Feeling let down

Pre warning... this is a moan and a rant, one emotional warrior- so I do apologise ladies πŸ™ˆ I don't know who else to turn to because I don't really want people to think bad or judge us ☹️

We are in the middle of our injections, as much as we are excited, everything is starting to tell on us with the journey... we are both very stressed and emotions are running high.

Tonight my partner was meant to finish half day, usual Friday routine, but said he was going out for a pint with the boys from work on his way back but would be home for a curry night and a nice cuddle by 4:30... no problem! Or atleast I thought, a pint has now turned into a night out and not sure when or it he's coming home. He's said he needs time to relax with the boys, and he's had a hard week..... well I bloody have too!? I'm feeling lost and scared in all this and had a shitty week too!? Where's my night out hey?

I get he needs time out, but really.... like this! On a night planned for us to have special time? When all this is going on?

I've now lost my cool with him and caused an argument which I didn't want or need for that matter, but neither do I feel I should be backing down as I feel really strongly about it- I need him in all this and tonight I don't feel he is by my side or understands everything.

I don't want people to think bad of him, but surely I'm not in the wrong for feeling mad and upset? I don't know what to do with myself, we love each other more than anything but beginning to worry if this journey will pull us apart; I've read about it so many times and it frightens me!

Wahhhhhhhh πŸ˜‘πŸ˜žπŸ™„πŸ˜³πŸ˜–πŸ˜°πŸ˜­

I'm sorry if this isn't appropriate for this site, I don't mean to bring negativity... I just feel a little lost in all this, not just tonight.

36 Replies

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  • It's a shame they don't say I need a night out to let some steam off and then you could have a pamper night or see friends rather than being at home waiting on that plan you had made. However maybe when his sober might be worth just talking together even crying together it can help to let out some of the upset get back on the same page and have some time together xxxx

  • Men hey πŸ™„πŸ˜† Thankyou, I will definitely wait until he's sober and then maybe we can both open and understand each others side more.... but for now I'm going to try make the most of me time πŸ™ˆ

    Thankyou for replying, it gives me reassurance I'm not a crazy lady πŸ˜‚X

  • Hey KJones... I bet Β£100 a fair few women respond with tales of similar...

    My first ivf was horrendous. Because me and hubby forgot how stressful this was for each other. The pressure to get it right and be there for each other (more so him for me) and specific times every day was just ridiculous on reflection. We forgot to make time for us together and we forgot to make time for ourselves. This undoubtedly turned in to a massive argument with tear and (my) snot. Loads of me screaming 'I'm meant to be stress free' and him shouting 'you're hormones are pissing me off!'

    We realise now that we just didn't get on with life. Everything was about the ivf.

    Now... I'm not telling you to forgive hubby standing you up. It took me about a week to forgive my husband during our cycle! But I am saying don't get too frustrated. You'll need him more in this journey later than you do now. He's probably thinking you're coping and made a poor judgement in the sun.

    Get a chick flick. Order your own take out. And plan something with the girls for next week. Then talk about it calmly over the weekend.

    Not sure I'm much help but don't be afraid of ranting here xx

  • This made me giggle, so thankyou ☺️

    I know you're probably right, I feel so much better after even just typing it... more so having others relating, I know I'm not going crazy πŸ™ˆ I'm going to take your advise, I'm going to make the most of a night to myself... I can deal with the rest tomorrow (calmly I promise haha)

    Thankyou! You have no idea how nice it was to read your reply ❀️

  • Big hugs xx

  • We were the same in first round of ivf. Emu is totally right! Second round was much easier for me as hubbie agreed to quit drinking for the duration to support me... except on the two stag weekends he was on during the 6 weeks... but that was ok cos I knew in advance he was going so I planned nice stuff to do.

  • Hey Lizzie! How are you? Nice to 'see' you! x

  • Ok thanks, or I will be when I've got through this weekend of writing reports for my class!

  • Hello!

    Just wanted to say I hear ya! I have been in similar situations with my dh numerous times through our journey...but we're still plodding on.

    I know it must feel the end of the world right now and you're within your rights to feel the way you do (as I have before!)

    I think the best way to handle it is to let it go for tonight (as shouting and arguing don't get you anywhere...believe me I've learnt the hard way!) When things have calmed down, speak to him calmly and say how important tonight was for you and how you feel right now but also try and get out of him how he feels.

    Men are funny creatures and display their stress in odd ways...this might be him trying to tell you it's too much right now....or he could just not realise what you're going through?!

    My dh finds it incredibly difficult to speak about his emotions but I've learnt to recognise his pattern of behaviour instead...and occasionally he tells me deep stuff completely off the cuff when I least expect it!

    I suppose what I'm saying is because we're physically going through it we can come across a bit needy and demanding (to them at least...although we completely deserve to!) But sometimes we have to realise they're going through it to...but in a different way.

