Feeling guilty - mood is so negative 😒 - Fertility Network UK

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Feeling guilty - mood is so negative 😒

Amanda86
Amanda86
β€’32 Replies

Hey all

So as the title says I'm feeling guilty. For my previous 2 IVF's (one fresh and one frozen) I stopped drinking alcohol, fizzy juice/energy drinks and maintained a healthier diet for around 3 months before treatment. This time (3rd cycle although 2nd frozen) I've ate what I wanted and drank alcohol up until just before starting my progynova, I don't feel guilty for this because giving up early before made no difference anyway. I don't have an unhealthy diet and hardly drink anyway so it's not like I've went too crazy. This time though, I'm still drinking energy drinks. Probabaly 2-3 a week. And I feel so guilty, I 100% wouldn't touch them after transfer but I know I shouldn't even be having them now.

It's like my mood is so low this time around treatment, all I keep thinking is well look at the last 2 rounds, both chemical pregnancies, why would this time be any different? Why would it work? I can't get out this mind set!! I hate that I'm feeling like this but I can't seem to shake out of it. I keep reminding myself of all the girls on here who've had unsuccessful cycles and gone on to have success from frozen cycles but then I just feel like I have this gut feeling that the outcome will be the same as before.

Sorry for moaning, just feel like I need to give myself a good shake. I'm so disappointed with my family too, we decided to tell my dad and sister about IVF after our second failed treatment (they didn't know anything about it before). They're aware we started treatment in August and not one of them has asked a thing about it. Just wish I hadn't even told them now, we thought telling them would give us extra support but actually it's not helped us at all. All it's helped with is they will never ask us when we're going to have kids but in terms of support through IVF they don't seem to be interested. 😀😩 sorry everyone, think I'm just having one of those days! Xxx

32 Replies
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Don't apologise for moaning this is the place to do it, sorry you've not been supported by your family. Do you think they don't know what to ask so just don't say anything which makes it worse? My in laws are the same but after being in hospital they said to my hubby they do worry about us but don't ask many questions as don't like to pry. My hubby told them it's worse as it seems like they don't care and it's not something we're just going to bring up in conversation randomly.

As for feeling guilty about the drinks, don't blame yourself at all. Lots of women don't give up half the stuff we do and still fall pregnant. I know it's hard to keep positive, this journey is hard enough without depriving yourself of occasional treats. I'm come to believe everything in moderation xx

Amanda86
Amanda86 in reply to E_05

Thanks for your reply πŸ™‚ It could be that they don't know what to stay, I just feel hurt that they haven't mentioned it at all. For all they know the cycle might have failed and they've never asked a thing about it. They don't know timescales for how long treatment takes or anything. I do understand it's an awkward situation but they've not shown any interest.

Very true. I know so many people who lead the most unhealthy lifestyle and yet fall pregnant without any troubles what so ever. And for me it is definitely everything in moderation πŸ™‚ Xxx

E_05
E_05 in reply to Amanda86

That is hard especially when your the type of person that takes an interest in other people's lives. Could you speak to them about how your feeling?

I think some of feeling negative is a form of self protection to, we put ourselves through so much it's like if we think the worst it'll hurt less (if only eh).

That's good, I'd say enjoy the things you are then - I have a few friends who gave up smoking for treatment then started again soon as they got BFP so I've definitely had to believe this cruel journey is all down to luck - it's must be our turns next! Xx

Amanda86
Amanda86 in reply to E_05

I really hate that too, smoking while pregnant! It's just awful!!

I don't really feel I can talk to them to be honest. I hardly see my dad or sister as they both live a fair bit away and I guess maybe we just don't have the relationships where I feel comfortable to say to them how I feel. I guess if this time it doesn't work I'll probabaly just not tell them about the next treatment, which is a shame but at least I won't have to feel angry at why they're not taking an interest.

I really hope this will be our time. I know it's only my 3rd cycle and some girls have done so many more but I honestly don't feel like I can keep doing this over and over 😩 Xxx

E_05
E_05 in reply to Amanda86

It is hard when family don't get it, I hope you've got friends you can take to and of course we're always all here to for support.

