We did some more tests over last 5days, so we had started to buffer ourselves against the news of today's OTD neg preg test.
We have done 3xfailed fresh, 1x failed fet with our eggs, and now this disastrous, traumatic and hugely expensive donor egg cycle. We are starting to think this is the end of our ivf road... although trying to give ourselves space to 'just be' and grieve/take one day at a time at the moment. We are not sure we can put ourselves through all this again. I also have a family history of breast cancer and worry what all this oestrogen and progesterone is doing to me...
Starting to think more positively about adoption, although another scary thing to be thinking about right now. I have always had mixed feelings about donor eggs.. and a lot of me wonders wouldn't it be better to pour the thousands of pounds that go into the ivf money pit, into counselling or whatever an adopted child needs and give someone who really needs it a home... but we also have heard enough tales of 'when adoption goes wrong' to put us off thus far.... So hard! Why us? Wish we could be 'normal'!! Sob sob sob..
And just turned up at work, to bump into a colleague who has been off for a while, and I forgot that I had heard on the grapevine that she is pregnant! I thought I was doing ok, quite calm coming in this morning, but after seeing her I just wanted to cry and cry and cry. Sadly i am in a job where I am public facing so it has been really tough. I just want to go home..
Thanks for listening everybody. Big hugs whatever part of the journey you are on xxx
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Coracle
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Awww so sorry to hear this and that your day has been shit. Your journey is very similar to ours and our first DE cycle failed so I know how crushing it feels, we are just on 2 ww on 2nd DE round but if this fails adoption is going to be the route for us as we just cant keep putting ourselves through this process. Take time to grieve and look after each other, try and plan some nice things to look forward to and in time hopefully the path will become clear for you to move on one way or another. Thinking of you xxx
Thanks so much Button. So sorry your story similar. Really hope you have success this time, and have as much peace as possible during the 2ww. Thanks a lot for your love and kind words xxx
I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a rough time. It's so traumatic getting a bfn and more so when you're coming to the end of your ivf journey. It's so difficult to hear and see others just getting it so easily. In terms of adoption, if we do decide to go down that route, we would consider adopting from abroad. As a teacher, I'm aware that a lot of uk adopted children have either suffered incredible physical or mental abuse and often have very pronounced special needs. I would love a child regardless but I did say to my hubby that having a child who needs that level of support would mean I'd want to cut back to either 2 or 3 days at work which would have a huge financial commitment. When you've had your time to grieve and are ready for your next step, maybe look into adopting from abroad as an option. Sending you a big hug. x
I'm not sure of all of the details. Children adopted in the U.K. are entitled to Pupil Premium money through their education. It's roughly a couple of grand a year. It gets paid directly to the education establishment. In real terms, it doesn't make a huge difference as what children with needs need generally is extra support and that costs a lot more than that. Also, it's very hard to get a baby through adoption in the U.K. Most adopted children are over one. I believe you have more chance of getting a baby from abroad. Until we're at the point of deciding though I'm not looking into it too much. We're not even sure we'll go for adoption. We're considering staying just the two of us and enjoying our life together with holidays and early retirement. We'll make the decision once we've come to the end of our ivf journey. xxx
Yes, I've been having same thoughts re considering overseas adoption as I work in the NHS.. I have no illusions that children up for adoption are there due to neglect/child protection in the vast majority. On one hand, we know these children need loving families, but I also know these children may not really settle anywhere and at worst have huge behaviour problems and there can be huge heartache for all concerned... it is like taking on a job not building a family... but this is where we need to go on inofrmation evenings/hear the stories of those who've been there... to find out more of the facts, the support after adoption etc.. Again, I know these children need loving homes... but can we cope?
Not at all. It's something that plays on my mind. It's incredibly hard to make the decision and I think possibly working in a job where you see the negative sides makes you think twice. I think a lot of people just think adoption is the solution to infertility but it's so much bigger than that. Sometimes I feel guilty that I think I'd rather it be just me and the hubby. I know there are children out there desperate for a home but I honestly don't know if we're right for it. I genuinely believe that when it's decision time we'll be guided as to which decision is the right one. I pray for this for you too. Sending you a huge squeeze! xxx
Thanks so much. Good to know folks out there going through all the same thought dilemmas. I have felt so guilty and selfish at times about how I worry about adoption disaster.. Thanks for that positive thought about 'believing to be guided to the right decision'. Thanks so much. Hugs back to you xxx
I think it's totally fair to worry. I have seen successful adoptions and unsuccessful ones but I can hand on heart say I have never seen an adopted child without some learning difficulties in 13 years of teaching. We are not being selfish, we are being pragmatic and considering what is best for everyone involved. Take your time to grieve and then you can make the best decisions for you both and never ever feel guilty for those. xxx
Adopting from abroad? Wouldn't that be really difficult and expensive? How do you even start the process or find out more about that one? Would appreciate any suggestions if you could pm me. Kind Regards x
Not necessarily and you have to pay court costs in the U.K. anyway. I think you can just google it as you would finding out about adoption in the U.K. I really don't know enough about it yet but was just saying I would look into it if we were to go down that road. x
Oh Hunni, so sorry to hear! Life is so unfair!! Just give yourselves a bit of time b4 deciding your next move!
