Can't help but think how things were meant to be today. I'd be signed off work, I'd have the nursery ready and waiting, new born clothes washed and ready, over night bag packed, swollen hands and feet and belly waiting for our perfect little baby to arrive and it just makes me want to cry knowing what I've lost and 9 months have passed and nothing since and is this going to be the case for ever more.
I'm surrounded by pregnant friends and work colleagues all due in a couple of weeks/ months and it's so very hard not being able to compare and share the journey that i should have been on with them.
I'm sorry for the depressing and negative post but I couldn't let this day go without acknowledging it. I Know that many of you will understand these feeling and will have shared the same grief for which I am so sorry.
My heart is broken and I don't want to have to deal with the heart ache of it all, af has obviously reared its ugly head today and I just feel that my body has failed me of the most natural experience in life and I can't understand why - I know this is a pointless question to ask but it makes me so angry.
I hate how this has affected me I don't want to wallow in self pity and be a bitter person I want to get off the fertility merry go round and live my life but I can't I'm stuck on it hoping and praying it isn't the end.
I don't want to share this with family and friends they just don't get how painful it is so thank you for this forum. I would be incredibly isolated without the support of all of you amazing and caring lot xxx
34 Replies
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I couldn't just read and leave. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I felt the same last year around my due date and felt like I had to go through the grieving process all over again. Again around Christmas which was when we found out and how different Xmas was this year. I don't think anyone can understand if they haven't been there but a lot of us do.
Take the time to be upset and grieve over the next few days and then you'll start to feel better again. Life is very cruel but we are strong. Xxx
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Thanks jacs0008 I think that's all we can do allow ourselves to grieve and cry go through the process and know that there will be better days to come. The milestones dates will always be the hardest. Best of luck for your treatment hope the transfer goes well and hoping for better news for the end of the year xxx
I was in the same position as you last year - with friends and colleagues too having babies around me. I honoured the day by the walking up a mountain and saying goodbye. It helped a little. Be very kind to yourself today and let yourself feel these feelings. XxxxX
Sorry to hear you have been through this already I think the milestone dates are always the hardest to bear. Your walk sounds like it was a nice way to mark the occasion I'll try and do something similar myself have a good cry let it pass and then try and move forward. Wishing you all the best with your treatment I hope all works out for the best xxx
Thank you so much... I am trying to just enjoy the excitement and optimism before I start treatment... as I am cautiously realistic about the lows aswell as the highs that may be ahead without sounding too negative.....
Sending you huge hugs xxx
Thinking of you and sending big hugs xxx
Thinking of you. Sending you a big hug & lots of love xxxx
So sorry you feel this way and totally understandable though. Be kind to yourself and I like the idea of doing something today. The day will pass and I hope be followed by better ones. Xxxx
Hope you find some happiness in a difficult day xx
Awwww hun
.sending a huge hug to you.this rollercoaster really does make you feel all kinds of things.and its totally understandable.dont give up hope.you are a strong woman for even posting exactly how you feel.you are not alone.one day you will get your miracle
Xx
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Thank you lawmom hopefully our little miracles aren't too far off in the future xxx
Thank you Abbie I think I cried all my tears yesterday just feeling tired today. Hope your last appointment went well and your able to start treatment again soon xxx
First am very very sorry for your loss/ pain. I know exactly what you are going through, time is a healer but you will need a lot of time. It's an indescribable pain and sadness that only a mother/ partners can feel. Nothing can take away your wishes of holding your own flesh and blood or even thinking of those beautiful milestones, plans and memories. It's took me a long time to carry on and not forget but to just get on with life. I hope you take one day at a time in your own way, no one can make this better but yourself so take time to do what you need to. Thinking of you 😘🙏🏼✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨ inbox me if you wish x
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful message fatooli, I'm sorry to hear that you have experienced and understand the same pain life is hard at times xxx
What a horrible time. You poor thing. There is nothing I can say to ease your pain but know that we are all thinking of you and wishing things easier for you. Make sure you do whatever you need to do to try to feel a little brighter xxx
I just read your post and I can feel how much pain you're in. I'm so sorry. Made me cry.
