SIL Baby Shower

[lorraineb61]

Morning all,

A few weeks ago, my SIL who is due on Xmas day said that she wanted to go out for lunch to celebrate the impending arrival. She sent a message to a group of about 12 people. All but 2 others, plus me, have no children.

The FB invite came out last night & looks like the 2 others without children aren't going no so will just be me & all these mums.

I am seriously contemplating not going but not sure if I'm just being a bit too selfish.

We had kept our IVF journey very personally & had only told a couple of people, my SIL being one of them. However, she found out she was pregnant just as we were going through our 2nd IVF cycle. Obviously, ours failed & she then wasn't sure how to tell me so she spoke to a friend (who is going to this lunch) who then told her husband who then proceeded to bring it up in conversation with one of my other BIL & SIL - who didn't know!!

Raging didn't cover it - we ended up having to tell my mum & my MIL - who is terminally ill & we chose not to say anything due to the fact that she would worry & she has way more important things to worry about!!

The relationship has been somewhat strained since then with my SIL but I'm just very apprehensive about going. Not helping the fact is that 3 of the other women invited to this lunch all had IVF so I'm worried now that she has said something to them too as her way of "helping".

Finally, on top of that, we are due to get a new kitchen installed the Monday after the lunch (on a Saturday) so my OH is telling me to use that as an excuse.

I have one SIL who knows everything & I know that she would try & steer conversations away from subjects that she thinks will hurt me but I feel bad putting her in that position. I also just don't want the pitying eyes of the people that know because, quite frankly, it's absolutely none of their business!!

We chose not to tell anyone as, whilst we were in their company, we were allowed to forget about issues we had.

I'm really sorry for rambling on but I don't think I'm having a very good day today!!

[E_05]

I think you've definitely got to do what's right for you and if you don't feel strong enough to go then don't. It took me a while to realise it's okay to put ourselves first, this journey is emotionally and physically demanding without putting any added pressure on ourselves.

Or you other option could be just staying for a drink before or after meal to see your SIL and show your face but then say you've really got to get back to sort the kitchen out.

Good luck on whatever you decide, you'll have our support on here if you do decide to go you can always PM if your finding it tough or write a quick post xx

[lorraineb61 in reply to E_05]

I feel guilty about even thinking about not going but I know I'm going to feel so uncomfortable there! I've never put myself first in this, I've gone to 2 SIL baby showers in the last 18 months & felt absolutely shit at both but always thought I should go because it's close family.

My SIL is coming over tomorrow so I'll maybe speak to her about it x

Thanks for the support - hope you're keeping well! x

[E_05 in reply to lorraineb61]

Sounds like a good idea and tbh doesn't seem like your SIL's been that supportive to you so why put yourself in an uncomfortable situation. Glad your going to do what's right for you x

[penny24]

Hi there

Your SIL should not have said anything to anyone, it's not her story to tell in my opinion. I'm about to do my 2nd round and have told less people than I did with the first round so I understand how personal it is.

You have to think is it going to be more damaging to you /relationship with SIL to go or to stay at home

You could go late and leave early so you've made an appearance but don't stay long enough to get tided into conversations? Covers all bases ?

Good luck with what you decide xx

[lorraineb61 in reply to penny24]

You're right - she had absolutely no right to tell anyone - she made it all about her at that point!! Only 1 SIL knows that we have had a 2nd cycle.

I just don't know what to do! I'm sitting at work today & everytime I think about it, it makes me feel sick & I start welling up!

Good luck for your 2nd cycle! x

[Dream32]

You need to do what's best for you, Its not being selfish you need to put yourself first and not worry about what others think because that adds to the stress in your life.

If you don't feel strong enough to go then don't, if you do you can maybe just go and make an excuse to leave. It sound like there will be plenty of people there to keep your sister entertained so I really wouldn't worry about not going.

I hope you make the choice that's right for you x

[lorraineb61 in reply to Dream32]

There's about 8 others that have been invited so I know I won't be missed. The last 2 baby showers I was at, I sat very quietly hoping that nobody would speak to me about anything to do with babies!!!

She's actually coming over tomorrow so I think I'll speak to her & let her know how I'm feeling. x

[Dream32 in reply to lorraineb61]

Sounds like a plan. Look after yourself x

[Elou81]

Sounds like you don't want to go and i don't blame you. You have lots going on and can probably do without the upset. Put yourself first and give it a miss xx

[lorraineb61 in reply to Elou81]

I couldn't honestly think of a worse place to be than in a restaurant with a bunch of mothers, all of whom, apart from 1, have very young children. My SIL, who I've confided in completely, is a mother too but her children as 15 & 12 so doesn't seem to affect me as much as the other 2 SILs.

I'll speak to her tomorrow, I hate how this makes you feel. I thought I was ok & then something comes up & smacks you in the face!!!

[Elou81 in reply to lorraineb61]

You've got to do what's right for you. This whole journey is hard enough as it is. I would feel the same in your position xx

[Hidden]

Hi. I don't think you should feel the need to explain yourself to your SIL.

I think you need to give yourself priory. The fact that she shared your IVF news with a friend who then shared it with her hubby who blabbed, that was so insensitive of all involved.

Give yourself priority and i would recommend that you have a bad stomach bug on the day of the baby shower. I'm not saying to hold a grudge, but you honestly don't need to explain yourself. Can you really be bothered to open up that can of worms with someone who can't be completely trusted...

I can only speak from my own perspective, but I wouldn't be explaining myself to any body.

People who have not been through this journey just do not get it.

xxxx

[lorraineb61]

Never thought of a stomach bug, may keep that one in mind!! was going to speak to SIL today when she came over but I don't think I can do that any more as I think my MIL is coming too!! x

[Runner90 in reply to lorraineb61]

it sounds like it'd be torture for you there so it's better to look after yourself and not go, but I would probably just make up an excuse, you don't owe her anything and you're probably right it could turn into a pity thing and you don't need that!