Maybe it's easier to share with strangers? TTC heartbreak

Hi everyone

Maybe I need to vent or maybe someone can give me some words of advice. Our situation is that we have been ttc for 4 years and doctors can't find any reason why we can't conceive. I'm 38 now. I have been poked prodded and tested and had three rounds of clomid and still nothing.

My husband has a daughter from a previous, even though she is now 21, I can't have any more help from the NHS. I have tried holistic approaches this year and they have helped me mentally to stay positive but now I feel like he and I are struggling with the ongoing disappointment every month. He said to me yesterday that maybe we should give up and if it happens it happens. Move on with our lives in other ways. My husband is so kind and loving but I know the heartbreak for him is terrible too. I'm not ready to give up but now I just feel lost with what to do next.

15 Replies

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  • You have come to the right place for support-these ladies are amazing on here 💕

    Aww so sorry to hear your story x. Trying for a baby can be so difficult-unless going through this ordele people don't understand.

    Have you considered getting a second opinion in case something has been over missed? Sometimes private medicine can spot things better than the NHS-I don't like to bash it as we are fortunate to have access to free healthcare-but they don't have the resources do they?

    I have a son from a previous relationship and we can't access NHS funding for IVF. In 2014 we were discharged with trying or IVF and we can't fund you. It felt like our world came down around us. Such a rule shouldn't exist-everyone has the right to be a parent-who are they to play god with people's lives?

    Fast forward 2 years later and me being under the care of many gynaes for period problems resulted in me getting a referral to a fertility clinic. I was lucky-I never imagined my GP agreeing to the gynaes recommendation.

    Here we are. Our appointment was in August and we discovered after 5 long painful years of trying that I have PCO. The 5 years we tried we didn't have a chance. The last consultant was dismissive and misdiagnosed me. Just didn't care. Another one off his work load.That's why I say it's always worth getting another opinion.

    Our new consultant is amazing and has prescribed me clomid-I'm on my third cycle. I get 6 months worth. I'm confused why you are only being offered 3?

    I also had my Nk cells tested this year-its too high. Mines 12% ideally should be under 10%-but as it isn't over 15% my consultant dose not think that'll stop me from falling pregnant. But he did say if I fall ill be prescribed steroids to take during the early weeks. Best £400 I spent!

    I can understand where your hubby is coming from-it is a big decision for you both to make.you must do what is right for you.such a personal decision.

    Perhaps if you are not ready to give up maybe do things for you. Whether it's joining a gym arts and crafts do things for you.

    Myself I've embarked on a career change-I'm studying teaching and supporting level 3 as well as voulunteering in a school twice a week. It's given me new direction and something to really get my teeth into! And a nice distraction from the world of infertility...

    Not that it ever really disappears-every month we pray and hope it's our turn. Nothing wrong with having hope-hope is the only thing that keeps me going through this nightmare.

    I wish you the very best for the future and hope you find happiness.

    X

  • Thank you for taking the time to respond to me it really means a lot. I read the stories on here and know that no one has it easy unfortunately.

    Congratulations on your career change and going for it. I've been staying in my job as the maternity pay is excellent and I never thought I'd be stuck here so long.

    Maybe I should pay private for further testing then as I have seen a specialist on and off at NHS for all of this year and she said there are no more tests to do.

    I've been so positive all year and just having a tough few days.

    Thanks again for replying and lots of best wishes to you too

    Xxxxxxx

  • I would-there is no such thing as unexplained infertilty.

    My general gynae laughed when I said it was unexplained- he was like pah! No such thing. Must have taken pity on me coz he got me to see the leading specialist there. 🌈

    If you go to see another specialist take all of your test results -they will look over them and see if something has been over looked. I know there are some ladies on here who have been told it's unexplained and seen a private consultant and lo and behold they find the reason for the infertility. 🤔

    I hope you can get to the bottom of it-there is nothing worse than being fobbed off with unexplained-the medics made me feel like I was being paranoid-I proved them wrong 😂

    X

  • Hi me and hubby been trying to conceive for 11 years now he has 3 kids from 1st marriage so not eligible for ivf 😣 Been prodded and poked for so many years then reached the end of my tether so gave now and now after 5 years feel ready to pick up again I'm loosing weight and changed my job house and diet got 1st appointment on Friday this week and hope to be given some good news to move forward much baby love to all can't wait to share this journey with you all through the highs and lows and morning. Sickness and pains to our main goal of a much wanted family xxx ❤️❤️❤️❤️

  • Hi

    Sorry your journey is so much longer than mine I can't imagine. Good luck with the appointment and help that follows and more importantly to get the end result we are all hoping for xxxxx

  • Hi, so sorry to hear about the situation youre in, it can be so hard. Just wanted to say I'd second the idea of a second opinion and pos even going privately for this.

