Just can't seem to find my optimism?

Currently on my third cycle of ivf, first frozen cycle. I'm taking the Buserelin at the moment as well as higher dose folic acid to hopefully avoid a miscarriage this time. I'm one of these people that when I'm back on the 'process' of it all I actually feel better, less lost. Doing the injections etc helps me. But I still can't shake this negativity in me. I do trust my specialist, and he's outlined it all perfectly but I just can't shake the gut feeling that its not going to work. I've seen a counsellor a few times after the miscarriage and I'm using hypnotherapy tapes at home before bed to try and relax. Me and the husband try and get out and do things but with obviously money tight because of paying for the cycle we are limited but we do try. I just can't shake it. I feel negative about it all the time. I don't think it's going to work and if it doesn't I don't know what we're going to do as we realistically can't afford to try again. Not only that but just imagining another week or month or year, whatever of feeling like this, depressed and longing for something I can't have, I don't think I can face that. I don't even enjoy the things in life that used to make me happy anymore. My husband is very positive like I used to be and he's trying to be supportive of me in this mood but it's impossible to shake. My last 2 cycles I felt this every now and then, but I'd have like bouts of positivity or even nearly 'normal' in between. This time its all just doom and gloom :S

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  • I felt very similar on our 3rd and final round of ICSI. Our outlook is often influenced by previous experience and as you've experienced failure it's not surprising you're concerned that the treatment won't work. Try to take it one day at a time and don't be so hard on yourself, you're going through an emotionally (and financially) draining time. Thinking about 'what ifs' usually adds to the stress levels. Hubby might be putting on a brave face. Have you told him about your fears?

    Perhaps try writing your thoughts/fears down? Or chatting things through with a trusted friend or relative?

    I really hope you get a BFP this time.

  • Thank you. I think hubby does put on a brave face and I've tried to talk to him about it but he admitted that he's often scared of what to say to be because he's worried about me 'crashing' is how he phrased it. I think it's a shock as i was always one of those "everything happens for a reason, optimism galore" type of people. So it's a harsh change but like you said, expected. My friends and family all sort of find it awkward to talk to me I think for much the same reason. I've got a ivf diary thing I was writing in but stopped after the miscarriage - maybe taking it up again will help.

    Thank you I really hope so too. I do hope my gut feeling turns out to be wrong xxxx

  • I felt like this on my first and just failed cycle, like I couldn't let myself believe it could work when ttc hasn't worked before. I can only imagine how you feel on your third. In my opinion I think your feelings seem quite natural so don't be too hard on yourself. If it's any consolation I don't think our thoughts have much bearing on success anyway.. Good luck πŸ€πŸ€

  • Thank you my dear. Maybe it's just a defence mechanism, trying to avoid the shock we had last time. Everyone is telling me I need to keep positive but it's impossible >___<

    Thank you again xxx

  • Kitty it is most definitely a defense mechanism and doesn't in any way relate to the reality or your chances. I have my seven week scan tomorrow and can still barely sleep with fear and the negative thoughts that keep creeping in x it's driving my sister mad that I can't yet be pleased with my bfp at the moment ... but I've had a bfn and a miscarriage this year already and the rollercoaster is so hard, why wouldn't you try to ptoect yourself (in a odd way)by anticipating the worst? I think this is hardest for 'copers'and optimists because this is so at odds with the equilibrium we fight hard for and we have the least skills to deal with opposite. I've said this before on this site but try really hard not to think too far ahead, Caitlin Moran (who i love) tells us that in reality it is only ever the next 5 mins we need to get through and Weare definitely strong enough to do that xxxx it won't be like this forever xxxx

  • I think I'm my own worst enemy in that - I have to know what's coming next. The plan, you know? So that's probably not helping me getting so worked up. Thank you for understanding. I hope your BFP is the one for you. Good luck! Xxxx

  • I think writing it down does really help xx

  • Thank you. Yeah. It did help before. I've still got the diary I was using last time. I might try and use it tonight. Thank you xx

  • Third time lucky hopefully! !x

  • I know exactly how you feel. I'm just starting my 3rd cycle following a miscarriage in August. I just feel weary this time and not at all excited even though last time we only had one blastocyst and got pregnant. I've had enough of it taking over my life but can't have a break from it all as I'm 41 in a month.

    I spoke to the nurse at my clinic today and she got it. She reckons we need this sort of defence mechanism when we've been through so much.

    I really hope it works out for you this time.


  • Sorry to hear for your loss too. We lost ours nearly the same time. It feels like it's taken over your life doesn't it? I swear my family and friends avoid talking to me cause they know that's all I talk about >___< but yes it's tough to be positive. Like you said this is our way of protecting ourselves. I was so positive the last two times that the shock was staggering. I guess we figure this time this is the best way to survive it if it comes to that again? Have you got any frozen or do you have to start from scratch this time? Best of luck to you xxx

  • No frozen. We only got one blastocyst last time and had to do freeze all cos my progesterone was too high. A frozen cycle is definitely easier. x

  • Ah I see. First cycle we had failed fertilisation, second cycle we did ICSI and got some frozen but I unfortunately had a miscarriage. So luckily we have some frozen this time, although I've yet to stop bleeding from the microgynon they put me on before I started my Buserelin. Proper intense cramps and heavy bleeding doesn't help. I've never done it this way before (frozen) so it's all new. I stopped microgynon on Sunday so Hopefully it'll stop soon. Hopefully this'll be it this time. Thank you and best of luck to you this time too! Xxx

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