Help - frazzled nerves!

A week ago, I serenely promised myself that I would not clog up this board with posts like this in my 2WW. After all, I thought, how hard can it be??!! Well, I am sorry. 5dp5dt and here I am a quivering mess, trying hard to calm the ever- increasing terror that this has not worked. I have no symptoms whatsoever...in fact, apart from the bloating caused by the pessaries, I feel exactly the same. Not special. Not different. Not pregnant. I guess I was very naive because I have never been pregnant, that I thought somehow I would a) get all the textbook symptoms b) just 'know' we had conceived. Well I feel like it hasn't worked and it is sending me into a flat spin. I can't face peeing on a stick...my hands literally start to shake even thinking about my OTD, so I seem stuck in a sort of 'Schroedinger's baby' scenario at the moment. My beloved husband is so excited, I don't think I could cope with a negative outcome as he would make a responsible, caring, beautiful father and I feel like that dream is slipping further away with each passing day.

I don't know how you all do it. The blazing courage. I am just not a very brave person and terrified about how I will cope with a negative outcome. None of our friends have an inkling of what we've been through the past 3.5 years, my mum and darling nana are gone and my precious sister has challenging circumstances of her own, so although she does know, I try not to burden her too much. So if it wasn't for the angel ladies on this site, I think I would have had a nervous breakdown by now!!

I am sorry for the self-indulgent nature of this post but I keep waiting on some confirmation from the universe that this has worked, but it seems stonily silent.

58 Replies

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  • Sorry to hear that your struggling the 2ww is defo the worst part, I am 9dp5dt and haven't felt much apart from a few cramps that feel like af is on the way. But keep positive and keep believing if it's meant to be it will xxx

  • Thank you Button, I appreciate the support xx I will have everything crossed for you as your OTD approaches. 😘

  • Thanks I am also super nervous and scared and know I wouldn't cope without the wonderful ladies on here. Try and relax as hard as it is and defo post if you need to that's what we are all here for. Good Luck xxx

  • 😘

  • Dpdt - is that days passed and days to go? So for some it's 14 days? I can't imagine what that long wait must be like!!!!! Good luck to you all currently on it xxx

  • Hi Scarlett, that 5 days past my 5 day egg transfer. Official test date is 12th June so another 7 days to go...yikes!!!

    Thanks for the support xx

  • How many days until OTD? As I got closer I didn't want to test at all... I didn't want to break the bubble or test in case it was a BFN or wrong. What if I pee'd on the stick in the wrong angle (?!). I wanted to stay in the bubble and not worry. Now? It's not much better. I don't feel pregnant, no symptoms, and I've no idea what it should feel like.

    I've even had crazy thoughts that if it had worked (and I can't use the P word to describe myself at all) am I not having weird feelings because it was a donor egg.

    I guess what I'm saying is try not to beat yourself up for not feeling anything. Im not sure it improves! On my darkest day in 2ww I watched Bridget Jones' Baby. "What was I thinking?!" You're probably asking! But it really made me laugh. Amused me and just let me switch off xxx

  • Hi CountryCat - it's not an indulgent post at all. Your feelings are completely understandable. I'm getting towards the end of my stimming on my 1st cycle & I think the 2ww makes me more nervous than the thought of EC!

    Just wanted to give a but of reassurance. When I had my son (naturally), I felt nothing at all. I didn't feel pregnant or have any symptoms for weeks & weeks. Please try not to worry that it hasn't worked & not having ant symptoms is not a sign.

    Take care & baby dust to you 🌌🌌🌌 xxxxx

  • Thank you Pumpkin, that means so much! I keep feeling like a failure for NOT feeling things 😟

    I have everything crossed for you xx

  • Thank you - fingers crossed for you too xxx

  • Thanks Emu - watched Bridget Jones' baby in March and was emotional enough back then, so big ups for tackling that in the crazy tww!! I watched Spaceballs last night, because I loved it as a kid and it is just bottled silliness - trying to distract myself in any way possible.

    Oh...and Google is the devil 😝😈

    Can't wait to hear news from your first scan...not too long now πŸ’–

    Xxx

  • Ahhh I don't think you're being self indulgent at all. Everyone has ups and downs in this roller coaster journey. I think the 2ww is the hardest bit when you can literally do no more towards it and just have to sit and patiently (or not so patiently) wait. Is this your first cycle CountryCat?

