Mum

I'm almost through first round of IVF waiting for embryo transfer on Saturday. All gone well so far😊

However I haven't shared with my mum that I'm doing this. She knows we been trying for years but hadn't really asked much about it as we don't really have that sort of relationship and she lives abroad. I just think it's mad that I share my most intimate details on this network and that my parents in law knows everything yet my own family don't know a thing!I know if I told her she would only worry or worse pity me so I'm not planning on telling her.

Is this normal to keep this from close friends and family?!

18 Replies

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  • I think it's different for everyone! My two best friends know that we're doing this but nothing about timing (didn't want the pressure of them waiting for updates on specific days!). We're not telling the in laws at all as my husband doesn't think they need to know.

    I've decided not to tell my family yet, purely because my dad is very unwell so my mum's energies are focussed on caring for him so I don't want them or my sister to worry about me. My plan is to tell them what happened when (hopefully) I finally get pregnant after the 12 week scan so they don't need to worry and can just get excited!

    I think you should just do whatever makes you most comfortable, that's the most important thing :)

    Lots of luck for the journey! Xx

  • Thank you for your kind response. All the best for you and hope your dad gets better too ❀xx

  • Thank you Buffy. I'll look forward to hearing updates on all your embies and good luck for your transfer on Saturday :) xx

  • Only my husband and I know what we doing. We have told one good friend.

    I think it is what makes you both the most comfortable at this stage as going through the journey itself is stressful enough. Xxx

  • Thank you xx

  • We were advised at the beginning of our treatment to tell people we thought would understand and support us. In our as that was my mum & dad, MIL & my siblings and a select few friends. We didn't tell hubby's siblings, they didn't acknowledge our mcs before treatment so we didn't tell them about the treatment. Unfortunately we didn't get a BFP so no announcements to make.

  • Sorry for your result. I know what you mean about only telling people you think will understand. I think my mum would blame my BF as I've had a child before with previous partner and so she would assume cos he's overweight and has a highly stressful job he's at fault!She's pretty judgemental 😐xx

  • I've kept it from mine, my first round of ivf was terminated at EC and I hated all the questions and having to talk about it all the time so this time round we told no one! And it's gone so much smoother. Me and my mum aren't overly close but she was trying to use the ivf last time to get closer to me which I won't do. So it's not wrong to do anything, you just need to do what feels right for you xxx

  • Sorry to hear round 1 didn't go to plan. Sure it'll work out for you now. I know what you mean by mothers trying get to get close to you!xx

  • Similar situation to me too... my mother and I don't talk she knew 18 months ago we spoke about all possibilities there for us and she happy but she has a new life and that doesn't involve my sisters or her grandchildren unfortunately! I talk to my mother in law and auntie about everything and my older sister about most things also a close colleague ( because of all the time off) but this next time I won't be telling dates or times as like you've said it's too much pressure. Let's just hope the hormones won't do too much telling!!

  • Thank you. Starting to feel like it's not just me who's avoiding telling my own mum!xx

  • Hi there, we didn't tell our families about our IVF either. They live in other countries too so keeping it a 'secret' was easier in that respect. My parents have been so desperate for grandchildren that I didn't want to worry them with our infertility treatments. We were very lucky and got pregnant from the first try, but I got very sick with OHSS a week before we were meant to visit my family! I had to tell my mum about the pregancy then (I would have told her after 12 weeks otherwise), although I still had to evade all the details of OHSS and the fact that I was hospitalised. I just told her that I was throwing up too much and feeling too poorly for travel!!! So it ended up that most of my colleagues at work know about my IVF, but not my mum :-/ I figure it is better that she just has the good side of the news rather than worry about the bad.... Very best of luck with the transfer!

  • Thank you for sharing your story. Hope you are OK now. I know exactly what you mean about not wanting mum to worry about the bad stuff. I'm hoping just to be able to tell mine once we get a BFP and I will just say it happened naturally as she won't understand why I kept it from her...xx

  • Absolutely down to the individual couple. We have been really open with everyone about it, but we both have close immediate families and small groups of friends and it's something we felt comfortable with sharing from the moment we started this journey.

    But I 100% understand why people keep it to themselves. It's such a stressful time, the last thing you should be worrying about at the moment are other people, just worry about you 2 and that little embryo getting transferred to it's new home for the next 9 months :)

    Best of luck for Saturday :) x

  • When we did the 1st round, I told my very good friend when I started to loose my mind a bit and I only told her because she have went through the IVF. Just before the second round I told other couple, who have had miscarriage. These people are close to me and I knew they would understand. Now we are slowly telling people that we are starting the 3rd ICSI cycle. But only those who we think will understand. Most of the people have went quite quiet and don't know what to say. Only one person said "well maybe if you wouldn't think getting pregnant and would stop trying, you would fell pregnant"....I rolled my eyes and was more amused than irritated how stupid some people are.

    But we haven't told our families yet. This is mainly my husband's decision. It is still quite hard for him that it is male factor infertility that we are suffering.

    But in general or me it helps to tell the people who you are talking and seeing often, then you don't need to pretend anything.

    But we are all different and deal with this issue differently, so don't feel bad if you don't tell someone and only tell those you feel like telling. xx

  • Thanks for your reply. I understand the issue with pride and male fertility.

    What a stupid comment to make. Some people just don't get its just a sensitive subject. All the best for your 3rd cycle ❀xx

  • It's up to the couple who they want to tell. You should do whatever is best for you and I think everyone is different.

    I'm writing this as a mum supporting my daughter through the stress of the ivf journey. While I'm very glad that she has decided to confide in me I'm very conscious that this is about her and her partner, not about my feelings. I take my cues from her if she wishes to talk and do my best to be supportive when needed. I would have been upset if she hadn't told me but I would have understood. Other members of the family don't know because they would only pile the pressure on with questions etc.

    It sounds as though you've taken the right decision for you

    Wishing you good luck for ET on Saturday

    X

  • Thank you. Nice to hear it from a different perspective too xx

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