Why does it always come in unexpected waves...?

[NsKaz]

So I guess I'm just having a moment... the sadness that comes with infertility seems to just hit me in waves. The only thing I can liken it to is grief - it hits you when you least expect it. I know I have to stay strong, have hope and be patient, but sometimes I just can't take it and want to scream!

My dh has just shown me a picture of my best friends new baby & it's totally floored me. 3 friends have given birth in the last 3 weeks since my BFN. It's just so gutting & I know that makes me sound like a bitch but I can't help it. I'm sure somewhere deep down inside is the person I used to be feeling overjoyed for these friends but the cloud of infertility just hangs over me and stops that part of me coming out.

I have gone to visit one of these friends and met their baby so I know I can do it, but as I think I've mentioned it before I just find it so hard with my best friend. This whole situation has put such a strain on our friendship. She just doesn't understand and always says the wrong thing (at least you can drink, at least you don't have to have sleepless nights, at least you have disposable income. A) I have been pretty much teetotal since ttc, b) Id cut my arm off to have a baby & sleepless nights c) I don't have any disposable income as I've been spending it all on alternative therapies 😡)

I don't know, I'm just feeling emotional tonight - I know it will pass as I've been here so many times before. I know I have to stop my brain from going down the "will this ever happen for me Road", but I just had to vent!

Hopefully tomorrow will be better & I'll find the strength I need to go and see my friends and have cuddles with their new babies.

Anyway, thanks for listening lovelies! Wishing you all love & luck wherever you might be on your journeys xxx

[E_05]

Hope you feel a little better after having a vent, I think it definitely gives you more head space writing feelings down. I agree, this whole journey is like a grieving process, we are forever grieving for what we want our bodies to be able to do and the losses we are experiencing along the way.

So sorry your having such a hard time with your best friend, it does make it a lot more difficult when they don't seem to understand at all. I would say don't put any pressure on yourself, go when you feel ready. You can still support your friends and speak to them about their babies without having to visit if you don't feel strong enough. It's taken me a while to realise but we have to put ourselves first, it's not being selfish it's doing what we need to get through xx

[NsKaz in reply to E_05]

Thank you so much for your kind words, understanding and advice xx I do feel better this morning. Just have to ride the waves I guess. I'm trying to not be so hard on myself & having you ladies as support is really helping. Thanks again and hope you're ok xxx

[E_05 in reply to NsKaz]

Ah glad it's helped, definitely it can be hard balance between riding the waves and drowning in them but I think this forum is such a great place to keep us all afloat! Look after yourself xx

[Positive2022]

Really hope you feel better soon lovely. It is a grieving process and until anyone has been through it I don't think anyone can really fully understand the rollercoaster of emotions you go through. I'm only at the beginning of treatment (a/w clinic appointment) and i've already had so many down days asking myself 'why us, what have we done wrong etc' so I fully understand. It's important to share your emotions, if you need to let off steam my inbox is always open xxx

[NsKaz in reply to Positive2022]

Thank you so much, that means a lot. Good luck with everything! Hope treatment goes well and your dreams come true xxx

[Positive2022 in reply to NsKaz]

Likewise xxx

[Jaky76]

Xxxxxx. Big hugs xxxxxxx

[NsKaz in reply to Jaky76]

Thanks Hun xx

[Oakey80]

Aw hun, I know exactly what you mean. I coped with these on/off feelings for 5yrs before I got my bfp. Most days I'd jog along quite nicely, but others it consumed me for little to no reason at all. It would just hit me out of nowhere. I'd often see photos of kids who were born around the same time ours would have been, if we'd got lucky straight away and that would make me sad...let alone all the pregnancy announcements in that time. I still get sad thinking about how I should have 2-3 kids now...and I'm only ever likely to have the 1 (which I'm very grateful for)...most people don't understand our lives and our journey.

When I was in my last 2ww, my best friend sat on my sofa quaffing wine and telling me how she thinks "only children" and children who's mums work, turn out to be weird! I said my kid will be screwed then as it's likely to be hit both barrels! We're not all lucky enough to pop out kids like ping pong balls (she had 3 in 3yrs)...and we're not all lucky enough to be able to give up work to look after them!...its just a general lack of understanding because people are wrapped up in their own lives and sometimes genuinely feel a bit jealous of us (yep crazy I know!) I know my friend cries for the career she gave up, and drinks wine every night just to get through the next day....but one thing ivf has taught me is not to judge as we all have our crosses to bear!

