My sister is going to have a baby today. It's a planned section which is how I can be so sure it is today. She has been the one person who I told everything to about our infertility. She knows about our miscarriages prior to starting treatment. She told me she was pregnant at 13 weeks. I was devastated she had not trusted me to know prior to this, as selfishly I feel it would have helped me. On asking her why she had waited, expecting her to say she didn't know how to bring it up to me, she replied with I don't want this baby and need to come to turns with it. She went on to say she had to know the sex to help her deal with it, so I know today there will be a baby girl entering the world.
I've not seen my sister during her pregnancy, or if I'm honest really spoken to her. I cannot bear to think about her, let alone see her, pregnant with a baby she doesn't (possibly didn't) want. I know this has been difficult for my parents as they by their own admission they don't know what to say to their daughter who doesn't want another child or to the daughter trying so hard to have one.
I am so angry with her for what she said to me. I can appreciate it was a shock (although I'm not sure how when she had told me a few months prior they had been trying). I just don't understand why she had to say to me she didn't want her baby, I feel it was so insensitive. I have forgiven her for a lot of things in the past but I just can't forgive this.
In contrast, my husbands sister is also pregnant and due end of next month. She didn't know how to tell us, so asked advice from his parents who told us prior to her being 12 weeks. It's not that we aren't happy for people, it just makes our loss much more prominent. They get to share all their happiness while we grieve silently alone for our lost babies.
It seems harder now, and I'm more bitter, after we experienced a chemical miscarriage following our first cycle. Although I'm waiting for the hospital to call today for arranging a teaching day and medication delivery, and it should be exciting. I just feel hopeless.
I know this sounds horrible but I am so disinterested with my sister and her baby. I feel such disdain towards her. I feel I am sinking. I'm so tired of being strong and putting a brave face on every day. I am emotionally drained. I feel guilty for having these thoughts and feelings towards her as we were so close, we'd speak everyday. I feel I have missed out on a big part of her life, but equally cannot move on from what she said.
I'm sorry this is such a miserable post. I've kept it bottled up 6 months and I just had to say it out loud. Although reading it back, I do not come off in a good light. I don't know if it's normal to feel like this, if it will get better, or how I can feel better/ change the situation. I guess like everything else with IVF, it's going to take time.