I'm very like you-very mixed feelings about donor when so many kids out there with no home but my oh won't even discuss so it's not even an option for us
I hadnt even thought about the risks associated with the meds but that is a really good point on top of the emotional side of things.
I know I shouldn't encourage but could you just feign illness now and go home and take rest of week off just to take care of you for a few days? It's a lot to deal with being front facing.give yourself a few days to gather a bit of strength.
Thanks so much. I'm nearly there now, just few more folks to see, then am doing admin. Luckily I had booked tomorrow and friday off as annual leave.
Thanks so much for your sympathy and thoughts, really helps at the moment. xx
My OH has been v resistant re adoption too hence us doing donor, but he seems much more open at the mo.. but as you and the other ladies have said, I think just to try not to do too much 'thinking ahead' at the moment... just need to give ourselves some time
Oh I'm so relieved for u to have a few days off now.that will do u the power of good!!
Yeah I guess us ladies like to plan ahead and have a plan a,b, c but men tend to be more in the moment so maybe become more receptive to other ideas as time goes on.
I hope u get to spend some quality time together over next few days and look after each other xxx
I am so sorry for you both xx I am only just beginning to understand how one can love something so fragile, tiny and unformed. How one's thoughts turn to all sorts of things never considered before, of hopes and dreams for someone you never even met. As this has slowly started to dawn on me, so has the enormous sense of loss when that someone is not there. I cannot begin to imagine how you must be feeling but just wanted to say that your post deeply touched me and I so hope your pain lessens in time. You are so brave to have worked today...I am sad that you have to go through this.
Oh Coracle I understand exactly how you feel and I'm at a very similar point to yourself..I have also had 3xfresh ivf & 1 fet and although I haven't gone down the de route I am in two minds about adoption and seriously wondering if I can put us through any more treatment, especially after a chemical pregnancy last week 😔
I used to work in child protection (until being made redundant) and have seen two sides to adopting. We hoped we'd never have have the necessary discussions about it because IVF would work for us but it hasn't worked out that way and now we're just taking a break before making some big decisions. It's a really tough one isn't it.
So sorry you're struggling with your colleague but glad you have a few days away to get your head together. My sister in law is pregnant and I've avoided her somewhat as it's just too raw right now. Wish I could be 'normal' too! You're not alone, big hugs xxx
Thanks a lot for reaching out, and just sorry you are in a similar position.
Big hugs to you too, so sorry you are coping with sister-in-law being pregnant... that is much closer to home.
We are going to do some gentle adoption research I think and just see how we go.
I have just had a big cry after the end of my work session before doing my admin, and then another big cry in the office of one of our managers and feel a bit better.. plus all the lovely support here. Thank you so much everyone xxx
Awe Coracle I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling. I have very few words but just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you. I'm sending you lots of love and hugs xxx
It's a difficult decision but think you need to go with your gut feeling. I'm a primary school teacher working with young children all day and have always wanted to adopt. So when it came to a choice between adoption and donor eggs we went for adoption. Have never looked back. There have been other comments about adopted children having learning difficulties /many needs . I wouldn't necessarily agree I've taught quite a few adopted children and none of them have had any issues. I also have quite a number of friends and relatives whove adopted and have had a very positive outcome. Yes adoption can be challenging and you certainly need to go into it considering it as a life long commitment and willing to take on board their heritage and birth families. Its not for everyone xx
That's really helpful, thank you. Really good to hear positive stories. My gut feeling has always been positive towards adoption with some worries but OH not so keen/lot of fears, and I was willing to do DE. However, OH seems more open.. we will do some gentle research. x
You mention birth families, one fear my OH has is whether we would have to stay in touch with the birth families, have regular meetings. I would guess that is very unusual. But I know you are in Scotland?
