Donor eggs V Adoption?

I've had 3 rounds of IUI which sadly were all negative and at my clinic I've reached the age where I can't use my own eggs any more - that's actually rather emotional if I think about it.

Anyway, it's now time to decide whether I go for Donor Eggs and Sperm or Adoption.  It took a while to get my head around Donor Eggs but since I heard that some of the DNA can go over to the baby that makes me feel a bit better about it.  My worry was that I would feel as though it was like having someone else's baby but I guess it's my last chance.  With Adoption, you need to have a spare room and for me to rent a 2 bed flat, that would be about £700 so I would have to work but having a child I would need to be there to take the child to school.

It's such a hard journey all this and I wish that things had turned out different and I had of had a child by meeting a partner, sometimes I feel that I've been handed a bad hand.  I would of loved to of had my own family but it just seems so tough on your own.

28 Replies

  • Hey distinction,

    Its impossible to say how you will feel but you could look at both options as adoption really. 

    The donor eggs and sperm at least give you the chance to grow a lovely wee baby and bring it into the world, the first important job of being a mummy. I cant imagine it would be any less of a bonding experience.

    Also not sure with adoption whether you would be considered for a baby, i have a friend whonis involved in the adoption process and she said I was too old at 36 to adopt a baby, i would only be apple to adopt an older child. 

    Seems bizarre to me but she said younger females late to early 30's would be best placed for a baby - just another kick in the teeth for women!

    Wishing you the best of luck on your journey


  • LBM1979 this has really shocked and worried me. I've been trying for a baby for 2 and a half years and have been told as well as the endo and blocked tubes I have very low AMH levels.  We are waiting to start IVF but have been told we only have about a 10-15% chance of success. I've been thinking that we still have egg donation and adoption as options but I'm nearly 32 now so from what you've said I haven't got long if I want to be considered for baby adoption. It just seems so unfair. They keep you waiting years for a diagnosing and waiting months on end to actually begin treatment. It seems like we just can't catch a break. 

    Sorry for moaning, I'm just finding infertility so hard to cope with. All my friends are popping out babies like it's the easiest thing in the world and we don't know if it's ever going to happen. I've never wanted anything so much or felt so heartbroken. 

  • Sorry Ardenrose did not mean to frighten you.

    Its ironic and you are 4 years younger than me, its ridiculous the way women are made to feel. I feel like I could not be more ready than I am now to become a mum. Xx

  • No need to apologise. I was just really shocked to hear that that is how the system works! I don't think age should come into it. If anything I would argue that older mothers have a lot to offer in terms of experience and wisdom. Xx 

  • If you read my response to the above it may make you feel a bit better about adopting but you do need to have a spare room. 

    I'm a fair bit older than you, so you've got a while to keep going - you can go for donor eggs till your 50!

    Your right, it is a hard journey, I'm finding that and like you I planned what I wanted when I was younger.

    Good luck in what ever route you take x

  • Thank you Distinction72. I do feel better about it having read your response. Think I was having a mini freak out this morning. 

    At times it feels like the loneliest journey but there are actually so many of us suffering infertility.

    I wish you best of luck in your chosen path too x

  • I spoke to my local authorities adoption agency and they said being single is fine (although that won't always be the case) if I can trust another man again!  Anyway, I don't think it's down to age as to whether you get a baby or not, I think it's down to the demand as most people on the whole want a baby to adopt - she didn't mention anything about me being too old!!

    The difficulty with adopting for me is being able to afford a 2 bed place.

    Thanks for replying and good luck to you too x

  • Well that all sounds really positive Distinction and certainly gives you some options and also us all on here. I hope that everything works out well for you, you will be a fantastic mum and so many single women are going it alone and doing the best job. Guys can be a waste of space and actually just get in the road, lol.

    Will keep my eyes peeled for your updates. Chin up and positivity, you have so much to offer and your break will come xx

  • Thank you for your kind reply.

    I would like to have the opportunity of being with a 'good' guy but it's going to take some finding, that's why I started this journey on my own as I had some awful relationships in the past.

    I will think about what you said when I'm going through my next lot of treatment x

  • Hi

    You are an inspiration to me as i have followed your posts being in a similar position myself.  I am choosing donor eggs and sperm as a way to increase my chances of being a mother.  I have watched my family have children and never once ask me how I feel without a family but I refuse to give up my dream without a fight. Good luck in your journey. 

  • Hi distinction and flump, sorry to read this, life is so hard for some and Often seems so easy for others! This journey finds strength and limits in abundance, what a test it is! Am in same situation, nobody asks how you feel they just seem to assume you're ok or it's never crossed your mind to want a family! Or that you're ok with it when inside its turmoil and watching everybody else is at times painful however much you love them. 

    Can't advise on either option as so personal to you. If and when it's me at this point I think id go eggs as first option to see if I can carry. I would guess it's a quicker process as adoption can take ages - and if you have to sort accommodation too even more to consider. 

