Hi guys, so today im going to look into this even though neither or us want it, other half especially, because i dont want to keep going through ivf with such slim chances. Im lucky, sooooo lucky to have a biological child who is a mini me, so i think we should at least find out. And then if its still not for us then thats it descision made. Adoption we are both agreed on though there is a lot to consider there too of course.
If donor egg involves having to see the donor, even photos, and a long drawn out process then its not for us. If we have that image of that person in our heads then ill always see that person as the real mom. For us it needs to just be a selection process based of the dna of the egg to even consider it.
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Purplewitch18
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The selection process is usually down to you giving yours and your OH physical attribues....hair colour, eye colour, skin colour, height, weight, build & blood type. Or at aleast that's what mine ask for. They also ask for a couple of pics of you and OH and they do the matching with the ladies on their database. I got to know the same about the donor along side nationality, age, studies & hobbies. No pics involved. Im having treatment abroad so donation is completely anonymous however in the UK that is not quite the case as in the child can find their donor at the age of 18. Its not for everyone but as you say, worth looking into. If you have any questions then give me a shout or PM me.xx
Thankyou Cinderella. Unless it was a medical emergency we wouldnt tell the child it was a donor egg, in fact only we would know. Not because theres shame in it but because its our child and that would be that. I didnt realise they matched your photos up with someone similar, i just thought it would go by race and ethnicity. In our case my partners sperm would be used and this is the horrible part because potencially thats his baby with someone else, but would we forget about that because i would carry and give birth to it, i just dont know. Xx
Its a really hard decision, Im not going to lie! I had all the worries that it would be my husbands baby and someone elses at the start but I have come away from thinking that. Once our embryos were/are created...they were mine so I could be a mum, I would carry it and love the baby as my own because it would be mine....I grew it! I read a little article that helped me come to a decision which did help....but not staight away, I really do think it takes time to get your head around. Im in a different position to you in that we dont have any kids so maybe this allows you to think differently. This is the article below....xx
Perhaps the greatest myth surrounds pregnancy. Many believe the uterus is simply an incubator. Nothing could be further from the truth. The most important aspect of all pregnancies- including egg/sperm donation pregnancies- is that as the fetus grows, every cell in the developing body is built out of the pregnant mother’s body. Tissue from her uterine lining will contribute to the formation of the placenta, which will link her and her child. The fetus will use her body’s protein, then she will replace it. The fetus uses her sugars, calcium, nitrates, and fluids, and she will replace them.
So, if you think of your dream child as your dream house, the genes provide merely a basic blueprint, the biological mother takes care of all the materials and construction, from the foundation right on up to the light fixtures.
So, although her husband’s aunt Sara or the donor’s grandfather may have genetically programmed the shape of the new baby’s earlobe, the earlobe itself is the pregnant woman’s “flesh and blood.” That means the earlobe, along with the baby herself, grew from the recipient’s body. That is why she is the child’s biological mother. That is why this child is her biological child
Wow, i never thought of it that way at all. It does put a different perspective on things doesnt it. Can we legally say we are the biological mother? Theres a lot that worries me because when i see youtube videos etc, they all talk about how theyve spoken to the donor daily and kept them updated and theyve made them part of the process in a very emotional way. We wouldnt want that at all, and that may sound ungrateful but its just how we would be able to deal with it. Like we will be forever grateful for the egg but its our baby just like its sister is and we just wouldnt want any involvement because then it wouldnt feel like my child at all. Am i making myself sound like a horrible person now 😬xx
No, you dont sound horrible at all! In some countried like the Ukraine and America the donors have contact with the recipient but not here and definitely not in Europe. I know when my donor started meds, then I get told when egg collection will be, how many eggs are collected and how many make it to blastocyst and the grade.xx
Hi Cinderella - you've inadvertently helped me too as my partner and I are in a similar position to Purplewitch. Do you remember where the article was from? I'm trying to 'encourage' my partner to be ok with donor and I need all the help I can get!! thanks x
It was on my coordinators web page. I can PM you the link if that's helpful but there isn't too much more to it....the only other thing that struck a chord with me was....see below.xxx
The biggest worry for couples is that using either donor eggs or sperm “will not make the child mine,” and this of course is potentially a worry. However, what you must consider is that although there are three components that make up the potential child, once the embryo is in the recipients womb it starts to inherit his and her characteristics through the placenta, the uterine lining and so on. The paragraph below explains this in more detail.
Also consider this. Is a donor donating an egg/sperm or a child. The answer is simple. She is donating an egg as it is down to the sperm donor to create the embryo and from then on, the recipient will nurture and carry that embryo, imprinting that couples own features and personality into that child along the way. The child that emerges from the recipient will be totally different from the one that would have been born from the donor should she have carried it herself, also bearing in mind that the clinic will be matching the donor with the recipients height, blood groups, eye and hair colour, complexion and so on.