There's no 'only' about how many cycles, having to go through even 1 cycle of this hell is more than any of us deserves so don't ever think that. I know it's easier said that done but try not to look to far ahead focus on this cycle being the one xx

Amanda86
Amanda86 in reply to E_05

Thank you. Hoping I'll feel a little more positive soon πŸ™πŸ€ž xxx

Oh hun...huge hugs..now away with the guilt..I understand totally as I have posted similar feelings. I now totally believe this whole thing is down to luck I really do. I have cared least this time about diet and alcohol and have had our most successful treatment yet mind our next week.I think we are all so hard on ourselves when we shouldn't be..you know this and we all have these down days..kind of having one myself today too so wee walk and sofa for me and a cuddle with my furbaby and dh..hang in there you are a strong fab woman and as for family...same here with our in laws. .upsetting but we surround ourself with folk that do care..they won't change sadly. .their issues not ours...take care and lots of hugs xxx

Amanda86
Amanda86 in reply to vic77

I think your right Vic, I think it really is all down to luck. Right now I'm feeling unlucky, just keep thinking when will our luck change? I just feel like what is the point in making ourselves more miserable when we're going through so much already. Look at all these drug addicts who have kids no problem and we're sitting here scared to have a little alcohol or a little too much caffeine. It's so wrong 😒 How are you doing? Xxx

vic77
vic77 in reply to Amanda86

I hear ya..today I am feeling much the same as you..keep thinking-we are good people why not us, why so hard etc and then briefly just briefly I let myself think maybe this might be our time..maybe just maybe I might see two lines on Tuesday but in the back of my mind again I have that dreaded feeling before test day😒just had a hot chocolate and huge bit of cake after a walk on a wet and windy beach with my two boys my dh and my furbaby. .I look at them both and feel very lucky..hope ur mood improves too.huge hugs xxx

Amanda86
Amanda86 in reply to vic77

Got everything crossed for you Vic! Xxx

Hi Amanda, I know how you feel - it is scary going into a new cycle. I'm trying to get a positive head on but it's not easy. Have you tried any meditations? They're quite good for helping to get your head in the right place. Do you think you can start to cut down on the energy drinks? That does sound like quite a lot each day - doh just re read your post - I'm sure 2-3 a week isn't that bad I thought you said eacb day! Can you try swap them for something else you like that's not as naughty? I know it's boring but I think it's important too to give yourself the best chances and that too may help you to feel a bit more positive. Personally I am bored bored bored with it all. I feel I have no life at all. Just hoping it will all be worth it in the end. Wishing you lots of luck with your cycle. Of course allow yourself to have a bad day but maybe think about what might make you feel better and see if you can take any steps in that direction.

My Dad doesn't ask how I am either - I think he doesn't know what to say so just says nothing. My in laws are the same. My mums different but then I speak with her all the time. She's not with my Dad so that's no excuse for him!

Sending big hugs xxx

I haven't tried meditation, I'll maybe look into it. Just feel so fed up constantly putting everything on hold and worrying over everything I eat and drink when so many other people get pregnant and live lifestyles that are so much worse.

Yeah just 2-3 a week lol πŸ™‚ I cut them out last 2 cycles and guess this time I've just felt like what's the point. Of course I wouldn't touch them once I've had transfer though.

I think that's how I feel too, just so fed up with life always being on hold. It's depressing 😒 I know we're all suffering the same though, and it definitely helps speaking to people all going through the same!

I don't have a relationship with my mum and I think that's why I hoped my dad and sister would show more interest as they know I haven't got anyone else to confide in about it. My younger sister is supportive with asking but she's so young and just doesn't quite get how hard it is. Through my losses like literally days after she'll send me pictures of my nieces and nephew with things like driving me mad or whatever and just doesn't seem to understand how at that time I can't see stuff like that. Or the other day her 3 kids were all screaming and she said is this what you really want? So insensitive and yet I don't have the heart to say to her do you not see how insensitive that is?

Thanks for your reply πŸ™‚Xxx

I downloaded the mindful ivf app yesterday. It seems quite good. Worth a try?

I know it is frustrating- I see pregnant women smoking and it drives me mad. And we will love ours so much when we get there. It does seem unfair.

I was feeling like you last week but somehow I've turned a corner for this week at least. Maybe because we're getting closer to our FET date. I've found acupuncture good too to help me relax. If worth looking for cheap massages on groupon?