Yes we re in scotland. Physical contact is rare but you may be asked to meet them prior to adoption or do letter box contact. My cousin has adopted 2 and they meet their siblings twice a year. Think you need to accept they have a birth family tho and be aware of this as they grow. Xx
Thanks for the info. The issue is not about not accepting they have a birth family... working in the NHS I do see some of the terrible situations children come from, and I don't believe in those situations ongoing meetings can be helpful, surely in many cases traumatic and confusing. I imagine and hope each situation is different. So.. good to hear to be honest that physical contact is rare.. I am sure it is better to draw a line and move on. But I look forward to reading all the adoption research and advice books! x
Again, working in the NHS, I probably see the worst cases where children are taken away... and don't have as much contact with the more mild cases
Very true. Just give yourself time do some reading on adoption if it makes you feel better. Its always gpod to have another option you ll know what's right for you when all the emotions have settled down xx
Please don't think I don't think adoption isn't a wonderful thing as it is. There are many many successes. It's just been my experience as a primary teacher that adopted children do struggle. Maybe it has been a coincidence that all of them have had special needs or learning difficulties. I apologise if you're hurt or put off by my comments. I certainly wouldn't want you to be. We also have friends who have adopted and their little boy is truly blessed. Again, many apologies. x
Thanks again Mrs C. Don't worry, I think it's good to just discuss these things honestly. I think it is good to face the fact that a lot of these kids and maybe the majority do have struggles. And whether we as a couple can cope with that.... or just get ready to cope with that. xxx
Statistically, children who have been 'looked after' are apparently more likely to be identified as SEND at school... I am not sure what the stats are specifically for post adopted children though.
Remember, there's no guarantee your own biological/DE child wouldn't have learning difficulties... dyslexia is thought to be 10% of the English population for example. At least with adoption you might get a heads up on their needs!
yes, I keep saying to OH there's no guarantee with our 'own'/DE children regarding personality or 'problems'! And at like you say at least w adoption you know a bit about what you're getting!
Lizzie is absolutely right. There are no guarantees and there are difficulties that are thought to be familial anyway and dyslexia is one of them. I think it's just incredibly important to go in with as much knowledge as possible.
One of the things that upsets me at school is when I sit in meetings discussing progress of children and the adopted children are flagged up. Maybe I'm a bit sensitive because I know one day that might be us. I dislike how every adult working in the school is aware of all the adopted children because OfSTED measure their progress specifically. I think it detracts from the point that they are part of a loving family. They become a statistic and I find that frustrating. Where is the measure of their happiness and safety? Two infinitely more important things. x
Ha ha, thanks Lizzie! Felt like it was the final straw, on a day when you hope we are close and together after the grief/disappointment we have a huge huge row.. so hard! But like you say, ivf puts such huge stress on us all. We have made up (ish!) today and told each other we just have to accept we both weren't coping and flipped out, and draw a line under it. xx
Similar position to you. Am just starting our final cycle with 2 remaining FE that we have left after a failed DE transfer maybe a few months ago. It blew my mind when it failed. They build it up almost as a definite (telling us it hasn't worked due to our age, and therefore this is the answer) - well at least they did this to me and my oh. He couldn't believe that it didn't work for our final cycle. I can't say I'm positive about this cycle that we're just starting either. What's the point in building yourself up for failure again... just me.
We just spent a few days away at the coast and yesterday at the beach was the hardest. Watching hundreds of families and young children/ babies and yet it seemed we were the only two adults there alone with nothing... just watching other young children enjoying the sea and the sand. Couldn't even go in the penny arcades as babies seemed to be everywhere. It seems like we've become older than we are... sat with a coffee watching the world go by and being asked by the woman who runs the guesthouse where we stay "what's different this year?" to which we reply nothing. I left my maternity/ beach trousers with a bigger waist at home. I know... getting ahead of myself. I'd almost forgotten about my planning ahead. I always thought by now, I'd be pregnant at least and in bigger clothing. It's the stupid things that make me both angry and sad at the same time.
It's truly heart breaking. Mon, I'm back at work and the number of younger colleagues going for scans and on maternity leave etc.
As for adoption, I would always be happy with that. Could I spend another 2+ years fighting a barrage of questions, interviews and even worse the waiting to see if they think we would be good enough or suitable parents. I already feel like time is running out due to my age and to add another few years thinking there must already be quite a few children or babies out there that would need a loving home and family breaks my heart. Not the same spending time at the beach and wanting to buy buckets, spades and all those little things for kids that we just can't bring ourselves to look at. I would love to adopt but the 2ww is hard enough yet alone a 2+ year wait.
I'm the same as you. Family history of breast and ovarian cancer and after watching a documentary about 'Jules and Mike' on tv, it just made me think... maybe pumping myself full of drugs isn't a good thing. A heartbreaking documentary about a couple supporting each other with cancer, whilst they support each other and bring up their two young boys. I have so much admiration for them. When Jules shared her ivf story it broke my heart and I choked up even more.
