Feeling guilty

Hi everyone, it will be a week tomorrow since we found out out 2nd cycle of ICSI was unsuccessful, and, along with the sadness and disappointment, I've found myself thinking really judgemental, unkind things, and I feel so ashamed - I'm not like that normally! It's terrible - I see parents with kids in the supermarket and I'm so angry with them for having kids when I haven't got any, and I judge their parenting (luckily only inside my head - so far!) really harshly.

Is this normal? I've thought about contacting the clinic to ask for an appointment with the counsellor, but don't want waste their time if this is a fairly normal response.

Thanks for all advice, and please don't judge me too harshly (@_@)

H xx

21 Replies

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  • Oh absolutely not! ! I've now left the journey as we re in the adoption process but I would feel guilty when people announced pregnancies and you felt so resentful. It doesn't seem fair that some parents don't even seem to want their children and those who would be amazing parents struggle to even have one xxx

  • Absolutely no judgement here ever..you know my story and I feel the same too. I think this is fairly normal and will pass at least I hope it will. I guess to think of it like grief helps so shocK, upset, anger, guilt, shame are all the negative feelings experienced when people have a loss and all are a normal part of the grief process and you will go in and out of these feelings. In time it will hurt less and you will find ways of coping. Pm me anytime if you need a no judgemental empathic listening ear..sending huge hugs xxxxx

  • It's definitely like grief isn't it vic, I thought I was being melodramatic by seeing it like that until my counsellor and some very understanding family members/friends helped me realise it's so true xx

  • Hi helsroo so sorry these feelings are troubling you but I would say it's totally normal (and I'm sure many many others would too) and we definitely wouldn't judge..in fact I had to leave a job in child protection because I couldn't cope with the nature of the work anymore, predominantly working with the parents of beautiful children they didn't care for appropriately or deserve. I was lucky that redundancies were being made so I grabbed it with both hands!

    I don't think you'd be wasting a counsellors time at all, any feelings or situations you're finding difficult is a reason enough to go. So sorry about your bfn, I don't come on here every day so I'm finding you often miss many posts. They don't get any easier do they, sending hugs xxx

  • I am in a similar line of work and feel it is harder and harder to stay in a job like that when all I want is a child and so many are neglected and abused๐Ÿ˜ขx glad I am not alone about my feelings about the job xx

  • Also job guilt. I'm a teacher and it's so hard to professional with parents who don't really parent. Why have kids if you don't want to be a parent? Why??

  • It's such an unfair part of life and particularly infertility isn't it, and far too much of it. I don't think I'll ever understand that injustice ๐Ÿ™ Xx

  • You're definitely not alone vic, I just couldn't do it anymore once we found out we needed IVF and that was after so many bfn's naturally. I'd always been able to compartmentalise my feelings to do it but that was definitely slipping so even though the redundancy hasn't always been easy, I now look at it as the universe sending me what I needed! How are you finding it? Xx

  • That's the right way to think of it. I have no choice but to plod on at work but I feel changed now since the bfns and even more so this time so I hope I just go in there tomorrow as been off for a month and just give less of a shit about it all and just prioritise me and my dh always from here on in xx

  • You should definitely put yourselves first, I always put 100% into my job & was very proud of it but I never got any thanks. I know we have to work but it's your time now. Lots of luck xx

  • Thanks everyone - it's such a roller-coaster, isn't it? Crying one minute, raging the next.

    I think you're absolutely right, Vic, it is grief, and it is a loss; I had two little embryos and now I haven't.

    I suppose we all just need to hold on to whatever we can and wait for the worst to pass. xx

  • I remember at Xmas getting so drunk..not a great idea and this was 2 months after our first bfn and I wept like I have never wept before and kept saying how I missed my embryos..my poor dh thought I was going mad then realised how much gin I had drank๐Ÿ˜œI knew even through my gun haze I was grieving

  • Gin not gun lol xxx

  • Gin can be very dangerous, can't it? I am drinking alcohol, but trying to stay very aware that it wouldn't take much for me to just dissolve into a sad, soggy little heap on the floor. I'm going to a friend's on Thursday evening for drinks and one of the others going is pregnant, so I think I'll need to be careful - don't want to make a show of myself! H x

  • Oh Helsroo! Don't feel guilty! I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal. Be kind to yourself! You have been through something that many people may never have to experience and that will have a massive effect on how you feel. Don't add guilt to your feelings, it will just make you be harder on yourself. I'm a big fan of counselling as I think it can be great to share your grief with someone objective and non-judgemental. (Despite how lovely family and friends are, they are not necessarily trained counsellors). โ˜บ

  • Hey just wanted to say I think ivf brought out the worst in me I've felt things like jealousy, selfishness, hate, anger. I think it's totally normal but if you think talking your feelings through with a counsellor would help then go for it. X

  • Totally normal Hel, the thoughts that went through my head after our last miscarriage... made me feel like such a horrible, horrible person!! Talking things through with a counsellor probably won't stop you feeling this way but might help you to process them a little better. I promise you will start feeling better, just give yourself some time and please don't be too hard on yourself, no one here will judge you xxxx

  • I think this is a fairly normal feeling , I don't have any failed treatments (I don't want to put 'yet') but I already feel like this ! And although I'm sure it's a normal reaction, as this is a complicated, stressful and very often, upsetting journey- I'm gonna go for the counselling anyway. X good luck - hope you feel better soon x

  • aw helsroo, no one's going to judge you and it definitely doesn't make you a bad person so don't feel bad about it. Most of us feel exactly the same way as you do at some time or another. You only have to watch Jeremy Kyle for those feelings to bubble to the surface. That's the way of the world unfortunately and it is so unfair. I really hope you get your happy ending but in the meantime take some time out and be kind to yourself. Xx

  • This is normal. I saw a woman on the underground who was pregnant today. It made me mad. I don't know why. I let the phases pass. Because they do. But if I had thoughts to go to counselling, I would. I've a friend who did and it was great for her. x

  • Me & my partner are super critical of other people's parenting even since we realised our journey to parenthood wasn't going to b an easy one!!! Probably cos we do feel resentful & cant see y other people are more deserving of it than us!! I think u are totally normal so don't sweat it X

    Big hugs xxx

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