It is very hard when you feel you don't have people to actually talk to and when people say silly things. My older sister is a bit the same and we've had our problems anyway so I just said I can't speak with her during our ivf. She moved abroad so no too difficult. After my fresh cycle failed I told her and asked how she was in email and she replied to tell me she'd been having a day in snuggling with her three year old and making cakes and that she was looking forward to her friend coming over with her 2 children - so sensitive!! She's s buffoon! I feel better now we're not in contact tbh. I'm sure we'll talk again but I can't deal with her insensitive comments right now. We were already struggling though so I could just tell her I couldn't deal with it right now but sounds like that wouldn't be an option with your sis. Maybe you could tell her how you feel though.

My dad would only say the wrong things if he did say anything. I know that for sure.

Is there a counsellor at the clinic you can see to work through some of your feelings?

I've found it helpful to be open with friends. Some are better than others - and at least they know why I'm not myself.

I've got a holiday planned if it doesn't work this time - gonna drink lots of red wine and eat what I like! I need some big time fun if it's a disappointing result!!

Anyway, we are all here anytime you want to rant xxx

Thank you. I'll download that app and give it a shot. I'm actually doing reflexology but this week I didn't book as had a really busy week, funny how this has been the week I've felt the worst. Maybe the reflexology is helping to keep me calm? I've got a session on Thursday πŸ™‚

I think if this treatment isn't successful then I will definitely give counselling a try. It's something that my clinic do offer.

Really sorry to hear about your sister, it's so sad how others can be so insensitive.

After our failed cycle in October we also booked a holiday and again after our failed cycle in march we had a holiday. I think it's something you need to do at those times. Its good to get away and just forget about treatment for a little while. Recharge the batteries. I did exactly that, ate and drank whatever I wanted. Gained half a stone too while shows I really did go all out πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Thank you so much for all your help and advise πŸ™‚ Xxx

I don't think you should be feeling guilty for feeling bit low! This whole process is totally crap and I think we all have our down days and after the losses you've suffered you'll just be struggling to be positive, can imagine anyone would be in your shoes!! I don't think the odd energy drink will do you any harm and obviously are planning to give them up after transfer and a little bit of what you fancy will do you good. I know what you mean about the support thing. My friends don't really ask anymore and my mother in law think a we're being silly to keep persuing a baby as "we should just enjoy our life together"! Nobody gets it really which isn't their fault but annoying when they don't try! Sending you a big hug!xx

Amanda86
Amanda86 in reply to Cinderella5

Thank you. Yeah it's like people get fed up with your treatment. God, if only they knew how hard it was and how fed up we also become. Really sorry to hear about your mother in law, how awful for her to feel that way! To suggest that! People are utterly clueless! 😑 Xxx

Cinderella5
Cinderella5 in reply to Amanda86

I was shocked when she said that but i suppose i can see what she means. She reckons that we should just enjoy each other and do lots of travelling like she wants to do now that her family are grown up. She just forgotten how much joy being a mum can be. She's a bit better now that she knows we aren't willing to give up just yet! You're so right, I'm sure they do get bored but Yeah even harder when we're the ones with our lives on hold etc. Hang on in there lovely!!xx

Amanda86
Amanda86 in reply to Cinderella5

Thank you 😘 Xxx

I can empathise with this. I am so sorry to hear of your previous losses. I am on my second cycle and struggling to feel positive. I had a huge melt down to my mum the day before we started injections as i felt they were more concerned about my sister who has a cough than me! I'm embarrass to admit it but I was like a teenager!!

I think people have different attitudes towards ivf. I think sometimes they don't like to ask as they think they're prying (as others have said). I actually found it very beneficial telling my parents how I felt - if people don't know how you are feeling they can't support you. I also think there is still an attitude that, 'oh it will all work out' perhaps because relatives don't want to believe that it won't.

I have tried to do meditation for the last few weeks. I do it first thing in the morning before breakfast, set a 10 minute timer on my phone, sit cross legged on cushions and close my eyes and watch my breath. The idea is that when thoughts come into your mind you acknowledge them but then let them go. It's very hard to do and if it helps you then try counting your breaths. In through the nose, and out count as one. I have no idea if it helps but I have been calmer I think in the last few weeks and have started to notice negative thoughts that I have during the day which enables me to stop them.

I really wish you the very best of luck whether you want to try meditation or not. Oh, and I don't think a few energy drinks will make a big difference. Xxxx

Amanda86
Amanda86 in reply to 7AVA

Thank you, I think I'm going to give meditation a try πŸ™‚

Yeah I think your right, people just assume one day it will work.