    I've just had EC so will be joining you on the 2ww shortly. This is my 3rd cycle. Have a feeling it's going to be a pretty tough one this time.

    Take it easy and just be kind to yourself,

    xxx

  • You are so kind!

    Yes, my first cycle so although I read a lot beforehand, nothing can really prepare you for the experience. I am a bit if a control freak, so as you can imagine, this whole process has really thrown me some curved balls ! 😝

    I will keep a look out for your updates but hope that this cycle is IT for you and that EC goes smoothly xx

  • No you're totally right. I'd already my supported my sister and best friend through ivf before starting myself so thought I had a pretty good idea what it would be like but.... hell no! Nothing can prepare you for the psychological and emotional side of it. I know what you mean about curved balls and lack of control. It's perfectly normal. I think the unknown and lack of control is very hard for everyone doing this. You're totally not alone in that. I have had to be cautious as I've tried to exert control in other areas of my life to compensate which also hasn't gone down too well!!

    Thanks for the luck,

    Will be thinking of you and hoping your outcome is a good one xxx

  • Big hugs xxx

  • Awww CountryCat. Don't you dare feel that you're being self indulgent posting about your nerves! That's what we're here for and we all do it at some stage! We're all in the unique situation that we don't have many people that either know our struggles and can't possibly understand the stress that this all causes us! Lots of ladies don't have any symptoms and lots do! I know what you mean about Google, it is evil but we just can't stay away.....I'm never off the damn thing....I'm sure my hubby thinks I'm having an affair sometimes, I'm on my phone all the time! Lol πŸ˜‚ Then when he realises he says "on bloody Google again"!! It's hard but you're doing great!! Chin up toots, it's just a wobble!!xx

  • LOL...an affair with your phone πŸ˜‚ Priceless! Mine ( having told me to stop Googling) always walks into the room and with major suspicion in his voice asks: 'What are you doing???' As if he needs to ask!

    Thank you for responding...I am truly grateful xx

  • I feel ya! OTD tomoro for me and I feel nothing!!

    You are brave, never say that ur not!! U wouldn't have come this far if u weren't full of courage! So whatever the outcome, u will get thru this!!

    Wishing u lots of luck xxxx

  • Cloud...I will be thinking of you tomorrow with all the hope in my heart for a good outcome!

    Thanks, I just feel like a wobbly pile of jelly at the moment but I am going to try and wear my big girl panties from now on.

    Everything crossed for you...πŸ€

  • And for u 2 xxx

  • Really sorry to hear u are struggling the 2ww is possibly the worst thing I've gone through ever ! I am day 10 and I've been going mental wishing u lots of luck keep positive 😘 xx

  • Thanks hunny! I need to find my inner cheerleader today...she's hiding in there somewhere πŸ˜‡

    Wow, day 10...so you are on the countdown to test day. I appreciate the encouragement and so hope it all goes your way xx

  • Don't be so hard on yourself, you're not a failure, if anyone knows how hard the 2ww is it's the ladies on here, ivf is cruel with all the waiting and poking and prodding but we're all stronger than we think just for getting through all that. Try and find something nice to do to distract you from the waiting, it's hard not to think about what's going on inside but lots of ladies get bfps without any symptoms so try not to panic, look after yourself lovely, fingers crossed for you xx

  • Thank you. My lovely hubby is going away today for 3 days, but I am seeing my in-laws tonight and a friend for breakfast tomorrow, so trying to find good ways to distract myself and switch ye olde brain off. Patience was never my strong suit but boy, am I learning it now!

    Xx

  • CountryCat! The 2ww, otherwise known as two weeks of pure torture!! The absolute worst bit of it. Last time (cycle 4) our consultant said he wouldn't transfer any back in unless they made it to blastocyst - none did and so I didn't have to go through the 2ww. Was hard at the time to not have any back on board but I felt like I moved on much quicker. What I'm trying to say is it is the worst thing I've ever been through with the waiting. The only thing I can suggest is plenty of distractions like days out, going for a walk, or meeting up with understanding, non-annoying friends! Good luck to you and it is only natural to analyse everything your body is doing for signs xxx

  • Thanks for the support Pinky! I don't know how you have done this 3 times before...you are clearly a very resilient and courageous soul xx

    I am going to try to fret less and keep myself occupied. I am back at work so that has helped enormously, but felt a bit lost when I woke up this morning.

