Feeling hideous

[SCB1703]

We found out yesterday that our first round of ICSI didn't work. It all started well - good reaction to drugs, one fertilised egg went back in on day 3. Then a negative PT yesterday.

Needless to say we are feeling hideous about the result. But more than that - I feel like I'm having a really bad come down from all the hormones too.

I've never responded well to the pill or anything like that in the past. I was then put on the highest dosages of IVF drugs as I had so few follicles. Then I stopped them, but since week 2 of the 2WW I've been feeling depressed and angry with ever minute that goes by. I'm horrible to live with and at a time when we need to support each other, I'm being hateful to my husband.

I don't know what to do? Is there anything I can take to level myself out again?

[Cherrypop]

I'm sorry to hear about your negative result

With your emotions I would recommend you seek counselling. Your clinic should provide this for free and it can be for just you, your husband or both of you together.

Tbh I have found myself in a similar position being very snappy at my other half. I am on day 5 past my 3 day transfer and I already want to test.

I haven't had any symptoms for days. Even though I knew my sore boobs we're from the pessaries I found it almost comforting. As I have no symptoms I am not hopeful and trying to stay neutral :/

Do you intend to try again? Did you get your first cycle on the NHS? Where I live we only get this 1 go funded! :/

X

[SCB1703 in reply to Cherrypop]

Yes you're right, we need counselling. Thank you. Then it's another try - paid for. We only get one round on the NHS too x

[Hopeful1982]

Hello SCB1703, I'm sorry to hear you got a negative result. I've just started my first round so I've not had this experience but I know from the posts I've read on this site that the aftermath of a negative result is incredibly difficult to process.

I agree with Cherrypop that counselling may really help you process your emotions. I saw a counsellor a few months ago to help me process the pain/anger/grief that goes with infertility and I found it really helpful.

Apart from that just be kind to yourself. You've been through s lot do it will take time to heal. Take care of yourself and your hubby. Try to plan some nice things to do together do you have something to look forward to x

[SCB1703 in reply to Hopeful1982]

Thank you x

[Karen82]

I'm so sorry about your BFN but had a similar experience a month ago. We found out our first ICSI attempt failed after only 1 egg was collected (low AMH) and I hadn't realised quite how difficult it would be. This past 4 weeks I've definitely still had some hormone-hangover - I've felt sad and angry, more crampy than usual, and definitely depressed at times. I've tried to really focus - I got a quick follow-up appt so we knew what our options were and could plan accordingly. I needed to know if our options were non-existent so I could deal with that at the same time as the BFN. The appt helped as I know what we're doing next, and I took the opportunity to start drinking coffee again and wine - although wine made me very very angry and depressed the first time.

My AF started again yesterday, a few days early, and I was really cranky and sad. DH admitted he'd been hoping for a miracle, and I realised I had been too. This is a horrible crappy experience but accept that you're going to be depressed, very angry, and pretty resentful. You'll feel like it again 4 weeks from now when AF arrives again. It's totally and utterly normal - just give yourself time to grieve for what's happened. Personally, I was grieving for the loss of hope.

One other piece of advice, when you're feeling able to, tell your DH how you feel. Tell him you don't mean to be angry or weepy but you can't help it - it's the hormones as well as a perfectly normal reaction to what has happened. He's probably feeling some of it too. Even when you're really mad, let him cuddle you. We have a cuddle step - the bottom step on our staircase, and it's a place we can cuddle without talking. I sobbed and sobbed on that step but at least DH knew why and that he couldn't do anything to help except to cuddle me.

Go for counselling if you can, but also just accept that what you're feeling is normal and a hormone-hangover. I found the first 4 or 5 days after BFN the hardest but it has been a tough month. Get a follow-up appt as soon as you can, it might help you get over this result if you know what to plan for.

xx

[SCB1703]

Hi Karen, thank you so much for your reply. I know that time is a healer, and you're right - we need a plan.

Did you decide to go for a round two? I desperately hope I can produce another egg after such a low follicle count this time round.

We were so proud we'd got this far when our one egg fertilised - I hope it can happen again xx

[Karen82 in reply to SCB1703]

I'm trying again - they've told me to take a DHEA supplement as my testosterone levels are low. Apparently it could help increase the number of follicles and/or quality. It's worth getting them to check your testosterone levels. It's such a massive punch in the stomach when you get the BFN but keep focussing on the next step. K xx

[SCB1703 in reply to Karen82]

Thanks, and good luck xx

[Filmgirl101 in reply to Karen82]

I took dhea. You can pm me if you want.

[hopeforICSI]

Thinking of you and wishing that you come out of pain sooner. Hear felt feelings with you .

[SCB1703 in reply to hopeforICSI]

Thank you x