    My dh went off at me last Sunday and walked out over a conversation on politics of all things but I knew what he really meant so I waited til the next day and did exactly what I said above. Hes had this week to reflect on what I said and is now looking after me as good as gold!

    This ivf stuff isn't easy...if anything it gives us too much time to reflect on the quality if our relationships but you'll be fine. Just pick your battles and don't go in full steam ahead with how you feel, and what you need. Just plant the seed and let him work out the rest.

    Sorry for rambling but I hope this helps in some way!

    xxx

  • Ahhh Oakey80 this made me cry a little, thankyou! It's so reassuring to know we aren't the only ones that aren't "perfect" lol! I will definitely take your advice, so thankyou!! I suppose I haven't looked at the bigger picture to how he might be feeling and dealing with all this too πŸ€” Your reply has helped me more than you'll know.... so again, thankyou!❀️

  • Aw I hope I didn't make you cry too much!

    Me and the dh are 5yrs in on the infertility train with 1 x bfn under our belt so I suppose I've learnt a few things along the way....we're now halfway through our 2nd cycle!

    Always here for you if you need a rant! xxx

  • It was a needed (little) cry haha ☺️

    Well I thank you for your wise words, and I'd like to offer in return a should or an ear should you ever need someone too!

    Sending you the best of wishes ❀️

  • Ah thanks...I'll hold you to that as I still have my bad days too. Good luck with your cycle! xx

  • Please do, and thankyou πŸ€

  • Today I've done nothing but argue with my husband.. it's so stressful the whole aspect of all of this!.. I've wanted to kill my husband today . πŸ™ˆ We've hated on each other so much today . It's always when we have appointments that we argue the most . Men just don't seem to understand the whole concept of how we as partners feel xx

  • I'm convinced they're wired different to us πŸ˜‚ I feel your pain today... I hope you're feeling a little better now and today went well xx

  • Hi. We had a huge heart to heart the other day related to drinking and ivf and life in general. My hubby said he was worried he wasn't enough for me and that if the ivf didn't work that we would end up separating. Despite my best efforts (well I thought I'd been doing a great job) of not talking too much about it as I have this forum now, he still felt that ivf was taking over our lives. We talked it all through and are a bit more aware of how this makes both of us feel stressed and anxious in different ways. Your hubby will come home and probably feel bad so my advice would be give him a big hug and tell him you know this is hard on him. I'll be honest, it terrified me to think that my hubby is scared ivf will tear us apart. I'll do anything to prevent that from happening even jeopardise the success of our ivf. Big hug as I know how lonely you can feel and anxious. Give yourself a nice bath and some chocolate and try to enjoy the evening at home on your own watching telly you like. Xxx

  • I can completely relate to this! I'm so glad I posted this, it's made me realise we are all in more similar situations than I realised. I hope the both of you are feeling a little more positive and understanding to each other, and I wish you all the best with your cycle... it's so much harder than I ever imagined, but we can do this ❀️

    Thankyou for your kind words, I'm 100% with you on the bath front... in fact I am going to do that right now!

    Sending you lots of love and luck xx

  • Ahhh the therapy of having a rant here! I completely sympathise with you, my hubby was no angel when we started all this too! He didn't really talk about things & some beers with the lads seemed to be his only outlet...when I say some beers, I mean a bucket full! Caused some issues/arguments and I think at the time I was stressed out too so was a bit more highly strung! Now we're on cycle 3 and we've learned to talk more openly so much better! I don't for a minute think you should automatically forgive him but I do think men don't know how to deal with these things and they don't tend to sit on forums to get support like this either!! I'm sure once he's home and you've had some time to cool down things won't seem so bad!! Sending you a big hug!xx

  • Hi cinderella5, I've got to be honest I am already feeling a little more calm- I figure as much as I think it's happened the wrong way, we all have different ways of coping.

    It's so nice to know we aren't the only ones that have been like this, I was sorry worried people would think we shouldn't be here if we are still arguing like this πŸ™ˆ How nieve was I hey haha!!

    I'm glad to hear you and your partner have learnt to deal with things better as time goes on... sending you lots of luck πŸ€žπŸΌπŸ€

    Thankyou for making me feel sane again, it's much appreciated xx

  • I think we all need some sanity reassurance here and you guys are fabby! I'm pretty sure more than their fair share if couples argue over daft stuff and this is serious sh*t we're dealing with so I reckon it's normal to have wee, shall we call it.....disagreements....and you can see from the others you're not alone!! Glad you're starting to feel better, I think keyboard ranting really does help!πŸ˜‚xx

  • Haha... it definitely does! I take my hat off to all you lovely people because this is some hard shit!! πŸ™ˆ Xx