    I appreciate your kind words πŸ’

  • You're welcome :) Neither do I sometimes...not much choice I guess! Wouldn't wish it on anyone.

    Try and enjoy your weekend, nice and sunny here xxx

  • Hun I don't have any symptoms either!! My cramps seem to have stopped, my throat hurts a bit but that stopped to. Ii don't like this process!! Another week to go!! I'm on lubion injections to! My boobs feel massive but that's because of the progesterone as they were like that after egg collection!! Were in this together!! Xxx

  • Thanks so much for the reassurance NDE xx I am doing better now, thanks to you all 😘

    Can I ask why you are on Lubion injections? I am just on Progynova and Utrogestan pessaries (ugh! πŸ˜•) and wondered why some ladies have injections?

    You are right...we will survive the craziness somehow. I am glad your throat is not so sore anymore. Look after yourself xx

  • I'm not too sure why they decided to me on the injections! I still have to have two cycologist pressie aswell. Hoping all these help the embryo to stick!! The injections hurt though x

  • Oh I bet they do! Hate needles so admire you for having to continue them daily. Hopefully πŸ™ it will all be worth it!! Xxx

  • Hi CountryCat

    It's really hard in the 2ww to not get frazzled. My husband and I have been trying for a yr and still haven't had our bfp yet but I too find every month the 2ww is the worst bit. I sit there going "maybe this month?" And then AF comes and the emotions plummet and I have to have a couple of days of crying before I can pick myself back up again to then try again. I don't think it helps that my dr thinks it's all stress related. I even considered having a break and not trying for a while but I read a quote that said "the best things in life are never easy to achieve," so I try and bear that in mind every cycle. I know so many people are struggling through their journey but having recently found all of you lovely ladies on here I don't feel so alone anymore.

    Expressing your feelings so u don't go crazy to me is definitely not self indulgent. Try and keep positive 😊

    I wish u so much luck and baby dust

    Kelly x

  • Thank you Kelly, that is a great motto to have! I blame the IVF meds for a lot of the insanity...I guess the rest I'm manufacturing myself! I appreciate the support and wish you all the best for your journey too xx

  • It's totally understandable how you feel! The 2ww is awful I tested so many times and spent an unnatural amount of time trying to imagine or see lines! Unfortunately it doesn't go away now I have the BFP at last I'm starting to get really anxious at my lack of symptoms! Everyone else I know seems to be sick and I haven't had any sickness. With it being twins and double hormones I'm thinking this isn't normal. I know that everyone is different but we are all human and it doesn't stop us worrying and symptom spotting. Quite often no symptoms is the symptom if that makes any sense 🀣🀣 xx

  • Thank you hun...I am going to embrace your logic of no symptoms being a symptom, I really like that xx

    Congrats again on your double joy and hope you are keeping well.

  • Not self indulgent at all, the 2WW is just torture! Schroedingers baby is genius! You're nearly bang in the middle which from my last two 2ww's I always found the hardest. I found reading lots really helped, try and get a couple of really good books to get stuck into, and hopefully it will take your mind (the tiniest bit) off the huge elephant in the room!! Good luck lovely, fingers crossed for your bfp xxxxx

  • Thank you so much - great advice - I love to read anyway xx

  • Hi. Don't be so hard on yourself. This is the toughest part of the journey, emotionally speaking. I have done two twws now and I didn't think either of them had worked, obviously the second one did but my body wasn't screaming "It's worked!" and I honestly felt it could have gone either way.. If the worst comes to the worst and it is a bfn you will get through it, I promise. Yes it will be crushing but you will come out the other side. Good luck. I hope it has worked. xx

  • You are so supportive to us all xx I think I'll call you Guru Tugs from now on 😘

