Coping with birth/pregnancy announcements/pictures

[Kat_15]

Hello fertility warriors 👋

Hope you’re all okay during these weird times. We are currently waiting for my hubby’s latest comet test results (the last one he had was in December when it had improved from the previous one in October) and keeping our fingers crossed things have continued to improve. I will start down regulation at the end of this month and 🤞stims in August. I’m excited to start treatment but also nervous of how I will feel if we don’t have a good cycle again. I got so down after our last failed cycle and have had regular counselling ever since.

In the past few weeks I have really been struggling emotionally. One of my good friends had her little boy this week. She got pregnant on the first month of trying on her honeymoon last year. I attended her wedding last year a week after our failed FET.

Since she had her baby this week there has been a constant stream of photos on WhatsApp and I found it so painful to look at them. They have everything I want so much. It makes my heartache. 💔Will this ever get any easier? How do you cope with birth and pregnancy announcements?

I’m starting to think I will come off social media and WhatsApp soon.

Thanks for reading and for any advice. xxx 🍍🌈🍍

[Sunshine92]

*Virtual hugs*

First of all - well done to you for facing a the wedding so soon after your heartache. I too attended my best friends wedding in July of last year shortly after a mental breakdown due to infertility. I was one of 3 bridesmaids, one had a 4 month old baby, and the other had 6month old twins! Of course, the morning of the wedding was all about them, and i got roped in to helping look after them while their mums had their make up etc. I even had to carry one of the twins down the aisle! It was the most git wrenching time 😔

Lo and behold, exactly 3months to the day they can back from their honeymoon from a zika country they got pregnant. First month of trying. Of course they did! She messaged me the day my period started that month (she wasnt to know but ..) of course she did!

Fortunately i started my second ivf round about that time which was successful so we are now approx 4 weeks apart in our pregnancies.

Still it hurts. Shes posting things all over social media: her bump, the ‘announcement’, the nursery, baby things she’s been buying, her brand new top of the range family car. Lapping up all the love and attention. And i must admit it guts me, every single time. I feel like an awful friend for saying it, but it does. I have posted nothing, i just know how it feels to be going through fertility treatment and seeing it, its awful like you say. I cant even bring myself to be excited or buy anything. Infertility has forever scarred me mentally and is robbing me of this joy. Shes so relaxed and happy. Im so envious of that 😔

I know its not the answer you were probably looking for, and sorry for telling my life story 🙈 but in my experience, it doesn’t get easier. What helps is speaking to women like you who know EXACTLY how it feels, deactivating social media for a while also helps me, and stepping away from people that trigger you. Thats all ok. Do what YOU need to do.

I really hope its your turn soon x✨x

[Hidden in reply to Sunshine92]

Infertility doesn't just go away after having a baby as that's putting a plaster on a deep wound and the feelings of jealousy and unfairness will still come and visit even after you have had a baby due to the unfairness of the situation over something supposedly so easy and natural for everyone else but not you.

[Ivfgotadream in reply to Hidden]

I agree - infertility steals something from us - I’ve never had that magical moment of taking a test and feeling excited Or making amazing family announcements of being pregnant - I see a BFP and I’m filled with dread about how long this one will last. I still feel jealous when I see people’s monthly bump photos because I darent take any in case I jinx things and end up with an album of photos where I got to 2 or 3 months and no further

And then there is secondary infertility to contend with because even if you are lucky enough for fertility treatment to work you then stress about how ok earth you are going to give your child a sibling and the likely journey ahead

[Hidden in reply to Ivfgotadream]

With secondary infertility there's no escape say when you take your child to places and there's growing families all over the place.

[Kat_15 in reply to Sunshine92]

Hi Sunshine92 👋

Thanks so much for your thoughtful message. ☺️🤗I can’t begin to tell you what a difference receiving your message made when I read it on Sunday when I was feeling really pants. It really helped me to hear from others like you that just get what it’s like and how ridiculously hard it is. It made me feel less alone/like I’m losing my mind! 🤪

I’m so sorry to hear you had such a tough time last year, your friend’s wedding sounded really difficult. What an amazing friend you are!

I’m so pleased to hear your treatment was successful. It gives me hope. 🌈How are you feeling so far? How long till you’re due?

Completely understand how you must feel, I think I would feel exactly the same if I was ever lucky enough to get pregnant.