    Reason I say this is my consultant works for both the NHS and privately but he couldn't prescribe some tests and meds on the NHS that he could privately, they're just not funded by the NHS. Depending on who you talk to on the NHS, some registrars and other consultants didnt even recognise some of the things I was discussing because they had no experience of it, purely because they had never worked privately. I understand that their hands may be tied with what they can prescribe or test but I was gobsmacked that they wouldn't even acknowledge some of the issues I Knew I had.

    Some examples of the different approach in my experience: NHS wouldn't recognise my short luteal phase as being a potential implantation issue until I found the consultant that works both NHS and private. Private consultant found I had scarred tube, he did the op on the NHS and I conceived naturally 4 months later, went back to him again after 3.5 years ttc no. 2, after testing he gave me tamoxifen instead of clomid but can't get it on NHS - apparently it's better for implantation than clomid and not so harsh if you continue taking it beyond 3 months so higher success rates plus he scanned me just before ovulation every time so we could see how I was responding - gave me hope when I could see the eggs there.

    Sorry for the novel! Just wanted to back up what others are saying and give you some examples. I hope you get the help you deserve! X

  • Thank you for your interesting post. Did you just google for a private specialist? The only person I've seen at NHS worked privately but deals more with operations and pregnancies rather than pre- pregnancy. I'm sure some hospitals just don't take it seriously.

    I'm going to get my file and speak to someone next week

    Thank you for taking the time to reply I really appreciate it xxx

  • Ah you're very welcome! I didn't google TBH, i found out that there was a highly regarded consultant within the NHS team that everyone wanted to see and when I asked around to find out why it turns out he's well regarded in his field and has written books and been involved in some studies, so I asked to see him on the NHS and asked him outright about some of my concerns that I didn't feel were being acknowledged in the NHS. He was cautious in how he answered yet clear that he could investigate more/try different things privately, so I booked in to see him. X

  • Please tell me you live essex/ Hertfordshire so I can go there? 😂Xx

  • Nooo sorry! I'm in south east london. Might be worth asking for anyone on the site who lives your direction to PM you any recommendations for consultants they really rated?

  • It is such a tough journey isn't it and as some of the ladies have said on here unless you are going through it some people just do not understand.

    I have had 6 failed rounds of ICSI and I am in the process of going down the DE route. It took a little bit of soul searching but I know this is our last shot before we call it a day (I have made my peace with that).

    Are you able to get a second opinion? Are you maybe able to finance IVF privately and go down that route?

    I wish you all the very best with whatever avenue you pursue.

    xxx

  • Hi

    Sorry to hear you have had a completely tough time thank you for sharing. I know someone who used DE and she has a beautiful daughter first time. I think you ladies are all right I need to get my files and pay for a specialist to look at everything as NHS is very half hearted and the only thing they didn't lose on my file was that my husband had a daughter already.

    You have all restored my faith that I need to do everything I can to get answers and god willing my first BFP

    Best of luck on your journey xxx

  • We couldn't have IVF on NHS because of our location, Essex doesn't have NHS funding for it so we went private. We had to take loans out to do it as we didn't have anywhere near enough in savings but its possible. IVF may not be for you but if it's something you're interested in, we used Boston Place Clinic in London and they are the loveliest people. Try looking them up. I was terrified going in for my first attempt and they made it such a breeze. They really look after you there. Even if you just look into it for some information they are so kind and helpful.

    Best of luck whatever you decide. Xxx

  • Amazing thank you I love a recommendation especially for this I'll find their details xxx

  • You're welcome. It's a tough decision. I was devastated when I found out I was resistant to clomifene and that NHS didn't fund IVF where we live, which we were told was our only option to conceive. It's a rocky road and unfortunately we had two failed attempts (one failed fertilisation and one miscarriage) but we're on a third attempt now so hopefully it'll be third time lucky :) it's been tough but honestly if you think you may want to try IVF I can't recommend them enough. Here's the link: bostonplaceclinic.co.uk

    You just feel safe there and can't help but trust them.

    They have open evenings sometimes but I think you can just ring and schedule a consultation to suit you as well. Good luck :) xxxx

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