  • Hahhaha thank you πŸ˜‚ X

  • Hi, oh yes the 2 week wait is so tough! Some tips, go out for dinner lots if you can, always cheered me up and distracted me for a bit, box sets the god send of the two week wait! Mine was Downton Abbey. Also I bought a couple of books. One of them was girl on a train and I literally could not put it down. Little did I know the character in the book also had an IVF cycle (so it wasn't entirely complete escapism - typical my luck I thought at the time) I also had a couple of acupuncture sessions and again that gave me some time to relax....well apart from the session when I thought I could smell burning from leaving my coat too close to the fan heater. Thought I was going to end up being evacuated from the building looking like a human pin cushion!!l ;-) Search you tube for fertility meditations and there are a few that last around 10 mins and are very good. I tried to do these daily. Please believe me that the time will go in and try to fill it with things you enjoy. I so hope it works for you!! Wishing you the very best of luck xx

  • Thanks for your carefully thought out response! I think I need to invest in some box sets - Downton would be good to rewatch, so might revisit that. Headspace has some fantastic meditations which I started before my transfer but have sadly not continued. I must get back to them asap.

    Thanks for the support Lou xx

  • You are very welcome, if I can help in anyway please let me know. Defo get back to the meditation if you can, some find it all a bit airy fairy but personally I found it helpful. Plus this site is a lifesaver, never ever hesitate to post, all of us have experienced or are about to experience what you are going through so there is always support 24/7. Stay positive if you can as there is no reason why this can't be your time xx

  • Bless you xxx 😘

  • Aww hunny keep believing, your nearly there β€πŸŒˆπŸ’‹

  • Thank you so much πŸ’

  • If you can't have a self indulgent (which it's not BTW) download on here then we're not all doing our jobs properly to offer support and understanding as we all muddle alongside you on this crazy rollercoaster ride! You're going through a very nerve-racking time and it's understandable to have so many thoughts whizzing through your head right now. Don't worry about the universe - it has a lot to answer to and just because it's gone quiet on you doesn't mean something hugely exciting may be just around the corner. Hang on in there and all the very best xx

  • Your reply made me cry (in a good way!) Thank you so much for your care and concern xxx

  • You're very welcome. I'm sorry it made u cry, but at least in a good way!! Thinking of you and keep going, you're doing really well x x

  • CountryCat, don't ever think you are being self indulgent. The amazing thing about this forum is that everyone on hear genuinely cares about how others are doing. Whether that's people celebrating positive outcomes, or experiencing days when life seems unfair and cruel beyond belief. We're all here and we all understand, it's what makes us such a valuable support to each other. Big hugs. Xx

  • Well said Ditsy21! X

  • Thank you Ditsy, what you say is so true and 100% my experience of this group!! Good to be reminded and I appreciate your support!! Xx

  • Hey hun

    I can't offer any advice about the 2ww as I haven't got there yet. It sounds like you are a strong and brave lady. You have done so well to get where you are. I lost my mum a few years ago and grandparents this year. I know how tough it is. They will be looking down on you with pride and love. Like you my sister has her own problems although she is amazing. Try and stay strong (easier said than done!) wishing you lots of love, luck and baby dust xxx

  • NMP it is lovely to hear from you and my condolences on the recent loss of your grandparents. I am sure they were treasured and will be very much missed!

    I truly appreciate your kind words 😘 Where are you in the process at the moment??

  • Hey CountryCat,

    Aww no problem at all! I wish I could give some more practical advice but there are so many amazing ladies here...

    Thanks for asking. I start the treatment (nasal spray) sorry I still get confused with some of the terminology used on here in 3 weeks. So a whole host of different emotions at the moment xx

  • I can understand that! I did a slightly different protocol due to using donor eggs - one month of contraceptive pills to sync my cycle with my donor's, one Decapetyl injection to put my body into temporary menopause, then estradiol pills and progesterone pessaries.

    The best advice I can give is to get through it a day at a time. If you look at the whole medicine chest of chemicals you have to take, it can be very daunting, but if you just stick to your schedule and tick off the daily successes, the time will pass, your body will adjust (somewhat!) to your new regime and you will be ready in no time for your transfer day. It is the most insane mix of pure excitement and sheer terror but the ladies on here will see you through...they are superlative!

    I wish you all the best and look forward to seeing how you progress xx

  • Waw it sounds like your treatment has been intense. Bless you!

    I love your advice, I am the world's greatest over thinking and thinking about it all at this point would be far to overwhelming. So it's step by step, day by day and as I've not started yet I've got the luxury of distraction.

    Just reading what you put makes me think how wonderful you and the other girls are doing. I've got everything crossed for you. Sending hugs and baby dust xxx

  • Bless you xx

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