My 2 sisters constantly have drama, they're always complaining about something or having a drama about this or that and my dad is like oh poor them. I'm so private I just don't speak about my life, I don't have dramas really and if I do I sort it. I don't involve my dad or sisters and I don't know if maybe they get the impression that I don't need anyone because I never usually need them. It's not that I even need them, they can't make this situation change. It would just be nice for one of them to ask how's treatment going? Or even ask what the treatment entails or something. I don't really feel comfortable telling them how I feel because truthfully we aren't a very close family.

I guess it is a difficult subject, I just always try to imagine me in that situation and what would I do? I'd take an interest, I'd occasionally ask how's things? Where are you at with treatment? What's involved? But I know, we're all different.

I'm definitely having a feel sorry for myself day today and honestly I don't have these often, it's like it's all coming out today πŸ˜‚ Sorry!

And thank you very much for the reply and the advice. I'll definitely give meditation a try and let you know how I'm finding it πŸ™‚ Xxx

7AVA
7AVA in reply to Amanda86

You are definitely allowed a feel sorry for yourself day! I had one, and then some last Thursday. Here's an article that I found useful - the 'how to help others help you' might be useful babycenter.com/0_therapists.... But honestly, today I'd just try to be really kind to yourself. Xxxx

Amanda86
Amanda86 in reply to 7AVA

Thank you 😘 Xxx

Hi Amanda86

We all get our bad days so don't worry. Just try and stop work the energy drinks they are full of chemicals and caffeine, they are not nice. Maybe have something else in its place.

don't feel guilty anyway ivf is so dam hard be kind to yourself xxx

Amanda86
Amanda86 in reply to Missy_22

Thanks Missy πŸ™‚ Hope your well xxx

Just try and be positive. It is hard when it fails but keep the faith. Try and stop drinking those drinks because you just never know!

As for your family not asking, maybe they're just trying to respect that it's a very difficult and personal time for you as a couple?

When you are going through fertility issues, it can be so isolating - but just focus on the positives. Maybe as a couple it will make you stronger. And unlike other couples, you may get to know about you baby right from the start.

I hope it all works out for you.

Amanda86
Amanda86 in reply to Kempton

Thank you very much πŸ™‚ I hope so too! πŸ™πŸ€ž xxx

Hi lady

Don't apologise for moaning. You've come to the right place. I completely get how difficult it is, and am in a similar place to you. One fresh and one frozen down. Starting another frozen shortly. I see how failures get harder and harder, and we're really struggling with this one.

Try and do some nice things for yourself and OH and I'll keep my fingers crossed this next cycle is your time xxx

Thank you very much. When is your next FET? Your so right, it does become harder and harder. Sorry to hear your struggling too 😒 It's so difficult!

Aww that's πŸ™‚ That's very kind, I'll also do the same for you πŸ™πŸ€žπŸ€ xxx

Don't fret about the energy drinks. I'd stop once the stimming starts, but the one round that worked for me, was the round I wasn't kind to my body... I drank Coke every day until the day before test day, when suddenly it tasted awful! (Pregnant).

All the other times? No booze, refined sugar, or caffeine! And they failed or early miscarriage.

My MIL was really supportive and it made a huge difference. However she's since passed away and it's been very lonely. My own family are really lovely, but just don't understand. They are super fertile as was my Mum. So they didn't understand why it took 8 years and 6 rounds to have our daughter and rounds 7 and 8 miscarried. And now we are doing a FET and I'm in complete denial! As in 6 weeks til it happens.

Good luck to you and don't be hard on yourself. Fertility treatments are expensive and hell! Why do people expect us to be happy or act like nothing is going on? We've been poked and prodded in ways most people can't even imagine!

We just have to hope our turn is coming soon. Big hugs.

Amanda86
Amanda86 in reply to Filmgirl101

Thank you so much πŸ™‚ I'm so glad to be reassured that how I'm feeling is normal. I'm hoping to be feeling a little more positive by the time we have ET. Good luck with your FET 🀞 Xxx

Don't apologise after my first failed I started smoking again I had my last drag just before my egg was put back in I now have a healthy 6 month old baby boy . It's easy to get yourself down and it's hard . Keep strong and keep healthy when you have your transfer x

Amanda86
Amanda86 in reply to leah30

Thank you Leah πŸ™‚ Xxx

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