Fertility Network UK
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My best friend's pregnancy

Hi all

My best friend told me her exciting news when she was just four weeks pregnant. I am hosting a bbq with our close friends (just the five of us) in a few weeks and she has asked if she can make her announcement to them at it. I am delighted for her and I know she is nervous as it is her first pregnancy. If she hadnt told me about her pregnancy recently, I would have told her about our difficulties TTC. I want to be supportive so I have said that it is a lovely idea but I feel like I'm not being honest by not telling her what we are going through. If I did tell her, I know that she would dampen her excitement to protect my feelings. I am torn. Anybody else experiencing this or any advice??

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Hey, oh I really feel for you this is so hard and what an amazing friend your being. I was in a similar position 18 months ago when i was going to tell a good friend of mine when I next saw her (as she doesn't live locally to me) about our struggles and how we were due to start IVF. Before I'd had chance to see her she sent me a scan pic saying 'hello aunty Emily'. I remember sitting waiting for my husband to come out of surgery and just completely crumbled, I then found it very difficult through her pregnancy, baby shower etc and we ended up drifting apart. Her daughter is now just over a year and we have recently started talking again - we both said we didn't make enough effort to keep in contact but I know a lot of it stems from me and when I next see her I feel like I will be honest about it.

Sorry if I've just rambled on and it's of no help to you but now going into my 4th cycle I do think being as honest as possible with those closest to you does help, it's a tough journey and their may be times where you need her to be a little more sensitive to you during her pregnancy and if she doesn't know she can't be xx

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Hi sounds like you're being very supportive with your friend which is great as it can be very hard to see someone so close to you going through a pregnancy. If you are able to I would say go through with the bbq and let her have her announcement. If u tell her now it prob will make her feel uncomfortable. I kind of regretted telling so many people about our ivf and felt afterwards that they pitied me and they felt awkward around me. X

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Oh, dear, it's a dream to have such a caring friend! You always know better when it comes to your close friends. But if you give a support you should gain it somewhere to, right?) You know, my granny always told me to listen to my heart. And if you are going to be among the closest friends I think you'll feel like telling them. If you do - tell them. It's life, someone is happy, another one has to fight for the happiness. It always goes together, in your case - hand in hand. So don't take your hand away. Stay with your friends, let them support you! Let them, darling. You deserve it. But they deserve it too - to be able to give their warmth to you. I would offer to let you friend make the announcement, and then to talk to her at first privately, to explain that if you won't say you won't feel honest to her. To explain that you don't want any lies build walls in between the two of you! I hope it's going to be fine! It's so important!

Thank you for sharing this! Xxx

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One of my very best friends (there are 5 of us too) is 12 weeks pregnant. She struggled with ttc for well over a year. I had advised her with charting, opks, timing and multivitamins over that time. She had an ectopic before Christmas and then she had a lap after it was discovered she had stage 3 endo and then voila! She fell pregnant. I'm very happy for her not least because she deserves it after her struggles. She asked for my permission to tell the other girls only after telling me first. It doesn't make it any easier to bare, being in the thick of the group messages about her pregnancy, being the only one who doesn't have children, but I do massively appreciate how my friend gave thought to me first. It really meant a lot. Having said that, all my friends know about our journey. I don't know what to suggest. Perhaps have a heart to heart with your friend, if you think she won't make her big announcement because of you then maybe let her have her moment and then have a heart to heart. Good luck xx

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Hi, this is a really difficult decision to make and you're being a very considerate friend!! Personally I would say if she really is your best friend and you trust her and you usually can talk to her about your worries and struggles I would tell her. Be it before or after the BBQ - but bear in mind if you tell her after the BBQ she may feel a bit betrayed (I probably would and would think why haven't you told me this before!!). If you never tell her about what's going on in your life, your friendship may change because she will - even if maybe unconsciously - notice your distance. I have friends who knew about our struggles and have already had their kids. Sometimes it wasn't easy for none of us but we went through it as friends and this is frankly why we have friends. Now that I'm pregnant they are all being extremely thoughtful with their advice as experienced mums and I realise that they have made a special effort all these years not to talk too much about pregnancy and kids etc. I'm sure you and your friend will be fine - friendships are strong even if friends have very different struggles in their paths of life!!

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My best friend is an over sharer in a lot of ways, especially on social media. She knew we were struggling to conceive and I was so glad she knew as when she told me and through her whole pregnancy she was very considerate. I am pretty sure if it wasn't for me, she would have been putting daily posts on Facebook about her pregnancy and maybe she did dampen down her excitement but I'm glad because it made me feel so much better and made me realise how much she cared about my feelings.

So I think you should give your friend the opportunity to support you and be as considerate as possible.

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