Anyone else feel completely left out?

Sorry, a little rant...

There's a hall up the road from my house where people hold kids parties so I often see my friends trailing past the house with kids in tow, catching up with my other friends on their way to the latest gathering.

Then there's baby groups, swimming classes, organised weekend/week family & friends camping trips, days out to zoos, etc & weekday lunches, coffee mornings... I could go on!

Meanwhile I'm working & only get to see people at the weekends when they are all doing stuff with their kids & everyone else who has kids. People can't come to us for dinner anymore & friends don't host any more because they don't want their children woken up.

Perhaps my friend's think I would prefer to be out getting drunk & having lie-ins? Yes, that would be fantastic if all my friends didn't have babies/children! I went to the pub with my hubby a few weeks ago (I don't really go up there anymore as my friends are all otherwise engaged) & I was literally the only female in the pub! So instead I stay home on a Saturday night (after working a 6 day week) with a few glasses of wine, watching a film on tv & am out of bed first thing on the Sunday morning, looking forward to a day of gardening & watching my friends walk over to the hall with their children for the latest kids party...

I know there's another side to the story, friends sometimes moan that they can't go out & do things anymore so I feel a little selfish moaning but I'm sure I'm not the only one feeling like this!!

Anyway, my little rant is over, sorry to share with you all!! I hope no one minds my little moan!

[Cinderella5]

God I totally know what you mean!! It's hard because you never feel part of the crowd. I live in a village and all of my friends from school are still around but like you say you dont see them much anymore. They are all so busy dropping their kids at clubs, play dates with other people that have kids and birthday parties. They see each other all the time and at all of these things. Even when we do manage to see each other they chat about their kids and what they are up to so again I still kind of feel left out!! It's pretty rubbish really! Ha looks like I've had a good moan there too! I guess the grass is always greener but it's just so hard. I'd love to have a wee one to take to the park or to just go for a walk with the pram on a sunny day! Hopefully that'll be us one day!!xx

[Hidden in reply to Cinderella5]

I'm so glad I'm not alone in feeling like this but also sorry that you & others are feeling this way too. Hoping for miracles for us all xxxxxx

[Hidden in reply to Cinderella5]

Ps. I'm also sorry to hear about your recent cycle, sorry for your loss xxx

[rose_and_family in reply to Hidden]

Also sorry. Thanks for sharing. We will get through this together!

[CountryCat]

I have a feeling a lot of ladies will be able to relate to your post! Whichever way you look at it, it is definitely a club. I don't for a second think that any of these couples behave this way on purpose, or out of malice. Their lives changed, priorities shifted and their new patterns reflect this. Is it easy to accept though? Hell no! I had to leave my Book Club group because inevitably, every get together became an in-depth conversation of babies, nappies, play groups, etc. You can only take so much of not being able to contribute before it all becomes too wearing.

We were really good friends with our ex-neighbours but after 2 babies in 2 years, we hardly ever see them anymore. And one of the most excruciating afternoons I have ever spent was at a friend's BBQ in London where, amongst 25 people, hubby and I were the only ones without kids. It was the absolute worst as the mother's I didn't know seemed to regard me as a poriah and having discovered we didn't have children, practically gave themselves whiplash trying to get back to conversations with other mommies.

Point is...it is not easy. It's absolutely fitting to have a moan because there is a real reason you are feeling left out. But you have to cling to the hope that one day, it will be your turn to attend the parties, bounce your baby up and down at a local playgroup or meet up with other mothers at the park. Don't you ever give up on that xx

[Hidden in reply to CountryCat]

My heart ached for you too then & I have a few tears in my eyes. I hope all of our wishes come true one day. Xxxxx

[Fredaflintstone]

I completely know the feeling. It's a hard space to be in. Very lonely. I feel like my whole life is on hold. I suppose I could have had children when I was younger but I never met the right person and now I have it's proving to be really hard. We're doing donor egg IVF because our NHS own egg round produced no eggs. However, even with a top notch embryo it didn't work. I suppose it was our first go at a transfer and for many people it doesn't work first time. We're very lucky because we have 9 Frosties and so can try again but at the moment I feel like it will never happen. Need to find some positivity from somewhere! I seem to be able to for others but I find it difficult to do so for me. Groups like this are a godsend though because you all know how it feels. Wishing you all the very best for your next cycle xxx

[rose_and_family in reply to Fredaflintstone]

Groups like this ARE a godsend. Thank you all for your contribution! We can get through this as one. THANK you for your authenticity.

