped me rebuild myself and heal.

    You may not realise it but you've already taken the first steps toward healing by sharing your very personal and painful feelings here which isn't always easy to do.

    Be kind to yourself my lovely. I send you thoughts of strength and hope for the next chapter of your journey to bring you inner peace.

    Lots of luck and love to you. Xxx

  • I'm so sorry that many women experienced this. The death of a child is a very strong pain for a woman. I spoke already with my doctor, he gave me a few tips that I need to think about. I probably wrote this post to clean my head a little. thank you xx

  • Hi I do understand how you feel

    We have lost 4 baby's and the last one was via ivf and got it 19 weeks .. he was alive when I gave birth to him for 20 amazing minutes in May

    I couldn't work or do anything without feeling overwhelmed by everything and everyone.. so I went and found some one to talk to relate are great ... it's hard to deal with the understanding that I wouldn't go to the hospital and I thought everything could of been alright , life is full of what ifs .. each day I feel like a failure and I failed my husband .. but talking to Some one who doesn't know you and can see through to the next day is a real life saver , I know I am not fixed but I feel more like myself again ..

    Please be kind to yourself

  • Omg, I can not even express my regrets, I'm very very sorry that this happened to you. I hope that in the end we will be able to create a family and give this world a child. I hold you in my thoughts

  • You have been a very traumatic time and your body and head need to rest and process everything that has happened.

    Glad to hear your family are supportive and that you say you want to live. For different reasons I had anxiety and depression which was very bad for six months and resulted in me giving up work. At my worst I couldn't be bothered to go to the toilet even when I was bursting.

    I ended up going to the doctor and was put on medication which helped but I then decided I wanted to resolve this issue and prevent it from happening again especially as I was planning to get married and wanted children.

    It took a year of therapy but I have never been that low ever again. I think the therapist does Skype consultations and assessment is free. Personally message me if you want the details.

    Good luck xxxxxx

  • So sorry to ready this, you've had such a tough time.

    I have had depression a few times very badly and while going through ivf nearly went back on to my medication but actually managed without in the end. God knows how while being in the ivf rollercoaster.

    I think a pet is a great idea, I have cats and wouldn't and couldn't be without them. They are all crazy and loving and can't help but make you feel better every day!!

    I would also look at getting some professional support even though you have a great knowledge of it due to your job, it's very different when it happens to you.

    I hope you start to feel better soon lovely xx

  • I'm sorry, it's terrible. all your support is such a strange and wonderful feeling. Thank you so much!! great hug for you

  • I know even a million of sorries won't help you, but I also think you need it. Im sorry for your loss. I can imagine how you might be feeling. Lost, no hope, no will to do anything, you are empty, but what can you do for now? There is nothing possible to be changed, you just need to be strong and move forward. Especially, if you have such a huge support, and you will have even more from us. Keep fighting, keep going. Life is hard, but you deserve te better and you will get it one day. I keep asking myself, why people who dont deserve, suffer that much? And i realised that the answer is because those people are brave enough to fight this all.

  • Gosh, I can't think of any words to say that will help you. All I can say is that you must not be afraid to ask for help and maybe posting on here is the first step. Sending you so much love πŸ’™

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