Hope you feel better today....and remember you're not on your own.

xxx

[NsKaz in reply to Oakey80]

Thank you so much for your reply and sharing your story with me. And massive congratulations on your BFP!!! You're right it is lack of understanding, but I must learn not to be judgemental. This journey brings up so many uncomfortable feelings (jealousy, anger, bitterness, judgement) but I need to find a way not to let them get the better of me! Feeling a bit brighter today and sure once I'm up and about I'll be ok. Thanks again for replying (makes me feel less alone!) and best of luck with your pregnancy. So lovely to see / hear success stories. Take care Xx

[Oakey80 in reply to NsKaz]

Ah you're welcome. Just remember all those feelings you mention are totally normal as long as they don't take over your life every single day, as that would be miserable!...its also ok to judge everyone on your "off" days...I certainly did! Sometimes it's only on reflection, when the resentment has passed, can you see the real picture! Good luck with your journey!! 🍀🍀🍀

[7AVA]

Oh NsKaz, it's so familiar what you are saying and I'd like to say to you what I should say to myself when I feel like this - stop being so hard on yourself. Try not to beat yourself up for not wanting to see new babies right now. My advice would be to give yourself some time and space until you feel ready to meet them. We all have good days and bad days. Look after yourself, keep yourself busy today with things which you want to do and try not to dwell on this. I hope I'm not coming across as telling you what to do - it's more me saying out loud what I say to myself when I feel like this. Xxx

[NsKaz in reply to 7AVA]

No not at all! I'm thankful for your reply. I can't tell you how much it means to me to have a forum where I can be completely honest and not be judged. Being surrounded by people who actually understand what I'm going through has been a lifeline. Thanks for your advice - I'll try to be kind to myself. Feeling better this morning - sometimes all we need is a good cry I guess!

Thanks again. Hope you're ok xxx

[7AVA in reply to NsKaz]

I'm doing ok at the moment thanks - waiting for medicated FET cycle to start later in the month. Have a good day xxx

[theblondeone]

I have felt exactly the same as you on many many occasions. I am literally the only person I know over 30 without a child. It's so hard hearing pregnancy announcements or friends complaining about their children.

One of my best friends just told me she's pregnant again about 2 weeks after she told everyone else as was worried about my response which really hurt. When I saw her she said exactly what your friend said at least you can drink, at least you don't have morning sickness etc

I went home really upset wishing I had morning sickness instead of side effects from IVF. When I saw my other best friend I had a rant about it. Then she said to me. It's ok to not be ok. I needed to hear that & then broke down. I rarely cry infront of anyone but that probably makes it worse to bottle it all up. She told me her & my other friends that know about the treatment feel guilty sometimes & don't know what to say to me.

Like you said it's like grief & when you lose someone nothing anyone says can help but they mean well. I hope your friend is like mine & just trying to say anything to try to make you feel better. Her heart is probably in the right place. Unless someone has been through this they won't understand.

Remember it's ok to not be ok x

[Sally2605]

I am so sorry! I completely understand and have days like this too. Went out for a walk the other day and bumped into a someone I know who's granddaughter was just born. She was so excited and was showing me pictures. I felt happy for her but was already feeling a bit low and came home and just cried. Then had someone same day announce pregnancy on Facebook... some days are just hard!! You are not being mean or unsupportive. Everything you're feeling is so understandable. Definitely be kind and gentle to yourself on those days. It helps me to hold and be held by OH a bit more on those days. That's when the extra love is needed xxx

[Katybetter]

I was in this EXACT same situations earlier this year. 3 friends all fell in the same month. Announced it the same month & gave birth the same month. It was heart breaking. I was happy for 1, annoyed at 1 & didn't care about 1. It was very difficult for me. I avoid situations when I'm not feeling strong enough. I'm not going to make my life any harder than it already is. This is my life & I'll go at my pace. This has taken a long time for me to do but I'm doing it. Real friends will understand. I hope you're feeling better soon. X

[Leesara]

Can be so so so difficult, can't it?!?

You inspire me to be strong, with being able to visit others with babies.

Wishing you all the best and continued strengths

[Scarlett13]

❤️😘

[NsKaz]

Thank you everyone for you replies. So sorry that we are all in this rubbish situation but love that we have this forum and we can pick each other up when we are feelings down xx take care all of you. Wishing you love and luck in your journeys xx

[Hopeful1982]

Hi

I think when those around you have babies it reminds you of what you don't have and what you do desperately want. It's worth saying to your best friend her comments aren't helpful. Tell her you just want her to smile, nod, agree and give you a hug when you need it. Yes, sleepless nights are hard but as you say being able to have a full nights sleep doesn't give you much comfort just now and of course she wouldn't give up her baby and everything that comes with it for the world.

Wishing you the best of luck x

[NsKaz in reply to Hopeful1982]

Thanks Hun xxx

[Lind1607]

I know exactly how you feel , my sister had a baby the day we found out my husband could not have kids , took me two weeks to go see her and she was extremely over protective as don't think she trusted me with her due to what had just happens, I get days where I just cry and it's because another person is on their 2nd child but I haven't even had 1 yet , it's the hardest thing in our lives to go through and no one but people that go through the same pain will understand.

If you need to cry don't be a shamed it's a natural thing especially with hormones , stay strong and remember we are here for you x

[NsKaz in reply to Lind1607]

Oh Lind so sorry to hear that. It's just so difficult isn't it? Thank u for your lovely message xxx