[Hidden in reply to Fredaflintstone]

I really hope you have more luck next time, I'm sorry to hear of your loss on the first DE round. We are about to embark on our first DE round too. Having some more tests next month then making a start after the summer so we can just relax (or as much as any of us do...) for a few months.

I know what you mean about positivity! A friend of mine is in the same boat & I am really positive for her but then I go home & feel like it's the end of the world for me!! Doesn't make sense!

Take care of yourself xxx

[Fredaflintstone in reply to Hidden]

Thank you Star. I'm feeling much better this afternoon and we'll get there.

Enjoy your relaxing and have a lovely summer and good luck when you're treatment comes around. Xx

[Hidden in reply to Fredaflintstone]

You too lovely xxxxx

[hannahi]

I totally agree. I find myself cutting myself off from my friends with children because they're so busy & spend their time talking about their little ones whenever I'm with them. I have a works "family bbq" next wknd where everyone will have their children with them - dreading it! Have some friends who don't have babies yet but they are younger than me & spend their time out clubbing etc & I have no interest in this anymore - feel like I don't fit into either group! We'll all get there one day though, have to just keep thinking it will be our time at some point xx

[Hidden in reply to hannahi]

Oh god, I know exactly what you mean! I quite often end up avoiding events!! My hubby's family are the most fertile people on earth, we're off to a family event next weekend & I'm actually feeling sick thinking about it! His cousins have produced 6 babies since we started trying!

Hoping all of our wishes come true soon xxx

[Fredaflintstone]

Hi Hannah - totally agree it's a bit of a no mans land because we can't do the things we used to do either. Also can't plan holidays, start the course I want to do etc. Hopefully we will all get our bfps soon. Xxx

[Hidden in reply to Fredaflintstone]

That's right. We will all get our bfps soon. xx

[rose_and_family]

Thanks for the moan! I'm still trying so I know the world of it. Keep truckin'!

[Oakey80]

Omg I could have written this post! I've spent the last 5-6yrs watching my friends have 1,2 or even 3 kids! We've all made efforts to stay in touch but when we do meet up its kids,kids, kids (zzz zzz I don't really care about their latest potty training tips etc)...they think I'm out on the lash every night but at 36 I wouldn't want that anymore...even if I could! Infertility is such a limbo land...you don't fit into kiddie couples or couples who are childless through choice. Its been one of my hardest things to deal with.

Now I have got my bfp I'm obviously over the moon but part of me thinks me and my friends are still going to be at different stages of our lives...as they're just getting there lives back after 5yrs of having little people attached to their boobs. Oh well...I'm just gonna have to find some new mummy friends if/when the time comes! xxx

[CountryCat in reply to Oakey80]

Was having a conversation about just this subject with my husband...i.e. my friends' kids are either students spreading their wings, or under the age of ten. I do wonder how/where we will fit in? Although I would never ever kick any of my friends to the curb, hopefully there will be room for new ones too 😉

[Hidden in reply to CountryCat]

Some of my old school friends are already grandparents!! Xxx

[Fredaflintstone in reply to Hidden]

Mine too! Mind you I'm not ready to be a granny!! Our time will come. Xx

[Hidden in reply to Fredaflintstone]

Me neither!! 😂 Xxxx

[Hidden in reply to Oakey80]

Oh bless you! That is a massive fear of mine too. You will meet lots of people through baby groups, etc & have lots of new friends to share things with & your current friends will be there for you with lots of advice & help when you need it most.

Congratulations, enjoy every moment, it sounds like you really deserve it!! Xxxxx

[CountryCat in reply to Hidden]

That is lovely, thanks so much! 😘

[Rosalietea]

I'm with you and totally understand. It does feel like a club because I guess it is. Those that have and those that haven't.

I think no matter which camp you're in though it's not easy and you'll sometimes wish you were in the opposite one. It's hard to see that now from where we are though. My sister had twins by IVF 15 years ago (She's 8 years older than me) She says that despite wanting them for 7 years she still had many moments where she wondered what the hell she'd done!! Worth bearing in mind I think.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just going to be too late to the party all together! I do hope it makes us more sensitive Mums in future when our dreams do come true though xx

[Hidden in reply to Rosalietea]

I think we're going to be the best mum's ever & there will be a few moments where we wonder what on earth we were thinking!!