Thanks again and sending virtual big hugs to you too. xxx 🌈🍍

[Sunshine92 in reply to Kat_15]

Ahhh Kat you are so welcome! This forum has been a lifeline to me over the years, kind strangers have always been there when I needed support and its lovely to be able to do the same.

It always amazes me that no matter how different our infertility journeys, we always have something in common.

Physically i have been fine and have had no ‘symptoms’ as such. Mentally though is a whole other ball game. I always believed pregnancy would be the cure to all the trauma i’d suffered trying to get pregnant but its not. I find pregnancy announcements from others (not on here, just social media & the news etc) SOO much harder. Trusting my body after it letting me down for so long is hard. Just general anxiety. It doesn’t go away.

I’m due mid November so roughly 18 weeks left to go. Im trying to set myself little goals in my head and 24 weeks is the next one. If he came from then at least he’d stand a chance of surviving. Sounds super morbid, and something ‘regular fertile women’ probably dont think about 😳

Its absolutely possible that you will get pregnant, dont give up on that hope! Dont give up. One day your rainbow will come ☺️🌈 xx

[Bunnywoo]

Awww Kat_15, you've definitely come to the right place to speak to people who know exactly how you feel. It's just the worst. That awful feeling of just overwhelming sadness, unfairness and jealousy, and then the guilt for feeling that way. Ugh I know the feeling so well. Could you mute the WhatsApp group? I have a WhatsApp group and one of the people on there had a baby about 8 weeks ago and it's been constant pictures of the new baby. I tend to just not look at the pictures, and then mute the conversation if i am feeling particularly sensitive. There is a meditation thing you can download specifically about pregnancy announcements that I've seen on Instagram. I can let you know that xx

[Kat_15 in reply to Bunnywoo]

Hi Bunnywoo. Thanks so much your kind and thoughtful message. It really helped me to receive your message on Sunday and feel a little less alone.

It’s just the worst isn’t it! Thanks for your fab tip about muting the group. I have done that now and deleted all my social media apps.

Yes please to the meditation thing, that sounds just what I need! Thanks so much.

Wishing you much success with your future IVF treatment. Speak soon xx

[penny24]

I came off social media which helped. Every time I logged onto Facebook someone would post a pregnancy picture.

I was prostap before IVF, had every listed side effect - even broke my leg. The day I broke my leg (post failed round of ivf) my friend announced she was pregnant.

I don’t post anything on fb now because I know how much it hurts people who are fighting a silent struggle.

I found this group really helpful and it does get easier

Sending hugs xx

[Kat_15 in reply to penny24]

Hi Penny 👋

Thanks for your thoughtful message. Oh me too, it’s Sod’s law that pictures are posted as soon as you check in for the first time in ages!

Since my post on Sunday I have deleted all my social media apps and have muted particular WhatsApp groups. I definitely think it has helped as they are definitely a trigger for me.

So sorry to hear you had such a tough time when going through your IVF treatment previously.

Sending hugs back to you too. 🤗xx

[F_J_762301]

This is a horrible part of infertility and it just doesn't seem to get any easier! Like the other ladies have said sometimes its easier to step away and switch off. I still like social media in small doses so I mute people with pregnancy/babies. I wouldnt do it to my closest friends but do i really need to see ex-colleagues multiple scan pictures, pregnancy updates and baby pics? I have learnt to do little things to protect myself and not feel guilty. Lots of love and good luck for your next cycle xx

[Kat_15 in reply to F_J_762301]

It really is isn’t it! Just so tough. Thanks for your suggestion about muting particular people who post lots of baby pics etc. I have done that for my insta account now, fab tip!

You’re absolutely right, it’s so important to put yourself and your mental health first. These things really trigger me so hopefully making these changes will help.

Sending love and hugs back to you too. xx 🤗

[Hidden]

Its normal to feel jealous when someone else is having a baby when its something you want so badly for yourself.

If social media upsets you then switch it off and hide the posts that upset you if that's any help.