    We've followed each other throughout this journey and I hope and pray that it our dreams come true. Good luck with your decision and take care and pm me if you ever want to chat xxx

  • Thanks Helen - yes would like to keep in touch.

    I've got a meeting with my consultant in a few weeks about starting the donor eggs treatment, I think the same as you by wanting to know if I can carry a baby.  Because I've never been pregnant, part of me doesn't feel like a proper women.

    I feel very much as if I am alone in my decisions, the loneliness I feel and general heartache with dealing with it all - it's a hard journey.

    I don't know whether I would be able to afford a 2 bed property in relation to adoption if I'm honest.


  • Thank you!  I've not met many people in the same situation as me and it helps to read about others who are going through what you are I think.

    Like you I too am trying everything I can to try and have a baby so that at least I can have my own little family - I know what you mean about other people in the family not considering your feelings, your not alone.

    If you want to keep in touch, please do - it would be nice to hear how you get on and if you need a little support it may help x

  • Depend how much you want to carry a baby through pregnancy I did egg share I have a beautiful 15 month old baby girl and the lady I shared with has a baby girl too best thing I ever did xxx good luck xxxx

  • Wow!  What a great story, that's great news!

    It's amazing how women like you help others.

    Thank you for your reply x

  • We might be in a similar situation after our next cycle. We have decided one more go using my eggs, if not then using DE and failing this adoption. Look at different adoption agencies as my friend is 39 and has just adopted a baby and they have got the whole process a lot shorter than they used to. It's a very difficult and personal choice especially to make by yourself. Good luck xxx

  • Thank you for your response.

    I've had 3 rounds of IUI, so think that donor eggs is the next option, I can't have IVF now anyway because of my age.

    Good news for your friend.

    Good luck to you too x

  • I know what you mean about using DE it's hard to get your head around it, they make you have counselling if you use them so hopefully this will help. Also if you look on the donor conception website there's loads of info and a good Q&A section xx

  • Thank you x

  • From what I know, the clinic's have a tendency to put you on IUI if tests are clear.  The only medical issue I do have is Insulin Resistance (my symptoms are very similar to PCOS only I don't have the cysts) - they've not said anything about that though.

    Thank you for your message and I hope all goes well with you x

  • have you considered treatment abroad? eg Poland or Czech? Once I checked on the rules at Polish fertility clinic in Gdansk and it seems there is no age limit. xx

  • Yes, I thought about it for a while but it's not really for me.  Firstly because I would need to go on my own and I think going abroad may be more complicated on your own and understanding everything also I wouldn't want a child whose eggs were from another nationality mainly because I think it would cause problems later on when the child got older.  Thanks for your reply though x

  • We used a donor egg as my eggs were not good enough to use. It was the best decision we ever made as we are now sat here with a beautiful 7 week old baby girl. She is all ours and I never think of her being part of someone else and all thoughout my pregnancy it was never an issue for me as I was the one that was supporting her being able to survive inside and helping her to grow. I also read that some of your DNA is passed onto the baby.

    Hope this helps you with your decision and good luck with your journey xx

  • Thank you Gemma - yes I've also read that some of the DNA is passed over to the baby - to be honest that's made me feel better about things.

    Congratulations on your baby girl.  When you are going through treatment it's hard to imagine having a baby.

    Great to hear from someone who has gone through what I am thinking of doing.

    Enjoy your little family.


  • hi, so how's your journey?

    we also opted adoption at first but it failed it was a heartbreak for me and dh

    finally decided trying surrogacy (donor eggs) bfp from the first attempt it was like a miracle

    now we're 12th week pregnant and this is gorgeous time

    i can't wait

    best wishes

  • I'm about to start my next lot of treatment in a few weeks with donor eggs and sperm, it's an anxious time! TBH I've not really liked the past 2 years when I've been on this journey, it's been a very unsettled and miserable time but nearly there with the next lot.

    It's probably starting to feel more real for you now.

    Good luck x

  • After having been blessed to experience pregnancy I would say donor eggs is worth considering, being a mummy is bringing up a child but growing a baby is also a massive part of being a mummy too.. The experience is amazing! All the best to you.. Really tough decision to make but u will love that baby/child so much regardless.. Because that is what being a mummy is all about! Someone I know has just done egg donation and is 16 weeks pregnant with twins and is over the moon and loving the experience! We have been on this journey for 4 years now and it's taking its toll on me.. We lost our baby at 36 weeks 3 months ago and had miscarriages done 1 cycle of IVF and going for embryo transfer next cycle, if in a year we are not pregnant I think we will look at adoption, maybe donor eggs but we would have to pay I think and I can't see us affording it, praying for a rainbow baby before then! Good luck to you xx

  • Thank you for your reply.

    I'm about to start my treatment in a few weeks with donor eggs and sperm. Feeling a little anxious about it because I can't imagine having a little one after all of these years but anyway I'm giving nature a chance to decide for me!

    When you've not experienced being pregnant at all, it has an affect on you as you feel you aren't a proper women not experiencing anything.

    Good luck to you too x

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