Was watching a child having a massive tantrum in town the other day, smiled because it was so funny what children tantrum over then thought I bet his mum doesn't think it's funny! This was then followed by a "what am I thinking" moment!!

Twins 😳 That must have been hard work!! Bet she was glad to have her younger sister there to help.

Good luck with your journey xxx

[7AVA]

I'm with you on this. I've described this many times in the last two years as feeling in limbo. I feel like I've lost my identity; I'm not single and carefree and I'm not yet a mum. I find I have one or two close friends, with children who I can still meet up with and relate to. I'm so sorry the hall is at the end of your road so you have this reminder every time they walk past. I hope, in the future, you're pleased it's so close so you can get there easily for your own child's parties xxxx

[Hidden in reply to 7AVA]

Thank you ☺️

I'm sorry to hear you feel the same way too but so glad that you have a few close friends who are there for you without being mum's themselves.

Carefree eh, oh to experience that again!! Xxxx

[72cloud9]

Completely get it!!! Sometimes I'm ok with it and sometimes it drives me mad!!!😡😡😡xxx

[Lilli79]

I am 100% in agreement, you've hit the nail on the head! Is it just me or do you just feel like a total outcast at parties etc. Been to a few bbqs this summer and there is a definite swarm of mums and I'm just sitting on the sidelines. Even when Ive tried to talk to them they look at me like I have 3 heads. I don't really want to tell the world about our struggle so I guess they just assume we don't want or like kids. It infuriates me, I'm always nice to everyone and I don't think people should be unsociable just because we don't have children. Sorry I hold it to myself as I feel like I'm being a grinch - you've unleashed my hidden rant!! Lol xx

[Hidden in reply to Lilli79]

Completely!! Have my friend's son's 1st birthday party this weekend & I'm actually feeling a bit sick worrying about it. Had a doctors appointment yesterday & while there she asked how I was feeling. She has suggested trying some CBT to see if that makes me feel a bit better. Will give anything a go to make myself feel a bit better.

Sorry to hear of your struggles too. Lots of love xxx

[tiger-cub]

God I'm exactly where u are . See my profile . I hate going out to old places where I used to go with my friends. I just go to new places. I feel so so so left out . God bless ,dh tries his best to cheer me up. Honestly I don't where I'd be without this group. Hang out n there gurl 😘

[Hidden in reply to tiger-cub]

You too lovely, I'm glad to hear your hubby is looking after you. It is different for men isn't it, they just carry on as before while their wives are home with the children so it doesn't make much difference to them if everyone else has a family. Take care xxxxx

[tiger-cub in reply to Hidden]

Totally gurl . Sometimes I do feel men are completely indifferent to s entire process. They do not understand completely d agony of d process. For them everything is a deal and u work ur arse off o get it

[Hidden]

yes I have had times I have felt left out and it hurts. We have a hall at the back of our house that has lots of child centred events on at evenings and weekends and I had gone through a phase of anger and resentment directed at that place which I knew was irrational but its how I felt at the time.

what I did was I had a sit down and asked myself why did it upset me and is there anything I can do about it?

I decided to plan some really nice enjoyable things for most evenings and weekends for us which I have enjoyed and have done things I would never have done otherwise and should we be home during those times doing small things like putting the radio on loud to shut them out, shutting our curtains to shut them out and also the windows when we can.

now things are a lot better as time always helps but yes it stinks to be left out and bloody hurts!

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

You poor thing, it's so unfair that you have to take precautions to make sure these things can't upset you. I am very glad that you have found a coping strategy though!! Take care & be strong! Xx

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

yes it is bloody unfair but that's just how life is. The things I had planned were things that I enjoy anyway so that wasn't a big problem or using it as an opportunity to try out new opportunities like learning welsh which I enjoy and have met new people there and made new friends in there and a few of them feel the same way I did and its nice its not just me. I personally feel that its up to me to take steps to help myself and small things do make a big difference as I would rather do things to help myself than become one of life's victims.

all the very best to you.