[Kat_15 in reply to Hidden]

Hi Catgirl. Thanks for your message. I have deleted all my social media apps and muted particularly WhatsApp groups which I think will really help. Thanks for your reply. x

[Hopingforarainbow]

Hi Kat_15, I don’t think it does get any easier. It’s one of the hardest things to deal with. Just the other week 2 girls I work with announced they’re we’re pregnant and although I am genuinely happy for them (1 I know was trying for a while) you can’t help but feel absolutely gutted. I wanted to just go shut myself away in the toilet and cry. Then it doesn’t help when folk at work are saying things like “oh things come in 3’s” “who’s going to be next” and looking at me! It’s normal to feel resentful but then I feel terrible for feeling like that x

[Kat_15 in reply to Hopingforarainbow]

Hello Hopingforatainbow. Thank you for your thoughtful message. It’s just the worst isn’t it! I have had a very similar situation at work and it’s just awful. I wanted to scream I have been trying for almost four years!! 😡So glad to hear I’m not the only one! Wishing you all the best going forward and sending hugs. xx 🤗

[Shirazlover2013]

Oh Kat I’m with you, I understand. I took myself off social media about 18mths ago and it’s helped. I got lured in a week ago to see something funny my OH posted and made the mistake of scrolling 🤦🏼‍♀️ then hit a trigger post, cue swift exit and lesson learned. Anyway it’s a bit trickier on WhatsApp isn’t it but the mute function is useful as is turning off the auto save of pictures to your picture roll. I find it’s helpful to share with a range of friends and family the struggle you’re having so that they can filter what they say/send/post and just generally be your ally. As for the announcements, they do get easier (well that’s not strictly true) you develop a thicker skin or a harder shell as more and more of them hit you. I’ve found I now focus on a few specific conditions rather than every announcement. Those few are the trigger ones rather than the many. But I wouldn’t recommend this as a strategy as it’s not working well for me!!

I wish you all the luck in the world for your upcoming cycle. I’ll be cycling with you in August (my 5th) and my hubby is also a regular at the dna frag test lab (having his post varicocele op test later this week, 🤞🤞🤞 we have some improvement). AF arrived today and I’ve fallen in a heap (again, just like every month) so it’s comforting to know I’m not alone with all of the above (strange as that sounds as I wouldn’t wish this on anyone). Sending big hugs and lots of empathy xx

[Kat_15 in reply to Shirazlover2013]

Hello 👋

Thank you so much for your thoughtful message. That’s great we will be cycling together! I will follow you so we can keep in touch. Wishing you all the luck in the world, I really hope it’s both of our turns to get that BFP. 🤞🤞🤞

So sorry to hear what happened when you logged on to social media recently, poor you. Sendings you big virtual hugs! 🤗

🤞🤞🤞For your hubby’s latest test results. My hubby’s are due any day now too.

Sorry to hear your AF arrived. It’s so hard. Mine was four days late last month so I started to get hopeful, it’s just awful. 😢

Sending big virtual hugs back to you too. Xx

[Aussie83]

I’m right there with you. Last year I got told on the same day that two of my friends were pregnant; one her third and one her first and pregnant after a month! I was inconsolable, it just hurt my heart so much!

And then up to 9 months later came a load of what’s app messages and social media posts abit baby’s showers and then the births. Luckily I am in UK and they are in Australia so I didn’t have to be in the thick of it. I congratulated them both privately but then actually took myself off Facebook completely and what’s app for a month or so. And I was honest after that month of not responding and said I had to take a break from social media, full stop. You don’t need to explain why. If they’re true friends to you they will just get it.

You have to protect your heart coz no one else will. And after 3.5 years of TTC I’ve learnt not to apologise for feeling a certain way.

Best wishes for your upcoming cycle. Sending you loads of baby dust x

[Kat_15 in reply to Aussie83]

Hi Aussie83

You poor thing, that’s so, so hard. Sending you big virtual hugs. 🤗I know exactly what you mean about hurting your heart. 💔

Three of my uni friends got pregnant in the first month of trying and one of them got pregnant both times with both of her children during the first month. It just feels sooo unfair! 😫

I have now deleted all the social media apps and muted a few WhatsApp groups and I think it has made a difference already. Less triggers is the way forward! 😊

Wishing you lots of best wishes and baby dust too. Thank you for reaching out. Xx

[Millbanks]

Hi lovely, it’s so painful isn’t it. 2 of my closest friends got pregnant the same week in November that my first FET failed. So they are due within 5 days of each other and I’m so jealous that I’m not too. Then another v close friend got pregnant last month just as I started my 2nd fresh cycle. Life can be so cruel.