  • I can not empathise we you enough! I have had a shitty day and it's takeaway for one. I remember my first round and I felt so full of emotion, uncertainty and a bit of loneliness. Let's put it this way... if the human race was left to men having babies we would be extinct. A lady at Waitrose said that to me. Things will snap him in to realising the importance every so often... but probably not when you need it. I couldn't believe it when my first ivf didn't work... He was saying to people that he felt like he had lost a baby?!?! He even got sad that 2 of our embryos went back to the freezer (long story) anyway he had named them Derek and Ernie. So last night I thought I was having a miscarriage and had to wake him he didn't even make me a cup of tea. I think quite a few people will have had their far share of rows. Keep your pecker up. Tomorrow's another day. Xxx

  • Hugs for your takeaway for one xx

  • Bless you, sounds like you're going through the mill too! I hope everything turned out okay last night 🀞🏼❀️ And here's to takeaways for one β˜•οΈ(Tea as I didn't feel it appropriate to toast with champers lol) If you need a shoulder or an listening ear for anything, please don't hesitate to give me a shout! Sending love xx

  • Thanks sweetheart. All was okay in the end. Thinking of taking him to the swap shop. He did by me a very very nice New 4 x 4... which I had asked for as a pushing present originally... like to think ahead! He bought it as a surprise which earned him brownie points. How quickly those brownies melt! Same here love. Xxx

  • Aww I'm so glad! Oh waw, you definitely can't fault that haha ☺️ X

  • You're certainly not alone with feeling how you do.. I remember about a week after my mc in March me and my partner were sitting on the sofa, bearing in mind I was crying on and off for weeks after, and his phone rang. It was his friend seeing how he was and he told him 'I just really feel like I could go and get pissed'. The look I gave him when I heard him say that, let's just say if looks really could kill he would be dead now lol! So with that, and my emotions all over the place, I stormed out the front room and went to the toilet crying! He came in and basically cuddled me whilst I was on the toilet crying. I was honest and told him that his comment really hurt and upset me, but he explained to me that men are different and they can't just sit there and cry (well he doesn't because he is not like that) like women do and sometimes that is just his own way to 'escape'... so after our very honest conversation whilst still being on the toilet, it just made me realise that as much as we think we're suffering and mainly dealing with things 'as it's physically happening to us' it does effect them as well. Not only the every day issues of being emotional and so up and down, but mainly I think because they can't actually do anything to take the feelings away or the pain away from us. It's one hell of a journey this baby making malarkey, but hopefully we all come out of it stronger together 😘

  • Having time to think tonight has made me think we are both dealing with things here and whilst it might be different emotions or physical thing, we both deal with things differently. It needs to be spoken about this weekend I think. But yes, fingers crossed to be stronger together whatever happens 🀞🏼❀️

  • Aww this is so appropriate and it's not negative, I think we all feel alone at times through this difficult, emotional journey as it is without added pressure, my husband is a paramedic and works a lot, I know it's different circumstances from you, your husband has made a choice to go out and I would find that so difficult too cause I know how I feel already going through this tough process when he is out working so much, I got a bfn yesterday and my hubby was night shift last night and then took an overtime shift tonight, it can be such a lonely thing to go through but each of us have our own ways of dealing with things, it's not easy but I'm sure your a strong, loving couple that just need a bit of time out sometimes, you be kind to yourself too, have some pamper time, do something nice for yourself and rant all you want on here, it's what we are all here for, it's so helpful, take good care x x x x

  • Aww I'm so sorry to hear that! I know that probably doesn't make you feel any better but I am sending you hugs and strong vibes ❀️

    I pulled out the profiteroles πŸ™ˆ Oh dear haha... I'll have more than rolls if I carry on eating lol!

    Here if you need a chat or just a shoulder to lean on xxx

  • I've had pizza and a large glass of red wine tonight!! πŸ˜‹ ..... thank you, it's not an easy journey for any of us but we will get there one way or another, take care x x x

  • Good on you... you look after yourself xxx

  • You're not even in the minority. Our first round of IVF almost broke us and that was nearly 3 years ago. Our relationship is very complex. We've both been married before and my OH has 4 kids who we have 50% custody of and an ex-wife from hell!

    We had a break for a year to get our relationship back on track and have been to so many couple's counselling sessions and spent an absolute fortune on it. It's the best money we ever spent. We have discovered so much about each other and been able to listen to each other sooo much better.

    You will work through it but there is no doubt there will be other bumps in the road ahead. Give yourselves a break, this is so tough.

    Stay strong x

  • You sound like a very strong lady already, takes a special type of person to take on other people's children ❀️

    I definitely agree, there will always be bumps along the way no matter what part of this journey we call life we are at.. I need to keep reminding myself that sometimes as I tend to get carried away in the view of "perfection"

    Sending strength to you too xx

  • Bless you that's really sweet x

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