Hi. I was reading posts by followers of this community for a few weeks. Still don’t know how it happened that I ventured on writing here about things so personal and intimate… but I’m stuck and afraid I can't get out of all this. There is no one near me to share with or to talk to but my hubby, who has had enough to hear me whining again. I've been through awful things and I hardly know where to start.
Well, I am infertile (this is not news as I'm here). The way I've found out about this disability was too cruel for both of us. We were trying for a baby for 2 years and then I finally got pregnant. However, it wasn’t meant to be… In 3 weeks after positive cheapy I felt like something was wrong..spotting at first, bleeding later and horrible back pains. I don’t usually go to doctors but this time I had to. Anyways I was sent back home like everything was ok and that’s why I hate doctors and our healthcare system. They just don’t care. The nightmare began later; I couldn’t stand that pain and had so heavy bleeding that couldn’t find enough towels to get to the hospital. I thought I was dying and couldn’t do a damn thing to be fine again…half an hour to prepare for surgery seemed eternal. I lost much blood and the only look of it made me freaked out.. I survived and trying to cope with this but I just can’t forget. I don’t know anyone who can understand how I feel…
Then I found out that my uterus is much smaller than it should be and it’s T-shaped…I couldn't carry a baby! Why me? I will never be pregnant, won’t feel a baby kicking inside, won't be a mother. I’m broken…I must stop thinking about this but I just can’t. I see my hubby suffering and trying to stay positive when I’m with him and it’s twice as difficult to stay sane.
How to live without children when the only thing you are longing for is to be a mother?