Feeling down, angry and bitter

My sister is going to have a baby today. It's a planned section which is how I can be so sure it is today. She has been the one person who I told everything to about our infertility. She knows about our miscarriages prior to starting treatment. She told me she was pregnant at 13 weeks. I was devastated she had not trusted me to know prior to this, as selfishly I feel it would have helped me. On asking her why she had waited, expecting her to say she didn't know how to bring it up to me, she replied with I don't want this baby and need to come to turns with it. She went on to say she had to know the sex to help her deal with it, so I know today there will be a baby girl entering the world.

I've not seen my sister during her pregnancy, or if I'm honest really spoken to her. I cannot bear to think about her, let alone see her, pregnant with a baby she doesn't (possibly didn't) want. I know this has been difficult for my parents as they by their own admission they don't know what to say to their daughter who doesn't want another child or to the daughter trying so hard to have one.

I am so angry with her for what she said to me. I can appreciate it was a shock (although I'm not sure how when she had told me a few months prior they had been trying). I just don't understand why she had to say to me she didn't want her baby, I feel it was so insensitive. I have forgiven her for a lot of things in the past but I just can't forgive this.

In contrast, my husbands sister is also pregnant and due end of next month. She didn't know how to tell us, so asked advice from his parents who told us prior to her being 12 weeks. It's not that we aren't happy for people, it just makes our loss much more prominent. They get to share all their happiness while we grieve silently alone for our lost babies.

It seems harder now, and I'm more bitter, after we experienced a chemical miscarriage following our first cycle. Although I'm waiting for the hospital to call today for arranging a teaching day and medication delivery, and it should be exciting. I just feel hopeless.

I know this sounds horrible but I am so disinterested with my sister and her baby. I feel such disdain towards her. I feel I am sinking. I'm so tired of being strong and putting a brave face on every day. I am emotionally drained. I feel guilty for having these thoughts and feelings towards her as we were so close, we'd speak everyday. I feel I have missed out on a big part of her life, but equally cannot move on from what she said.

I'm sorry this is such a miserable post. I've kept it bottled up 6 months and I just had to say it out loud. Although reading it back, I do not come off in a good light. I don't know if it's normal to feel like this, if it will get better, or how I can feel better/ change the situation. I guess like everything else with IVF, it's going to take time.

7 Replies

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  • I promise you that, having read this now, you don't come across in a bad light at all. I totally understand and you have to acknowledge how you feel and deal with it, not give yourself a hard time.

    I am stunned by what your sister said, she should have been much more sensitive to you and those words would haunt me as well. She has obviously got her own issues with her pregnancy and you have to decide your own role in the child's life that you can manage. The birth of the baby will open the door for you to be involved IF you want to.

    As for your sister in law...again I empathise completely. I HATE it when people leave me in the dark about baby things. They think they are helping but actually just make me feel more alone, left behind and pathetic.

    Please stop saying 'should' to yourself and be kind to yourself. You've been through so much and have to put yourself first. Get support here or possibly counselling? I found the latter an 'airy fairy' concept until after my miscarriage and it gave me so much strength to deal with my feelings about the whole thing. Talk to your partner too and don't internalise it all if you an help it.

    Look after yourself xxx

  • I don't think you come across in a bad light because the majority of the ladies here, including myself have had that feeling. That feeling where everyone is having a baby apart from you. You try your hardest to put on a brave face and concious of how you are coming across. That same consciousness is how the other person feels but sometimes they come across as insensitive as they do not fully understand your feelings.

    Take as much time that you need to come to terms with your sisters news and then approach her explaining how she made you feel. Hopefully this will clear the air.

    Please be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up about it too much and focus on your treatment.

    Best wishes. Xx

  • Hun it's totally normal what you're feeling. We were trying for 4 years and the most courteous way my SIL could tell us was in the middle of a party dangling a +test in front of my face. Literally. Turns out they had told the immediate family and waited to tell 'everyone else' at the party. Knowing full well the struggle and torment we had been and were going through. I just sat in the loo and cried. That was 3 years ago and I'm still annoyed about it. She could have took me to one side and gently told me but no. It caused ill feeling between me and my parents because they knew and had been to a 'secret scan with them' and everyone really knew but us.

    I saw them maybe 3 four times during the whole pregnancy as I felt utter bitterness every time. Mostly jealousy and anger from the way we were told/not told.

    Thing that annoys me most about the whole thing is he spends 9 hours a day under childcare 😡

    I don't blame you at all feeling the way you do. How can you feel anything but resentment after saying such a thing and you know she doesn't want this kid?

    You should let it out on here because I was nearly consumed by bitterness towards a good portion of my family over it.

    I hope today is not too hard for you.

    Your not alone Hun believe me, your in the right place xx ❤️❤️😘

  • Ivf brings up feelings in us we didn't even know were there. It is so hard to be happy for others when it's something you want yourself. Then you feel awful for not being happier for others. I hate people's pregnancy announcements being sprung on me. I'm always ok once I get used to it but

    I hate when scan pictures pop up on facebook. It is so tough x

  • Thank you for your replies everyone. Im sorry it has taken me a few days to reply, I just couldn't face it. It's good to know that other people feel this way and that i am not alone. I knew IVF would be physically and emotionally hard but I guess I had no idea to the amount of thoughts and energy it consumes. It is such a draining and lonely experience. I thought about what you all said and talked about it with my husband. I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to me. It really does help to talk through the negative feelings xxxx

  • Hi Mrsp, its normal to feel like that for those who r going through this difficult journey...as you said off course we r happy fr our close one being parents but at the same time we r devastated that why we can't get this happiness even after a lot of suffering...my first pregnancy also ended with chemical miscarriage n today I had FET...I wish this time luck favours me...wi hope u start your another cycle soon n good luck..

  • I will keep my fingers firmly crossed for you. I hope you get the happiness you deserve. Thank you for the reply. I dont post a lot but the replies when i do bring such comfort xxx

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