Take some time out just to be and when you feel stronger have a think. Wish we all had a crystal ball. hugs, sympathy and best wishes x
Bless you Music1. I can so identify with what you are saying. Thank you for sharing. So sorry you going thru the mill too. Hang on in there for your FE (do u mean embryos, not eggs?) with 2 donor embies in the freezer you are still in with a chance.... But like you say, so hard to try keep positive, but not TOO positive.. in case facing another disappointment.. Its just all really tough. Will b thinking of u too. Big big hug xx
So sorry this has happened, it's just so awful and utterly unfair. I hope you're enjoying your time off work and taking each day as it comes x try not to be too hasty, you'll know what's right for you both once the dust has settled. Have you thought about surrogacy? As a teacher I too have seen some very difficult adoptions, but also some that are totally unaffected and you would never know they weren't their biological family. Take some time to grieve, have a G&T in the sunshine, and know you have the support from us motley crew! Xxxxxxxxxxx
Thx so much. Good to hear some positive adoption stories. Re surrogacy; no evidence I have implant issues. The donor eggs just didn't do well in the lab before even reaching me sadly. xx
Hey, sorry to hear you're having such a time of it! This is all so hard and pregnancies thrown into the bargain is not easy, Ive had my share of shock announcments in the last couple of weeks! I think you should do exactly what you are feeling....cry, cry and cry! This is my last NHS cycle and fear we may have to consider DE (which we'd do abroad for short waiting lists) or adoption. We have friends that have done DE and other friends that are foster carer's who've adopted so have seen the happiness both can bring! Dont make any snap decisions whilst you're grieving, its is however good to start looking into other options. Hopefully you will get some answers from your clinic as to what went wrong! Big hugs to you, Im thinking of you!xx
Thx so much Cinders. Good to hear good stories from DE and adoption. Yes, I think just having a good cry/being how I have to be at the moment is just what I have to do. So appreciated everyone's encouraging words and wisdom...hard to convince yourself of these things sometimes. Good to hear it from someone else!
Oh I'm sorry coracle. It's so hard isn't it? But it does get easier. I'm two weeks past our bfn (Ivf round 2) and feeling much better, it probably helps that we have just been on a little holiday.
Regarding adoption, I really feel I'd rather adopt than use donor eggs. As a teacher I've come across a number of adoption success stories and I also know some adoptive parents socially. I know lots of success stories! Sure, adopted children can be hard. But so can non-adopted children. And having worked with children going through the process, the difference a living set of new parents can make is immense. It's not for everyone, but it's definitely not as bad as some of the horror stories out there seem to make out. I don't know anyone for whom an adoption has broken down. Maybe now is the time for you to explore it further? Xxx
Thanks so much for the positivity Lizzie. I am thinking personally at the moment I would rather pursue adoption than further DE. It would have been my first choice rather than DE to be honest, but OH was so keen to try DE and NOT keen on adoption.. will let the dust settle, think quietly to myself about it... do a wee bit of research... then see where OH is about it all once dust has settled. Right at the moment, not keen on idea of further DE, even if clinic offer us a discounted cycle after this awful one.
Thank you again. What a lot of teachers are here on our awesome forum! Hope you are enjoying half term, glad you had a wee holiday. xx
My acupuncturist is a fertility specialist and says she sees a disproportionate number of health professionals and teachers... she thinks it is to do with the stress of our jobs, I wonder if, as people in caring professions, we are just disproportionately distressed by infertility and more determined to keep on trying no matter what... if you get what I mean. So we try everything including fertility treatment!
I wonder if anyone will ever research it properly?
So sorry for your pain .i really hope you will be ok.
Thank you. Now coming off all the hormones suddenly is triggering my migraines. Should have made the executive decision to tail it down a bit rather than stop dead...feeling generally physically and emotionally exhausted plus hubby not coping well at all, so feel I am having to b the 'strong one' and put up with him being like a bear with a sore head/not talk about how he is actually doing etc! Sigh!
So sorry so many of us have to go thru all this! Hey ho. One day at a time. Xx
You sound like you both need a holiday. Hubbie and I have just had a few days away together and it's done is the power of good. Any chance of a weekend away or similar for you guys? Xx
Hi. Thanks. Yes, we nearly didn't come, but made it on our church weekend away. Arguments on the way but got here last night, nearly went back home again as seeing good friends who know the situation made me feel tearful. But hurrah, hubby has turned a corner and after he has played ping pong and had some banter with mates last night he is much more his normal self! xx
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