Fertility Network UK
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I've got lost

Hi. I was reading posts by followers of this community for a few weeks. Still don’t know how it happened that I ventured on writing here about things so personal and intimate… but I’m stuck and afraid I can't get out of all this. There is no one near me to share with or to talk to but my hubby, who has had enough to hear me whining again. I've been through awful things and I hardly know where to start.

Well, I am infertile (this is not news as I'm here). The way I've found out about this disability was too cruel for both of us. We were trying for a baby for 2 years and then I finally got pregnant. However, it wasn’t meant to be… In 3 weeks after positive cheapy I felt like something was wrong..spotting at first, bleeding later and horrible back pains. I don’t usually go to doctors but this time I had to. Anyways I was sent back home like everything was ok and that’s why I hate doctors and our healthcare system. They just don’t care. The nightmare began later; I couldn’t stand that pain and had so heavy bleeding that couldn’t find enough towels to get to the hospital. I thought I was dying and couldn’t do a damn thing to be fine again…half an hour to prepare for surgery seemed eternal. I lost much blood and the only look of it made me freaked out.. I survived and trying to cope with this but I just can’t forget. I don’t know anyone who can understand how I feel…

Then I found out that my uterus is much smaller than it should be and it’s T-shaped…I couldn't carry a baby! Why me? I will never be pregnant, won’t feel a baby kicking inside, won't be a mother. I’m broken…I must stop thinking about this but I just can’t. I see my hubby suffering and trying to stay positive when I’m with him and it’s twice as difficult to stay sane.

How to live without children when the only thing you are longing for is to be a mother?

14 Replies
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Hi Jes

Apologies if what i say comes across bad -

Firstly you are an amazing person and you are amazing for being you.

Having a child is a part of being a woman but is not everything about being a woman.

Yes at this stage you don't want to hear these things so grab some tissues and cry your eyes out if thats what it takes - sometimes suppressing it for me makes it build up more. But give yourself a cut off point - like cry today but tell yourself tomorrow you will take a step towards making yourself feel better - take it one day at a time hun - its your life so take it at your pace

You have survived an ordeal and a half - you have been given another chance to really grab life and focus on you.

For too long maybe you have focused on having a baby that you dont want to overlook yourself in all of this. At this point in time you are the most important being in your life and so should that be.

I dont know if you believe in a faith or religion etc but theres this one thing i read once and it motivates me - "Don't lose hope nor be sad" and i think thats so true. Things happen for the best and although we cannot see them now maybe at some later point in life it will all become clear.

I hope what i said hasnt hurt you in anyway xx

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KatVonB , thank you so much for your kind words. I don't see anything bad in what you've said. Thank you for being so supportive..I'm tearful while reading your reply. You are right , being a woman it's not only being a mother..I understand it but just hard to accept. I'm trying so hard not to cry though maybe I have to..good old cry, I'm on my way!

I am a kindergarten teacher and children are always with me, but none of them is mine. every day I see women who come to take their children home and they are younger than me..this distresses me as if there is no other reason.

I am a religious person and I know that lots of fertility treatment procedures could be against God's Will..I'm so confused. I'll try, I promise you I'll try to keep hoping. I appreciate your every word, didn't even expect to get support like this xxxxx

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Hey no worries. I work with children daily too and i know its painful. I work as a social worker and often see parents who dont even want their kids so its all the more frustrating.

But you know what, finally i grabbed the reigns and told myself; i am me and being me doesnt mean i have to be a mom.

I have decided i am going to say positive things to my self daily and plan activities and things to do with my hubby because at least we should enjoy our youth and marriage! remember you didnt get married ok the condition you will have a baby so why let that be the reason that weakens the foundations of your marriage?

Yes cry cry and laugh too its ok to feel like that and i agree with a comment below about seeking counselling. You need to talk this through and need to refocus on YOURSELF hunni.

☺️☺️

And if you think adoption is financially not viable try looking in to fostering. Lord knows there are plenty of children who need a loving home. Its rewarding and through my job i have seen carers who have cared for children for many many years and those children have grown up to have excellent futures which otherwise would not have happened.

All im saying is hun, we have to put ourselves and our wellbeing first. Every thing else is an added bonus.

On another convo i shared a small story with a lady:

A king asked his advisor to inscribe his ring with something so if he is happy and looks at it it makes him feel grounded and brings him to reality and if he is sad it reminds him there is a positive future ahead. His advisor gave him the ring after inscribing it and it read "This moment will soon pass"

So hun remember this moment will soon pass ☺️☺️ xx

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Im so sorry I can't imagine what your going through. Don't give up on your dreams tho you can still be a mother and have a family. It might not be how you wanted it to go but it time when your ready it might be the best thing you ever did. I would get a second opinion as the lady said below and when your ready move forward. Best of luck to you both. Here if you want to chat xx

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Thank you Daxi16 ! I can't carry a baby, it's the biggest disappointment for me...no chance for making it the way I do want. However, I read about adoption and it's so unlikely that I would do this..so much time and money and everything. It seems I'm in at a dead end with no solutions. Secind opinion is a good idea but I'm afraid to hear the same again..not ready for this yet, as well as for anything else at the moment. Thank you for being here with me

xxx

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Of course take some time and things will become clearer for you. Sending lots of love and thoughts 💜

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So sorry to hear of your loss. This must be a terrible time for you. I hope you are getting some counselling and support, I know I had to ask for it when I had a miscarriage. Please don't presume you should be able to cope with this alone, it's a really devastating time and you need lots of support. Xxx

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7AVA , the worst time I must say...the only support I get is from my husband but he is tired like me. I have no friends who are able to understand and their support would be like "don't worry...i can imagine how you feel...why don't you adopt a baby" i don't need this. They do not understand and that's it. I'm looking for local support groups, maybe this will work. Really sorry you've been through this...how did you manage with this? How much time did it take you to recover mentally? xxx

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It sounds like you need to reach out beyond your husband or your friends. Perhaps go to your doctor and ask to be referred for counselling. You need more support to find your way through this xxx

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Right you are! I feel better although I just shared my concerns here with a few people. I'll take your advice, thank you. xx

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Good luck on your journey jes4641 xxx

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Oh God, so traumatic ... i am in loss of words... how could i comfort you ? So so sad, but you have to keep yourself up - do not fall down with your spirits!

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Thank you MimiSvet . I can hardly imagine words that could be that comfortable, really. I promise I'll try anyways. Thanks for your attention xx

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My friend ... You've been suffering a lot. You are not alone. In this forum you will find help from wonderful women.

It was not the best way to find out. Infertility is disgusting. It's unfair to anyone.

You must vent. Remove all that you feel. It's bad for your health.

Have you gone to a fertility clinic?

Some cases like yours may be operable. So the defect is corrected a bit. So you can try a pregnancy.

Another option is surrogacy. There are many agencies that ask to guide you with that.

Do not lose hope of being a mother. There are many options nowadays. It's all a question of finding the best one for you

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