It was a year on from my due date last week and everything you say totally resonates with me. I've seen four of my team at work go off on maternity leave since I lost my babies. One of them twice! My closest friends have all had their perfectly planned first and second children over the last few years and I've been left behind.
I am so sorry for your broken heart and loathing for your own body for letting you down. It doesn't matter how much your rational mind tries to wrestle with those feelings. I can't escape that is how I feel. It's not my fault but it feels like it is. It's not anyone else's fault but it feels like it is. It's just so unfair!
I feel exactly the same; stuck here. I want to get off and get on with my life but I can't because 'what if'. It's so hard.
I don't know if you've come across 'saying goodbye' but it's a lovely idea, to mark the occasion and the love that you have for your baby. On our due date we went to the coast and took four beautiful sunflowers, one for each of the babies I've lost over the years, and threw them out to sea. We watched them go and said a few words. It was lovely, sad and actually quite comical in the end because they just kept coming back onto the shore. I felt a surge of love for my partner as he kept flinging them as far as he could cos he knew how much it meant to me that they went off to sea. We were both soaked by the time we left!
I think we're going to do something similar this time. Just to acknowledge that this exists, because sometimes it feels like to the rest of the world it doesn't. I think this is one of the hardest things about infertility and pregnancy loss. No one can see it, or understand it if they haven't been through it, so it's almost like it's not even there. Though for us it's everything. I finally really understand how important it is to allow yourself that acknowledgement.
Phew, that was a long one! I'm thinking of you. Much love xxx
I'm so sorry to hear you share the same grief Clare Lou it is just incredibly sad for us all.
I know it's difficult talking to others who haven't experienced this grief and I think it's because there are just no words of comfort it's just off loading the grief and managing our feeling the best we can. Everything you say is just so true we know the logical answers to our questions but it doesn't stop the heart feeling what it does.
Someone else mentioned saying goodbye unfortunately they werent open last Sunday but it has made me think that I was incredibly lucky to carry my baby for 8 weeks I have had the experience and i saw my baby on the monitor and I will be forever grateful for the time I was pregnant.
That's is so lovely that you and your partner had that moment together by the sea and I bet you think back to your little angels every time you see sunflowers now.
Thank you for your kind words it helps so much to be able to relare to others who are unfortunately on the same wave length. We will get through the best that we can and have hope and faith that better things to come xxx
Thank you for your reply. You are right, it really does help to be able to express these feelings in a safe space where others understand.
What you said about feeling lucky and grateful to have been pregnant and having seen your little one on the monitor is just so beautiful and brave. I am striving for this kind of gratitude but I'm so far away from that right now.
I know that saying goodbye have services every few weeks where you can light a candle and mark the love and loss you feel. Maybe there is one near you, if that's something that would help...
Thank you. Somehow we will get through this and hopefully it will all be worth it in the end! Xxx
the thing is you don't intellectually control how you feel and your feelings are ok and valid as yes its so bloody unfair and its not like you plan negative feelings in malice is it?
I found that putting on sad music at home was helpful as I had a good long cry to it and at home its nice and private and you can take your time there and a good cry does help you heal and get those feelings out.
I am so sorry to read about your situation my dear. I lost my 9 year old daughter in an accident and for a year i went through a lot but i never gave up. I know I can never bring her back but my husband and I decided to try for another baby. The age factor made it difficult for me to conceive but we opted for surrogacy at a clinic in Ukraine and today our surrogate is two months pregnant. My advice to you is that you should never stop trying since there are many ways of conceiving these days. Be strong! I know the loss is too big but powering through it is the only option.
Im so sorry to hear the lost of your daughter I can't comprehend what you must have been through, i suppose the grief never goes away and that she will always be in your mind but I'm glad to hear that you are carrying on with your life and lovely to hear your surrogate is pregnant I suppose none of us know what is round the corner for any of you. Wishing your surrogate all best for a healthy pregnancy xxx
I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what you have both been through. You are so strong. Wishing you and your surrogate all the luck in the world for this pregnancy! Xx
I feel for you, I'm so sorry you've been experienced this. I know it's hard when all around are with babies. But don't give up, I believe the God sees everything he will help you. He will hear your prayers, just it everything a time.
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