What makes things worse for me is that I’ve started mentally categorising people in to those who got pregnant first try (most of them) and those who have struggled (not many) and I feel like I can cope so much better with the news if it’s not been easy for them. I feel so so awful as these are my closest friends and I want to be over the moon for them but I just feel like there’s a stone in my stomach instead. I hate that this fertility journey has turned me in to this person. So I try super hard to push my feelings down and support those lucky bastards. It’s not easy and time does help a little. Sending hugs to you xx

[London_Lady1 in reply to Millbanks]

I agree with you. It feels horrible to say but when my friends have struggled its easier to take the news and also gives me some hope. But I have avoided baby showers for close friends, and a lunch date after we having the announcement sent through the day before. I'm super happy for them all. I however need to protect my mental health and for me the best way to do that is to remove myself from these types of situations. If they are true friends they will get that. I also know that with covid and the up coming baby boom its only gonna get harder with more people announcing their happy news.

I also having had a miscarriage in March so I know that even if my current cycle is successful (in my 2ww) I will spend the next 8+ weeks checking for blood every time I go to the toilet. Infertility is so cruel!

I do however wish all of you the best of luck with your upcoming cycles. Xx

[Kat_15 in reply to London_Lady1]

Hi London Lady

Glad it’s not just me that does this! ☺️

So very sorry to hear about your miscarriage. Sending you big virtual hugs and lots of baby dust for your current cycle. Really hope it brings good news for you. 🤞🌈🍍

Wishing you all the best and lots of luck too. Xx

[Kat_15 in reply to Millbanks]

Hi Millbanks

Thanks so much for your kind message.

That’s so hard, I’m so sorry. Life just sucks sometimes doesn’t it?! 😢Sending you big virtual hugs.

I absolutely do that with categorising friends as you say! It’s so much easier to be happier for friends when you know they have struggled too!

I know me too. Ha ha, I liked your comment about them being lucky bastards! Made me smile. ☺️

Sending you big virtual hugs to you too. Xx

[Millbanks in reply to Kat_15]

It really hard isn’t it but we have to stay strong. Big hugs to you xx

[Shirazlover2013 in reply to Millbanks]

Oh I’m not the only meanie thank goodness!! Millbanks I also categorise others into groups according to how easily they conceived and that determines my reaction. I know it’s illogical and doesn’t help me in any way but I still do it 🤦🏼‍♀️ I also hate what this journey has done to me. I only hope that in time I can let go of these awful feelings. Xx

[Millbanks in reply to Shirazlover2013]

😬 it’s just a self preservation thing and we have to allow ourselves to deal with it in whatever way helps. Xx

[Kat_15]

Thanks so much for all your thoughtful replies. ☺️🍍🌈I can’t begin to tell you how much they helped to make me feel like I’m not alone/going crazy! I will reply to all your messages individually this week. xxx

[Hidden]

Hi Kat 👋

You've defintly come to right place, I can sympathise with you as I have felt the same at times. What helped me was when I knew I was going to have one of those down days , when I would feel more anxious and sensitive then normal I i stay away from social media, even news of celebs baby pics I also muted whats app groups. Instead I would keep myself busy and when I had a stronger day💪 I would then face it. Keep going you will have better days, good luck on your journey X❤

[Kat_15 in reply to Hidden]

Hi Jaten

Thank you for your thoughtful message. I really appreciate you reaching out.

That’s really good advice. I have some days where I feel good and can go to baby showers etc and then I have other days where a mention of a pregnancy announcement even in a fictional programme will set me off! 😫

I’m definitely going to try and be a bit kinder to myself with social media and muting groups etc. Muting groups is a great tip I have picked up from this thread.

Wishing you all the best and sending hugs. Xx ❤️

[strawberriesandcream]

Hey Kat 👋

Defo ditch social media and mute/remove yourself from WhatsApp groups that may trigger negative feelings. I did this at the beginning of the year and it was the start of a really positive change for me.

I also asked my closest friends to not post things on our groups like pregnancy scans, family planning updates etc to help support me. It was positively received (mostly). Knowing that I have removed the triggers has allowed me to look forward and focus on my path without something smacking me in the face that throws me off so I hope you find the same!