Thanks - yes that was helpful too If you could send me link that would be great, anything at this stage to help my partner get his head round it would be a bonus xx
My donor has the same blood type, hair colour, skin, height (well 1cm more), weight (a bit less than me which is always a bonus) and the biggest one was that she had succesfully donated before.xx
Ok that all sounds good. I dont think id want to even know when they were doing meds etc, id just want them to say ok we are transferring the egg on this day at this time, pop it in and then away we go 😆, because we would need to know as little as possible to not think about that fact its not my egg xx
Hi Cinderella, I am considering the DE option after my 2nd failed IVF. Do you know if in the UK you can see a picture of the donor? Also I understand you can decide to tell your kid or not, am I right? Thanks
Hi Jols, in the UK you arent allowed to see photographs of donors........there arent many countries that do offer that. You can always decide whether or not to tell the child regardless of where you have DE treatment however in the UK the child can get access to the donor information that obviously cant be done in countries that have anonymous donors. Good luck.xx
Having been an egg donor.... they only asked me my hair colour, eye colour, complexion, build, race, and height I think? They didn't ask my hobbies or job or anything. The couple picked me based on that little information. If a child was conceived and wanted to meet me in the future, then that would be cool (of course), but it's definitely not my child.
Thankyou for your honest reply ttcemmie, i really appreciate that and all these things im worried about suddenly dont seem so bad. But, the cost, realistically what would it cost because if we cant afford it then its not an option. If it costs around what it would cost for me 2 got through 2 more rounds then we can consider it as a serious option x
I have no idea how much it costs. I hope it is affordable to you. Love everything Cinderella is saying above. And above all, whether a donor egg or not.... it would be your child, and your family, and you have every right to tell people or not tell people whatever you like about your personal business. What would it be to them anyway?!
I know its no ones business but me and my partners. I didnt realise that the child would have part of me too before i read the articles from cinderella. I though it would get nothinh from me just my partner and the donor and thats why we said no to it. Ive spoken to him about it, i will show him the articles too but he really isnt keen at all and i can see at the momenr he doesnt want to really consider it. Though i know nexr friday the dr is going to say about getting a donor. Im stuck between trying a couple of totally natural cycles or donor egg.
Great advice from Cinderella. We had a donor egg and now have an 11 week old baby. I consider him totally mine and lots of people have said how much he looks like me. I too had the concerns you had but best decision we ever made, but it is also personal choice. Here also if you need any advice xx
Thankyou so much debrakay. I dont know what to do about clinics. This is the second clinic and though it wasnt bad, egg transfer was an absolute disaster and its an hour and a half away so we both had to take time off work and it was difficult fitting everything around the school run. Ideally we need a bristol clinc, but we have been round them all. We started at bcrm who let us down big tine and wanted to put me on every drug going at the highest levels just because in 40, nevermind i have low amh and endo! So moved to care who dont have facillities in bristol and kept sending us to bath for everything. You basically only have consultations at the bristol clinic. Cant realistically do that again. We went to open evenings at create, which the only downside was it very much like they are selling you something as the main focus, and london womens clinic, well i could gave punched the patrionising git! But doesnt mean there arent other drs there who are good. Any advice anyone?
We decided to go abroad after visiting the fertility show. I found personally a lot of uk companies We’re a lot about the money. You can skype most companies to see how it works. Maybe work investigating for as I feel it is important to have a connection with who you are going through the process with xx
I feel the same with uk clinics, but we have to be uk based because we have a five year old daughter to get to school. Even if we had one trip abroad to do it and it was in the holidays, if it didnt work and we had to keep going back it wouldnt be possible. My last egg collection i had no one that could take her to school and we had to be in bath for 8 so had to leave home at 6. Hardley anyone know we are doing this too that makes it harder. My parents had her but they arent local so she missed school and it was the most stressful thing leading up to it because that cant happen every time. So unfortunately we are tied to the uk and its got to be local. I can see us ending up at create because the trips there are a lot easier. X
I went to Create in Manchester for 2 years. 6 mild cycles. I found them good as a clinic to be honest, certainly in comparison with others. In the end though it all comes down to the staff. It didn't work for me, (I started at Create at 41, now 43 and my eggs are crappy) so I have gone down the donor route overseas as I can't wait around for a year to find a donor in the UK. Happy to share more if you want to chat.
We went to Greece and it was worth it. What I liked is they charge you the same for every level of treatment. In this country I personally found there was loads of add on’s and as we all want the same outcome I felt if you did not have everything on the list and it failed it puts in my head anyway. What if we have the other add ons would it have worked. We were so lucky cause the company we used were amazing, caring and helpful and we got pregnant first round (which I punch myself every day for).
Thank you. My little boy 8 months now and we are heading back to Greece on September for another round They match people and you can choose to go ahead or reject. They are anonymous though x
I’m having to use donor eggs but the waiting list for them was years long so all 4 of my sisters offered me theirs but I agreed with my older sister as we are more alike and her daughter is the spitting image of me when I was a child, I don’t feel one bit strange about it because she is just donating her eggs I’m going to be the one that carries and gives birth I’m going to be mummy and she will be auntie, the child will know about how her auntie did an amazing thing to help mommy have a child x
Thats lovely pinkpaw, im happy for you that you have a sister who can do that for you and i hope it all works out. What do you mean the list is years long? I dont have years i need it asap 😬x
Hey, how are you doing now? Don't know if it is still relevant, but I can share with you my experience at a clinic abroad. There is an option to choose a donor by her appearance, but you cannot get her private information. We have chosen the one that looks similar to me and that's all. She cannot claim any rights etc, probably she doesn't even know people for whom she donates her eggs. Good luck with your treatment xx
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