Nurse phoned this afternoon and it was a BFN. I know I pretty much expected it but I suppose I still clung onto an inkling of hope.
I just feel so disappointed. I was really hopeful for this cycle.. maybe it would be third time lucky, maybe because it was a FET it would work as my body would be in better shape for the transfer, maybe my Dad who I lost last year would be looking down on me, maybe because I'd had all my endometriosis cleared out now my body could cope better with it, maybe we just deserved some bloody luck after the worst year ever last year..... I mean, why WOULDN'T it work this time?!
Well, it didn't work. And I jus need to face up to it. I just feel so disappointed in myself, I feel awful for my husband. ALL our friends have children now. He is the only one left in his group of friends who doesn't. Every week I cringe at a new 'announcement' and I've just become bitter now. I don"t want to socialise any more. I feel so alienated.
So what's next? I just don't know if I can go through a fourth round and certainly not until I know why everything has failed so far. Three rounds of IVF and a miscarriage from a natural pregnancy. There's clearly something not right.
Then there's the cost... because I fell pregnant naturally last January after the first two rounds we lost our funding for any more so we have to pay now. I don't think there's much point wasting £5k + when it is more than likely going to fail. I am 40 next Feb so the chances of it working now are slim to none.
Sorry for the 'rant', I just needed to vent as I'm stuck at work the rest of the day having to put on a brave face and stay positive for everyone like I always do when all I want to do is burst into tears. I don't want to play any more... I want to go home, get into bed and never have to face the world again!